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 Nov 2018 Stephanie
egghead
We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
Or
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
Silence.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you
Heart.

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.
Inspired by the Vanity Fair article of André Aciman's reaction to his book *Call Me By Your Name* being made into a movie. Specifically the quote, "I couldn't write silence."
I LIKE TO SAY YOUR NAME

I like to say
your name

when you're
not here

turn you
into sound

conjure you out of
thin air

so that you appear
before me

dressed in sound
only

memory sketching in
the rest of you

as if sound
was just an outline

and love
colours you in

adding the voice last
so I can hear you say.

"Hello you..!"
and there you are

as present
as present

can be.

I like to say
your name

when you're
not there.
 Nov 2018 Stephanie
Elinor
I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.
never trust anyone who doesn't like coldplay.
 Sep 2018 Stephanie
Mia
I think I killed somebody
But you can’t tell anybody
It was just one simple body
A soul of a nobody

I had hands that ached to be claws
And feet that dreamed to be saws
I had eyes that sharpened into arrows
And lips that sharpened into blades
I had a tongue that was very splintered
And hair of thickened rope

It was the brain that leaked its poison
It was the ******* from which one drank
It was the heart that made one numb
But it was the thighs that slit its neck

I didn’t mean to do it
Yet I just heard a secret
It pounded at the bones in me
My skin couldn’t keep it
I never knew before then
What was thicker than blood

I think I killed somebody
But you can’t tell anybody
It was just one simple body
A soul of a nobody
I was bipolar and you were depressed
I felt so alone in your company
You wanted me to cut myself
But I need your love.
So...

I have brought my wounds; but even
so you did not want my love.
I brought all my melancholy, all my depression but even then you rejected my love.
You said we could only be friends.

And even though you know that you do not love me.
I've danced for you.
I had to undress my soul for you.
I had to undress all my shame.
And I ignored all my pain, that you gave me your love.
I just wanted you to love me like I love you.
You said:  we have to live fast to die young.
I just wanted you to see what I was like on the inside.

I wanted you to say you loved me.
You said it was something wrong.
But now it's dawn and I dance for you.
I dance for you because I need your attention.
I am in my deepest and most desperate feeling for you.
I descended and climbed mountains of emotions
I wanted you to let me into your heart.
But you started a war.
You make me feel like I'm hard to love.

But you still rejected it.
When I was a fire, no one was here.
I burned inside every day.
And to keep my head sane.
I lay on the ground on the summer sun.
No one wanted to reach out when I gave in to love.
I was so hurt that I slept on top of my wounds.
And now you appear.
To talk about love.
But I ...
I do not want to know about love.
I do not want pain.
I do not want to be part of that wicked game that love.
I want to flow like the sea.
I do not want to feel the love to relax in my dream.
And you insist that I need to fall in love ...
The only thing I need
It's about feeling alive again.
I do not want to sell my brain, for emotions and fantasies.
Romance and poetry
For me they are no more than the fetishes of dreamy people.
I live the reality.
The reality is that love ...
It's a wicked game.
 Aug 2018 Stephanie
Kee
You don’t love me back
You don’t love me the way I love you
You don’t love me at all
It hurts to say it but that’s the truth
You don’t love me
Everything about you excites me
But you don’t find anything about me exciting
Doesn’t help that I’m thousands of miles away
One of the reasons why we couldn’t be
Someone across the country had cheated on you
And it broke you so bad
That you couldn’t love me
But there was always a “just wait for me”
And
“You’ll have my kids”
And
“We’ll be married”
And all these things that meant something then
But nothing now
And we both knew
What it would end up being
Nothing
Everything that came out of your mouth was a lie
You never loved me
You never said it
But I thought I felt it
And I loved you too
Too hard
And it broke me so bad
That I still loved you
I just couldn’t love me anymore
And sometimes I think I still do
Sometimes I don’t feel it
And sometimes it’s all too much
Still stuck on the same person from years before
Why can’t I just take the rejection
And let it go
Why can’t I just be alone
Why?
 Aug 2018 Stephanie
CP
used me
 Aug 2018 Stephanie
CP
I use men over and over again
and they don't mind
I'm humane and kind
I don't cross boundaries
I'm just a guest
we both know it and it's already been addressed.

When he undressed me he didn't ask about my father.
When he kissed me he didn't press into my heart
because that place is very ****** dark.

I use men over and over again
to feel something
to have fun
it doesn't really matter,
because we're all agreed, this is something we both need.

But you pushed and shoved, smashed and cannonballed my wall,
I didn't want you to ask or see behind my mask,
And even though I fought this fight with laughter against your shooting questions,
you pushed and shoved against my door to find out more.

You were sweet I must admit, romantic and gentle,
but there is a reason everything is compartmental.

because when you left the next day you didn't stop to check the doorway,
where you carelessly left behind my open heart and eyes.
I didn't want to share my insides because as you walked away you didn't check to see what damage you had done.
Asking questions you didn't want the answers to.

I use men but I don't ask more than I'm ready to receive,
and they agree I'm not trying to deceive,
but you blew the doors of pandoras box and left me with the mess
that I now have to try and repress
ASK THE WIND...ASK EVERYTHING THAT FLEES

I drink about you
all night long

pouring my self yet
another think

until I am
empty as a bottle

smashed
upon the floor.

Seems someone
doesn't love someone

any more. . .
Enivrez-vous, Charles Baudelaire

Poem appeared in Le Spleen de Paris or Petits poèmes en prose (published posthumously, 1869). Translated (liberally!) by Jon Andrews.

Enivrez-vous.
Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867).

Il faut être toujours ivre. Tout est là: c’est l’unique question.

Pour ne pas sentir l’horrible fardeau du Temps qui brise vos épaules et vous penche vers la terre, il faut vous enivrer sans trêve.

Mais de quoi? De vin, de poésie, ou de vertu, à votre guise. Mais enivrez-vous.

Et si quelquefois, sur les marches d’un palais, sur l’herbe verte d’un fossé, dans la solitude morne de votre chambre, vous vous réveillez, l’ivresse déjà diminuée ou disparue,

demandez au vent, à la vague, à l’étoile, à l’oiseau, à l’horloge, à tout ce qui fuit, à tout ce qui gémit, à tout ce qui roule, à tout ce qui chante, à tout ce qui parle, demandez quelle heure il est;

et le vent, la vague, l’étoile, l’oiseau, l’horloge, vous répondront: “Il est l’heure de s’enivrer!

Pour n’être pas les esclaves martyrisés du Temps, enivrez-vous; enivrez-vous sans cesse! De vin, de poésie ou de vertu, à votre guise.

* * * * *

Drink.
Always be drunk. Therein lies everything: it’s all that matters.
So as not to feel the dread burden of Time breaking your shoulders and crushing you to the earth, never stop drinking.
But what? Whether wine, poetry or virtue, the choice is yours. Whatever: get drunk.
And if sometimes, on the palace steps, in the gutter’s green grass, or in the maudlin solitude of your room, you wake up, and the drunken haze has dwindled or gone,
then ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock; ask everything that flees, everything that groans, everything that moves, everything that sings, everything that speaks: ask them what time it is;
and the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, and the clock will all reply:
“It is the drinking hour”.
To escape the fate of those tormented slaves of Time, get drunk.
Drink deep, never ceasing.
Whether wine, poetry, or virtue, the choice is yours.
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