To the kid that no one sits with at lunch
To the kid that has no friends
To the kid that can't feel love
To the kid that forgot how to smile
To the kid whose parents say "why'd I have to have one like this?"

To the kid who has to inflict pain to know they're still alive
To the kid who's in an endless cycle of depression
To the kid who has funky colored hair
To the kid who has no hair
To the kid that gets battered and bruised for who they are

To the kid that yearns for attention they never get
To the kid that can't think straight
To the kid that isn't straight
To the kid that can't feel what life should be

Depression. That's all you feel
You can no longer tell what's fake and what's real
And the voices in your head-the real you is what they conceal
They tell you to pick up that knife
That's what'll make it better
So you bleed and you scream
and you plead and you try to deem
What's right and what's wrong
But in the end, is anything really....right?

Put down the knife and think back....
You're here for a reason
And no matter what that reason may be, you serve a purpose
If you think long enough, that image might start to surface
You're here for a reason...

It drives me.

Colliding my heart and my soul.

A night of wondering.

A voice in the dark.

Memories come
memories go.

I lie awake all night.

Even counting sheep don't help me sleep.

Sweet insomnia
excitements symptom.

I close my eyes
and I come alive.

These are the days my friend,
before it all begins.

Revel in these days.

Sweet insomnia comes to me when I close my eyes
my mind drifts
my heart flutters.

My body never to rest.
Forever locked in her sweet sleepless embrace
I bend knee and let insomnia in
ever to wander the gloom.

I don't want to go to sleep
for I am afraid that you will be there
You will be right beside me
and everything will be like it was
That isn't even the nightmare
No the nightmare begins when I open my eyes

You are no longer there
and that is when the true pain begins
I can't go back to sleep
so Night again becomes the Enemy
My old familiar Friend
The late night sounds and music
that fills my room is starting to feel like home

*Who needs sleep anyway?

You came over last night
Put your arm around me like you used to
I wanted to cuddle in
I wanted to pretend that we were us again
But then starts that deep nagging feeling knowing this is a mistake

You shouldn’t hold me
I shouldn’t cuddle
We aren’t us anymore
We will never be there again
And my heart cannot continue to take this push and pull

I want you so badly sometimes that I don’t know why I chose to walk away but I know it was for the best

Just need to be reminded as to why..

I think I understand now why I keep my room so messy

When I declutter the physical, I have to acknowledge all of the emotional
the idea of not feeling good enough, responsible enough, bold enough
As long as there is **** everywhere, I don't have to focus on the unseen and the stuff no one is able to see

The constant depression

The having to convince myself I am okay. The self-doubt I feel about maybe not being able to afford to live my dreams and to have the lifestyle that I so desperately want to have.

I know that none of this is real and it is all my perception so I clean out the trash, do the laundry and put the physical together so that I can truly begin to handle, no surviving NO thriving in the emotional aspects of my Life.

You think I am okay
You think I am handling everything so well.. almost heartlessly
Do you know that I cry everyday?

That I have cried everyday for the past six months

That is
26 weeks
183 days
4,380 hours
262, 801 minutes

Six months of waking up and no knowing if I am okay, if I will survive

Six months of coping, dealing, drugging, ******* and leaving. Six months of brokenness. Six months of hollow.

So when you look at me or get drunk and say those words, I wish I could scream in your face.. 26 weeks of tear stained mascara running moments all so we could stay friends.