Sometimes I shut my feelings
I have to
Not to break

But my mind is an open circuit
A spark
Brings feelings back

And I scream so loud inside me
No!
Not again

That's not what I sould be feeling now
I try
I think I can

Now everything is tainted
The sadness
It's still there

The numbness dolls the feeling
It has to do
For now

You’re down
an acceptable amount of pleasure
I close my eyes
I’m in the moment

I drift

I’m not here
It’s not you
Now I feel
The one that was before

I feel him
I smell him
I see the light
I hear the street

I miss your taste
Your thoughts
Your words
I miss the moments after

I’m back

Did you notice
I’ve been on autopilot?

Tell me what to feel
Tell me how to be
I'm tired
It's too much wondering for me

But if I'll know which way to go
I'll be revived, I'll do it all

Tell me where I failed
Tell me if I'm good
I cannot decide alone
There was a time I could

Say, can you take the lead?
And fix the broken me?

Tell me where it went wrong
Tell me, have I ever had a chance?
I'm scared of the beginning
I'm not sure how it will end

At night it all seems worst
The days are now the same
Time heals all
When there's no cure, that's what they say

I haven't seen you in a while
Is it ok that I don't miss you?

This second quarantine is just fine
I don't mind the distance

You keep on telling me every day
That you want to see me

But I am good
I don't know why

This feeling is new to me
I've never felt so empty

At times I almost forget
Of your existence

I hear your voice
A midst some others, louder

I don't feel good
I don't know why

He comes to check up on me
Sometimes she comes along
He gets worried when he doesnt see me
Afraid that somethings wrong

I do too worry
On days he doesn't come
I often feel sorry
For that I have some ***

The encounter is brief
Our eyes lock into place
A moment of disbelieve
To see each others face

Once more he disappears
I'm sad there wasn't more
But I know he will reappear
To pick again at my raw sore

It’s days like this
I want to write
When everything comes to a halt

And I am left between the two
And I don’t know which way to go

Just need to choose
Which of the two
Will cause a bit less suffering

Meanwhile I am in between
But we know it won’t last forever

I’ll make a choice
Glancing at the other
The suffering is still here
No less, just different

He heared our song
Please forgive me
I couldn't stop it in time

He didnt even know
You were on my mind
But i could feel it

He even said that it was good
My heart broke into pieces

I didnt mean to share with him
A moment that was just ours

Writing
Drinking
Thinking
Thinking

Eating
Drinking
Thinking
Writing

Sighing

Sometimes I want what others have
Sometimes I dont
Sometimes I go the extra mile
Sometimes I wont

Sometimes I want what others had
Sometimes I dont
Sometimes I look at all thats good
Sometimes I wont

Sometimes I see life for what it is
So short and pointles
Sometimes I see life for what it is
So long and painful

Sometimes I know it's just a mood
Sometimes I wish that i just could
Sometimes I need to know what to want
Sometimes all of it is not enough

I'm bored
You are giving all you got
The moves
The tricks

I'm looking for things
That I can count
Some lines
Some dots

You turn around
Now I'm on top
I need to fake some effort

I'm bored
I'm out

I wanted to tell you something
I practiced for hours
I came up with different versions
I needed to do it

But you didn’t answer
Nor the next day
Nor the next

Now it doesn’t feel special
I feel stupid for even wanting
To share with you something
So personal

Instead of talking to you
And getting closer
I’m reduced to writing you
About the distance

Trust. But why?
Or rather - how?
I can't control it
Is it my nature?

I always learn
'I am so smart'
But can I not sense danger?

Or am I on the right path?
'One day the cycle breaks'
Trust keeps the inertia

When trust is lost
All is stopped
Life needs intention

I am naïve
When it comes to love
Some think it is romantic

It's not
It's tough!
It's really rough!

The strong come out the other side
The weak adopt resentment