your hands are made of rain.

they are made of
ice
and
clouds
and
sunshine.

your spine is
the bend of a
meandering river.

i can trace the mountains
of your shoulders.

your hair,
the leaves on the trees.

your soul
lies in the dirt beneath my feet
and in the blueness of the sky.

but your eyes
are coal
supplying the
brightest
fire.

they could burn the whole place down.

they wouldn't even have to try.

you could burn it all down.

you want to burn it all down.

don't burn it down.

there's so much of you left to explore,
so much magic
that even you haven't seen.

don't burn it down.

i can see the magic
in the river stones
of your smile.

don't burn it down.
we have enough lies
and travesties of promises.

be the one beauty left
in this vile world.

i don't like watching you
exaggerate my condition.

sorry,
i should say,
our
condition.

you call it a disease
and that is not a lie.

you call it an illness
and that is also true.

but where you cross the line
is when you call it
a
"disability."

legally we are broken.

it is a tragedy
that our lives have a monetary value
and we pay it every time
we walk to the pharmacy counter.

but do not call yourself
disabled
with the tone
implying "disabled"
equals
"weak"
or
"helpless"

not when you
haven't even seen a quarter
of what others have seen.

not when you
haven't learned how
to grow up.

you are not special.
i am not special.
we are not special.

keeping our physical bodies alive
is one thing.

your perception of "strength"
is our perception of "insecure"

i don't understand why diabetes
needs to be a personality trait.

our lives are different

we're broken
we're "sick"

but we could deal with it
with grace

why can't you deal with it
with grace?

awareness is important
but if it only benefits you,
is it awareness
for anyone
else?

i'm worried my rights
will be questioned
by your actions.

our lives are already for profit,
the government calls us
whatever they like

i'm not asking you to hide

i'm asking you to stop
pretending

you are perfectly capable.
i keep telling you
to get help

you don't listen.

don't exaggerate
my friends' lives

don't imply our weakness

we might be sick
but we have control

don't take the power away
from the rest
of us

his suit was made of
wax flower petals.

he was the rain,
his blood rushing
to fill the lake of ice
beneath his feet,
making him delirious.

he was made of magic-

scratch that-

he has been made of magic

of ancient chants,
of hidden forests,
of improvised songs
balanced on the tip of his finger

but he cannot control
his sore muscles,
or the funny thing
his hands do when he's nervous.

he wishes he could be back
in his treehouse
like when he was a kid

but the ocean spray beckons him
away
from the magic
he used to call home.

it's been a year

in other words,
i'm cold

in other words,
it's really quiet in this room

in other words,
nobody smiles at me anymore

in other words,
i've forgotten how sweet life can taste

in other words,
i'm lonely

in other words,
i'm scared of commitment and of communication but i haven't tried in such a long time that it might be worth it to try again

in other words,
i've reached out

in other words,
nobody has reached back

in other words,
all i see are
empty smiles,
polite gestures,
and shattered souls

i can see everyone else.
i can tell you which ones
are terrified,
which ones are broken,
and which ones are lost.

there are so few of them
that i can see it.

how are they genuinely okay
as their average sense of being?

am i the only one
that puts up this facade?

am i invisible?

can you see me?

it's been a year
since i've been kissed
or looked at
like i matter.

all i see is the emptiness,
but that may be my cloud diluting
the innocence of the many
and soaking up
the blood of the slaughtered-

can you see me?

i feel like i'm invisible.

i have to **** into conversations
because nobody would include me anyway,

i am a lost cause.

don't make me save you,
i ripped apart the last one.

don't make me feel you,
because i will just be torn away.

don't make me breathe you,
i will suffocate against your weight.

i'm an ice cube up against
a blowtorch,
but i'm not quite sure if
the blowtorch means it.

i'm wet sand
in a mold.
shape me however you like,
smooth me down to fit your ideals
but i will crumble,
and when that wave comes to find me
i will melt in its palms
and get sprinkled back onto
the bottom of the ocean
waiting to be found again.

call me a name
and i will become that name,
the letters will flow out of your lips,
falling like a river,
cool and untouched.

i will let myself drown.

it's been a year.
don't touch me
unless you mean it.

i have a hard time remembering
much of our time together.

we were so young,
so foolish.

i only remember the feelings.

i was a hot night,
right before nightfall when the fireflies
did flips in the trees and between blades of grass.
i was the bubbling tar of the street
beneath my skateboard,
the air suffocating everything
but my ability to see what was in front of me,
i was the Fourth of July.
i was the last sparkler in a box,
just waiting to be used,
left behind and forgotten.

but you-
oh, you were the sun
setting behind the trees.
you were the one
that made the fireflies decide to play,
the one
that convinced everyone you were on top,
the one
that could make the Earth explode,
if you really wanted to.
you were an honor,
not a right.
you were
my match to
make me sparkle
my introduction,
my sunrise.

i had to beg the sun to rise
every morning.
i shouldn't have had to do that.
the sun is supposed to rise,
but my sun would not.

i cannot even remember that year.
i remember having fun,
i remember smiling,
but i also remember the tears
and the depression
and the pain
and the scars
that may never heal.

i remember how you looked at me
then down,
then back up,
with this disappointment i had never seen,
and i knew i had blown it.
you couldn't handle me,
i couldn't handle you.

you told me you'd never love me
"like that"
and you were right.

now i see you daily.

i haven't made eye contact with you in almost four years.

there's not much i remember,
but i remember the pain,
and
i
remember
the
tears.

the sun hasn't shone for me
in such a long time,
but you were never the only sun,
and you were never the last.

you were just the one
that never rose
to the challenge.

why do you look at me
like that?

like i am something
you are about to consume?

i can see you,
you winked at me,
didn't you?

i'm scared of touch,
i curl away with fear
at the slightest brush
of the skin.

please don't make me explain
to you
how scared i am
to go near your house.

it's not you,
it's my fear of what come next,
it's my fear of letting you down.

i'm scared to let people down.

i don't want
you
to
be
disappointed
in
me.

i don't exist for your approval,
yet i am empty.

i'm so lonely,
i have been for ages,
but i'm tired of confusing my
loneliness
for dark nights,
empty promises,
hollow "yes"s
and cold fingers.

do
not
touch
me
do
not
kiss
me
do
not
hold
me

i
am
too
fragile
for
you

i
will
break