Illya Oz

Illya Oz Apr 2018

There are...
There are times
Where every day
Just seems darker
Than the last

Where every moonset
Every sunrise
Every new day
Just feels like another
Burden to bare

When you get out of bed
It's all the same
As the day before
And nothings changed
So what's the point anymore

The people that walk by
Always talking
Never listening
Going about their business
Like they are the center of the world
Like nothing could hurt them

But they all wear masks
No one shows their true face
Not to their best friends
Nor to their closest family
Sometimes not even to themselves

So why even bother getting up
Stay in bed today
Stay in bed forever
What's the point in trying
Why does it even matter

Getting out of bed in the morning is so much harder then it should be...

#depression #anxiety #socialanxiety #masks #numb #tired #insomnia #unmotivated #exhausted #morning

Illya Oz Apr 2018

I Miss You

I miss you,
But I know you don't.
I wish you would,
But I know you won't.

I miss your (pained) smile,
And the way that you walked.
The way you (never) really,
Listened when I talked.

I miss the words your said,
Your advice I would (never) need.
How when we walked,
You would always (make me) lead.

I miss the way you (didn't) acknowledge me,
How you were always three steps ahead.
The way you would (never) hug me,
No matter what I said.

I miss you,
And I will forever.
It's ok if you forget me,
As I know our bond will never sever.

Ever since I was 7 my older brother has suffered from a type of OCD that is contamination oriented and unfortunately their OCD sees me as the source of the contamination. Because of this I have not been able to see my brother or have contact with them for over 2 years and even before that we had a very strained relationship. This poem is about the feeling of both loving and hating someone but still missing them for both reasons.

#brother #imissyou #sibling #relationship #contradictions #ocd #love #hate #regret

Illya Oz Apr 2018

Agender (acrostic)

A life without gender.
Giving me my freedom that was taken.
End to my imprisonment by gender roles.
No I am not mistaken.
Don't ask me if I'm a girl or a boy.
Either is just not me.
Rather I am a person, a human being that is free.

I identify as agender meaning I don't have agender. I'm not a girl, I'm not a boy, I'm not anything inbetween, I'm just kinda... Me.
I hope that one day people of all different gender identities can be accepted and treated equally within society, because even after all the labels and categories we put ourselves in, we are all humans and no one deserves anymore or anyless them anyone else.

#acrosticpoem #acrostic #agender #queer #lgbt #gender #identity

Illya Oz Apr 2018

Panic

The the words whizzing around my head,
A swarm of bees around my ears,
So loud I can't think,
I'm sorry what did you say?

Sometimes I'm silently freaking out in the middle of a conversation and if feels like I can't concentrate on anything or hear what anyone is saying.

#panic #panicattack #anxiety #depression #depersonalisation

Illya Oz Apr 2018

Below the elbow

Fingers sliding across my skin
Bu-dum bu-dum bu-dum
Like a car over speed bumps

Red beads on my wrist
Meaningless memories
I've tried to leave behind

Rainbow Vains
To clear the lack of colour
Tell me when it rains

The creases flowing rivers
Crisscrossing on their journey
Pulled along by strings of fate

Calluses sparce on thin skin
Protection against the common
On this irregular sphere

This poem started off because I was getting hung up over my scars. I've been self-harm free for just over 2 years now but I still don't feel recoverd. The urges went away for awhile but lately they have come back really strong and I'm really struggling to keep them in check.
Even if I do heal I'll always still be left with scars.

#scars #selfharm #depression #skin #anxiety #memories

Illya Oz Apr 2018

Seasoned Emotions

I bloom from the blossoming trees of spring,
Still young, not really knowing anything.

I'm kissed by the summer breeze,
They are trying to warm what will eventually freeze.

The a sweet autumn gusts ******* off trees,
It's no surprise I would fall with such ease.

The winter has similer tones,
But instead chills me to my bones.

#depression #anxiety #seasons #growingup

Illya Oz Apr 2018

It's been a year and I'm back

Am I forgotten
Or did I forget
I left this place
And didn't turn back

So much old poetry here
Such a naive younger self
It's been only a year
But nothing feels the same

When did I forget how to smile
When did breathing become so hard
When did I stop caring that I cared too much
When did my poetry become start to sound like a cry for help

I'm not remembered
There is no one left to remember
It's been a year
And now I'm back

Hey, I was an active user on here a year ago but left (i don't even remember why). I've started using instagram to post my poetry but recently it's gotten too dark for me to share with the people who follow me there, so of course now I'm back here to vent my frustations on a poetry wesite where no one remembers me. Hello I'm Chase, it's nice to meet you.

#anxiety #depression #forgotten #introduction #idkwhatthisis #hello