Day in day out I ask myself
The same question again and again
I have an answer but don't speak out

How am I feeling?
Why am I holding on?
Why do I want to listen but not talk?

People tell me I'm optimistic
How can I not be?
When I have to use every smile as a stepping stone

A stepping stone that I have to preserve
I need to be like that
To see another tomorrow

Sometimes I wonder why
Other times I don't
I think leaving you behind is best

Well ****
Here I go again
Deju vu right?

I said what I said last time
As did you
Starting to feel like a habit

What happens when it breaks?
Will I ever be able to see you again?
Will it continue?

I want to make you happy but I'm starting to feel that I'm not the right person to stand by your side

Seeing oneself rip our life apart is one thing
Seeing a friend do it is the worst
I don't think I've ever felt this way before

The pain is unbearable
I don't know if I can resist staying still
It makes me want to overdose

This pain
These tears
I shouldn't be like this

Why does it hurt more than any pain ever did?

They say loyalty is the most important
I beg to differ

Honesty

If you can't give me that
Then you have nothing to give me

I never know what's happening
When this happens
I lose control

All I can see is opportunities
All I want to feel is pain
All I want to do is cry without crying

Self-Destruction
That's what I need sometimes
Feeling the pain

Seeing the bruises in my face
Feeling the throb of my head
Thinking those thoughts

I'm always alone because I can't control it

20:00 - Dinner
Alone but entertained
I like it that way

21:00 - Skype calls
Not having talked for four days
I've missed her yet the occasional silence is nice

22:00 - Fillers
Scrolling through pictures and sharing thoughts
A pleasant and calm feeling

23:00 - Rethinking
The first hypothetical theories about the day
Laughing at the slip-ups to push them away

00:00 - Reflecting
Doubting choices throughout the week
Faking a small smile

01:00 - Endurance
A familiar feeling spreads
Downcast eyes and a facade of peace

02:00 - Creative
New ideas and thoughts fill up the space
Pick and choosing which ones would hurt the most now

03:00 - Idealistic
Reading stories about happiness, pain and change
Wondering what will become of me

04:00 - Closure
Horrible thoughts tearing down the last walls
Curling up and crying again

05:00 - End
Following a familiar routine before sleep comes
Cradling the broken mind