Every ma'am
Is the tightening of a noose
Is the sharpening of a blade

Every shower
Is the collection of pills growing
Is the note being revised

Every she
is a punch in the throat
Is one step closer

One step closer to the end
Because I cant wait to not feel this



But then I get called sir
I get called them
I get called him
And it's one step back from the rope
One pill flushed
One note ripped up
One more day I will stay alive
Because I love that feeling

I have a crush on death
And it's growing every day

                 I grab the bottle

Maybe its time to slip away
Into the darkness
Let the pain swallow me up

                 I take off the top

My thoughts would slow and
Soften to a hum

                 I reach for the rope

My eyes would close for the last time
I never have to see myself again

                  I tie the noose

How wonderful it would be
To never have another thought
To never hear my voice again
To finally make it stop

                  I revise my note
  . .
   . .
    . .

But
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude reality

                  I put the bottle away
                  I untie the rope
                  I place the note with the others

        Take a deep breath and
        Keep these moments to myself

I can feel it getting tighter
And
It's strangling me

My heart racing
And
Head pounding

I thought this was gone
But
It's back

I was done with this
But
I guess not

Someone help me
I'm suffocating

Ice
A knife

There's blood
There's so much blood

This is not what I wanted
I just wanted it gone

If I think harder do I burn more calories

Does being hot or cold burn more calories

Silent night time exercise

how many calories in
           lexapro
           ibuprofen
           air
           saliva

how many calories did Auschwitz prisoners eat

is diy liposuction possible

what body parts can you live without

could they have poured calories in this water

how to give myself the flu

can thinking about food make you fat

how much does a finger weigh

rip off all my skin
2. stop, just stop
3. ask for help
4. never talk to anyone ever again
5. go far away and never come back
6. never eat again
7. eat ******* everything
8. lay in the snow, in a swimsuit
9. stop being so ******* dramatic
10. you should just disappear already

Im not doing ok
I havent washed my hair
since last Sunday

I've worn these clothes
For the past 3 days

Just about killed myself
Saturday night

But like nothing is really wrong
Im just ******* depressed
And I don’t know how to get out of it

I almost asked someone how
I know if I need more help
But
Instead I typed a paragraph about
Why they matter and
Need to put themselves first

It is true that not all who wander are lost
But it is also true that
Not all who are lost want to be found

Or maybe I’m I just don’t think I deserve to be found
I feel to lost to be found
I am too far away from who you think I am
That if you knew
I would be a stranger to you