Sometimes I have gay thoughts
So you could say I got a fruity brain
If I sat too long and got a pressure ulcer
I guess you’d call that ***** pain
I only hit 360 no-scope headshots
When I play that Call of Duty game
I think about food 14 hours a day
I guess it’s just a foodie thang

My own made rough
By years of discomfort within
Of skin that i wished to the sea
Instead of me wrapping
The passage of time
And evolution has proven
The bottleneck remains deep inside
Through simple confrontation.
Confidence lacking,
Revokes the foundation
Dismantling what was built,
And anxiety threads
Are plucked by fingertips
To tear away the rough
And replenish with red lubricant
Before the clot.

Will I become more confident
By tearing skin back
Ripping shreds to bone
Beyond tendon?
Lie to me
For this tumor
Is beyond any reason
For attempted understanding.

Today the breath of life suffocates me
And the poison I poured
Makes me ask
If it is too much.

I feel a shadow in my head
That wants more
A craving
For a taste

Poison used for medicine
To heal by forgetting
And living in present
Without the burden of feeling

What an awful sensation:
The sense of touch;
After holding of another
Is learned,

The body never forgets,
And the only thing
That gives the senses in my skin
Amnesia of touching

Is the poison I pour,
But it’s never enough.

Invisibility is a cliché wish,
But a night spent staring at the ceiling
Or the wall
With the feeling of existence
Washed to the minimum
By consumption,
Creates a similar feeling
Of invisibility to the senses.

I wish not for invisibility,
I wish to be your ghost
For exclusively your eyes
To witness me
As a shooting star
Scratches the sky
Leaving no trail
For those who missed it.
I hope I don’t miss
The trail of the gentle scratch
You leave in your last touch,
Letting this fleeting moment pass
Without recognition until lost.

If you spend forever in a single moment,
It’s not just a moment anymore,
For if you lose sight of me,
I'll erode away in the river
That you'll toss me in.
Emergence to accept defeat
That I let such a moment
Dissipate to become a lifetime
Of regret is the pressure point
In my mind regarding you.
Losing you now would be unforgivable,
Don’t let me go.

We were taken out back
Our blood painted the alleyways
History books called us the best of friends
So many beautiful love stories have been erased
So many of us died in hospital beds
While our immunity wasted away
And the government couldn’t care less
About the loss of a life if you were gay
And if you think that the fight ended in 2015
Then you’re deluding yourself, hate’s still alive today

But I won’t spend another day in the closet
So you can feel more comfortable
My existence isn’t a problem
Burning forever’s not the solution
I’m not sorry that pronouns
Are hard to wrap your brain around
I’m not lost or confused
I’m finally standing proud

I’m not sorry that there’s a month that’s not about you
I’m not sorry living my life the way I want to
Makes you feel so oppressed
Why are you so upset
Why are you so obsessed
With misgendering that man
Because he was born with *******
Why do you detest us

This has nothing to do with you
Just because my sexuality is different
Doesn’t mean yours has to change too
Just because I’m comfortable with he/they
Doesn’t make you going by he/him any less okay
What’s your ******* problem
Get off of my back
And stop pretending
When May is ending
That you’re under attack

I’m done repeating myself
It’s a strain on my mental health
To try to explain something
To someone
Who has no will to learn themself
This has nothing to do with you
So take a step aside
And let us enjoy being free
And encourage each other for future battles
I’m not asking
With or without your compliance
We will not hide
Because this is pride

The uncontrollable urge
To gaze upon the macabre
We're trapped here
Our consciousness cannot escape
But only cease
So some are drawn to the dying
A morbid curiosity
To catch a glimpse
Of what lies beyond
The prison walls of living

Temptation
Coming from somewhere so deep
And so dark
To wander just a little closer to the edge
To peek behind the curtain
To take a step closer to the edge of the void
To look for answers
On the edge of a razor blade
Or at the bottom of a bottle of pills
The thought is equally nauseating and exhilerating

I wish it were sad to see you go,
But the hatred I hold in my fists
And the swelling need
For this bottle to burst
In your face makes it hard
To not wish you left right away
Without putting in your 2-weeks.
2 more weeks to waste my time
Steal from the company
Make future relationships
For you to cheat on your husband

You always quit before people can fire you,
And I hope since your husband is the one
Who will hire you, you’ll show him no more
Respect than you show me,
And you’ll finally go **** your friend
That you always rant to me about.

I can’t stand it any more.

For all the effort that goes into them.
Dreams and games fail to replicate reality.
I've been able to let myself become immersed,
Totally enveloped in artificial worlds,
But a simple mistake can be a thread,
That undoes the entire tapestry.
I'm forced from the illusion,
Back into reality.
But lately some things don't make sense,
And real has never felt more fake.
I can't help myself from wondering,
Is there something else waiting if I pull this thread?

Thinking of the way the wind blows
It seems a bit lighter today.
Closing my eyes,
I lose moments of my existence;
A year left to live…
Is it a curse to have the task
Of writing daily?
Should I blame the sky
For all the wear
I’m undertaking,
Before an undertaker
Assesses my lifeless figure
And helps others remember
Who I was--
Resurrecting me with makeup
And sewing me back together?

Is it a curse to be alive,
Living only half of what was promised
As sleep takes the stars from my sight
And blinking steals moments
Out of every frame of my life?
It’s hard to be witness
To such an existence
I wonder what their punishment
Will be if I miss a day posting.
Should I resign?
Or will they just force me?
I’m afraid of what’s to come,
But blinking is stealing
Moments of my life away--
Moments, I surmise, that in bargaining,
I could regain.

What is this feeling?
I know this feeling.
It’s been a long time
Since I felt the stargaze
Tarnish before my eyes.

But I remember
Sleepless nights
And a shudder
When I saw you
For the first time.

You won’t have the same
Satisfaction
In my response;
I know what you are
And why you’re here.

You don’t have to convince me
That the shadow
You cast
Is my only friend;
I know it’s not and yet,

Here I stand.

Should I be afraid?
Will I come to fear
The places
My mind
You will take?

I’m too lost
To turn away,
You always seem to know
Just how long
This candle can burn

Before it fades.

I think I can pretend
Once more
That your vast nature
Can comfort me

I think I can pretend that
The light I see
Is more intimidating
Than the arms out you reach

But what the **** is this feeling...

My friendships
Turn to dust
As another date
I said offhand,
I failed to commit
To memory.

Trauma of the past
Has left remnant seeds
Of which I rely on
As a survival instinct
That has driven,
Like roots,
Uncontrollably through
Every friendship I gain.

I forget the most basic
Conversations and things
I’ve said,
But my past,
Made black in defense
Of my ability to move forward,
Shows plainly
That most of it I did not need;
Files have been deleted,
And only frames
Of each have been contrived
To make looking back easier to handle.

I often wish it was not this way,
And find myself apologizing
For a defense mechanism
That has rooted in the very fabric
Of every memory—
Will they ever forgive me?
Will I?—
I hope they don’t see the blank
Canvas that I see.

Will it ever be filled
With anything other than
The coffee stains
That have been left
From when I’ve decidedly
Put off trying
Not to forget?

Or will it be an everlasting
White, that juxtaposes
The darkness I see when I look back?—

It tantalizes me, truly.

It just struck me as odd
Since we sleep to regain energy
To do the things we need to
The next time the sun rises

But what do we rest in peace for
I think it’s a different kind of sleep
My matter dissipates in the dirt
And awakes to live in the roots
Of all the trees that gave me shade
And the flowers that defined beauty

The only better place I’m going
Is the world beneath your feet.

There exists a room,
Without windows,
Only walls;
It doesn’t matter how many
But it’s dark,
And feet are chained to the floor.

This room exists in everyone,
But some choose to stay closed off—
Choose to stay forgotten.

The bottle swells with pressure,
For as long as one
Could possibly contain it,
But pressure, no matter of what origin
Always leads
To an explosion,
And so explode one will,
In a cataclysm of tears,
And aching.

Each time the pressure
Lets itself break the cap,
The level rises,
And the loss
Starts at the first moment
Because the cap
Gets looser
With every time it breaks,

Until the rain from the eyes
Is covered
By the water rising,
And your vision might have
Gotten used to the dark,
But the effervescence
Of your exhales
Has blinded you,
As I’m sure you didn’t notice
How far the level had risen,

And those eyes
Never let be seen
By another pair,
Or by the sunset
Surely overtaken
By the despair that
You wouldn’t let them be seen,
But the pulmonary edema
You face has been made
By your own brokenness

Why, I must ask, did you lock yourself away?

I hope you feel like a big strong man
When you only pick the fights you know you can win
Only for the sake of beating somebody else
In your world it’s tactics
But in mine it’s cowardice
If an advantage is an advantage
And that’s all that matters
Don’t cry foul when karma’s work is carried out
And the big strong manly hunter is reduced to helpless prey

Numb fingers grip a cold metal **** and turn
Numb legs shuffle numb feet through the doorway
The cold world sends a gust
Like an archer taking one last shot at fleeing prey
But all the cold is a memory
Once I enter the warmth of your arms
When I can lay my head in your lap
And be blanketed with love and reassurance
You’ve made yourself my home
The pillow I can rest my head on when I’m exhausted
But you can’t let me sleep forever.

The cold used to shock me
Intense and unrelenting
I could use the shock to drive me
To run or light fires
I used to want to fix it
And the cold made me better
But now my body’s adapted
And escape is only a message away

Now I’m stuck in a blizzard I’ve let develop
In a cold that will eventually **** me
But I’m too numb to do anything anymore
With guilt, I turn to you to ask more than I deserve

You just wanted to be my comfy place
My escape from the cold
But I’m asking you to be a rock
Be something I can lean on for support
Be something that pushes me forward
Break me out of this numbness
Make me fight the cold again
So that this blizzard with dissolve
Love me in a way that doesn’t feel like loving to you.

Often, an image returns to my brain
That makes me shudder
I drive myself insane
Over the words I'm too afraid to utter
About a stain that I've kept hidden
A part of my history quarantined
Can I ever outrun this past?
Will my conscience ever be cleaned?

Or am I just trying to run from my own shadow?

someone pressed a button
now all the lights are off but one
a red one blinking steadily
warning of the self destruction that's to come
the backup power moves my body
but even at full strength it was a losing battle
one last breath before my head goes under
and I'm swept away cause I don't want to paddle

The sauce of life is edible;

Fuggin dig in.

Will I go out like the sun
Yellow, orange, red, and pink
Burning until the end?
Or will I be like the moon
And quietly let the coming light
erase me from the sky?

Everywhere I look tonight
Somebody in pain
Somebody trying to run away
Somebody just wanting to be touched
Somebody just wanting to be seen

Take a pill
Make the pain go away
Take a drag of this
Let the memories slip away
In the clouds of smoke
Take a sip of this
Numb the feelings I can’t deal with
Dance until I drop
Fake it til I make it
Go talk to them
A warm body melts the loneliness away
Turn the music up
So I don’t have to hear my thoughts.

It’s cold
And there’s no air here
But there’s no need
After all we’re only dreaming

The cold is only here
As long as you believe it is
So simply believe the weather’s nice
And lets gaze out into nothingness

Deep into the great empty
Small white lights blink at us
As if to say hello
And we’ll wink back

They are distant friends
Of our giant shining orb
Busy lighting up
The moons and planets and all other bodies in their orbit

It’s quiet up here
Surrounded by silver sands
Nearly untouched
By the other animals

The animals below
That live and die
That laugh and cry
Every experience on the spectrum of animal emotions all on a blue dot.

It’s nice to be away from it
If only for a little while
And truly just do nothing
But nothing with you is everything.

I hope I don’t wake up soon
So I can still take in the view
So I can cherish this moment while dreaming

After all, that’s the only time I’m with you..

I miss your eyes on me,
And I can’t sleep,
Your voice in my head,
Unable to think,
The mist and the tears,
I can’t decipher between;
And another glass sits empty.

I’m blank of meaning
Without any ideas to say,
Just tell me if I’ve been pushed
From your mind already
Because the silence
Has taken me to an asylum,

And when I yell to the breeze against my face
Barely alive and disregarding speed limits,
I wonder if the lyrics I speak
Tear you to pieces
As they do me,
Since they speak truth better than my own.

When did you forget me?
It’s degrading to only know
By feeling,
And not by telling.
I can taste the sulfur
In the air tonight.

Why didn’t you warn me?

In two weeks, half the year will be gone
Half of our one year together
The time still ahead feels so long
But the time already past so short
Can they really be the same length?
The wax is halfway melted now
So remember the smell
And enjoy the sight of our dancing flame
Dancing carelessly
Because if our wick runs out regardless
I want to put on a show before all that’s left
Is the wafting smoke of a burned-out candle

We’re past the sinking feelings
At rock bottom there’s no further to fall
Except six feet further
And I know everybody has these thoughts
But it’s getting harder every day
To say no and to keep on living

Would it be wrong then
To keep you in the dark
Knowing your words will never reach me
Would you rather say you tried
Or would the guilt
Of having tried and failed
Consume you too?

Would it be wrong
To give you just a little more normal
Or at least the illusion of it
Not tell you about the bomb inside
That you wouldn’t be able to defuse
Would you prepare for the inevitable
Fight against impossible odds
Or drive yourself to insanity

There’s no easy way to say
That I’m thinking of ending things
And I don’t want to see you
Try to stop me
So I’m sorry
But I chose to give you a little longer
Of not worrying about a battle you can’t win
Not worrying about the bomb
That can no longer be defused
Until the day that you find me
What was me on the bathroom floor
And all the normalcy in your life
Is blown to smithereens

These days the well of ideas runs dry
I can no longer lower my bucket
And bring it up full
With enough to satisfy your thirst for creativity
And to satisfy my thirst to create
Yet I am chained to my commitment
To bring you this daily offering
So I turn to the dry stones of my well
And try to squeeze water from them

I hope this mere drop is enough

How does it feel to stand alone?

With nothing but a stem
And a bud unbloomed,
You are cast in shadow
By the mist
Of the tall trees
That outshine you.

The sun finds them,
Doesn’t even acknowledge you,
Even though those trees
Are the reason for the shade
In which you uphold your residence.

It wasn’t something that was wished
It was given,
But not all presents received
Have much thought,
But the mind accepts them
Because it’s better than receiving nothing.

Gifts of putting you down
In an attempt to make it harder for you to grow,
Wanting you to be exactly what they want,
And never what you deserve to be.

Animalistic men pry and **** you
To drag you into the dirt
With the rest,
Because we are all slaves to attention,
And I’m ashamed to tell you,
Sometimes that’s all you’ll get.

But you should know,
You aren’t like them;
Trying to grow tall,
So that the sun can see you
Isn’t what you need,
It’s what they made you believe.

You are a flower,
Soft and sweet,
Juxtaposing the rough
Trees that try to outshine,
But they know deep down,
They aren’t made like you.

A flower
Doesn’t need the sunshine
To illuminate the darkness around
And to warm the ground enough
That not even the snow falling from their branches
Could make it wilt.

And you are one such flower,
If you decide to be,
But I wonder how it feels to stand betwixt
Such an undeserving crowd--
I wonder how it feels to stand alone,
And I question whether you’ll be so bold
Or if you’ll hide your wonderful bloom
From the world;

I hope you’ll find
The self-acceptance and trust within
To show them what you are made of
Because what you deserve is better
Than what is given.

I depend on you
You depend on me
They depend on us
We depend on them
One goal
Every hand building
Equal parts of the ladder
Know your position
Take pride in your tasks
Together we will do
What none of us could do as one

I'm laying on a bed of nails
Waiting for the phone call
To be the hand on my chest
To push me down

Are you aware
Of what you force upon me?
My emotional well
Is dry and I've beaten my head
Against the stones
Bleeding until there's enough
To pour onto a page
Why do you call me so ******* late?

Why do you even bother
Calling me
At all?

A tear runs down their face
Falling like a drop of blood
Into a pool of sharks
The fruit is still only maturing
But the monsters fully grown
Won’t wait for it to fall from the tree
You’re so mature for your age
You have a pretty young woman’s face
The boys your age don’t know
How to appreciate a beauty like yours

Silver-tongued devils roam the halls of the church
It couldn’t happen here
Somewhere so sacred and secure
But such places draw the vulnerable and trusting
How could cannibals like them resist
The urge to prey on those who pray so desperately

In the halls of the school
The young are ****** into the final phase
The final ascent to adulthood
The steps will get you there eventually
But there are many with a taste for young blood
Who would be happy to show you the elevator

Upperclassmen, Teachers, Pastors, Family and Family Friends
Those who have positions of power
The trusted and respected
How could I speak out
What risk would that bring me
What if no one believes me....

Monsters, cannibals, zombies, vampires
All fictional to the rest
But for many these evil beings
Are as real as the heart beating in your chest

The worst of it is, they’re told to keep quiet. This could ruin somebody’s life. Without acknowledging that it already has, and that who they’re protecting is the antagonist. I hope you have trouble sleeping tonight. I hope you trust the locks on your doors. Because you’ve caused some to lose the ability to trust at all, and you go on living without remorse. If your only fear is of being caught, or you try to justify what you’ve done. Then I’ll have as little remorse, when the time for reckoning comes. No longer will we tolerate a society that keeps your names and faces safe. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but you’re not dealing with anyone as self-righteous as yourself.

Don’t these hours fly by
No wonder my body can’t keep up
When my mind can’t comprehend it
The days and weeks pass through
Space faster than light in a vacuum,
For the vacuum of life
Is much more efficient
In ******* out everything
Than we could possibly mimic.

To the trees,
I write about
The way that all leaves
Will eventually
Explain the reason
Why such that they are called
By the way the wind
Takes hold
And drags them away.

I guess that’s why the rain comes,
And the winter soon thereafter;
The misconception is quite common
Because emotions no longer exist
With how the world has evolved,

But I know
That the seasonal change is that
Of the leaving,
And not of the axis rotation,
Nor the orbit of the sun,

Only one who knows
That trade-wind feel,
Could ever understand
Why some trees fall
Without a sound.

Only the bystander
Can know that leaves
Will always leave;
Standing at the treeline,
Questioning the sanity
As the trees will always
Let spring from branches
And the trunk again;

Only the bystander
Can tell you
Why dating an ex
Seldomly ends
With an effect not reminiscent of this,
And without a question deep in the mind
Begging to know the difference.

My eyelids wane like a raging
Sun strewn across
An unexpecting moon’s surface
To be viewed
From the thin slice of this desolate
Bitter blue planet.

Given a phase
By the uncomfortable
So that 28 days were easier understood,
And when eclipses flair,
Screaming across the sky,
We predict
So that schedules are constructed,
Making safe the unstable.

Writing a soft chill
When the dark side
Is the point of complexion shining
And we give labels
And names
To block out our
Primal fear
Of being so far away
And so forgotten to the stars.

The waxing and waning moon
In the sky residing,
Has no phases to itself,
Its rotation is not
But an orbit around our world.
Blame it on the moon,
But the moon never changes
Unlike these eyes
Eclipsed by your arrogance,
And shamed through your labels.

Not everything has to align
To your egocentricity.
Not the labeled one in the sky,
And not these,
Whose iris blocks out the aurora
That rages shallowly behind.
Your view may be true to you,
As the moon is only true to itself,
But the only difference:

One is an opinion
Forged within but a lifetime
As the other has folded upon tens
For a myriad of chances to evolve,
And yet never changed, thus has been
Sewn into fact,
Avoiding your cage,
That, if you only looked closer,
You’d understand
These bars
Wall up only yourself,
And maybe that comforts you.

So build your walls,
Tighten the blurry line,
Make true to life
Your ability to shine
In God’s eyes.
While the outsiders
Remain,
Free to finally come to accept themselves,
Since you’re barred behind your cage,
Raging,
While the world presses on,
Without you
And your idealistic crowd.

Falter your steps
To form a line
And march, you saints,
To where the road tapers,
Maybe you too will be left behind
By those you thought
Were on your side,

I wonder if your God
Is more forgiving
Unto those who lived
With an open mind,
Than those of you
Who counted heads,
Locked yourselves away,
And despised.

Hours passed
Until we slipped away
From the plane of existence
And the pain of persistence
Into a world where everything just worked
All the pieces fit together
Beautiful harmonies our ears were deaf to
Beautiful colors our eyes were blind to
And the lights danced for us
They don’t do that for everyone
And they won’t do that forever
So let’s vibe while the vibes are good

Maybe we won’t last forever,
But we wouldn’t know unless we tried.
Forever’s out of reach anyways,
‘Cause eventually somebody dies.

We know that our road is finite,
Everybody else’s is too,
But just because it’s not forever,
Doesn’t take away the value of every step with you.

In fact,

Doesn’t it make it all the more valuable?
I think it’s beautiful to have the gift of time,
And to give it to somebody special.
It’s the rarest treasure, and I want to give you mine.

And for the record,

I would never be upset,
Even if you decided to walk away;
I know the worth of memories,
It’s how dead people live, as long as they stay.

Just because one of us got burned
Or burned out, doesn’t change;
Every good time still happened,
And I will look back on them the same.

So in the end,

Maybe it won’t be everything,

But it will be something,

That if you mean it,

Will mean everything to me.

Just because your team ***** this year,
Doesn’t mean you’ll shift your support,
You’ll defend them as you would yourself,
As though your life depends on the opinion.

It's like the turning of a faucet
If you stay in the hot too long you'll boil your hand
If you stay in the cold you'll freeze
Are you going to move before you get punished
Or are you going to stick with your team?

Justified in your opinion
As you won the game,
You’ll shoot the opposition down
Claiming “fake news” as a bleat
That only adds irony
To your flock of sheep.

But don’t get me wrong:
The other side bleats just as loud,
With the wavering cries
And nights spent in paranoia,
After calling out at the other side,
You’re just as bad.

Address your strengths together,
Understand each other’s weaknesses
And prejudices to stop the fire from spreading,
Because spending every four years undoing
What the other side has done
Leads on a winding path to nowhere.

It's like the turning of a faucet, I said,
A faucet of denying that both sides
Have gone much too far.
Turn on the other side,
To combine both,
Or we’ll only ever exist in fire-hot or freezing-cold.

Your hair gleams a different shade
In the sunlight than I've ever seen;
It stuns me at my core
To where I am lost for words,
Until I’m able to find my resolve again,
And pretend that the stars strike me more.

Your brown eyes seem to pierce my soul,
Even from five thousand miles away.
I couldn’t possibly lie to you.
It takes my breath from my lungs,
And the color changes in my face.

Not enough for anyone to see,
Except your windows
That see right through me,
And I realize only now
That your blinds are closed.

I wonder what you are afraid of,
Me or society?
But still you peek through,
Eyes on me,
And mine on you.

But now I know why
You never let me in:
You fear yourself,
Not those who wave at you
From the streetlights smiling with sin.

Built up to be broken
Is what they taught,
And the thought
That nobody will stay
Is hidden behind the blinds.

If you let me in,
Maybe I could show you
How just a hug
Can change your mind,
But you promised me.

“I am nothing,”
Is what you said
And for you to be nothing
Would make nothing, to me,
Worth everything.

And I can't help
These twitches in my chin
And my hands holding either side
As my tears penetrate through
These once-strong hands.

I couldn’t save you
From the sorrow you’ve
Weathered behind your blinds
Closing off your soul
And I am left shaking…

I am defeated, as life defeated you.
I am breaking, as life broke you.
I am gasping for air, as you breathe no more.
I am alone with your ghost,
That will haunt me until I finally
Decide to knock on your door.

And I wonder how long it’ll take me.

Of all the scars
Amassed from misadventures many
Beside the ones I'm proud to have survived
And the ones I've humbly taken a lesson from
There is one scar I can't bear to see
A small scratch of a scar
But it's being so mild that drives me crazy.

This scar was created
By separation from someone
Who I once tried to be one with
Yet it is not the fact they left
That covers my taste buds in bitterness when I recall
But the fact that they only left

It's a small scar
And should've disappeared by now
But I can't keep myself
From reopening it to keep the pain fresh
In hopes that feeling some small pain
Over and over
May someday satisfy my desire to be punished

They left me with this scar
But I left them with many more
The deepest kind that comes from trusting
From believing in me
Before I believed in myself
And I betrayed this trust
This belief

Not once.
Not twice.
I left you with three deep cuts.

In moments of apathy
I lost sight of what you meant to me
I lost sight of everything
And with the will to live resigned
I told myself you deserved better
As if I had any say
A naive ******* and a child.

I hid behind these excuses
Believing I was a victim of my sickness
To deny responsibility
And whether because of exhaustion
Or some small part of you that still believed
I was granted a pardon
You would only leave and nothing more

But now that I've chosen to shoulder the blame I deserve
I'm sick to see this small scar is all I have
For all I've done to you
But maybe the punishment I want now
Is not the one I deserve.
Maybe this is justice
To ever so slowly burn.

It’s like a bomb going off,
All you can do
Is admire from a distance
At the pinnacle of mankind’s
Mode to self destruction
And either go crazy
Trying to survive the coming wave,
Or sit there waiting
To be buried
By the steady increase
Of the coming sound.

Is a life worth living
If I only live to keep on living
To see another sunrise
But reject the many pleasures
That don't come free
After all, as my shadow grows longer
With the light behind my eyes
Slowly setting
Setting the sky of my mind on fire
With beautiful colors
That signal of my brain's decaying
My body starts to slow and ache
As everyone I know dies off
Because I chose to live for living's sake..

But is it any better
To live for life's pleasures
To trade a rusty *****
For an excavator
And accelerate the digging of my grave
A life that's short but full
Of tastes and experiences
To become a smiling gluttonous corpse
Spending every future sunrise I had
For instant gratification
For the joy
Of never having to tell myself no
Escape the fate of a long burning, dim star
To be a shooting one
Shining bright but only for a moment

Stripped of rhymes
Stripped of bars
Maintaining only the most basic structure
Maybe this isn’t poetry
But it is creative writing
And I hope you find it illuminating
And thought-provoking.

The people of Oz had their wizard. A legend being capable of great feats. One could only speak to him in his chamber. His mythos came from those he amazed, who would embellish their descriptions of his power so much, that he had to hide away to protect the truth of his abilities or lack thereof. This conundrum does not exist exclusively in fiction. In history, when humankind’s logic was not as keen to such deceptions, many times power was asserted. A small group hides themselves in a cave, coming out to give commands and create rules for people who believed lies. People that believed inside the cave were mystical objects, or deities themselves that granted the small group with wisdom or power to bless efforts and curse dissent. By asserting that the contents of the cave would cause immediate death for those not chosen to see them, they kept their power secure. Such tricks only last as long as people’s fear of an unknown power outweigh their dissatisfaction with their treatment and position as slaves, or their skepticism.

Now today, the ultimate wizard exists. All knowing, all powerful, the definition of goodness, so no order or action can be called into question on the basis of ethics. Invisible to all, except when they used to appear to people all the time before cameras and in a time of legends. Speaking with a voice you hear inside yourself. No one can call into question what you heard, because you’re the only one who heard it, and since you heard it from the all-knowing definition of goodness super wizard, others who believe must follow as if the words did come from such a being, not a mere man. It’s an old trick, but quite effective.

A day has already passed.
The once slow, soft
Rhythmic beating
Unnoticed,
Morphs into the only audible entity
Existing in this empty room.

And it only seems
To become more profound
The more I let it in--
The more I let it take over.

Its consuming my mind,
This thought of nonexistence
And now its 6 in the afternoon
Of the second day
And the sun sets soon.

I fear
The oncoming onslaught.
An answer to a question I had before
Has answered that my time is limited.

The sky burns purple
From the atmosphere
Affecting the sunlight
Before fading into black and white.

Will i fade to monochrome
Along with the colors
Of the sky?
Or will I be abraised
Beyond recognition,
Cast from the last memory?

I exist now
With questions
Emerging from the septic
Tank I buried long ago
Knowing no one
Can save me.

My volition
Was revoked
When I accepted numbness.
And all the fear
Is let loose at the thought
Of my life
Ending meaningless.

Who knew
Feeling so fine
Could be so frustrating

Writing has been therapy
A mode of self expression
On my worst days
I can let out all the sadness
And all the rage
Put them into words
Fill another page
But what do I do when everything’s fine?

As artists we strain to capture things
Feelings or descriptions of events
Meticulously obsessing over every detail
So that when you hear that soaring melody
After the dissonance resolves
And your eye catches the little details
Painted in so carefully
And the words like bricks
Build up the image of our mind’s musings
You get it.
It resonates with you.
But what is there to do
When nothing is breaking my heart
Nothing is making me happy or angry
My mind is devoid of curious thoughts
Only filled with contentment

I can’t help feeling
I took those painful nights for granted
Where I cried myself to sleep
Just wishing something would change
Because now I’ve gotten so efficient
At describing the pain
That I’m lost on a day that’s just fine


Seven-thousand words,
And a shining moon in the sky,
Waxing and waning the nights away,
The well has been drained for so long
Every poem so raw,
Unfinished, sparking at the first idea
That lets the stem spread
From the seed.

Today is unusually mundane,
And nothing seems to find a place on the page,
Since nothing seems short of fine.
Who knew that the night could be so peaceful
All alone riding these waves,
With no cloud blocking the stars in the sky
Who knew that the weight carried
Would pile on
Until floating here in the middle
Didn’t feel so difficult all of a sudden,

The pages turn,
The days pass on,
And the weight slowly gets lifted off,
But where do you turn when there’s nothing left
To be said?
Where do you turn,
When the wind doesn’t set the sail
In any particular direction,
And the sun sets a moderate temp?

Trouble and turmoil
Makes the story more engaging,
But the truth is in the calm waves
And the cloudless sky,
Giving a sense of peace
Not found so often;
I’m not sure if it’s worth a lie
To engage more to read,
When I’d rather think about
The gentle breeze
And clear sky.

In this life
So much darkness
Death
Sadness
I leave my house in the morning
On my way to work
When I’m there
And when I come back
I see broken people
Isolated from themselves to be more marketable
Isolated from loved ones by the impermeable barrier of death
Even the best steel masks society has on display
Show signs of chipping and decay

Everything runs on money in the adult world
You sell your soul to the highest bidder
And hope it’s enough to get a little bit of comfort
For some they hope it’s enough to survive
It’s disgraceful to call it hope
The truth is desperation
The truth of the world built before we were born
Before I could see your face with a few taps of the screen
And know that everybody was human like me
Keeping the voices and faces out of sight
The human world was built greedy and impersonal

But amidst greed’s victims and victors
In an isolated pocket
You live in your own world
Pets don’t worry about money
Children haven’t had the value of money or objects ingrained into their minds
Consciousness free from the worries and burden of the state of things
Allows for a purity few that grow up can understand or possess..
But this wicked world takes everything..
Imagine what the world might be if we could break free of the tradition of greed..
Stop treating each other as property.. As tools..
I get a glimpse every time I see this purity and think..
The world, as it is, doesn’t deserve you.

I've had a string of nightmares
All following a theme
The kind that speaks to truths
That live outside of my dreams
They show me sudden twists
Tragedy, this horror's name
In instants how all life can leave
How all light can leave the brain

Tonight's dream, I was surrounded with friends. We parked in a remote spot surrounded by thick trees. Tall brown trunks extending upward, dark green vines and moss descend from the hidden ceiling, and dead leaves cover the ground in shades of green, yellow, orange, and brown, hiding thick roots we try not to trip over.

In the distance as we push through the forest with enthusiasm, I begin to hear the soft fluctuating static of waves crashing onto a sandy shore somewhere beyond the trees. My dreaming mind made no words, but I remember the conversations clearly for how they made me feel. I loved this group. I felt we had gone through a great deal of time together, and despite recognizing no faces, they all felt so familiar and so dear to me.

Almost all at once the leafy ground turned to sand. We had reached the beach we were headed for, and grey skies extended to the horizon over dark bluish green waters. This part of the dream is hazy. We quickly got into the water, but they pressured me to swim deeper. Rather than be alone or hold them back, I swam out, but my heart sunk looking down. Something about not being able to see the floor filled me with panic... so I kept my eyes on my friends and eventually we went back to shore.

Now I remember something strange. A feeling of deja vu. A feeling that I had had this dream before, and that something bad was about to happen.. but the four of us were so happy. Someone I felt was my best friend, another I felt I was in love with, and the last someone we all cherished equally, the smallest of the group.

We walked back into the forest, this time on a path. The spirit of adventure filled all of us, and we couldn't help but run along it, embracing the forest as a playground we had to ourselves. At one point I remember climbing a tree, as the one I loved climbed one near me. As we ascended, suddenly my stomach dropped again, and I was filled with dread. The world froze.

I recognized it. This was it. I remembered her face from when I dreamed this before. The angle I was looking at her from. Her next move would destroy her balance and send her falling.. a fall she'd never get back up from. I yelled for my best friend as time resumed, and he ran to just below us. I looked at his face looking up with concern, and felt momentarily relieved that maybe I could change this outcome.. momentarily..

In an instant my love was falling, and I felt my heart stop with anticipation.. she fell onto him.. he tried to catch her.. but when they collided there was a sickening crack. She slowly got up, but then began to scream, as we both took in what was happening. My best friend lay there motionless, except for his eyes. He attempted to speak some words.. but I knew he had no control of his lungs. He couldn't even look at me.. even though I knew he was trying.. and after some seconds of agony.. he evaporated into glimmering golden specs of dust. Everything that made him him was gone.. what was left was a corpse.

The horror of that moment woke me
And I was glad it was only a dream
But even though it never really happened
I still remember the horrible sights and sounds of that scene
What a terrible tragedy
To be robbed of crucial time
To come to terms that somebody's leaving
And instead have to jump to the end of the line

The worst of all might be having no enemy to blame.. the final grain from the hourglass.. fell from an accident.. a tragedy.

The song weaves me apart
To appease the tension
In my heart
Before taking strings
And sewing me back together
I will cry from the tension release
And cry more when the song is over
Leaving tear trails
From my eyes
That soak and run
Between my fingers
Like rivers down
Down my forearms
But I'll be okay
When the song is over
I'll be okay
When the lyrics speak to me
As them I could have written
I have a relationship with music, you see
One that you could never understand.

Behind your walls,
I could not see,
Whatever survived,
Whether darkness or light,
I could not tell,
Until you let me past
The barrier,
Until you let me
Step in behind your door.

Light I could finally see,
And with that,
A moment of relief,
And I took a moment
Gazing around the room,
Although looking cared for,
I caught a glimpse
That you didn’t completely trust me yet,
True, you were not opaque,
But translucent
Is all you allowed.
For behind those hazel eyes,
I couldn’t see clearly
What thoughts were turning
In your mind.

Truth and honesty
I desire most,
And when your place
Was visually downplayed
For my comfort
When you hosted,
I know you weren’t ready
To be transparent,
Just translucent,
But not opaque,
And although I hope someday
For transparency,
I thank you
For not pretending that your world
Is all open doors,
And illuminated.

Only open your doors
To those rooms you have closed off
When you’re ready for me to see
What lives behind them.
No matter darkness or light,
I will still be there.
So breathe while you still can
And show me
What you will,
Just as long as you’re never opaque with me,
Just as long as you give me
So much as a small picture,
I will give these arms
Whenever they’re needed.

Writing has so many advantages
But non e tht I take for granted more
Than the ability to change what’s been writtn
The backspace on a keyboard
The eraser of a pencil
But life is a story written in pen
No crossing out words or paragraphs
And no tearing out pages so they can be written again
It j only continues to be written
Moving forward
With every mistake and flaw
Immortalized in a way more permanent
Than ink on a page could ever be
And so I wrote this as ametaphor
As a challenge to do thinkgs right the first time
But even if I think twice, write once
Shaky hands miss keys
And I see better pasts unchangeable once
I ma am is in the future
I am in the future
Such is life

A deep embrace
Into the arms
You withdraw
Changes my soul
To a tinge
Cataclysmic,
While remaining the muse
For all my best work
Just to tantalize
How deep the abyss steals
From my paper-thin
Mask unable
To hide the intake
Of your second hand smoke
Taunting with every
Exhale against my lips.

So steal another,
But one without rhymes
Because the road
You dragged me along
With the noose
You tied, yourself,
Is one I travel
Often,
And find myself a smile
Held back
From a road I gave too much credit
For my shadow,
As the driver
I let loose,
But now my eyes
Stare on the other end
Of the bars you left me
To cower alone.

For now, I flaunt the scar
Of the noose you gave
And the tearing of my back
When you dragged me along,
And think about
Whether or not
An epiphany
Will find you
Acknowledging the mistakes
Within the grave, hidden
That you continue digging,
For you’re already six feet deep,
Yet you keep going.
You don’t get to be my muse
Any longer;
Your eyes have hidden
The retraction
Of your sins,
When will they boil over?

And we rest at the standstill
As life’s colors fade
Bring me an endless paralyze
Against the willow
Amixt the green grass
In the forest deep
With no thoughts more to venture
And no hopeless dreams.

Dissect the place I buried in my head
That I continuously dig up
To bury myself in its stead.
Relinquishing me
Blueprints for burdens
Awaiting construction.
The puzzle has been flipped
So that the pieces all look the same,
There’s no chance.

Bury me by the dock
Beside the willow,
The only friend I have left.
Amixt the green grass
In the forest,
That drains its colors
At the moment
Of my death.

All I really wanted
Was to be wanted
But now I’m slowly realizing
I only ever wanted
To be wanted by you