I forgot how it felt to be hungry
How your bones rack for crumbs on the bottom of your heart
My bones feel like brittle; ready to break at a gush of wind
But Brittle is candy
Candy is a sweet delicacy of whom people like me refuse to have
Candy is what I believe I can be
Only if I change into one of those target plastic models
Perfect and pristine, standing as if they are mocking me
Making fun of my creatures in the dark
And my not-so-ideal summer body
I just want a summer body
I want to see what other people see in me
I want to be all that I could be if I was pretty
So I start dropping things off of my menu, drop by drop
First a side dish, then my sugary drink
That drink should go to hell for how much weight it makes me gain
I reach down my throat until my regrets come back up
Reminding me I cannot be pretty the way other girls get to be
Ducking to the restroom after a meal
Anxiety overwhelming every ounce of me as soon as I eat
There is beauty in pain, right?
Or beauty is pain?
Either way, they are correlated
That is good enough to allow me to turn myself in who I want to be
I was over this, I thought I was over being hungry
But then a man stared at me while I was walking to Walgreens
I do this to be beautiful for just a moment
But I also do this to disappear
Don’t look at me like that flesh of meat that day on that broken night
I want it to go away even if it means my bones shake on a sunny day
Even if my soul weeps at night
Even if my friends pick up on what’s wrong
Oh, please don’t pick up on what’s wrong
Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
Let me be in control of my body
Watch me clatter to the floor and please don’t help me
Let me shake and quake
Watch me wear a heavy sweater and get out of breath walking
Let me substitute food for sweet vapor in my lungs
oooh it tastes sweet like brittle
Let me disappear
Please just let me disappear.

Walking on eggshells
You never knew what that quite meant
Until she came along
Aphrodite on earth
Tugging at your fingertips
Loving all your curves
Whispers in the night

She took your hand
And dragged you along
Through her personal fairy tale land

Her land
Her confidence
Her freedom so loud
You could see an eagle next to her

Why couldn’t you be like that?
Maybe she would’ve stayed if you had
But you had the voice of a mouse
The freedom of zoo animals
The land of the not-so-free

Perhaps she got sick of the endless hiding
You called them adventures,
hoping she would buy into the idea
Of sliding, sliding, sliding
Deeper into the closet
she had so proudly dug herself out of

It wasn’t meant to be
The girl of the trapped
And the girl of the free
Yet they so strongly held on
To giggles and cuddles
The love of your lifetime
But soon she was gone