I wanted to write about how much I loved
the way your fingers move quietly down your guitar
as it gently weeps, but I could only remember the way
those same hands left bruises on my body
and left me sobbing at 2am.

I tried to write with ink how  much I missed you,
but I scribe only with spilled blood.
This is what it was, and always will be.

Strum you do, on your guitar so lovingly
and my heart strings too - more reckless with each beat.
Raise the tempo, my heart rate too.

I want to forgive,
and forget the way this music used to move us,
but my love,
I ******* hate you.

I begged you to stay,
But you left without a word.
I wish you would have listened because
I had so much to say.

I begged you to try,
But you gave up without a fight.
Every day without you here
is another lonely night.

You begged me to move on,
With lust filling your brown eyes.
You hoped that I was stronger,
that you wouldn't have to lie.

You begged me not to cry,
But I gave too much to lose it all.
You wished away our promises because
Now you'd take the fall.

But beggars can't be choosers,
And just because we thought we won,
Never meant we'd not end losers.

I don't know if any of this matters, but I need to say it anyway.

I could say
"I'm sorry",
but it wouldn't mean more
than the "I love you"s
I faked.

I don't know much about
what makes your eyes light up,
or what you think about at 3AM.

I do know that you aren't much for words,
but for me you tried.

I know you once told me
food tasted better when you were
with me.

I know your favourite song is
Scar Tissue,
and that you play guitar.

I also know that you were not sure of me
either.


Back then, I would have told you I loved you
to keep you around.
Because I was
scared.

Today, I would tell you I love you
because I mean it.
Because you bring out
the best in me.


I do not know many things.

But I am sure that I have made a mess.

I am sure that I miss you like hell, and I was wrong.

I don't know if any of this mattered, but I needed to say it anyway.

I'm not saying I'm in love with you, but I could be.
You're the person I want to tell about my day, and you're all the words I want to hear drag on in the dark of the night. You're the thoughts attached to my morning coffee and to my evening reflection.

I'm not saying I'm in love with you,
but I want to travel the world by your side, once, twice, even a third time. The first to see the world, the second to see you, and the third to realize you're one in the same.
I want to write in languages unspoken about the way your lips curve around mine, and I want you to drown me in your every movement. You're a tidal wave, and I'm all washed up.

I'm not in love with you,
but I'm so dangerously close.

Goodbye to brown eyes,
and your gentle voice
singing midnight lullabies.

Goodbye to messy hair,
strong arms to hold me,
and every laugh we used to share.

Goodbye to my guitar in your hands,
and my head in your lap.
To all your favourite bands.

Goodbye to your soft kiss,
and skin against beautiful skin.
I never thought it'd end like this.

Goodbye to  safety,
and everything I ever knew.

Goodbye, good luck,
and I'll always love you.

I hope you heard my voice, in your sleep
and it haunts your waking hands that reach for me
in your empty bed.

I hope your arms forget everything but the air around them,
and you cling to memories instead of holding me.
*My bed is empty, too.

Deafening,
the sound of your tears are piercing me.

I spend every last second of my life
digging through your head
to unbury what you try to keep hidden.
I know that you're hurting -
let me fix you.

"Pull me out, pull me OUT!"
You're screaming to be rescued.

"I'm drowning! Pull me OUT!".

You're screaming to be rescued,
But I notice you aren't swimming.
You're hardly treading water,
Barely even kicking.

I reach for your steady hands,
But you tremble when I'm close.
I'm screaming "I don't understand!"
As you breathe in through your nose.

"Pull me out, pull me OUT!"
But I can hear you giving in.

I remember how you showed up at my door
and you knew I was weak in your presence.
You took my face in your hands,
and made me feel again.

You took me upstairs,
you showed me all the passion
we thought we had
forgotten.

Your flame burnt out and
I asked you to tell me that
you loved me, one more time.

I saw your shoulders slump
and that was the moment
I knew it was over.

Each day of December is one spent waiting
for something new to come along
and compensate for the year I've had.

Here comes another year,
but right now we're all taking shots,
and kissing people we won't remember tomorrow.
As the clock strikes midnight,
everyone in the room is glowing.
Hopes and dreams are renewed again,
but all I can do is reflect on 365 days I failed.

Happy new year,
all the people I love are excited to begin again.
But today is just another day to me,
another day of December.

It's hard to celebrate new beginnings
when every day is spent waiting for one.
If you need me, I'll be in December
still trying to salvage what I left there.

I drank more than I could handle,
and you didn't take care of me.
I drank so much I almost forgot how much I loved you,
until I saw your lips on hers.

One of my best friends,
well how's an eye for an eye?
I hope she was worth it,
your best friend is just as much of a *****.

I hope you watched the way I touched him,
and I hope you hated how she tasted.
I want to know you saw me sleeping in his bed
instead of yours.
I hope when you woke up and saw me curled up next to him,
you felt pain that pierced through your heart.

I have a thousand regrets,
and you will never be one of them-
But I hope it becomes what you are made of-
A thousand regrets.

I fell in love with someone who gave me everything.
He held me closer than I'd ever known, and right there - breathing in his musk, I was not afraid. I was indestructible.
But he didn't love me, and it broke my heart.
People are not safe havens.

I fell in love with someone who took everything.
He left me empty-handed, but with a few scars to show for it. The apologies came in fistfuls, and my forgiveness never did.
He loved me, and it broke my heart.
But people are not prisons, either.

I've had to try and fail at love in a million ways, but you learn to fall apart gracefully.
People are just people,
and you are in control of your life.

Our first kiss was here, and you were so quiet the waves washed away your nervous humming.
I wish I would have caught your stutter.
We made history here, and I'm so sorry I only paid attention to the beauty of the sea.

Our last kiss was here, and you weren't quiet anymore because you were angry.
This time your eyes were the waves, washing me from your memories.
and oh, how I paid attention.

“Let’s watch the sun rise,” you said.
While I bore my eyes into the light, you were watching through the reflection in my eyes.

“Let’s go out for dinner,” you said.
While I shuffled around each calorie to avoid question, you shuffled in your seat – nervous to know if you would get to take me out again.

“Let’s go to the movies,” you said.
While I raved about the film, you thought about the way my hand felt in yours.

“Goodnight,” you said.
While I questioned what was really in your heart, you thought about what it would be like to wake up next to me.

“Goodbye,” I said.
And I felt nothing.
While you felt *everything I didn’t.

I became too weak to get out of bed
The same day you became
too weak to hold me.

Coincidentally,

The day before you gained the strength
to walk away from my voice
inside your head.

I searched for you
Every night;

I searched the stars,
The canyons,
And the ocean
Far and wide.

No matter where I looked
You just weren't in my sights.

You searched for me
Every day;

You searched the clouds,
The mountains,
And the rivers,
Far and wide.

I asked the moon
"Where could she be?"

You asked the sun
"When will she find me?"

In a rare eclipse
We crossed paths
But we couldn't see clearly

In a common passing
We crossed our fingers
That she might love me dearly.

"Does she love me? How will I know?"
I asked the moon
Who solemnly replied
"You don't."

We searched for this love.
But we remember -
all that is found
is bound to be lost.

I guess I'll spend another night
The way I always do.
Waking into nightmares
Of suicide and you.

I could write a thousand words to take your breath away.

I could write about your drive,
The ways you make me smile,
How you keep me alive.

I could write about your skill,
How your pen hits the paper with a spark,
And that it always will.

I could write about the colour of your eyes,
The way your tears hit the floor and shatter me,
And the part of me that dies.

I could write about forgiveness,
How you always have some in your pocket
And how I wish I'd need it less.

I could write about the scars on your skin,
The battles you've fought,
The way you never gave in.

I could write about your laugh when you're drunk,
The way it echoed in my ears
And the way my heart sunk.

I could write a thousand words to take your breath away,
Or I could simply tell you you're a mess,
And I like you that way.

When I said goodbye, I expected you to come running back
The way you always had in the past.

I never could have foreseen that you would hardly blink,
That you would leave and never say a word to me again.

I wait at the phone, still,
Hoping one day you might wake up with a feeling of nostalgia for the moments we shared.
That you might show up in the middle of the night and scream that you miss us from the rooftops.

But this life isn't cinematic,
And nothing goes as planned.

You turned on your heels that night under the dim light of a quiet street, and you never looked back.

And its too late now, its too late for me to chase after you. The lights have gone out, and you're living your life without me.

I wish that I could hate you for it,
But how could I hate you for finally being happy?

where do you go?
when all the doors have been slammed in your face,
when you  hold on just a second too long,
and you're dragged in by the undertow
in such a deadly embrace,
where do you go?

when your eyes have drained of passion -
the kind that drove you to the fight you never forfeit,
when you lose all you love, and everything you know
where does your broken heart take you then?
where do you go?

when your panic room is exactly how it sounds,
no longer built for safety but for keeping
all your darkness contained within,
letting madness ensue underneath your skin
where the shadows have no bounds.
where do you go?

when you're lost, but you know the feeling
and you know exactly where you are, cause
when in this deadly embrace,
is where we find ourselves -
hiding.

Prescribe me something to take away the pain,
but God, please don't prescribe me any medication.
Give me love, give me substance.
Give me a cigarette, an excuse.
But please, don't prescribe me *crazy pills.

When moonlight fights its way through the darkness to finally meet your lips
Will you kiss it back,
Or succumb to solitude in slumber?

I know this place, it swallows you whole if you stop moving.
It's dark, and not as friendly as the shadows claim to be.
This place is one I've come to know through your troubled hands
and through the slits in my skin, it has come to know me.
Wandering aimlessly without light to find my way out of the abyss,
fighting off the grasp that holds so tightly.
But it's a battle that can't be won
when you're breaking your own bones to be free.

Last night the stars fell out of the sky,
and you sighed deeply in your sleep.
I thought maybe you could feel it too,
the universe falling around us.

I fell in love with you last night,
and you're sleepy mind had not a clue.

I laid awake all night, listening
to the humming of your breath
against my rigid skin.

I fell in love with you last night,
and you rolled out of bed
and out the door
before my heart could let you in.

Love can open a million doors.

It can show you no pain lasts forever,
And with hard work comes great reward.
It can mend you when your heart has been
Ripped out and trampled on,
And it can give you hope for a
Better tomorrow.

Love can open a million doors.

Or it can show you how deep pain can pierce,
And how long scars take to fade.
It can leave you shaking in the
stillness of four AM,
And begging for a
Better tomorrow.

Give me
Scarlet escape routes.
A place to call home.

Give me
Scarlet escape routes.
A place he won't go.

Give me
Scarlet escape routes.
A place I can roam.

Give me
Scarlet escape routes.

And I'll give you my last breath.

I just can't take
This pain in my chest.

All I needed was your hand to hold when mine was shaking,
and something steady to grasp when I wasn't stable.
I needed your time, but you had none to give away.
I wanted a loan, something to get me by.
I was thinking love, but you had something else in mind

All I got was your hand in the wrong places,
and a grasp I couldn't escape from.
I needed your help, but you had none to offer.
I wanted out, anything to say goodbye.
You were thinking a walk to the bedroom,
but I was thinking suicide.

"Promise me, that even when I'm gone, you won't do anything stupid or reckless.
Promise me you will be safe."

When the world is spinning and falling apart in front of your eyes,
it's hard to promise anything more than the truth.

"Cross my heart," I whispered, grinning,
"and hope to die".

And for the last time I saw you smile back at me.
And you never thought twice about it.

They will try to take everything.

The people you love, and the flowers you've grown,
every award you have earned and every dollar you've yet to spend.
Your safety and your home, your lover and your rights to freedom.
They will bleed you dry of everything you own.
Your sanctuaries to ruin, music to rhythms with no sound.
This is real life, and they've no reason to stop taking
what was meant to be ours, for now and since ever.
I haven't got much left but my head, and my heart
and to no surprise, they've both been aching.

They will try to take everything, but my God,
you cannot let them.

Go if you must, now if you can.
Take all that you've got left,
run til you can't stand.
This is your battle, your fight
and fight it you must,
every day of your life.

This is the night,
one we shan't ever forget,
for this is the eve we remembered
how to be who we are
without apology.

Now go! Don't ever stop,
remember this poem
forget what they taught.
If they take us, do not forfeit.
Go, if you must,
but go violently,
Go, and we must,
and never go silently.

I don't need you to tell me
Everything will be alright.
I learnt years ago,
This is a battle,
And I will fight.

I don't need you to stitch me up,
I can do it on my own.
I'm not who I was years ago,
When you had to tend my wounds -
I have long since grown.

I don't need you to hold me
Or even talk me down.
I outgrew that offer years ago,
When I still had some innocence,
When I thought you'd stick around.

I don't need you, I don't need anyone.
I've told you a billion times.
You should have tried this years ago,
And I might have changed my mind.

Talk to me when I'm lifeless,
When I'm cold and with my teeth grit.
Yes I needed your stupid help,
Why did I ever need to say it?

How many days does it take to forget me?
Fewer or more than the days since you met me?

How many days will it take you to shake me?
Fewer or more than the days til you break me?

How many tears can I cry about you?
Fewer or more than the promises I made to you?

How many fears can I face without you?
Fewer or more since the day I lost you?

Answers, I need answers.
But I don't need you.

This is love?
Is that what this is to you?
A quickie, a "gotta run",
and you swear that you're true?

Don't offer me your hand,
to only draw it away.
You can't string me along
to keep your heartache at bay.

This is love?
I don't want any part in this ****.
You broke my ****** heart,
and now you're gonna pay for it.

Your hands were intertwined in mine.
Those days, your hair was messy, and as hard as I tried to comb through it, you managed to mess it up every time.
Those days, your skin was warm like the summer air, and with each night you wrapped me in your arms, I didn't know I was struggling to break free.
Those days are long since gone.

Your hands were letting go.
Those days, our lives were messier than your hair ever was, and we tried to clean up our acts to no avail.
Those days, your skin grew cold and took the texture of a snakes. With each night you wrapped her in your arms, even you knew it should have been me.
Those days are long since gone.

Your hands are lost in your messy hair now, your hands hold none but your own.
They don't reach for me anymore, there's no sign of the hands mine used to know.

Every word I say rings through your head.
Mellow, and composed.

I meant to scream them at the top of my lungs,
But then, you'd never hear me.

Despite every massacre of yourself,
you are still ******* here.
Doesn't that count for anything?

I think I built myself off of what people could write about me
if I lived my life a certain way.

Maybe I read too many sad books,
but I have one hell of a story.

I can see it plain as day
The lust in your eyes.
I can see the way you long for me
Hands gliding up my thighs.
I know you crave my touch
even when you back away.
When you strike, you don't hold back.
And you think that I'm surprised -
But I saw it coming, plain as day.

What I can't see is why you're hiding
that what you feel is so much more.
You never did let go of me,
Nor did I of you.
I love you still, like I did before,
and you see it plain as day.
I'll spend forever waiting
for you to just confess
all the things you'll never say.

I tried to write a poem that did you justice.
But no words could flow on paper
as beautifully as they do
off your lips.