Some days
I want to open my window
and throw my phone
as far as I can
and never talk to
any of those *******
ever again.



(Not like they'd notice the difference anyway.)

I love the feeling
when you're not TOO drunk
but jsut drunk enough
where everything feels like a movie
and you're laughing hysterically
at things that shouldn't be that funny
and you're in a car
that's driving too fast
and your life isn't yours
(thank "god")
so you can breathe for once
and sigh in relief
and just let go.

But it seems like
substances are the only thing
that can make me happy these days
I wonder what that's all about
and what will happen
tomorrow morning
when I have to wake up?
I hope that I don't have to find out.

Stupid heart
It's like you have a radar
for finding guys
you can never have
and choosing them
to fall in love with.

Stupid brain
For thinking that maybe
just this once
you should ignore your instincts
and go for it anyway

Stupid girl
for already knowing the outcome
but still being heart broken by it.

You're all so ******* stupid.
(And thanks to you,
I'm in pieces.)

Something happened
that night
when you kissed me
in the bed that
you share with your wife.

Something wrong
and forbidden
but almost forgotten
as it's been years
since I've gotten butterflies.

But I quickly grabbed
the sharpest knife
sliced open my chest
and grounded each of
those little ******* to ash.

And I left their remains
right there
on the pillow
in the bed that
you share with your wife.

Most people don't know just how crippling loneliness can be
It can creep up so suddenly,
clenching its jaws so tightly,
you can't breathe.
     I can't breathe.
Oh, you think you're free?
You think you can escape so easily?
The darkness, it follows you,
swallows you.
Sure, one might argue
"But you've got great friends,
and a man that loves you..."
While all that is true,
it taunts me,
haunts me,
deep down to the bone.
I'm all alone
     I'm alone.

I was 12
when my older brother told me
that my teeth looked like
those of a rabid dog
That was the first time
I really took a look in the mirror
and felt ugly.

I was 13
when I first dragged a blade
across my skin
trying to drain the ugliness
straight from my veins.
That was the first time
that I felt in control.

I was 14
when a friend told my teacher what she saw
and I came home to my parents
sitting in the living room waiting
for me to show them.
That was the first time
that I felt betrayed.

I was 15
when I was forced to see a therapist
who stared at me with knowing eyes
waiting for me to spill
something other than my own blood.
That was the first time
that I realized how easy it is to lie.

I was 16
when I wanted to end my life
I said a few goodbyes
to some people at school
and nobody tried to stop me.
That was the first time
that I felt helpless.

I was 18
when a friend killed himself
making me realize what I didn't
have the guts to do
was the best thing I've never done.
That was the first time
I realized I wanted to live.

Now I'm 20
finally having the courage to write
what I've been waiting to for years.
No longer ashamed of my past
because it's made me who I am.
This is the first time
that I felt brave.

I keep hoping you'll try to reach out
and I know I sound naive
but I can't accept the fact
that you could just abandon me.
How could someone do that,
hurt someone so deeply
leaving them broken-hearted
and walk away like it was easy?
I can't be the only one hurting
you can't just move on with your life
leaving me behind
as if I meant nothing. (Did I?)
I can't be the only one miserable
the only one that can't sleep at night
There's no way you could be happy
There's no way. Right?
How can you walk all over me
and leave me shattered on the floor
there has to be an explanation
there has to be something more
I have to be on your mind
Thoughts of me in your head
because you can't guiltlessly
just leave me for dead. (Can you?)
How can you whisper false promises
then completely break my heart
to promptly act like I don't exist
simply press restart
This can't have been just one big lie
You have to be broken too.
You have to.
Are you?

I don't want to talk
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel this pain
I'd rather stay asleep
But unfortunately for me
I can't ever escape you
not while I'm awake
and not while I dream.
You said you saw me for me
and you'd fight by my side
conquer the darkness within
and the demons in my mind
You said that in the end
it'd be you and me
so I didn't even expect
that you would suddenly leave.
There's a constant loop
that's playing in my head
"You are unworthy of love
You will never be enough"
I try to block it out
but it just won't shut up.
You took off with my heart
and I can't get it back
I don't deserve to be loved.
You taught me that.

How does it feel
to wake up each morning
happy to be alive

to have a sense of direction,
a purpose in your life.

How does it feel
to be loved by someone
truly, completely

to not be caged by anxiety,
able to live freely.

Please tell me how it feels
to belong,
to fit in

to feel beautiful
comfortable in your own skin.

How does it feel
to feel
anything
except for sad
and alone

I would love to know.

All the unavailable men come out to play
when their significant others are away

But every night
I go to sleep alone
and they return
to their homes
with their girlfriends,
fiances and wives.

Then I do this stupid thing
yeah, I fall for them-
these men
with girlfriends
fiances and wives

I make them choose
(hoping they'd choose me)
and I always lose to
their girlfriend
fiances and wives.

And I'm still alone
and I'll never win
I really ought to stop
getting involved
with unavailable men.

I'm slowly unraveling
leaving bits and pieces of me
everywhere that I go
and I'm trying to back track
to pick myself  up
but each time I try
the pieces disintegrate.

If only I can find a way
to get back my heart
which I left in your bed
(which I'm sure by now
you've kicked to the floor)
I could possibly
stitch myself up
But when I look into your eyes
and see only indifference
I realized, to my dismay
that I'll never get it back.
So I'll live out my life
waiting,
for the rest of me to decay.

I've polished off my secret stash of pills
I've drank all of the alcohol in the house
Now all I have left
is to actually feel.

****.

I hate that I can still smell you
On my sheets long after you leave
Because when I fall asleep at night,
(Alone, like always)
It's your scent I breathe.
It's a constant reminder that I'm lonely
And that you don't love me
(you only love to **** me)

Every second that passes where you don't love me back is killing me
and I've been starting at the hands of the clock
just begging that they'll stop

Nobody ever writes how physically painful heart break is
Stomach clenched, lungs gasping for air
Chest caving in

They write that "love is patient, love is kind"
Then how come I'm in love
and feel like I want to die?

Turn myself to stone
to further avoid these feelings
turn my heart cold
to prepare for what's to come
scrape out my insides
make me emptier than I already am
I'm just a hollowed out tool
use me.

I'm selling myself short
giving myself away for free
loneliness knows no price
and if nobody can like me for my thoughts
my personality, my heart
at least they like my body
and how I let them
use me.

I've been in love with you
for so long
that I've lost track
so why does it surprise you
that I'm going to feel incomplete
until you love me back?

I constantly act stronger than I really am
I'm a big girl, I can handle it
It's fine, I'm fine I always claim
When behind closed doors
I break down
Every time I think of your name.

And you think we can just be friends
After everything we've been through
Like it's that simple
To just stop loving you...

I can't forgive myself.
I can't even like myself.

I can't look in the mirror
without wanting to shatter my reflection
into a million pieces
and use the broken glass
to draw a thick line
straight down my wrist

Not enough to die
(well, maybe.)
Just enough to feel alive.

And everyone says I need to give myself a break.
But I can't
because I'm the one human being
that I just can't seem to love.
(and nobody else can seem to, either)

I don't miss you anymore*.
I've finally moved on
but it sneaks up on me sometimes
when I hear certain songs
and I get to thinking
of what we were,
all we had,
what we could have been,
all of our plans.
And I can't help but choke back the tears,
as I habitually sing along.
But I don't miss you anymore.
Yeah, I've finally moved on...

No matter the distance
or the setbacks,
the sticky situation
and the bad rep,
we were meant to be,
me and you
music to my ears
you're all I wanna see
let's meet in the middle
start a life together
you and me.

At times I think way too much and when I need to, I don't think at all
I wish there was an in between so I could stop thinking myself into this depression  that digs me deep into the ground where I can see the worms, I am one of the worms,
and the dirt is so tight around me that I can't even move, I can't even squirm.
When I try to speak, it all falls in into my mouth and all that comes out are chokes and gasps for air that is not there but miles above my head where the grass grows green.
I can't make my way up so maybe if I keep going down I'll come out on the other side of this earth where I can be in a foreign place and start new without this hurt.
The magma in the center will burn me to ash but I'll find my way to the surface with a different kind of mass
and I'll be in every plant
and I'll be in every tree
and every time you take a breath, I'll be in the air you breathe.
My soul will go on forever because it's all you'll feel and it's all you'll see
and I'll never be forgotten because you'll all be me.

You've got me writing cliche love poems
and listening to Taylor Swift songs
You've got me sleeping as much as possible
just for the chance to see you in my dreams
You've got me spending all day miserable
because I can't be where you are
You've got me finding any excuse to text you
or doing anything to make you smile
You've got me going completely crazy
acting like those kinds of girls I laugh at.
You've got me
But I don't have you.