Glasses that tinted blue under the sun
cold, white teeth that dazzled
a smile that fizzed
it whizzed in my stomach.

Tingling, fidgeting hands
a correction of plans that I made when you asked if I was free
for you, I'd always be.

The dark hair that snaked across your head
it drew my breath
and with it left,
the rest of my youth and that is the truth.

Brown eyes, hidden by wireless frames
the sparkle that you once brought
has many times given me the thought:
of how I wish  I could paint your face and
hold your hand against my chest
to do my best to never let go, for then how could I ever know?

A smile that shattered the sky, you spoke of many things
but never once did you utter a "goodbye"
so imagine my surprise when you died and left behind
that wisecracking smile, etched into my skin.

What you did was a sin and now the sky is so dim
a dull lull loses control of it's full power to consume
****, you ruined my plans of a happy beginning
and now it's all about my never beginning ending.

I am spending my days fending for those memories
that fold in the corners of my mind
it takes so long for me to find
your voice that once saved me from my own demise

You were so wise, so sly with your ulterior motives
to take away your own life
and now it's my life to figure out why?
Why, did you have to die?

Daydreams about my future
consumed my fifteen year old mind,
if only I was informed that eight years later,
I'd still be daydreaming about my future.

Daydreams about my future
consisted of joy and freedom
if only I was informed that eight years later,
I'd still be restrained and joyless.

Daydreams about my future
so misleading to think I would be successful
eight years later and I still question if this
pain will ever cease to exist.

Daydreams about my future,
a world full of fairness that celebrates brightness
not this mess of confused individuality where
anonymity is the new frontier.

Daydreams about my future,
gave me hope that one day I would find the acceptance
I so desperately craved
Eight years later and I'm still hungry.

Daydreams about my future,
reprieve from the torment from my peers.
who would have known, that eight years later
my peers would still misunderstand me.

Daydreams about my future,
the place I withdraw and hide in.
Eight years later and I'm still stuck
in daydreams about my future.

Daydreams about my future,
a hopeless concept my young mind created
to pretend that reality is nonexistent
Eight years later and my reality is still choking the life from me.

Daydreams about my future,
the only thing that keeps me going,
eight years later and I'm still relying on a lie
to get me through this life until it's time to die

Daydreams about my future,
who would have known that I would be so naive to stay here
Eight years later, my twenty-three year old mind has
disappointed my fifteen year old self.

Daydreams about my future,
are all I have left.
Eight years later and I'm still here,
daydreaming about my future.

When we were little
you held my hair back
from my ear as you
gently breathed:
"I will always be here
to catch you when you fall."

But here I am,
Falling.
Falling so fast
my insides swell and
ooze from my
ears, nose and mouth.
So fast my heart
becomes lodged tight
in my throat.

I'm waiting for you
to pluck me from the air,
hold my hand in yours
and stand me back up
to teach me to walk again.

But you left me
here alone
and the concrete
begins to loom
ominously below,
and I fall to the
impending smack
and splatter of
my brains.

The cold ground
greets my face,
crushes my skull,
snaps my neck
in two.
My teeth shatter.

My brains pile in a
pillow under my head.
Then, every bone in
my body snaps.
Jagged pieces of these
bones poke through
my pallid and paper thin
skin,
and yet..

Somehow,
my heart still pumps
hard in my throat.
I start to fall unconscious
when I see your feet
approach my broken body.

You pick me up,
slide my brains into place,
force me to swallow
down my intestines
and you glue my
bones back together.

Then you reach down
my throat,
grab my heart,
and place it back into
the center of my chest.
Next, you walk away.

You leave me
but this time I am
not void of your presence.
This time, when you leave,
I'll see you again.
All I have to do,
is
fall.

I'm from apple pies
and endless blue skies.
A world that's plastered
with sweets and smiles that are backwards.

I'm from stagnant desks
that smell grotesque.
Schools that steal children's thoughts.
A place where all your free will rots.

I'm from a house seemingly warm
but inside lays a giant storm.
Yells and cries fill the walls
while the skeleton of hope fills the halls.

I'm from a place
that hates every "F" I obtain.
But with an "A" what would I gain?
Just some fake encouragement to make me vain.

I'm from "Hallelujah"
to crucify ya.
"Worship me or to hell you go"
But how would they even know?

I'm from backyard playing under the sun
until my friends deemed it no longer fun.
Canceled plans; left alone
have turned my gooey heart into stone.

I'm from broken mirrors
to cover up my fears;
to hide my reflection
and hope that I won't see my new direction.

I'm from the ending
but I'm not from the beginning
I'm just a finish to this puzzle.

I am the end.

I'm filled to the tips of my toes
with woes of my self-pitying prose
that tries to flow across the page
but only gets stuck, igniting my rage

nothing I do seems to produce
any ounce of respect,
even if I give it my best, over and over and over again
until there is nothing left but my own best, pest.
(me)

It's a contest that life and I play
but every time: I lose and I make an excuse
but life simply refuses to see it through, to give it a change
to show I can dance to the beat of my drum

Some *** on the street once spoke to me,
saying all my life I will be fleeing from things.
Bullied and put down; a girl can only accept so much regret
and emails that she never would get

Yet, I brush of my shoes
even though I know I'll probably always lose
at this game called life that has become my strife.
If only I could end this with a simple lie.

It's still not my time to die
even though I want to kiss it all goodbye;
I have found a reason to stay,
a boy, who has pushed my demons away

He's taught me to persevere
without having to sip from an ice, cold beer.
"my dear", he whispers, soft in my ear,
"I'll wipe your tears from your eye and steer you away from your fears."

A gift; he has been a gift
amid my own destruction,
I am learning to function, to beat life at it's own game
and to get away from this same, lame pain.

The boy has washed the dust from my shoes,
replaced my woes with beautiful prose that decorates my heart
and finally learns to become a piece of
still, marvelous art.

I'm smart, so I will not forget
that I am always in debt to this brown eyed
Guide that has guided me by to my light and
taught me to beat this game called life.

Consistently, I'll crave your inconsistency,
Consistently, inconsistent

Because--

Heaven, is what I feel when you touch my
Skin.
And when you sin with me in the dark,
Dark night I wonder if I
Might
Get the chance for this song and dance to last

The past is holding you back
From me.
Be still, stop running
Stop ruining everything in your path

Self-destruction

Funnily enough, I know you're slipping through
My fingers, so
Linger no longer in my bleeding heart

Just part ways with me already, I am not
Steady
On my own two feet with/out you

See? I am defeated, I am so defeated
As I crave our moments, so
Heated

Hot like fire; soulful desire
Dire
Is my craving for you to admire

Me.

But you won't see--

Me.

Be---ating hearts, stutter,
Flutter
Muttering soft murmurs of want,
Of need, of peace, of release

Haunt me
With your absence,
Have sense
To never come back
I won't take you back,
(Lie)
I won't take you back
(Lie, lie all I do is lie)

My, by and by I slowly die
And without care
You stare at my pain
And scoff
A brush, a kick in the dirt,
Don't you see my hurt?

Ghosted by you,
You don't see anything through
To the end

Scared little boy,
Ruined little boy.
Hurt little boy,
I would've loved you,
Little boy.
You foolish tool

I bid you adieu,

My Ghost.

Misunderstood.
Little girl that
Could
Not
Articulate her pain

Stained on her heart,
mediocrity and other's
hypocrisy

Stop and see
for a moment that her
naivete was stolen

Bolden your mind
time for a story,
you wore her down

She shut herself off
all because you scoff
at her pain

Rain is a reprieve from the
judgment you cast
At last,

when the moment is too late,
maybe you'll see
that you created her hate

she is not without cause,
pause and reflect
before you object

Misunderstood, little girl
who's only dream was to shine,
by and by she slowly dies

watch her decay at your
misguided guide
by and by she slowly dies

Misunderstood, little girl
who believed in love
now is wrung of any

positive light,
she's blight with sadness,
and insatiable madness.

Crass she may be,
she always wanted to see
if she could shine as bright
as she dreamed she could be

Misunderstood, little girl
by and by she slowly dies
without cause, without care
you scoff at her pain.

Rain is a reprieve from the judgment you cast.
By and by she slowly dies.
Misunderstood.
Lttle girl.

My teeth crunch the brittle bones of
my arms as I bite through,
drinking in my own blood.
I am fervent and charged with
electricity and an insatiable hunger
to swallow myself whole.

I continue to chomp through my bones,
hoping that the self-consuming pain
that sits so deeply inside is
eaten away with the rest of me.

I then hold my heart in my hands,
turning it over and over,
feeling how plump and ripe it is.
Then, I bring it to my lips
and sink my teeth into the
flesh, feeling it break open and
ooze deliciously down
the back of my throat.
I continue to consume
myself until all my pain
is
gone.

Sweet, my sweet, you taste like enlightenment.
Heightened to full-throttle maximum,
Your everything hums in my bones, *****.

Liquid lust, a dangerous smile, so tempting...
Fading into nothingness
Because you deny your feelings for me.

Head my warning, my sweet and low,
Forward motion will cause us to separate eternally.
Might I get one more taste of you, my sweet?

My heart cannot take another whack.
Back to singularity, back to just me being me.
Back to always relying on only my "me".

Feed me with your reconciliation,
Hail the absolution you seek,
It's empty in my open fist.

This wasn't my intention, to send you running
Furiously, away from an idea of me and you and us
Thus... us will never be.

Thus, you and me will never see the light of day
I see that now: wide-eyed, tear inducing,
Bright, light, truth shoved forcefully down my throat,
I see that now.

Won't you come to terms with your own mortality?
Contrary to what you think, time is ticking
Whisking away your internal, ticking time bomb of a heart.

Art is what we'd create if you'd surrender and just start
To see the potential we could make, my sweet,
You really do taste like heightened glory.

My sweet, for me, you are purity
You stir me to my core, my sweet,
I wish you could be my sweetness, my reprieve.

Hear me when I say, I will always crave
Every last bit of affection you gave
To my eager, bleeding heart.

Sweet, my sweet, you taste like fire,
Igniting my purpose, I worship at your altar.
Faltered steps, echo from your side of the bed.

As you leave me, my sweet.
You always leave me, my sweet.
You are so sweet, please stay with me, my sweet.

Someone please validate my feelings for me,
I'm so confused at what I want that my entire body
and mind ache with the anticipation of my decision
I cannot seem to be ridden of this grip you have on my soul.

Pull me back down to earth, give me a push to face
My indecision; abdication will be the death of me
I cannot bare to place pain on your face yet
My heart is yearning for a brand, new start.

Can I part from your warm, gentle arms?
That heat me up when I'm frozen to the core,
We swore we would always be one
But I can't help but think our love has become undone.

Can you ever forgive me if I part?
I know the answer is no, so this will become our ending
Surprising, I'm selfish enough to keep you for myself
Instead of setting us free to be who we ought to be.

You put forth so much effort to save us from our demise,
Honestly it just makes me cry at what we could've been,
It's a sin that I'm leading you forward,
but my vision is blurred from all the tears I have shed.

Instead, I look into those eyes and silently whisper my goodbyes,
because I know it's time for me to part from this disguise
That I'm trying to uphold; hold my hand one last time
Always remember you were my prime, love of this lifetime.

Nonexistent.
You used to be a nonexistent being
But here you are, and I am aching
From the look that you give me when you see me.
(You see me.)

You save me from the thunder that lies inside my heart;
Give me hope for a fresh, new start that will
Spread out before me, like butter on toast.
You give me the most satisfying hope.

Bluish pain once consumed my bones,
Only soft murmurs and whispers and moans
Could escape my lips until we kissed and you
Replaced the pain with sweet, warm rain.

Slain was my soul until
You knighted yourself; became my prince
To fill up that dull, null void of empty nothingness.
Breathless and airless; you have brought me to brightness.

The words that fell from your lips like drops of rain,
They filled me top-full up with a bright and mighty light
That gave me a reason to fight
For my once pathetic and pain filled life.

You have destroyed my strife and have become my reason
To step a step up the steep set of stairs
Of this big, fat mess of a life
Filled with airless cares.

You have saved me from my panicked mind.
I am no longer blind from the blight that laid inside.
Indebted to you, with not much to return,
I give you my heart, and this "so-called" piece of silly art.

So always remember the feelings that we both share,
For I will not bear to lose my prince,
Who has just started to rinse the filth from my soul, making me whole,
Taking away all of my pain.
(Replacing the dirt with sweet, warm rain.)

Restless leg syndrome
A hindrance on my being
Retching foam dribbles out
the side of my mouth
South it goes, down
to the ground.

Wound tight with salvia my
self-hatred flows in unity with it
The acidity of the bite bursts to flames
as the earth hits it

Worth every penny, I chuckle as
I chuck a bottle of pills into the
billfold of my coat.

"Won't this hurt?"
That's the point.
Right, back to the top

Restless leg syndrome
Catching on?
My mind can't contain one thought at a time
I spin on a dime, fine dining is the drug of
the millennial nines.
Hi! I'm super high today.

Just kidding, I'll never smoke ****
see me judging you in the corner?
I'm a straight laced, even paced
large tempered feminist *****.
Pitch me your best rich boy pitch
to get a date and maybe I won't chuck
your ***** into a ditch.

Hitch a ride down the road
Follow it now, down it goes!
Drop out quick!
Here comes the gun
run from it fast, till you reach the sun

Worship me or hate me, I don't really care.
Stare at me until you see who you wish
I actually was

t'was a sad story I read
when I found out you would be dead
by nine o'clock this evening

Did I tell you I plotted this reaping?
I peep in on your life from time to time
Crime is the center of my kind
Find me in the dark deep corners of
your mind, I'm always there
Seeing and watching but never debauching.

Have I mentioned I suffer from
restless leg syndrome?
It really is a hindrance on my being.

"Won't this hurt?", you ask
That's the point.
Right, back to the top

Ignorant, stupid girl.
Whirl away from feeling
anything deeper than the required
formal, reaping.

Plow forward without looking back
Stack your bones into place and race
to the finish.
Diminish in the desperation that is eating away
your entire, black soul.

Woefully, yearn to be away from the destruction
of your lack of a functioning heart.

Part ways with your stray, lame days
that tear into your skin

Sin until you change your outer appearance
Fear nothing unless it begs you to use emotion
Bludgeon doubt with a mighty fist
Wistfully break through the glass that is
encasing your cryptically fluid wallows

Give the dark permission to swallow
any good, light, bubbly thoughts
Be brought back to reality
snap back to gravity and laugh at me,
at you.

Stew your lack of identity to the core
let it bore you into a skeleton of who you once were before.
Furnish that dark, deep hole that you now inhabit

Stab it away, until you begin to decay
And rejoice at your last dying day!

In school I never understood
No, I never could
what the point of it was.
What is the point?

I learned about math and science;
Good God, why am I so defiant?
So call me lazy.
Tell me my IQ is below average.
Well here's an image:
I'm actually smart I just hate
being a slave
to the system.

I almost missed 'em.
But they caught me
and now they got me
and all that I intended to defend
is left on the side of the street.

I'm rebelling
while they're trying to compel me
to stay put in my seat
like a ******* robot.
Well, I will not.

I gotta break outta this prison
but where's my bailsman?
This is my decision
and I've chosen
not to be broken.

My mind will escape unscathed
while yours will continue to be lathed
by those mechanical words
that they feed to you like birds.
And what's worse:
Is that you eat it.
You accept them.
You swallow down that indiscretion.
What a burden
but I don't feel sorry
for you tainted mind
because you chose it
when I warned you
that they'd change you.

And now you've become a slave to their holocaust
and you're so lost.
You can't even think your own thoughts.
It's despicable.
And it's not permissible.

You're stuck in their Utopia
and you're praising their allah.
Well God knows, it's not right.
So you gotta ignite
all your original thoughts and morals
cause honey they aren't your idols.
They are so pretentious
and utterly blinded.
Stuck under their bibles
but they aren't angels.

Break free from the system
come join my anthem.
Let's start a rally
and get more allies.
Join me in my plea
to be all that we can be.
To stand for what we choose.
I promise we will not loose.

"Hypothetically,"  hypocrisy has become the new democracy.
Socrates once said "You must break free from society",
Admittedly, that is not a direct quote.

Woe, oh, no I do not believe in aligning my stars
with your sharp minded attitude that controls me from afar.
Hardships ahead suggest that you best let go of your
previously consumed ideals and feelings and repeal from
the concave society that begs us to encourage our propriety.

Sigh, it seems that this community of this city
is stuck in a trance and they do not wish to be disturbed.
Well I'm perturbed by that fact, yet I act like I understand
the zombie-like trance that has taken hold of all that are breathing,
Leaving only a few confounded by the monstrosity of this reaping.

Keep me here, away from the stagnant ailment that has
an arrant grip on the throats of the blokes that were
ignorant enough to believe that indiscretion.

True, it's become my obsession to call out all that is nonsensical.
It's apocalyptical! Their anonymity is frankly mystical.
Their words seem to be lathed with mechanical phrases and verbs,
again I'm perturbed and what's even worse, is I find myself intrigued by their complete lack of identity that I can't make sense of me.

See? It's a seductive prospect to attempt to project yourself into
that cult, but as a result all your visions of freedom will dither
and wither into nothingness.

Although, they're courteous enough to let you keep your vanity,
but the rest of you, all your thoughts of clean and lucid dreams, are
reamed from your mind, wound down to a soft and empty grind.

My, you really should ignite a morsel of self-respect to check out
of this direct fog that is hogging any last bit of intellect.
Dissect one thought from the other and then you'll wonder
how to crawl out of this ignorant hole that has
swallowed you down, consuming your soul.

Pull yourself away from their depreciating ways.
Reintroduce yourself to free will and thoughts
so you can be brought back to life and maybe even have
a deeply un-contrived and well-thought about thought.

Be wise, snap back into reality and let gravity do it's job.
Throb goes your heart.
Did you feel that? That puncture in your chest?
It's doing it's best to let you know that you're alive,
high with breath on your tongue and in your lungs,
Filled to the seams, light beams from your fingers.

Do not linger, here in this moment, rush to the surface
and escape the airless lies that are encrusting your soul.
Pull yourself up to the surface and allow yourself to be woken.

Broken you may be, but you can be renewed if you give yourself
permission to control your own admission.
So permise it and recommit to standing on your own two feet
and weep with joy at your eternal freedom.

This is where I leave you.
Alone with your lonesome self...
Relish in your new-found magnum opus,
let it give you focus to hone in on your blooming
and lucid, conscious brewing.

Keep it stewing.
Stirring to formalize your new ignition,
no longer is this a road to your perdition.
Ridden your thoughts, let your conformity rot
and let that *** stew all of your now, new
delectable thoughts.

The moment my eyes locked with his green depths, I wept.
I tried to hide my instant reaction to my extreme attraction but a fraction of a quiver coated my speech as I reached,
inconspicuously, to smooth out my jeans.

Sweat gleamed on my skin as the room started to spin beneath my feet.
I took a seat across from him, careful not to sit too close,
for I didn't want him to know how fast
my heart was beating beneath my clothes.

Woah, a spark started humming in my tummy, strumming a chord
that cut into my heart as deep as a double edged sword.
Breathy air bequeathed from my teeth as I held my ground.
Soundless beads of sweat zig zagged down my brow.

I frowned, "This is delusional", I thought to myself.
How many times have I been duped into thinking that
I could be even an inkling of what a man like him
dreams of and wants in a girl.

My churlish attitude certainly isn't intriguing.
I'm blight with below average height.
Freckles invade every inch of my skin.
Sinful words escape my lips as common as the air I breathe.
I seethe with anger, as if second nature.
I bicker with my sisters.
My hair is thin and flaccid.
I'm plastered with fake smiles
and encased in pallid, pale skin that sits grimly on my bones.
Groans are constantly escaping my throat as I complain.
I'm a grain of the being I once dreamt I could be.
I reek of desperation for some love or attention
that I've been seeking for since my contraception.

Yet, I still foolishly yearn for his mutual attraction.
There's an insolent fraction of hope that invades my heart and
fogs my smarts, blurring the truth.
**** my indiscretion is showing my youth.

So I do what I do best, I hide myself behind my wall.
I stall real conversation with humor, almost in a drunken stupor
I act as if I have nothing to offer.
For my offer is inadequate even to the loveless romantic.

I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist and realistically
I'm informed on the fact that I'm whacked in the mind
and my dissatisfying outer appearance does
little to make up for my complete unrefined kind.

So I grind away any chemistry I felt.
I've dealt with this before so I continue to implore myself
to forget his sea green stare, before I wear out my words
describing his full, pink lips that are rounded and firm.

Remember your place, you stupid, silly girl.
Hurl those sweet, tempting thoughts away for they are wrong.
You belong on the wall, holed up in the corner like swine,
to make way for those who are really meant to shine.

Miserably, I'll cling to the fading moments
I spent with you in my bed.
Fed up with things ending too early, I'll constantly
be fending for those soft touches and empty hushes.

Empty.
What a word to describe how I feel knowing you'll
be gone by Sunday, without waiting for me to heal.
Monday will come and my heart will shudder.
Flutters, that soft, delectable feeling that I felt in my stomach
will drop and stop, halting all pleasantries.

Finish
me off with one last kiss,
Make me miss
you until I fade from the confusion.
The pollution
that you have caused to build up in my chest
Best be worth the final touches you caress
onto my skin.

Sin-fully,
I'll compare your clear brown gaze to the
murky lust, dirtied by others.
I wonder if you ever had any room under your covers.
I wonder if I ever had any pull on you, ever.

Never,
Ever
will I ever want to weather that weather-y storm you've
measured with buckets of rain
painfully, locking onto my chest
glued to my teeth
Mistaken.
Misled.
My soul feels erasably unfed.

I bled.
I bled. I ******* bled when you held me in my bed
and the words of your utter denial
Cried out between us, causing a separation
I wanted nothing to be with.

God, just three weeks. That's it.
Three weeks, peaking my emotions to their
utter, serene, intoxicating HIGH.
My, what kind of magic have you poured
into my veins.
I didn't think you could ever be the cause of this much
Pain.

Wait.
I didn't want to be another one.
For me, I've always been the detached one.
The one with a dismissal attitude, a missile
of self-confidence and independence.

Impermanence was all you were ever offering.
While I always was offering you my everything.
Foolishly, albeit. Albiet, foolishly.
I'll be it. I will be it. I swear it. I'll be yours.
But **** it, you don't need it.

So?
Now what?

...

I'll go back inside and recreate
that tall, thick wall of utter
strength and unwavering singularity.
Single.
No more tingle in my bones, woe me.
Woe is me, all right.
Hope for me, that I can fight with all of my might.
If only I had the power to push you away
before it's too late, before I hate even a cell
of that specific date.
May. Thirteenth.

SUNDAY.

Pink wisps
      thin, like cotton candy,
f
l
o
a
t

softly around my skin.

I         s           n
             p    i  

under the expansive, lucid
sky.
    


S     i    g   h.



Air flows in and from
     my  lungs.

Hung in the depth of the horizon
sits a mountainous,
golden
               sun.

I run (run, run and run),
            quick to catch a lick
   of the warmth

into my mouth so it

f
i
l
l
s

me
      
to the seams.

Light      b     e     a    m    s
from my f
                    i
                       n
                           g
                               e
                                  r
                           ­          s
Yellow air lingers
on
my tongue.

I           t                   l
               w          r
                       i
'til
I am

             unstrung.

Lunge! Forward and fast,
Make this
f
   a
d
   i
n
   g
moment     l     a     s    t.

Past the horizon,

the
sun

s
i
n
k
s

low to edge of the ground.
   
    I found
my meaning
in       the      gleaming
              l i  g h t
that beats so   b r i g h t.

I use all of my height to jump and grasp

the last pink wisp
    that kiss(es) my lips.

"'Til tomorrow",

I whisper to the now
dark sky.

I'll keep my head held
up
     high,

             for this this just a temporary

"goodbye".

I'm sick of trying to deflect every line of my predetermined fate
I've gotta close my eyes, say my goodbyes
Fall to the ground and let my bones break.

Well, hell my skull has cracked.
The brains I once contained are a mess and they seem to be less
than what I had expected.
I suppose when I let go I didn't know
that my thoughts would be completely exposed and be utterly known.

My soul is on the line
because my body is bare and naked
showing the monster inside that I have created.
Something I have worked hard to keep so secret
is exposed to the sun and it
darkens the air with the breath that I left
to be swallowed up by my sigh.
Well it's no longer time to lie.
I've gotta come clean, wipe away all that is unseen.
I have fought valiantly but I have lost and now I'm paying a terrible cost.

I'm a fool for staying hidden
when all it wanted was an intermission with a decision.
To rip out my heart and feed it to the dark.
Instead I ignored it.
And now it's eating away all the love that I once felt, all the compliments I have dealt.
Well, help me save them from this monster I have created.
But how can I **** it? When the villain is me.

My eyes are opened with a snap when I hear the footsteps coming back.
Am I really the only one to blame?
Could I have saved all those lives; women and children?

But oh their blood is stained and etched into my skin.
Imprinted, forever, glued like a tattoo.
This monster I have become is breaking through.

How can I destroy the evil that sits so deep inside
when my mind controls both thoughts, pure and putrid?
My mind is failing,
My body falling,
My mind stalling.

I know the truth.
I know what I must do in order to save those I love.
I must **** what I am becoming.

I'm afraid there is only one way.
We both know that I can no longer stay
I must take my final bow
and bite the bullet,
swallow the pills,
snap my neck,
slice my throat,
stab my heart,
and say goodbye
because it's my time.

My body is my own worst enemy
Trapped.
inside - and stuck
Inside - with no escape
from the claws of this illness that
take hold of me

Rage - it pours from me
still, even though I have
no energy
left

I am left with scraps of
who I once was
- - and now?
What am I but a shadow of a previous
copy version of me  

I yearn and I grieve and I plead
but I am led yet again and again
to an endless tunnel of dread
that fills me to the brim
with nothing left but
the face of the victim
staring back at me in the mirror

I fear so much and so often -
this weakness has a grip so fierce on me
this sickness that has stolen so much from me
this demon has ****** and fed
on every bit of strength I have bled
of every bit of happiness I have shed
and left me with -
nothing

Nothing but empty vacancy
That is how it feels to be stuck
inside
a body that can no longer feel
normalcy

My body is my own worst enemy
Trapped.
inside - and stuck
inside - with no escape
So here I stay
Stuck and inside - and
Trapped
with no escape

What is the point of trying
when we are bound to fail?
Why do we have that terrible
jolt of hope
when we know our chances
are next to none?
I think it's because
human beings enjoy
pain. Loss. Failure.
We enjoy the thrill of it.
The sting and the burn.
Why?
Because of the pity that we attain.
All we really crave is attention.
Not love or understanding
but for our lives to be the
saddest, the most miserable
of them all so we can achieve
pity.
Is it worth it?
Is it worth going through all
that terrible and gut wrenching
pain that stings in our eyes
and our hearts
just to accept a warm smile
a baked casserole,
or a simple hug?
Are we really
so delusional that we
think this so called
"love" will fill that
empty, dark and deep
void that we carry so
far down inside?
Yes.
We really are.

Realign your stars with me--
Reorder your universe, centering
us in the middle.

Fooled by my own exaggeration
of how much I meant to you,
My speciality.

Agony is my new constant
Haunted by your disappearance
Hear it's departure, as your feet
beat onto the concrete as you
walk away from me.

He, never was mine, no
No, but I certainly tried
until I fried my eyes from their
sockets, and gave myself a
pocket of self-hate

Wait no longer, stay no more
bored was he by my existence
un-stimulated
un-lovable?
I am completely troubled.

Humbled constantly by rejection
Heck should I stop the effort?
Step forward or step back?
Cracked at the center of my sternum
Hurt from
all the break ups and
constant, harsh, wake-up calls
I've received

Give me peace, give me a reprieve
from the constant apathetic weave
that always seems to curve around my being
Beat me, with something other than
indifference

My preference is to suffer from verbal
rejection, so don't make me beg on
my hands and on my knees
just put me out of my misery,
please.

Give me a "no" or even a blunt
"GO"
Own up to your own cowardice
behavior, save your five year old
self from beating up your
twenty-seven year old ghost.

Mostly-
I hosted you in my heart,
I created ART for you, held myself
towards you...
I thought it was clear
Objects in mirror may be
closer than they appear.

Contents fragile, handle with care
instead, you threw them at the wall
Appalled at your complete HATE
I can't wait any longer for you to grow

No, I know I am low in my life, currently,
but watch and see me rise
by and I will surpass you in all regards.
It'll be hard.

It may take every ounce of me
to be better than me
but I know I can, without you
I will be more than me
Without you.

Without your apathy