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I'm anxious when I hold the shoe,
I'm horror struck when it drops.
I wait and sit and pay my dues,
But I never get what I want.
Is this part of who I am,
Do you make me what I'm not?
I long to change in dancing flames,
Instead we twist to knot.
Something isn't right,
Is it me?
Something echoes in the night.
What ever you say.
I have someone to be.
So awake I stay,
And you, unchanged.
quiet high summer nights
waving off mosquito bites
and lips so dry
the tap tastes like nectar
a glass shared is sweeter, better.
soda like opal in the moonlight
should we order in tonight?
leave the window open. though it's raining
this is our little love remaining
I’m rocking back and forth against the hull of my loneliness,
Stuck in knowing it’s goodbye
But not being able to say I love you
or I’m sorry.
I’m crying with joy and longing as I lie in the love and conversation around me,
Wishing it were mine.
I’ve been high so long my heart rate stopped going down with the sun.
Going over it all all over again all the time.
I feel like a child again, terrified by the the dark, the wind, the eyes of men.
I’m breaking down in the line at the gas station.
Looking out the glass wall at a Lovecraftian highway,
Flickering florescent lights like the ones from The Exorcist.
On my way to a cavernous husk of a family dinner,
Most of them gone now.
Just me, my mother, and my widowed, bereaved, great aunt.
There’s a stupid old cardboard cutout of a mascot next to me grinning too widely, holding up its product.
I scream and tear it’s head off it’s body
In my mind.
I have work on Monday.
This is life.
I watch the world and it leaves static on my eyes.
I start to panic when the future’s realised.
I really wish that I could read your mind.
I’m like a child.
We are too small and powerless to make any promises.
We are blinded by diamonds and heavenly goddesses.
Id rather imagine I’m in an endless kiss,
Than let my eyes adjust,
to how dark it is.
It’s cold outside.
Its cold inside.
Let me lie in your bed so I can briefly rest my mind,
And tell me a story not true but kind,
Though I’d rather know your every lie,
Give me a dream to hide inside.
I smoked a cigarette
I wanted to a break from procrastination
so I walked and tried to coax out my concentration
but alas, to my frustration,
all I got were words that rhymed with 'elation'
but I missed the thing itself.
After hunting in my room
I walked down to the store
to see if my old pack of cigs was there
I could've sworn I just had them
and what do you know?
They were being held hostage behind the counter
but at least were being well-fed
noticeably bigger than when they wondered off
I liberated them with cash
and told the homeless guy outside I had nothing to give him
I smoke one on the way home
And tucked the stub into the cuff of my jeans
and I felt dizzy and a little sick
and my concentration remained shy.
My brain fog now noxious smoke
I tucked the stub into the cuff of my jeans
I hate to litter and I think I'm smart
While I smoked I imagined a million conversations
I won't have
I million bad decisions
I might yet make
And I saw
A million people
I'll never kiss
And I had ash on my pants and on my fingers
Favorite things:

Forerro Rochers
Nice things people have said about me
Good long stories
River rocks
Tall trees
Deep dreams
Cos when I bite my nails with no light to see,
I wake up in the morning to them screaming at me,
Broken, torn, and fraying at the seams.
And I think
****, why do I do this to me?
Deceivingly simple, we sit down
On our ****** plastic step stools
After school in the kitchen.
You ask me how my day was. I say
Fine thanks, learned about quadratics.
I ask you where you went cycling. You say
Oh, you know, the usual. Round out
That way, and back. The usual.
We sit in silence for amount as I cut a slice of apple and hold it out to you across the room.
You take it, and we sit on our ****** plastic step stools
In the kitchen after school,
Sharing silence and an apple.
And I almost love the crisp, cool crunch
As much as I love you.
I love a good crisp apple ngl
I want impossible things.
I just want to make you believe.
But I’m hardly even here.
And day will always break.
And pay checks don’t make themselves.
And I hate how much I love people
That humble my tiny fears.
I’ve rattled the gates at the top of your driveway in the cold of night,
Waiting for you to open,
Too many times.
I say I get taller by breaking down,
But quietly I wish we both believed in the same religion.
So we could stop arguing about it.
So you could think I was a genius.
So you could bask in it all like I did.
But I digress,
I learn to say.
I’ll learn to pray
Another way.
We don’t need to make vows,
To be held and to hold.
To be young and be old.
My gut tells me fate’s star crossed.
My heart tells me to die on the cross.
My head is ready,
For the eventual loss.
I am born in the blood,
Of a sacrificed youth.
Wouldn’t this all be easier,
If we could just tell the truth?
But that heavenly hum,
Against my ear,
With my head on your chest,
I couldn’t care.
Suspended like crossed stars in the sky.
For a moment be here.
For the night be mine.
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