This is where your heartbeat lingers:
somewhere between hospital bed sheets
and the new-found aching in my chest.

The bed in which you slept
has been soiled by silent tears
and your nervous sweat.

You were always home to me,
but I was robbed by all your misery.

Replace your sorrows with an absence
of yourself, and I'll make my home
in your hospital bed sheets.

For some, this is a place of miracles.
For us, it's one of tragedy.

Leave me where you dropped me, like litter in the boulevard.
You're just another passer-by,
who sees my home in the dirt.
Pretend it wasn't you who made the mess, if it helps you sleep tonight.
I suppose I'm disposable,
now that I've been used.

You'd be so disappointed in me
If you knew the hobbies I've taken up.
I have whiskey in my right hand,
A lit joint in my left.

You'd be so disappointed in me
For getting high
Just to balance out the lows.
For getting wasted
To make the world stop spinning

But you're not here
And if you broke your promises,
I can sure as hell break mine.

If you loved me so much
You would have known.

You would have known I don't like
Sugar in my tea

And that I can't sleep without my demons
Side by side with me.

That when I suggested no, I was
Hoping you'd agree.

You would have known I needed stability-
Not whatever this is you've given me.
I can't waste away my heart
on something so untrue,
I cannot give my love
to unfaithful you.

If you really loved me,
These are things you would have known.
I've no time for your apology,
Please leave me alone.


But let this be a lesson to you,
That cheaters never prosper,
And liars never grew.

Winter is quiet, but always restless.
Irrevocably cold, and deceitfully burning.
Harsh at times, throwing storms of ice when tempered.
Apologetic, as it stews in silent shame.
Unforgiven, and tolerated.
A season which destroys beauty in order to create a kind of it's own.
Decorated, as if the beauty it created for itself hadn't been enough.

I never liked Winter very much,
but I've come to realize we've got a lot in common.

I don't know how much it meant to you.
When we touched and kissed and told secrets.
But it's all that I can think of.

I asked you how I should cut my hair,
and you didn't answer for a long time.
I wondered if you were with her again.

I don't know how much I mean to you,
or why you suggested a cut that looked just like hers.
*But you are all I can think of.

It's a strange feeling I can't quite speak aloud.
I can remember your filthy hands and how they moved from the small of my back to the bones of my hips,
I can trace those movements over and over but I can't ever recreate the sparks you ignited in me.
No, your hands were burning and mine are reaching.
I can remember exactly how smooth your voice sounds in my ear at 2am and how your chest moves with every breath you take in your sleep.
I can listen with all intention of hearing you still, for hours, but only silence answers.
No, I'm alone in this bed and you're probably breathing easily.

It's a strange feeling,
Yes, I've been missing you.

"Why do we always end up here?"
I thought, as we sat down
At the same old bench
For the millionth time.

I thought about how we came here
In a mid-may storm,
My makeup washed away,
And I heard you really laugh for the first time,
So I smiled for the rest of the day.

I thought about the first time I heard the words
"I love you" slip off your lips,
And how you swore we would make it work.
My hair got messier than the words you couldn't say,
And I saw you shut me out for the first time,
But I kissed you anyway.

"Why do we always end up here?"
You ask, as we settle in
At the same old bench
For the millionth time.

I smiled to myself,
And I realized
"It's just a really good place to sit."

clever boy, honest heart
a voice of well kept notes, and an unsound mind
in grieving, in loss you sang
never silenced, always tested
songbird, keep on singing.
string each note together as you always have
in beauty and even darkness, you sang
so full of love and life
songbird, keep on singing.
clever boy, broken heart
composing music, but never yourself
songbird, keep on singing
and hiding behind your art.

The winter is brisk, but not half as cold as you've become.
How can you say you loved me once?
When I look into those eyes that once seemed so warm,
I only see shadows where your soul used to be.

The winter is brisk, and you're a shell of yourself.
When did you change?
It must have been all the words the doctor used to describe you.
Crazy, depressed, nervosa-syndrome-disorder
There's bandaids where I used to see your beauty.

The winter is brisk, and you're in my head but I'm not in yours.
Why didn't you come back?
The therapist convinced you our love was poison.
But it was the only thing keeping you human.

I can't shake you back to life this time.
Snowglobe darling,
I'll watch your snowflakes fall,
and listen to what's left of your sweet melody.

When I was born,
My mother held me.
She loved me truly
And without restraint.
I was new
And not afraid.

When I was five,
My father held me.
He loved me on weekends,
But never stayed.
I was innocent,
Yet I felt shame.

When I was nine,
My sister held me.
She loved me when my stepdad yelled,
She hid me away.
I believed in fairy tales
Up until that day.

When I was fifteen,
My boyfriend held me.
He loved me when I hurt myself,
Until he did the same.
I was at fault,
I took all the blame.

Today I'm sixteen,
I won't let you touch me.
Don't love me, I'm not worth it,
Or so my demons say.
Maybe when I'm twenty,
I'll escape my chains.

When I hear that crack of thunder
I wonder if you heard it too.
And when the lighting flashes
Do you remember me
Like I remember you?

Do you remember yesterday?
The day you loved me.

We wrote letters to tomorrow
and savoured every moment.
We floated in each others laughter
and you stole my misery from my lips.

Do you remember today?
The day you loved me.

We burnt the letters and wrote new ones for new people, and cringed waiting for the day to end.
The laughter was muffled by the sound of that ambulance they took you away in, and my misery planted itself in your lungs.

Do you think about tomorrow?
The day you love me.
Or, maybe the day you don't.
We'll stop writing letters, and we'll wash down yesterday with what the doctor ordered.
We'll listen to laughter that isn't ours and wonder why nothing is funny like it used to be.
My misery grew back like a **** in me, and you still haven't uprooted the **** thing out of your chest.

If only we could turn back the clock, and wind it differently.
Yesterday could have lasted.
Today might have been saved.
Tomorrow might not look so hopeless.

I don't know if your clock ever got fixed
But every day feels like tomorrow to me.

when you hear your alarm go off the first time,
and then the second time,
and the third you finally open your eyes to
find yourself surrounded by the same four walls as yesterday -
it's okay if you press snooze again.
it's okay to go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're putting on your mascara,
and then your eyeliner,
and all the other crap that makes you feel pretty -
it's okay if you cry it all off.
it's okay to go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're putting on your favourite jeans,
and your comfy sweater,
and they just don't fit the same as they used to
because you're not the same as you once were -
it's okay to try something different.
it's also okay to just go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're walking down the hallway to your first class,
and then your second one and it's all just as dreadful,
and you can't concentrate on anything other than
just picking up one foot after the other, just getting there -
it's okay to just be present physically for today, if that's all you can manage.
but maybe, it would be okay if you just went back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you get home and your mom calls you for dinner,
once, twice, and three times,
but you're just not hungry and you're not sure you can
keep up the stone face you've been wearing all day -
it's okay to ask her to save some for you to have later.
just go back to bed, just give yourself some room to breathe.

but  you don't.

every day, you fight the same battle.
and if it feels like you're not making any progress,
just remember that you didn't go back to bed -
and you could have -

**but you didn't.

My whole life I've been lost, and
my whole life they've said, "go home".
I've read enough books and
I've seen more than enough films to know
home isn't always the same place
we retire ourselves to night after night.
So I lay awake -
Is this all there is?

In my dreams, the most beautiful places
in the entire world come alive:
The Pyramids of Egypt,
Grand Canyon,
Even Venice, Italy.
I can taste the adventure,
but I wake into a world with four walls
and no stories to tell.
Is this all there is?

"So travel," they tell me.
"See it all, the big cities and bright lights,
dip your feet in untested waters, go on."
And I've mustered enough courage to
get myself out of bed, to the car
and to brush past all my old friends.
I've got luggage, and a train ticket.
And I've got baggage, and a question:
Is this all there is?

"Board, or go home", the man behind me whines.
"Maybe I'll do both," I mutter,
but I find myself slunk against a wall
waiting for a departed train.
All my life, I've been lost.

Four walls and five words -
and they haunt me every day.
I could travel, I could go home,
but I'd still be lost anyway.
Every inch of the world could be mine,
to touch and to wander.
But what if I had boarded only to find
home was always in these four walls
echoing the same 5 hollow words -
*Is this all there is?

Winter is coming and I'm panicked.
I'm scared of the nostalgia it might bring
when I see the first snowflakes fall
for the first time without you.

You're warm and cozy, probably,
enjoying it all too well.
And I know the only way I'll survive this winter
is to have a heart colder than the air around my cloudy breath,
and the shoulder of you - a stranger -
someone I once knew like the back of my hand.
I'll pretend when I close my eyes
it's not you I'm seeing.

The temperature is dropping, and the leaves are dying
one by one.
I'm hiding away my feelings,
burying them until spring.
But maybe by then, they will have slept beside you too long.
They'll be dead, and kept by you,
Irretrievable - too far gone.

I'm not grieving just for you, anymore.
I'm grieving for myself,
and the cold-hearted ***** I have come to be.

I spent seven days staring at burgundy walls - you always hated the colour I chose.

Day one I tried to cry, to mourn, to breathe. No matter how loud I screamed, you never came back to me.
Day two my throat was raw, and water might have eased me for a moment, but my god there was no cure to the pain of missing you.
Day three I swatted at worried hands and closed my eyes, but I had to keep opening them to make certain the walls weren't really closing in on me.
Day four I whispered my own name a million different times, just trying to find a way I might roll it off my tongue the way you used to.
Day five I forgot the sound of your laughter and I tried so ******* hard to just get across the room, to the phone, maybe if I called you would pick up. Maybe you could just remind me, just once more.
Day six my body burned and I forgot how my front yard looked, but I still couldn't find it in myself to throw my feet over the edge of our - my - bed, and walk outside.
Day seven I still stared at the same four walls, but I noticed how much I loved the burgundy paint, and that I never had to hear your complaints about it again.
Day eight I stood up, despite the aching in my chest and I admired burgundy walls for being a beacon of hope, and of forgiveness, amongst the vast sea of  blame you left me to swim in.

I don't know how many days its been now, but I never did repaint our - my - room.
You're the kind of heartbreak that will always bring  another day one every so often,
But as long as my walls are burgundy, staring at them for seven days will never be too heavy a price for finally freeing myself from you.

You called me a joke.
So here's the punchline.

I know a girl
With a gasoline temper.

She warns me each day.
She's harmless without cause,
But flammable all the same.

I know a girl
With a gasoline temper.

I tempt her with sparks
And tell her I'm sorry,
But still she takes the blame.

I am fine, honestly. I've come so far from where I've been.
2. Look at my wrists. I told you I stopped.
3. Those aren't scars, it's just the lighting.
4. What? No, I wasn't crying. Idiot.
5. Of course I slept last night. Why wouldn't I have?
6. Yes, the nightmares stopped. I can breathe again.
7. I already ate. No thank you.
8. I'm finally over him, and I'm ready to fall in love again.
9. Don't worry. I am well enough to help you with your problems. I am okay.
10. I am safe. I wouldn't dream of hurting myself again.

I should have told you the truth. Maybe I wouldn't be in this lonely mess.

10. I'm not safe, and I need someone to take care of me. Please don't let me out of your sight. Something could get me, and that something could be me.
9. I'm sorry, I just can't help you. I can't even help myself. I'm afraid I'll make whatever you're going through worse. I just can't handle being at fault. Not again.
8. I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I loved him.
7. I'm starving, but my God does it feel good.
6. I haven't slept for three days, and I can't see straight.
5. I can't sleep without you here.
4. I've been sobbing for hours. I know you heard me, and I know you don't give a ****.
3. I carved your name into my skin.
2. My wrists are clean to keep your questions at bay. Please don't check my thighs.
1. I have never felt worse than I do today. And I know tomorrow will be a new hell, and I would do anything to keep it from coming.

Anything.

Oh, I want to tell you. Believe me, I do.
I want to tell you how much it all hurts,
and how I hear your heartbeat in the chorus of every song.
If I could only reach the depths of your mind you never let me touch
we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
I want to scream at you, trust me, I do.
I ache to let my rage reign at full capacity,
and give you hell that burns eternally.

I'm afraid if I let these words marinade in my hatred,
I'll become far too bitter a person.
And what if your taste never leaves my lips?
I want to ask you.

Here we are, though.
I'm not speaking, screaming, and certainly not asking.
I'll drown my sorrows in something shameful,
and pray you care to save me.

If 3am could talk it would probably tell me all your secrets.
it would tell me the position you sleep in to feel safe
and the ice cold comment your best friend made.

if 4am could talk it would probably only whisper rumours.
It would assume you can't sleep because he hurt you last year
And it would conclude the fluttering of your eyelids had something to do with what you failed to tell 3am.

If 5am could talk it would be nervous and unsteady.
It would look to your still body and wonder if you were at peace, and if it should wake you.
It might ask 6am to follow up.

If 6am could talk, it would try to be cheery. For the sake of 5am.
It might say you slept just fine, and tomorrow will be the same.
6am might lie and have you shaken and stirred for 7am to handle.

If 7am could talk, it would not know what to say.
It would tell me you were happy being unhappy
7am would giggle mindlessly and hope I went away.

By 8am, no one will be talking but you. And you will tell me a mix of what I already heard through the whispers of the night before.

By 9am the silence of the noise will begin all over again, and you'll wonder why nothing has changed. Why 3am can't be trusted, and 8am hasn't saved you from the incessant humming.

I want to listen to you at 3am, not the silence that tells me what wasn't mine to hear.

I want the truth at 4am, and to hold you when 5am can't.

I want to push away the last of the darkness at 6am, and I want to give 7am something to talk about.

I want to be your saving grace at 8am. I want to be the change you feel at 9am, when you hear the music of the world instead of the noise.

sixteen shots and nine hits later,
do I love you still or am I wasted?
pour me another, straight *****.
if I feel you still, I'm sure I'll take it.
puff puff pass, his smoke in my mouth.
seventeen shots and ten hits later,
love is bitter, hard to chase.
no amount of self-destruction will rid my heart
of such an unforgivable taste.

When you don't need me,
you put me on a shelf
with your dusty trophies
you never really earned,
and antiques
you never took care of.

I'm up front, visible,
easy to reach
at your convenience.
But I know you would rather
take what you need from
your precious china cabinet.

Just know that when you fumble,
when you slip up,
and when you stumble,
your precious china will break.
But I will still be here.

Someone once told me I was not colourful.
In the way I
Laughed,
Danced,
Spoke.

When I sought out something to fill my pages,
I found you fit the bill.
In the way you left me
Bruised,
Broken,
Defeated.

I looked in the mirror,
And I saw it.
My colours
Black,
Blue,
Crimson red.

Someone told me I needed to wash you away,
That I needed colours,
Not shades:
Destructive,
Controlling,
Loveless.

I keep scrubbing and scrubbing,
Just to get you away.
But the
Scars
Wont
Fade.

You're there when you can feel the anchors on your feet,
And your lips have turned a sickly blue.
When you reach your final breaking point,
And there's nothing left for you.

You're there when you can't see a future,
And your tears won't even come.
You've lost all your will to care,
And you've forgotten where you came from.

You're there when you're rocking back and forth,
And there's no one coming to your rescue.
When you scream so loud no one can hear,
And you can't ever find a refuge.

You're there when you can relate to this,
And you're not sure how that could be.
When you think maybe you're not so bad,
Cause "rock bottom could never happen to me".

When I kissed you for the first time, it wasn't how I had imagined it.

The plan was to bring you flowers, and beg you on my knees.
Take me in, give me a chance.
Fall in love with me.

I was drunk, greedy,
Bursting with a lust you wouldn't feed.

I drank so much ***** I couldn't see more than the space you left between us, and when I found your lips I kissed you hard,
And it wasn't romantic like I meant it to be.

You were falling though, according to plan. Your fingers traced my back, and you cried when you found me falling too,
But to the bathroom floor, red cup still in my hand,
Instead of falling for you.

I'm deeply sorry for that kiss,
And how I let it land.
When you pulled away, and you left me there,
I didn't understand.
It's taken me months, but I'm sober now.

I kissed you because I was lonely,
I was wasted and out of my mind,
You were drunk and speaking yours.

But you left because you loved me.

I remember the day you promised me the world,
Forever and always.

And you kept your word all summer.
I woke up with your arms around me and
Your sleepy laughter filling the room.

When autumn came,
Forever started to fall apart.
It crunched under our feet with the leaves,
And the changing colours made it all to beautiful
For us to realize everything was dying.

Winter came and forever was long gone.
It was replaced with a burning coldness,
And a longing for the warmth of summer,
A taste, a sliver of forever.

When spring came around,
I was looking through the mess of soggy leaves
Finding pieces of forever, but never enough
To salvage what we once had.

You were finding pieces too,
But you pawned them off on someone else.
She tried to put your pieces together,
But always knew there were some missing,
That they belonged to someone else first.

I think that we always knew,
Forever was meant to fall apart,
And we could sell it to whoever we wanted to,
But it would never be the same as it was
Brand new.

what happened to you that burned
a fire in your gut, you look
like you breathed in a forest fire
overnight an forgot how to
exhale anything but ash and dust.
you look to be in pain, like
your lungs are rubbing together
like two pieces of sandpaper.
I can see you need help
to put yourself out, but
I can't get too close
without burning myself.

I loved you with everything I had,
and you loved me with limits.
I loved you with your messy hair,
and how you made me forget.
You could never say the words
that you really meant.

I loved you with everything I had,
and you loved me with limits.
I told you all my secrets,
all the things I never said.
That same night you said you loved me,
but you wouldn't come to bed.

It's been a while, and you're the same
except your hair is different.
I knew right then I loved you still,
it shook me to the bone.

"I liked your messy hair better."

All too well rehearsed, you said
"It was just too difficult to take care of."

And I knew why I was sleeping alone.

Its kinda like if love were cables,
I was quick to plug them in.
and if hate ran through my veins,
I cut away at them.
You can't have a red plug
in a yellow socket.

Sometimes its hard to install new things,
to plug the right colours
in the right places,
and I get a little mixed up

you see,

My veins ran as long and thin,
the colours seemed to fit.

But I'm not electric,
and I snipped at the wrong lines this time.

You're the heaviest rain to ever soak my skin,
And I'm drenched to the bone
But you're not giving in.

You're the crispest air to ever slash my wrists.
And it burns but I love you still,
Only now, with clenched fists.

You're the poorest soil to ever grow my heart,
I'm left to rot but I love you still,
Like I have from the start.

You're the most toxic man I've ever met,
And so you took too many pills
To even out your head.
You left the ones who loved you
With all this **** regret.
And the worst part is that to this day,
I haven't stopped loving you yet.

By the time you see this, it will be too late.

I asked for help, I screamed for years and I received nothing but empty promises.
I recall praying for something with substance to come into my life, but the only substances I remember having came in dime bags and shot glasses.
I remember carving names into my skin and breaking my own heart, and I know that you were there to see it all go downhill.

By the time you see this, I might still be breathing through pressed lungs.
The air feels like sandpaper, and I can't bare another scratch.
So if my chest still heaves as you read this, know that it's too late to save me from the pain.
The pain is in me, and the pain I have become.
Let me be.

I met a girl with
Heavy eyelids
And a heavier heart.

She didn't know it,
But she broke my bones
With every touch.

She wondered why I would
Back away.
She wondered why
I wouldn't stay.

I had met a boy
With heavy eyelids
And a heavier heart

He didn't know it,
But he set fire to my bones
With every touch.

He wondered why he would
Never be enough.
He wondered why -
Until it got too rough.

The boy tried to save me
From his ways
By outing himself
And stopping his heart.

He stopped being strong after that,
So I had to start.

I built castle walls around myself
And never answered the door.
I couldn't have another obituary
To add to the shelf.

But this girl was persistent,
She knocked loud and without pause.
I answered only to send her away,
But I took one look and I fell with good cause.

I invited her in, nervous and unwell.
She settled me down,
And got me out of my shell.

The boy has long since been gone,
But his presence remains.
For a ****** exit
Leaves quite a stain.

The girl can see me
In ways no one else can
It scares me to hell,
But I know I'm ready.

Because if you can't tell,
I made her mine already.

She found solitude in
Minimal calories
And
Open skin.

But it's a losing battle
On your own,
So darling,
Let me in.

Sometimes I miss it.
The uncomfortable seats and the nervous tapping.
Dozens of eyes staring on through.
The panic in a mother's eyes and
How quick feet left a crowded room.
I'm nostalgic for my misery,
Because I knew it so well,
Because it knew me, too.

Comforting is a tragedy,
When it's one you've learned to recite
Day after day, the same practiced smile
Then bleeding it out by my own hand
Night after night.
I knew my lines well,
I'd known my whole life.

I miss it some days,
the adrenaline of the ER.
I know that it's wrong,
But breaking felt so right.
My demons have mostly gone,
And for that I thank myself.
But if it ever gets too safe out here,
I'll retire to my old bed.
I'll welcome back my old friends
With my hospital bracelet
wrapped around pink wrists again.

In a world of infinite palettes,
you gave me a single colour
and told me to paint.

I was so scared you wouldn't
frame my work
I never picked up the brush.

At 3AM I hear your laughter echo through the house, and I let it ring through my memories the way the summer breeze blows through my open window.

3:01 I touch my lips and remember the way they used to press against yours, and I let the feeling sink down the way my exhausted body sinks into my mattress.

3:02 I remember the way you would grab my wrists, and i'd wince as the pain shot through me, the way my teeth pierce my cheek in my mid night  nervousness.

3:03 I realize all the time I've wasted, between 3:00 and this very moment.

3:04 I realize I've wasted more than minutes on you. I've wasted months, years.

3:05 I clear my head. Your laughter becomes absent as it really was, your lips aren't mine to kiss, and my wrists are only pained by my own hand.

3:06 I remember the past 5 minutes, for the infinite time since you left me.

It must be an acquired taste
To wake each morning with love in your mouth.

It must be bittersweet
To watch simple affection grow complex.

What a flavour
Is living in the shadow of a man.

Perhaps I've lost my appetite.

If love builds bridges, why are we stranded?
I'm bruised and I'm broken,
Lost and abandoned.

I've gone down every winding path, traveled every twisted road.
There's no map, there's no escaping.
I've ventured through the thick and there's nowhere left to go.
There's promise beyond the rivers,
But with a heavy heart I'll sink.

If love builds bridges, mine already burnt.
I'm bruised and I'm broken,
And you're not even hurt.

You told me you loved me.

You told me once,
Twice,
A thousand times.

You told me softly,
With sweaty hands,
And eager lips.
You told me loudly,
For the world to hear.

You told me truthfully,
With tears down your cheeks,
And sadness in your eyes.
You told me to comfort me,
When there was sadness in mine.

You told me fervently,
With madness in your step.

Perfectly,
In the snow, with winter on your breath.

You told me until your lips grew chapped,
And your throat was raw.
You told me as many times as you could,
In every opportunity you saw.





You told me you were leaving.

You told me once,
Twice,
A thousand times.

You told me softly,
With your body shaking,
And your lips trembling.
You told me loudly,
Unforgivingly,
And doubtful.

You told me truthfully,
With tears pooling in your eyes,
When your hands just couldn't find mine.
You told me to comfort me,
That you'd come back in time.

You told me carefully,
With tenderness.

Imperfectly,
With dying love in your caress.

You told me until you couldn't breathe,
Until I started screaming.
You can't leave me, you can't leave me.
But you left me anyway, in the snow and bleeding.



Your words were made to break me.

9:30 am dates in the coffee shop
your day starts with a coffee, two creams.
I get a coffee too,
just to keep my hands busy,
but my day starts when I look at you.