I saw you once as I picked out a novel
It was a quiet bookstore and you sat on the floor
Your hair was pale blond like the sun on the snow
Ripped jeans, a shade of blue to match your eyes
You were beautiful, you know. I still think of you now.
What ifs swirling in my mind like an endless storm

I am shallow.
I know I am.
I hate it about me
And I'm never good enough.

It's hard to fulfill
Ideals that belong to the past.
It's time to move on
It's time to do whatever you like.

But the chains won't loosen up.
And there's still a long road before us.
Will you be brave and go forward?
I don't think I can do it.

Neither do you.
Nobody believes in me.
Nor do they know what fuels me.
I keep getting up from the rough road.

Why do I do that?
Why don't I just let go?
I'm not strong enough to **** myself.
I'm not strong enough at all.

I'm a coward.
I can't take it.
My body shakes
My hands are trembling.

There's no way out.
Depression is darkness
That swallows me whole.
It drags me to its depths.

*It corrupts my soul

Everything falls,
                    everything dies.
Nothing last forever,
                nothing says we can't.
Something can prosper,
                   someone can believe.
Believe in power,
             believe in yourself!

So...

You are you,
                       and
                              everything you are

can be done by nothing with
something called believe.

Cheers to Life

Cheers to the people I met, and to the people who stayed, and to the people who left, and to the people who will leave.

Cheers to those who caused my life heartaches, and cheers to those who stood beside me in those heartaches.

Cheers to those who made me laugh, and to those who made me mad.

Cheers to the difficulties of life that has made me stronger than who I was yesterday.

Cheers to those memories that end in bliss, and cheers to those memories that leave a bitter taste.

But cheers--- Cheers anyway!

Cheers to the girl that is deeply embedded in my heart. (I'll never forget. I seriously never will.)
Cheers to the brother I never had. (You are awesome, and a brother will always be a brother.)
Cheers to the friends who help you keep warm in the cold days, and nights. (Much cheers. Much Cheers to you!)
Cheers to the choices, and mistakes that will be made. (May it cause me to become stronger than who I am today.)

Cheers to life!
Cheers to new adventures!
Cheers to new heartaches!

And

Cheers to God----
For everything.

it is my everlasting dream to leave this vice i was born into in the most silent and unnoticeable of ways.

That I'm cute
Beautiful
Pretty

And I tell them that
It's okay that I'm not
Because I know I'm not
But I don't like being lied to

I know I'm not
Because I can't let tears
Drip down my cheeks
As they shimmer in the dim light
Of the movie credits

I sob until
My face is red and damp and puffy
And I'm clinging to your sleeve
And just crying so uncontrollably
That people sitting next to us
In the dark theater
Might glimpse over to see if maybe
I have a reason to cry so hard.

Does shehave cancer?
Is she missing a leg?
Did her crack-addict mother die when she was an infant?
Why is this bratty straight white blonde girl crying while watching Selma/Dallas Buyer's Club/The Help?

I have to brush my hair
Instantly
When I get out of the pool
In the summer
(Hopping from foot to foot of course
Because the sun has baked the concrete)
Because if I don't
It becomes a half-curly knotted mess.

And if I don't braid it directly after that
Then it dries
In resemblance to a Yield Sign
In a somewhat triangular form

And I'm chubby.
Not fat. It would be better if I were fat.
If I were fat then things would be
Proportionalish
But instead I'm just
A 5'2 and 3/4" girl
With DDs that no one wants
Because "***** don't count when you're chubby"
And baby fat that lounges on my stomach
No matter how many kilometers I row.

My fingers are too small for my hands.
My glasses make my eyes look huge.
My lips are forever chapped.
My cheeks are overly red.
My eyes are too dark to be pretty
And I know it.
I know all of it.

I've lived in my body for longer than you have.
So don't lie to me.
Don't tell me that I'm cute
Beautiful
Or god forbid pretty
Because I really
Really
Hate being lied to.