it's just a bitter pill to swallow
one that should fix my mind
one that should make me happy
one that should make me kind

it's just 150 MLs of drugs
to put you to sleep
we've prescribed these pills
so that none of your problems leak

it's just a pill case that's bursting at the seams
no problem, no sweat
these pills are supposed to make me see nothing but smiley faces
but i still feel nothing but dread

if the prescription doesn't work
should we up the dose
or should we stop
because my mental health is a budding rose
making me want to drop

the pills have stopped working
well, i guess they never did
but i don't want to concern the doctors
so it's always something i've hid

pretend i'm doing okay
say that i feel fine
they write it down in their little note pad
i hope they don't know that i'm lying
i hope they don't know that i'm crying
i hope they don't know that i'm dying
every second i'm alive

if they could read my thoughts
would they send me to the hospital for the second time?
because if they do
i'll stay silent...
like a mime

no words
just like last time
running out of rhymes
so i guess i won't speak
poetry is how i talk

midnight again,
i can't seem to sleep
the voices are getting louder
i am cutting more deep

i lay down
while the voices tell me to die
i'm so ******* useless
all i can do is cry

"why would you eat that?
the bullies will just come back again.
you ate one meal throughout the whole day
and now this is the world's end.".

i just want to be normal

Spiders crawl up my back
                                               And they bite
Just when I thought my problems
                                             Were out of sight
I sit in an empty room
                                       With no light

And I must ask...
How endless...
Is the night?

i hold my skin down
and scrape deep
i muffle my screams
into the pillow on which i sleep

the blood beads up
in an orderly line
then starts to drip
this will be the last time...

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It pumps and pumps
But the moment I see you
It stops

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It fights my brain-
Logic vs emotion-
But it almost always wins

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It's gotten stabbed so many times
That now
It barely even stings

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It leaps to my throat
Sinks to my stomach-
It seems to be more active than me..

My heart
Is a silly little thing.
It somehow has a mind of its own.
It's a child, my brain is grown-
So now I have no idea what to think

My heart,
It a very silly thing, isnt it?

My problems

1. I have ADHD
2. I have anxiety
3. I have depression
4. I have an eating disorder
5. I keep feeling like nothing is real
6. I pass out easily
7. I have trauma
8. I can't completely remember that trauma
9. I still get flashbacks somehow
10. I **** at drawing
11. I **** at writing poetry
12. People are getting bored of me
13. I get bullied every day
14. I'm trans
15. I'm queer
16. There is all this **** wrong with me
But for some reason
You want to be friends
But I know
In little time
Youll get bored of me
Just like everyone else

I'm not going
To hide my story
Anymore
My name
Is none of your business
My age
Is also none of your business
But here goes

I have been bullied
Since kindergarten
But last year
It was awful
It started normal
Just light things
About my clothes
Hair
Or **** like that
But then
It got worse

First
I told my friend
That I got diagnosed with ADHD
and I have no idea how
But it spread around
And they used that against me
The called me a r*****
They made fun of me

Second
I got diagnosed
With depression and anxiety
And same thing happened
It spread around
They mocked me
I would get panic attacks
I couldn't breathe
And they would mimic me
Surrounding me

Third
They made fun of my weight
They called me skinny
Picked me up
Without consent
And called me tiny
So i started eating more
I overate in order to gain weight
Hoping they would leave me alone
But they didnt
They noticed
And called me fat
And that's where things started going down quicker

I starved myself
I would go days without eating
I sometimes still do
I made myself throw up
I sometimes still do
And guess what
They noticed.
They made fun of me

Fourth
My addictions got worse
I started cutting myself
Every day
And guess what!!
They ******* noticed!
They made fun of me
Probably not even knowing
What they were
Then
I became more suicidal
Than before
I attempted
Multiple times

Fifth
My parents found out
I got sent to the hospital
Got sent to a therapist
And I realized
If I hadnt lied to the doctors
I would have been sent to a mental hospital

Sixth
My parents obsessed over my eating disorder
They forced me to eat
When i couldnt
Because now
I am too afraid to eat
Because I'm scared
That the bullies will come back again
Whenever im near food
I hear their voices
Taunting me
Laughing at me

And throughout this whole experience
(In nothing but a year and a half, i might add)
I had a toxic friends
Who hurt me
Never had anything kind to say
And now
I dont know why
But we are still "friends".

So
Thats my story
I know most people here probably dont care, but there you go
The cat is out of the bag

Quick breaths
Peppermint tears
And I said,
"Never again."
"Never again will I be the weakest link,
Never again will I fail,
Never again will the pressure
Hit my back like hail."
"Never again will I be weak
Never again will I be lost,
Never again will I feel this way,
No matter the cost."

I love the way you write
I love the way you comment on so many poems
I love the way you post so often
I love the way you bring happiness and poetry
I love the way you show others you care
I love everything I know about you
(Platonically of course)

we are all wearing black
this is the day before i die
hold in your tears now,
please don't cry

i ask for one last dance
and you say 'yes'
so we hold hands and twirl around,
you look so pretty in your black dress

we dance for hours
until i run out of time
when i fall to the floor
look up, the stars are out; after all, it is nighttime

the stars mean nothing
when you aren't here.

i still remember
             our playground
where we played together, at
              our playground
the place we loved,
               our playground
where we could be friends,
                our playground
without anybody watching,
                our playground
man... i sure do miss
               our playground
being friends

"she said she was too busy"
she hates you. you should just back off.
"he said he doesn't have that many friends"
he wants you to be a better friend, you aren't there for him.
"they are tired"
i shouldn't have texted them that late, they probably hate me now and want me to leave-
"stop.
this isn't real
my brain is making **** up."
but what if i'm not...?
"oh..."

Folding paper cranes for you
Because I heard
That whoever folds the 1000th
Gets a wish
And I want you
To get whatever you need
Because you deserve it

Folding paper cranes
Because I need something to do with my hands
While my head runs away
Thinking thoughts that i'll never understand

i just want things to go back to normal

patty cake
patty cake
baker's man
in the broken mirror
i slap my own hands
blood trickles down
from my skin
please
let me in
patty cake
patty cake
baker's man
please
be my friend
while you still can

a pen lost in my bag
that has run out of ink
become a useless little thing
think, Nobody1234 think!
what shall i use it for
not writing
or art
or laughing because
i'm trying to hide a ****

Definition of psychopath; a person affected by chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.
Haha why does that kind of sound like you
No empathy
Just ignorance

i once read this quote
and before i read it
i though nothing so short could make me cry
but there it is
"the night after i commit suicide,
i woke up.".
i don't know what it is about this quote
but every time i read it
i break down crying

i can't tell if it is hurting me
or comforting

red
for anger, injustice and rage
because that's how you act around me
orange
for arrogance
because i think that's one of your problems you need to work on
yellow
for caution
because that definitely needs to be practiced around you...
green
for evil, greed and hate
because those are some of your only personality traits
blue
for sad
because that's how you left me
purple
for healing
because i will need a while away from you to do that...

Slice
Slice
Slice
I told myself i wasnt addicted
Cut
Cut
Cut
I was doing so well
Scrape
Scrape
Scrape
Got in a fight with my friend
Bleed
Bleed
Bleed
Why do I do this to myself...

Blood bleeds through my jeans
Red blotches, displaying my shame
My pain
Yet they still believe me when i say im ok

DISCLAIMER: in this poem, i do not intend to harm or offend any religious folks!

i was raised atheist
so i never believed in god
once
when i was in kindergarten
a kid asked me
do you believe in god?
he asked everyone.
i said no
i was the only one
and he hurt me
he punched me
pinched me
kicked me
and called me a sinner

i keep getting hate
for how i was raised
in the 5th grade
i tried to start believing
but i couldn't
i respect others views
but i don't share them
and i don't think i ever will
i know a little about discrimination,
as a trans
queer
mentally ill
annoying kid
but i think others know more

religion is a silly little thing
for some people
it's their whole personality
because they love it
and for others
it is a weight on their chest and leaves them with trauma

i respect your beliefs as long as you don't force them onto me

running a mile
running out of ideas for poetry
running my mouth
running out of time
running out of excuses
running out of hope
running out of sanity
well. i got the writers block
yet again

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

why do i feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i always feel

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

you never like me when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

hope is lost when i'm

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

i don't want to be

sad
sad
sad
sad
sad

anymore

School
Is a paradise
Where im away from my family
School
Is a prison
Where they teach us useless info
School
Is an escape
Where we can be alone
School
Is a show and tell
Where you are displayed for everyone to see
School
Is a place of mixed emotions
Where there is chaos
Peace
Hate
Love
Bullying
Friendship

.. I dont know how i feel about school

School musical
Pretending to be someone im not
School musical
Its all an act
School musical
She's not someone to trust
School musical
She broke the pact

School musical
I sing for entertainment
School musical
Everyone keep your eyes on me
School musical
Ill dance and speak
School musical
There's too much to see

it keeps happening
i have no idea why
i look up at the clock
time is ticking by

i have been clean for 23 seconds.
****
that's... that's not a lot.
that's like a whole *** body slam.

i look in the mirror
and try to find a way to hide
the scars and fresh cuts
to keep them out of sight

i don't want them to see
i know they'll just judge me
just like everyone else
leave me alone, please

i don't want to be like this anymore

She's tired of a man saying her idea and getting praise when she got ignored
She's tired of being underestimated
She's tired of toxic masculinity from the people she used to trust
She's tired of loving and getting nothing back
She's tired of people using her
She's tired of giving thousands of second chances, without getting any change
She's tired of being mistreated
She's tired of being tired
She's tired
She's tired
She's tired
But she doesnt deserve to be

She told you you are ugly?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She talked about you behind your back?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She is being dramatic?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She told you you are worthless?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
She didnt say goodnight?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
Nobody likes you?
Sigh and roll your eyes.
Anything happens?
Sigh.
And.
Roll.
Your.
Eyes.

the funny thing about screaming
is that you can do it silently
you can cry for help
just by making eye contact in a certain way
not everybody will notice
but the people
screaming
crying
and clawing at the asylum walls
just like you
will understand
and feel
your pain
i know i do.

Skipping school
Avoid the reminders
Say i feel sick
Say i feel tired
Friends worried
Keep missing
Skipping
Avoiding
Ignoring school.
Avoid these people
At all costs
A list of a sidewalk
To skip down on
When I want to feel pain
Because thats all you brought to me
Skipping school...
Avoid the reminders...
Say i feel sick...
Say i feel tired...

i want to sleep
because it's the closest i can be
to being dead
without leaving
all of my friends
alone.
but i can't sleep
scary thoughts
keeping me awake
telling me
i'm being watched.
morning
*****.
eye bags
the size of oranges
fingers
sore and slow at typing
eyelids
heavy
like boulders
legs
weak
and useless
but here i am
at school
needing sleep
and dreading the next day
knowing full well
it will be the same as today.

i have to be smaller
i am too big
these people
their words keep repeating in my head
hahaha, she's so light!
ugh, why are you eating so much?
do you know how lucky you are to be light?
i
have
to
be
smaller

Sometimes I wish I could have chosen to be someone else
To be someone that people understand
To be someone that people like

But I now know that The people who don't understand me
The people that don't like me
Don't deserve my love.
They don't deserve my attention.

By the time I acknowledge this and leave, they come crawling back.
Funny that they didn't need me before.

People who take your love and don't give any back, they simply don't deserve it.
They are not worth your time.
They don't deserve you.
Remember that.

sometimes i wonder
if you even cared about me
i wonder if you there's anything about me you know
i wonder if you can see

sometimes i wonder
what goes on in your brain
maybe "i'll use him for a joke"
or maybe "i'll make him go through pain".

sometimes i wonder
if inside me, there's something wrong
if inside everyone who knows me
there's something about hate... a song

a song
a melody
saying something's wrong
something's wrong with me
i can't see
you treated me like ****
but i wanted to be your friend?

why
why did i want to be your friend
you were awful to me
was it my fault?

Hi, sorry this isn't exactly a poem. I'm sorry that I've been dumping all of my ****** poetry and emotions on you, but poetry is my outlet for emotions. With trump winning the elections, I've been left stressed, sad and downright scared. Sorry.

i am
f a l l i n g
through
s p a c e
i don't
t r u s t
you enough to
t e l l  y o u
any of my
p r o b l e m s
well,
s o r r y
i hope you understand

stop it
i want you to stop
you are treating me like ****
you need to stop
stop it
stop it
stop it

so many times i said that to you.
but every. single. *******. time.
you ignored.

STOP IT.

"sei molto strano."
beh, grazie
Lo prendo come un complimento
io sono strano.

english:

"you are very strange."
well, thank you.
i take that as a compliment.
i am strange.

Last years thanksgiving
Was very different than this one
Heres how it went last year

I ate
Without a second thought
I ate so much food
I talked with
my grandparents
No arguements to be had
And then
I went to bed
After 5 minutes
of shutting my eyes

Here's how It went this year

I ate
Two pieces of pasta
I got as drunk as one could
Off of carbonated apple juice
I flipped my grandparents off
After calling me miss
She
Her
deadname
And a transphobic slur
We got into an arguement
Mostly about trump
And then I went downstairs
To draw vent art
Text my friends
And write poetry
All while drowning in a panic attack
And feeling like nothing is real

Isn't it strange
how fast things can change
In just a year?

I miss the good old days
Where we would go to the mall
Read books
Write poetry
And laugh

I miss the good old days
Where we would sleep over at each others houses
Talking about boys
And girls
And music

I miss the good old days
Where we would fight
But the next day
We would hug and make up

I miss the good old days
Where we would watch sad movies
And cry our hearts out
While hugging each other

I miss the good old days
Where we could call each other
Best friends
But i guess
Friends grow apart
I wish we didnt
Because I miss the good old days
And I hope you do too...

i don't understand
i just don't understand
why every single time
i cover it with a sleeve or cargo pants
and tell myself
"that was the last time, i'm going to stop doing this."
but its happened so many times
i know it's a lie

The showers after
Always hit different
The skin and cuts sting
Lose my soul
While blood falls down the drain
The next 15 minutes always hit different...
Red liquid flowing and gushing out of my cuts
Cuts

        Cut

                  Cu
                        
                                C

It almost stings
As much as your words
Soap
Wash my mouth with soap
Said too much
Told you too much
Said everything wrong
I can't do anything right
Rub salt to my wounds
Please