it's been a year

in other words,
i'm cold

in other words,
it's really quiet in this room

in other words,
nobody smiles at me anymore

in other words,
i've forgotten how sweet life can taste

in other words,
i'm lonely

in other words,
i'm scared of commitment and of communication but i haven't tried in such a long time that it might be worth it to try again

in other words,
i've reached out

in other words,
nobody has reached back

in other words,
all i see are
empty smiles,
polite gestures,
and shattered souls

i can see everyone else.
i can tell you which ones
are terrified,
which ones are broken,
and which ones are lost.

there are so few of them
that i can see it.

how are they genuinely okay
as their average sense of being?

am i the only one
that puts up this facade?

am i invisible?

can you see me?

it's been a year
since i've been kissed
or looked at
like i matter.

all i see is the emptiness,
but that may be my cloud diluting
the innocence of the many
and soaking up
the blood of the slaughtered-

can you see me?

i feel like i'm invisible.

i have to **** into conversations
because nobody would include me anyway,

i am a lost cause.

don't make me save you,
i ripped apart the last one.

don't make me feel you,
because i will just be torn away.

don't make me breathe you,
i will suffocate against your weight.

i'm an ice cube up against
a blowtorch,
but i'm not quite sure if
the blowtorch means it.

i'm wet sand
in a mold.
shape me however you like,
smooth me down to fit your ideals
but i will crumble,
and when that wave comes to find me
i will melt in its palms
and get sprinkled back onto
the bottom of the ocean
waiting to be found again.

call me a name
and i will become that name,
the letters will flow out of your lips,
falling like a river,
cool and untouched.

i will let myself drown.

it's been a year.
don't touch me
unless you mean it.