I had to vacuum up your spot today
And clean up the mess you made
But I didnt care because I loved you
And now I'll never get to see you
I should have petted you one last time
I wish this morning I had said goodbye
I wasnt ready for this much heartbreak
Who knows how long this healing will take

You said I was your answered prayers
You said I was the best girl in the world
You said I was the best thing you could have asked for
Well, now it's my turn.

You are the light in my world.
You make all the bad days the best days ever.
You were the answer to every question I thought of.
You are the peace when I can not sleep.
You are the one thing that can make me smile when I hurt.
You make every day worth living.
You are why I look back at my past and think it was all worth it.
Nothing in this world is like you.

Started off last year
Depressed and suicidal
Wish I knew all the things then
That only now I know
I hated myself
And pushed everyone I loved away
Nearly killed myself March 26th
Praying I could survive until May

Finally it came
Graduated 8th grade
That school year felt like living Hell
Lost my best friend and my life I almost paid
Moved across the country
Leaving everyone behind
Decided I could start new
Looking at what I could find

I went to a summer camp
And I renewed my relationship with the Lord
Came back a changed girl
Love instead of hate as my sword
I started high school
New friends came plus stayed with an old one
I met my dream guy
And we somehow fell in love

I'm starting this year brand new
And I know, you can do it too

I’m stuck
I’m trapped
Someone come save me
They won’t let me out
I wish they would erase me
I’m so unhappy
Unhealthy
I’m stuck
I’m so alone
Someone please keep me company

I must have been floating in heaven..

For  I just heard the voice of an angel..

Got transported to another dimension...

A dimension where sweetness is felt when it rains..

The sun is the spark of your eyes..

And the stars  are replaced by your smile...

I just talked to you...

Have a great afternoon my love..

I miss you..

today,
i wore it again
and people complimented me
they say red is my color
and it suits me.

today,
it's too thick and dark
did i overapply
no, it's the right amount
just enough
to make them think
i'm fine.

today,
i look at myself
in the mirror,
and they're right
red shines on me,
so i applied
another layer,
and another
until my lips felt too thick,
but my eyes still see
the scars beneath it.

These words are for me,
For I'm the one who's hurting,
I'm just healing myself.

i can't help but wonder,
how many times i've been here before.
saying the same words,
while sitting on the same bed

each time was supposed to be the last

i can't help but wonder,
why you do the things you do.
sometimes you tell me to go,
other times i'm supposed to stay

and i can't help but wonder,
what's in it for you?

we don't kiss
anymore
and i don't feel love
anymore

you keep me close
but never close enough
and
you speak words
without saying much of anything at all

so, i can't help but wonder,
when will i sit on this bed for the last time?
and when will i believe these words that i say?

Come and love me
I am out here on the periphery
writing poems
to the earth and sea

a ghost of a voice
barely audible
except on the breeze
if you listen carefully
you will hear it whispering
as sun touches sea
as rain starts to fall
as seasons change
as you lose your way

I am here
out on the periphery
listen carefully
I will not let you fall

driven by some unseen hand
the pen travels across 80 gsm
sometimes I manage to write things
even I don't understand.

Anxiety knows the world is burning
   Even if we can't see the flames

Anxiety knows predators are out there
   Even if we don’t know their names

Anxiety knows bad luck happens
  Simply unfortunate events lay claim

Anxiety knows less about statistics
   And much about things that maim


NCL July 2019