A man drifts near in a cloak.
All black, ghastly looking.
Move closer to the man.

Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?

Reach up to his hood.
Pull down.
Nothing but a pitch black void resides where his head should be.

Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?

Reach into the void.
Swarms of fear, sadness, and anger engulfs the mind.
Screams, matched with whispers flood the ears.
The internal voice drowns, and dies in the midst of the noise.
Pull the hand out.
Cold, grey, silence strikes.
Unnerving silence in the absence of the chaos.
The void drifts away.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

First couple days back from the hospital
And already I am hostile
I see razors and want to bleed out
I see rope and want to hang

This is probably going to be a bad thing

I see socks that make good chokers when knotted together
I see paint that makes good poison when drunk
I've lost my innocence
I've found the ugly side of life

I used to see things as mere objects, not weapons

Staples, used to be just a utility for a stapler
Glass used to be something you sweeped away
Detergent used to be a laundry item
And knives used to be eating utensils

All I see now is suicide

I dream about slitting my wrist open
Watching the red spill from my arm
Smiling as I bleed to death
Sweet serenity

I've been writing notes

One to my friend
One to my brother
One to my teacher
And one to a ex-lover

I've become what I once thought improbable
I've become suicidal

Scared of the silence that presses
Clinging to you like my too tight fitting jeans
Suffocation isn't a possibility
It's a reality
Left gasping and grasping for air that will never come back
Trying to speak the truth
But the language has abandoned me
I'm not writing
I am thinking
Trying to think away the silence
I am drowning

Hear me scream
The walls listen with curious ears
One by one, my thoughts flow into the stream
For years that stream has killed me with fears

Overcrowded, the thoughts clash together, like waves
Roars, deafen the ears, as the thoughts seem to find speakers
They foresee the days where the only thing to do is to dig the graves
They become such harsh beaters

Creeping into my eyes, burning memories make themselves known
Tearing me apart, muscle by muscle, sense by sense
Raise a shaky hand to my face, touch bone
Feel the stream verge on hurricane, every muscle tense

One single tear falls from the hollow bone where eyes once resided
A flurry of thoughts, burning memories, rush to the surface
Scream out in terror as my body, and mind divided
Feelings ripple, and washes away my only purpose

I am worthless

What is this feeling in my chest
I really wish it didn’t exist
It’s heavy. It’s sinking. It’s so **** destructive.
I wish it didn’t exist
Breathing despair
Cursing myself as misery taps me on my shoulder
Did they just rip a piece of me off?
But they aren’t gone yet
So why is grief breathing down my neck

Tonight, Venus sits next to the moon
But tomorrow the moon will sit alone

I struggle to pick myself off the ground
I have melded with my worst fears
Reality crashes into me like a brick
But I never say ****
Hearing myself sob in my head
While I just silently nod
Rocking ever so slightly in my rolling chair of despair
I’d rather not be here
My body suddenly wishes to be somewhere
Anywhere that’s not here
In this city of light pollution
The stars have always calmed me
I always seek them out when I cannot breathe
But today as I fall into despair
I feel only the rhythm of empty music
And see the polluted Chicago air
I just want to see the stars
And to be anywhere that’s away from here

Iced hands
Drip, dripping with icicles
Light a fire
Dip, dipping them in gasoline
Stick a hand in, one at a time,
Into the fireplace
Smile
Scorched hands, are happy hands
Crackling in time with the flickering flames
The shadows cast, dance the tango around the room
Skin melting off the bone
Drip, dripping down my arms

Wrap the skeleton hands
Around the door handle
Pull hard
Open with a cracked rib

Lips cut and bleeding
Nose broken and in needing
See the truth
With an eye of death

Look towards the exposed
For guiding and teaching
Run a bony, bloodied, hand
Across the ribcage