8 days into the new year and I have already broken my resolution.

After 4 shots and 3 whiskey and cokes
God only knows what all went down.
I wake up in a daze
pick my clothes up off the floor
and curse myself out loud.

The car ride home lasted a life time.
I closed my eyes hoping that it wasn't real
that when I opened them again I'd be in my bed
alone.

Turned the shower on as hot as it gets
tried to burn off the shame
tried to scrub off the guilt
but no matter how scalding the water was,
nothing could wash away the pain.

Spent hours in my bed
not moving
because if I moved
it would mean I exist
and I don't want to.
Not anymore.

Nothing has ever made me
hate myself more.
8 days into the new year and I have already broken my resolution.

*8 days into the new year and I have already broken.

You know how hard it is
for me to tell people how I feel
so when I told you I was feeling low
and especially alone
I was half hoping you'd hop in your car
and drive as fast as you could to get here.

But the doorbell never rang.

*You never came.

Each morning I practice my smile in the mirror
above the bathroom sink
Does this look real enough,
is my happiness convincing?
And this hollow, vacant shell
where a human should be
does it look alive?
like a normal functioning body?
And when you look into my eyes
"the windows of the soul"
do they sparkle, shine brightly?
can you tell that they are empty?

Something always brings my mind back to you.
And I'm unsure if it's to torture myself
or because I have nobody else to think about.

Or maybe it's because you were the first person
(I thought) that I loved.
But I was young(er) and (more) naive.
Although I am still those things
I'm old enough to know
all the people you want to stay
are always going to find reasons to leave.

It's been 3 years since we talked
and I'm finding it hard to remember
every little thing about you
that I once had memorized.

Like the sound of your voice
the feel of your skin
the scent of your clothes
or your taste on my lips.

I  have tried to erase every part of you.

The one thing I do remember though,
is giving you my heart
and watching you hold it in your hands-
not even glancing at it
as you dropped it and walked away,
never looking back.

And I still think about you?
What the **** is up with that?

The idea of death doesn't scare me
The idea of my death hurting those I love does
and if I'm being honest that doesn't seem like enough
and if I'm being honest, how could it ever be?

When depression is your best friend you tend to listen to its every word
It becomes your closest confidante, the single one thing to rely on.
On days my depression leaves me, I feel lost.
but I'm comforted in the fact that it's only momentarily
because unlike others, depression will always come back.
We've built up a trust like that.

So when my depression whispers in my ear
that everyone will be fine without me, eventually
I have no choice but to listen
you see, why would depression lie to me?

When it comes to the idea of life and taking my own
and in enters the cacophony of voices saying
"think of those that love you"
What they don't realize is, I do.
Depression loves me the most.

and I know, in the end
it will open up its arms
swallow me whole
and say to me,

welcome home.

I just want someone to see all the potential that I don't see in myself
Believes that I'm so much more than what I really am
Someone who'd be proud to show me off
Not be embarrassed to hold my hand.

Someone to love all the flaws that I've grown to hate
to love my imperfections and make up for all that I lack
Not someone who only loves me secretly, under the covers.
Is that too much to ask?

Or do I not deserve that?

I haven't been writing lately
and I was curious as to why
turns out I haven't been feeling
a single thing

Numb as numb can be
and I can't decide if I prefer
this nothingness
or if I'd rather still be sad.

and I can't figure out
if I'm happy to be alive
or if I'd rather close my eyes
and  never wake up

You can ask me when I'm dead.

Last night I drank a bottle of wine
broke down and cried
about everything
that's not going right
in my life.

Worst of all is how alone I feel
every waking moment
every breath
every second I'm alive.

There is only so much of yourself that you can give away
until there is nothing left
And I was giving you parts of me
that I never even had.

And it's not that I don't love you
It's just that it hurts
It's just that everything hurts

How the **** do I stop hurting?

I wake up every morning
Force myself out of bed
Maybe shower, brush my teeth
Maybe force myself to eat
Keep myself alive

But truth is I don't want to be
I pray for death daily
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
You had to meet me.

It's only when I'm left alone
in the middle of the night
staring in the dark
I think of you
and it breaks
my heart.

If anyone were to ask me,
for some reason,
when was the last time
I was touched by someone
who loves me.
The answer would be simple.

                                      Never.

But if they were to ask
perhaps,
when was the last time
I was touched by someone
with nothing but empty,
primal lust
I would sadly have to admit
                                    
                      ­                 Last week.

Even stranger,
if they were to ask,
when was the last time
that I was left
feeling worthless
and incapable of normalcy.
There would be no answer
because it's
                                       Constant.



But they won't ask.
So I'll tell them anyway.

It's when all the lights turn off that the demons come out
I'm not talking about the ones under your bed
or the ones in your closet
but the ones lurking in the back of your mind.
All the thoughts you never knew you had
all the insecurities held deep within
come creeping behind you and tap you on your shoulder.
Don't turn around.

It's the quietest hour of the night that's the loudest of all.
All the mistakes you have made
and all the bad habits you thought you could break
scream at you so loud that your eyes sting
begging you to come back to them once again.
Don't turn around.

Face forward.
Inhale. Exhale.
Walk- with one foot in front of the other
Walk right past broken dreams,
words you regret saying- or not saying,
failures, underestimations and doubts
walk right past the people holding you back
the insults, fears, and let downs.
And, most importantly.
Don't turn around.

I had a dream last night
that you were madly,
hopelessly,
in love with me.
And not the other way around.

You hopped in your car,
drove the 1,767 miles
from where you are
to my front door
just to see me.

But I knew
something was amiss
because you would
never leave her,
the mother of
your daughter.
I don't think
I'd want you to.


So no.
I don't have you,
and you don't love me
but I have dreams

I am so
completely
*******
irrelevant
and it's
bringing me down

and I know
I know that's
how you feel
because that's what
you tell everyone
when I'm not around.

The secret's out
and now you know how I feel
thanks to an alcohol-induced break down

and hearing you say
that you don't love me back
was the most excruciating sound.

You made me a rose today
Out of the aluminum foil
From your burrito at Qdoba..
And that was the first time
A guy has ever given me a flower.

Sometimes when I'm feeling a little too good
I'll think of you
to remind myself I deserve nothing more
than to be broken and alone

And don't you worry
You've planted enough seeds of doubt
to where I'll always be missing you,
and hating myself.

I've talked to the doctors
I'm taking the pills
Medication, meditation
but it all seems to fail

I'm shackled down
by the weight of my misery
and what other steps
can I take to be free
except to find
the tallest building

and leap.

You're cute
and you know it
tempting
and alluring
under my skin
but I won't give in.
You're no good
no, not for the real me
I'm really not sure
who I was trying to be
just to ease this pain.
But ***
with you-
basically a stranger,
no, that won't do.
You say "friends with benefits".
More like- "benefits"
because we're not friends.
You talk so *****
that I have to scrub myself clean
because that's just not who I am
nor will it ever be.
So, I'm changing my mind.
You'd get what you want
and I'd still be alone
tell me,
what's the benefit in that?

Forgive me for wanting to be loved,
and not just ******.

Constantly awaiting for my brain to stop being my worst enemy
Always at war against the thoughts that try defeating me
And when my mental illness rears its head it's so disheartening
Because I've been trying so hard to let go of that part of me
However 15 years of struggling doesn't go away that easily
Trying to find meaningful connections is impossible without purposely ruining things
When the consistent mantra my brain keeps telling me
That when it comes to love, you will never be worthy

I spent the first hours of the new year
laying on the floor of a guest bedroom,
drunk,
listening to you tell her how much you love her
closing my eyes
and wishing it was me.

My jealousy will always get the best of me.

I'm not sure who I am
or where I'm going
what choices to make
which direction to go
just floating in space.
always alone.
when I do open up
about how I feel inside
"I'm always here for you"
yet they're nowhere in sight
no one checks in
to see how I am
temporary caring
permanent hurting
I feel unwell
fragile, broken
where do I turn
who do I tell
how do I
get help?

and do I even want it?

Every single detail of my day
I want to share with you
-like a movie I watched
that left me feeling sad
or an excerpt in a book
that made me smile
(and think of yours)
but I can't.
Because I'm not allowed to feel the way that I do
and I can't be just friends like you want me to
and I can not sit back and watch you love her
and I can NOT love you.
But I do.

Just when I think I'm doing fine
living my life without you
you show up in my dreams
and I have to suppress my every urge
to drive to your house,
knock on your door
and fall to your feet.
Just when I think I'm strong
every song I hear screams your name
and I realize I'm so weak. I'm weak.
So I'm sitting here resorting to writing poems
about how much I miss you
while you're sitting less than a mile away
doing God knows what
(Oh how I wish I knew).
This is all so new to me
and I don't know what to do
because every time before this
you were always the one to leave,
not me.

I can't wrap my head around why you're still with me
after I so badly ****** up
and I can't wrap my head around why
I would do such a terrible thing
to someone I so desperately love.
It terrifies me knowing I've been so confused
does that mean I don't love you
as much as I know I do?

I tend to try to wreck things when I get scared
It's always been this way
And up until now everyone
immediately headed for the hills
So I can't wrap my head around
why you chose to stay.

I always think guys are too good for me.
That they are all out of my league.
That I deserve less than the best
The hand-me-downs.
I shop for guys in
the 99 cent bin
at Goodwill.

I always think that I'm never good enough.
Guys would never want me
I'm no ******* model
My stomach's not flat
and most of the times
I'm unsure how to act
like a normal girl.


But I like to think
that if anything,
I've got a good heart
that's gotta be worth something,
right?

I want to write a love poem
one tender and sweet
one that would make anyone swoon
But in order to write a love poem
I'd have to be in love
We would have to meet.

I want to write a happy poem.
one that would make you smile
one about the beauty in this world
the birds, the sky, the clouds
but I would have to be happy
I would have to know how.

I need some inspiration
Yeah, I need a new muse.
(I'm taking applications)
I need a healthy obsession
something else to write about
other than this darkness, this depression.

So another night of watching netflix in bed,
another night spent alone.
and I'm not happy
and I'm not in love.
So just another night
writing another sad poem.

Karma's a real *****
and I sure am getting mine
but she should just cut me a break
because I think we're about tied
I know I've hurt others
so now others have to hurt me
what goes around comes around
but I think this circle is complete
I'm sure she's had some fun at my expense
Yeah, torturing me must be so much fun
but please, I surrender, just help me out
I'd really like to finally meet "the one".
Karma, I am willing to change my ways
if only you will change yours too.
because the last thing my heart needs
is another bruise.

I fell in love with Las Vegas
I fell in love in Las Vegas

But both the city and he
will never, and can never
love me..

For someone who prides themselves on always being honest,
                          I am really such a liar

And for someone who likes to act all cold hearted and tough,
                            I'm a lover not a fighter

And when I say "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care"
                          It's because I care too much

And when I seem level headed, collected, and calm,
                            My insides are really mush

So when I inevitably get **** faced and text you:

                                        "I love you"

Or,

               "I  hate you"

Or,

                         "I hate you because I love you"

Please let me down easily

Because for someone who constantly claims you mean next to nothing to her,
                                           I am really such a liar.

Everything around me
reminds me how lonely
I really am

tv shows,
restaurants,
long car rides

and my empty bed.

My bed feels too big
knowing you'll never share it with me again
and my heart is breaking
knowing that I'm losing my best friend
but I've wasted all the love I have
on someone who will never love me back
I've wasted over a year
trying to get you to love me
only to be left staring at my bed
and thinking how it looks so empty.

I'm constantly telling myself I'm over it
but I'm starting to think that's untrue
because thoughts of you creep in
no matter what I do
I try to drown them out
but every word of every song
brings me back to you
and against my will I catch myself
gladly singing along.
When the thoughts of you persist
I'll pick up a new book
but somehow find your name
in every word, sentence and phrase
Yet I keep reading
keep turning the page.
I try to shut you out and shut my eyes
yet you find your way in every dream
and instead of waking up
I eagerly go back to sleep.

No strings attached...
But what about the ones attached to my heart
And wrapped around your finger?
Just one pull and I crumble
Just one flick of the wrist
And I come undone.
No strings attached,
Isn't it great?
Yeah, until you move your hand.

And my heart breaks.

That crushing realization
That no matter what you do
Or how hard you try
You'll never mean as much to them
As they do to you.

I'm not the kind of girl guys want to date.
I don't know how to do my hair
make-up, or nails.
I don't even know
how to dress myself
most of the time.
I'm awkward.
Unsexy.
Crazy.

I don't know how to dance
but I know how to throw a football.
I don't know how to cook
but I can make a basket
from the free throw line.

I'd rather go camping
than stay at a resort

I'm always
"one of the guys"
and never
the girl
guys wants to date.

Every time I see you on campus
(which is every ******* day now)
I get absolutely frantic
I'm filled with sheer terror
and I start to panic.
My thoughts dart all around
my heart freezes up
all my organs forget how to function
and I fix my eyes to the ground
to be sure not to make accidental eye contact

and I'm a fool
because you walk right on by
more than likely unaffected
from what I can see
while I'm contemplating
moving to a different country.
some force of nature
clearly ******* hates me.

My brain can't form coherent thoughts
my head is a jumbled mess
I can't sleep. I can't think.
I'm not as fine as I said I'd be.
Turns out I'm not so strong
I'm fragile. Incredibly weak.
My mind constantly betrays me
even with my eyes shut.
I'm not okay.
You ****** me up.

I finally figured out why you don't want me.
You don't think I'm good enough for you
You've got me starting to really believe it.
I never thought a guy could do that to my mental health.

And I've been too busy wondering why we're not together
that I haven't had the time to notice
that being in love with you
is making me hate myself.

Sometimes at night
when I'm laying in bed
my mind won't shut off
and I get this weird feeling
                                             it's almost as if I'm sinking.

I close my eyes so tight
to try to shake this feeling
but my brain is playing reels
of film that are looping
in all the worst parts.

Then when I fall asleep
I have these dreams
where everyone just leaves me
and I try to shout out to them
but I wake up, my throat sore
almost as if I'd been screaming.

So I spend the next few hours
staring up at the ceiling
and I have this weird feeling
in my chest, in my stomach
and the only way I can
even try to describe it is-
                                         it's almost as if I'm sinking.

Some people are afraid of flying
out of fear of falling from the sky
but I've been falling for so long
with no end in sight
so you see,
when I'm soaring above the clouds
I dream of the plane falling down
because at least I know
I'll finally hit solid ground