Continuous tides of connection,
Communication and touch between us,
And now silence.
Stillness.
Not a single tremor or ripple
Not even a whisper of wind.

Like the moments after a bomb drops,
you've left my ears ringing.
I don't know what I've done
To deserve this.
Silence.
Stillness.

No response.

the moments before art happens
are Agony.
like giving birth,
you're forcing out this potential for greatness
pushing this creativity
out of tiny pores in your skin

you feel like you're exploding.

brain battles heart
inner turmoil erupts
just like the layers of your skin want to do
and it all plays out to the soundtrack of
"i can't do this"

pain of birth, of explosions, of erupting
for some it is all too much
too much to bear that
we let our fear

take Control
and we cave.
put down the brush, the pen, the music,
and we step away
into regret, into sadness

the moments before art happens
are Agony.

How strange, to stand with our feet touching the same wave

I came to the ocean to forget about you
Especially at night
On nights like tonight
But here you are

And I can't help but think of how I came here to forget you
And I indulge in the thought that maybe
Just maybe there's nothing to forget right now

But then your phone DOOT doot DOOT doots
And it's her. Calling you.
******* her.
You ******* her
You calling her name out
Her calling yours
and it's tumbling out on the locked drawer in my brain
All protection I had built up
Crumbles like the sand I'm digging my toes into
Hoping tears don't come to my eyes
But they do

And suddenly everything is glassy and I can't come up with the correct responses and you know it and I'm trying to keep my breathing even and slow and I'm spiraling down like a whirlpool and I wish I could just lay down in the tide without ruining my clothes and just float away.

But I can't do that.
So I don't.
I don't know what it is about her and you and me
That has me unraveling at any mention,
But it's still too painful to sit down and analyze.
So for now, I'll settle for falling asleep with the TV on,
Trying to stop myself from wondering who you're thinking about
As you fall asleep at night.

Feelings are like astrophysics to me
I can't explain them

So when they tell me what I feared
Even if I didn't know I feared it
When they confirm that it's true
There's a whole side of you I don't know

It shakes me

And I'm sorry,
But I can't explain why that upsets me
I can't tell you how I got from point a to point b

Maybe I've got monsters living in my head, too

The faeries are out today
I can feel then tickling my skin
Riding zephyrs like kites
Dancing on the branches
Rattling leaves like maracas
Crooning like sirens in the alleys
Hear them howl

Fall is on its way

I know it in my toes,
Can feel the certainty like the gravity in my feet,
She is my replacement
The times we spoke of her character
All lip service to calm me

I know you're lonely,
And looking for a friend.
Watch your back with this one though,
I can feel the wrongness from my carefully kept distance,
Feel it in my toes!
And the toes know.
Be careful with who you trust
Be even more cautious with who you let in.

I am the starfish
That has secured itself tightly to your back.
Parasitic, I use your strength to steady me.
Clinging tightly,
Fearing the outgoing tide.
Don't let me be swept out to sea
Don't reach your strong, calloused fingers
Behind your back to pry me away.
Don't leave me for the rip current.

I know you're growing weary.
I can taste the blood risen under your skin.
Even if I lose all grip,
Muscles cramped from the strain,
I'll still leave my marks behind.
Branding you.

You'll be free, lighter even
But all who see will know,
The round in your shoulders bore the burden
So named Anxiety

Baby, I'm a thief.
I will steal your sleep
With a word,
Enticing you to shed your blankets
And walk the night with me
Like a demonic Sandman
And we'll do un-Hypnotic things
And un-Morpheus things.
Nyx would be proud.
So scurry away little boy
I will make you so sleep deprived,
You won't even remember your name
And I'll send you off in the morning
With dark circles,
Drooping eyelids,
And to accidents lying in wait for you
Beware of me, love.
I will ruin your life
As I steal your sleep.

Please
Forgive me, and goodnight.

You'll be sitting on a step
Some party raging behind you
And you'll be contemplating walking home,
Or finding that girl from earlier
The one who tangled her fingers in your hair while you kissed,
When it'll happen.
A girl, maybe 18,
Will plop down beside you,
Purposefully skin to skin,
and she'll smile.

She'll pretend she's more drunk than she is
And you'll want to protect her.
Like always.
People will be looking for you,
The life of every party now,
Inside the house
But you won't care.
This girl will tell you she's got to walk home,
And you'll take her hand,
And tell her to lead the way.
She'll lean over and kiss you,
Just like she planned she would,
Just long enough to give you the right idea.

You'll stand up together
Wobbling just a little
And she'll start walking
And you'll keep pace and a lookout.
She'll glance at you,
Hunger in her eyes
Waiting to feed off the attention you wrap yourself in,
Like an otter in seaweed.

You'll become very aware of the condoms in your pocket
You might think about how you need to buy another box
As she's the fifth girl this month to take you home

Hungry for the fame
Hungry for the attention
Hungry for the talent
But not hungry for the you inside.
And you'll know it,
I hope.

Stay safe out there, love.
I'll remember.

I cannot tell anymore
If the silence he resonates
Is the defense he fronts
To keep the closing cage of commitment at bay
A gentle reprieve from the fears divebombing like magpies
Or if this new wave is the end.
If this darkness and muffled cries  
Are a direct correlation to my bad days
Overwhelming him
Forcing him in that car
Taking him hundreds of miles away
And telling me "I can't help you."

But he can't see
I never wanted him to ride in like a savior
I don't need to be rescued.
I just wanted to show him my soul
And for him to look, really look,

And tell me he loved me.

I keep looking for evidence that you were here.
Proof that once you shared this bed.
Some something embodying our shared time.
What I do find leaves me lost.

Three and a half pairs of socks.
Steak seasoning.
Aluminum foil.
Diet orange soda.
Hot sauce.

And, if you count them,
Notes I left for you.

Sometimes it feels like I dreamt it all,
Just like I'm dreaming you'll read these poems,
The only notes I can leave for you now.
Find them, and maybe I won't be so lost anymore.
Find me.

My insides are dancing a nervous jig,
And my toes are taptaptapping the crazed beat.
All the sudden I am six again,
That scared little girl, afraid of being in trouble
But I've been accused
Accused of misleading, manipulating, and lying
To the man I trust
By the man I trust.
A capital offense, I would say.

So I lay here,
Playing the waiting game of
Figgety fingers, tapping toes, and absent appetite
Wondering where I broke your faith
Searching my motives, coming up empty-handed
Lost as to why you'd stay if you believed me false.

How can I show you the truth?

I was just a scared and lonely girl
Who wanted to share a piece of happiness
With a scared and lonely boy.

I am not here to chain you down.

I have a horrible tendency to take things too personally
To the point of tears and anger and losing my temper to the Aries hiding in my chest.
I cling tight to past wrongs and embarrassments, much longer than I suppose I should.
I criticize to the point of cruelty, a dark narrative of flinging insults from one lobe to another,
But don't worry, I get my fair share.
I judge more often than a public servant, and my sentences are always strict.
I wage war on a social anxiety that is, was, and always will be myself,
And even if the anxiety recedes, the weariness of battle ensures a losing result.
I live to escape the life I'm living;
In the stories I read, I am the brave one, the right one, the fearless daredevil:
I exercise regularly, do back flips as a hobby, and have no fear of microphones.

I talk entirely way too much about myself.
Give me a crisis and I'll make it about me.
Tell me you're having a hard time right now,
And it'll somehow be my fault.
If it's not my fault,
It'll somehow become about how my relationship with my mother has deteriorated to me listening to her last voicemail to me two years ago
Or how I fell through the rotten floor of our trailer when I was nine.
Can't think of a subject? I'll just talk about myself.
Don't believe me? Just read this poem.

Sometimes I remember what it is to be a muse.

And for that,

I am sorry for the pain I've cause you here.

Your efforts are a comfort,
But I must take care not to
Wind myself up in them, not again.
No more making nooses from the tangled web of promises.
No more lassos of hope,
For they cannot catch the wind.
And even if they could,
Wouldn't that destroy the very purpose of the breeze?
To halt movement,
To ensnare freedom itself
To trap you in love
I couldn't.

Now is the time for observing from a distance
For putting in my twenty-five cents
To the coin operated viewer
And walking away when the time runs out.
No more waiting,
No more wishing on stars,
Time to walk down the boardwalk,
And see what's really in front of me.

Somehow you dragged me onto your stage
And our personal narrative somehow became entertainment
A Saturday night special in line for review
By the very people I fear most
Your peers
And dropped lines like
"You need to love yourself"
And "why didn't you tell me you were bringing her?"
Become my crimson A of shame
It is on this stage
I can finally see
That my daydreams have become the stuff of nightmares
My worst fears of being judged
Come true.

We are explosive.
Two sticks of dynamite waiting for the match.
Just one whisper of a spark and we'll go,
Dying to impersonate the stars
Like fireworks in the night.

Fire, you and I
But different, if you know where to look.

Flames of summer
You are wild and destructive,
Spreading yourself too thin
Like wildfires in the drought
Roaring challenges at the sun.
But in the cricket-filled cool nights,
Bringing comfort and memories to the young at heart
Taming yourself for a time beneath stars that bear my sign
Burning out in the darkness before sunrise
Ready to return at first spark.

Pyre of winter,
Tamed by the frost and wind
Leaning on hearths for strength
Keeping vigil in the long night
Raging against dark and dusk and death
Yearning for what was lost in the fall
Waiting for the rebirth of spring
Sending up grey prayers to stars that bear your sign

Fire, you and I.
Born to stars of flame
Raging, roaring, writhing
At the whim of the wind
Waiting
For the spark.

Jingling in your pocket,
You hold the key to laughter.

Sometimes I just wish you would miss me as well.

Unfinished conversations
Like holding your breath
Playing the waiting game

The sun is shining
But it's still dark in my head.

New beginnings?
Yeah, the universe has a sadistic
Sense of humor.

Weightless,
Like a feather blown in the wind.
Path uncertain
Future undetermined,
I am at the whim of the breeze.
Take me away.

This is it, isn't it?
Here it is, the time.
It's staring me in the face,
Dark, lonely eyes
Weaving a tale ridden with tragedy.

Gut clenching
Hands shaking
Muscles cramping
Heart weakening
It's time, isn't it?
It's here.

Forgive me,
I knew it was close.
I didn't know
I didn't see.
I failed.

Here I am,
Though I have no right,
No connection.
I wait.
Silent.
Listening.

*It's time.

Alert
On edge.
Every single subtle sound sends me reeling.
Terrified*
I wait for the other shoe to drop.

I want to wake in the middle of the night, only conscious enough to recognize your scent, to the sensation of you pulling back my covers and climbing into bed with me. I want to drift off again, only after you’ve enveloped me with your body, to the gentle whisper of your breath on the back of my neck. My last thought before unconsciousness settles back over my mind will be your name, and how I’ve missed you.

I want to wake up
With the first tendrils of morning
Peeking through the curtains
And feel the warmth of you on my back.
I want to roll over,
Breathe you in,
And sigh with all the content that my chest can hold.
I'll look at your sleeping, relaxed features,
Recalling all the mornings and midnights like this one
Where I lay beside you and smile
Disbelieving.
Your skin is hot and sticky from the cramped space of my toosmallbed
And your breathing tends to light snores
that lull me to sleep most nights.
Your arms are stretched above your head
And I run my finger over their graceful lights and shadows.
Your back rises and falls with every glorious breath
and your eyes flutter, hidden beneath those long, dark lashes.
Blissful, I smile,
And wrap myself into you,
Wanting to soak up your essence,
And sleep in the high of your presence in my bed.

My touch rouses you briefly,
Just long enough for you to turn on your side
And wrap your arms around me,
Accepting.


But it's time to wake up for real,
And realize that all that's left
Is the memory of your embrace.

The closer you get to her, the further away you become.

Ten words cannot express the full story.
You love her,
And it scares you.

Scares you into others' arms and legs
Scares you into silence
Scares you into distance
Scares you into over-thinking
Scares you into pushing her away

And it scares you
And it's scaring her.

And the pressure is on.
What comes next?

They told me what didn't **** me would make me stronger.
They lied.
What didn't **** me made me damaged,
Defective, unable to function at "acceptable" levels.
Traumatic experiences didn't build some great wall to fortify my resolutions in life
Instead, they shook my foundations with ferocity,
Slashing cracks down my walls, crumbling rooms to rubble

They planted bombs for later,
Little surprises once the aftershocks faded
With triggers tucked away safe, wrapped up like gifts.

No, what didn't **** me made me want to disappear
Over, and over, and over.
And even almost 7 years later,
There are still detonators being uncovered.

Sure, now I know the paths to avoid
The piles of broken memories, loneliness, and displacement
To keep out of sight.
And still,
There are some days, but mostly nights
When the bombs go off in succession
And I have to bring myself back from the dark
Over. And over. And over.

And there are some nights
Where I'm the one holding the switch
I'm the one willing my world to explode into shrapnel.
And someone else has to bring me back
Over. And over.

They lied.
What doesn't **** you doesn't make you stronger,
It makes you a survivor, even if you sometimes don't want to survive.
And it leaves you with the scars every survivor bears,
Seen and unseen.

And this is where the fairytale begins to fall apart.

I want to see you
Standing there
Cigarette in hand
With a hazy halo about your figure.
Beautiful in your own right,
Enchanting.

I want to happen across you
By chance,
And whisper a four letter word.
Because I'll be frightened
Of what you may or may not say.
Afraid you've grown tired of loving me
During our shared silence.

But still.
I want to see you.
On the corner,
In the drug store,
By the bus stop,
On the street.

I want a lot of things.
But most of all,
I just don't want you to forget about me.

All that's left here are things you've forgotten.
Including me.

A cliché I've heard before
One that hits the sternum
And knocks your breath out.
And now it applies to me.

A loving friend pointed it out to me
Handed me her glasses and said,
"Take a better look, love."
And she was so right.

Seeing it clearly
For the first time in what feels like years
I know the truth,
What you see in me.

An option you don't want to lose
But will never make a priority
Above all your other
Pretty, shiny, sparkly, more interesting, more intelligent, more playful, more down-to-****, down-to-party, less uptight, less afraid, less work, less stressful,
Less me
Options.

I know I chose this
I put myself here,
Chose to walk this path
Instead of all the others.
I could still be your best friend
You could still be mine
I could pretend to have casual *** with you
If only to have those still moments in the dark after.
Instead I chose the alternative.

No more smothering you in hopes,
Expectations we'll never live up to,
And affection you don't want.
No more fighting over who gets the outside of the bed,
Or whose fault it is that I take too long in the shower,
Which position to fall asleep in.
Little spoon.

They keep telling me this is right,
This is what's best for the both of us
Since we two are in different life chapters.
(I claim chapter 46,
when Woodpecker tells Leigh-Cherie
that Love is the ultimate outlaw)

The rift I conceived when I pushed you away
Holds nothing but echos
Memories.
They tell me it's time,
But I don't need to make room in my life
When I already found my person.

I want to tell you all of it
Every syllable I could summon up
To explain
But all I can muster up are fighting words


**And *******,
I miss you.

Because when "someday" becomes "never," you'll keep wishing on stars

I wonder if the birds in the sky
Truly do look down on us lowly beings.
All we can do is walk,
While they fly
Our skill levels are subpar,
Even as we learn to walk, to run and swim and...
We'll never be as good as them.
Do they know it?
Is it a conscious thought
That birds are superior
To us walkers on the ground.

Do they think about how boring it must be for us?
Do they think of us as lesser than them?

Even though it's true,
Like many things in life,
It would hurt worse to know
That they pride themselves on their superiority.

Strange, the place you've taken us,
Stranger, features once familiar turned vague
Darkness behind eyes once effervescent
Well-meaning lies
To cover up the scent of drowning

You're falling,
And it's not with love.
It's with fear, and chains,
Suffocation and denial.
Not only are you sinking,
A hole in your hull the size of your need for a bottle,
You refuse rescue.

Like sitting on the edge of a wishing well,
The fountain water sprinkling my face,
And there you are,
The penny flipping end over end
About to hit rock bottom.

And no matter how I try,
You keep slipping through my fingers.

I'm supposed to be writing. . .

where did the words go?

So many years of lies and cheating

I have to keep reminding myself,
You are not them, you are not them, you are not them.
You are not texting hookups behind my back,
You are not saying you love me to make me stay,
Nor are you with me out of pity, trying to fix me.

It's such a fine line sometimes, trust and naivety.
But I have to keep reminding myself,
You are true, and you are not them;
You would not do what they did,
Or say what they said.


They never tell you how hard it is to actually be happy once you've made it out of hell. It haunts you with every unexplained smile.

I always thought that the rain was yours
That she was calling to you as she fell from the sky
But I think now that I had it all wrong.
You are the rain.

You are satin, smooth, and sweet
You are turbulent, tortured and torrential
Darker, mysterious
I love listening to you as I fall asleep.

You make me feel safe,
Like I want to curl up in my bed,
Humming with warmth beneath the covers.

You are the rain.
Sometimes thunderous, sometimes twinkling
There is no sweeter song.
Bubbling, falling, dancing, tumbling, diving, pounding, anguished, and oh so sweet

You are the rain.

Coward.**
You can't even cut the cord
On promises you don't intend to keep.
Drunken wishing words once spoken
Asking for time
Time to grow
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Why grow up man up speak up be up own up break up
When you can just sit back and enjoy the ride?
The calendar will end it for you soon enough,
What's the point in saying it before time runs out?
And she's a smart girl right?
She'll figure it out on her own,
She might not even need you to say it.
Score.

Or how about your friend that you didn't stand up for?
No, you'd rather keep quiet
While your current and ongoing **** buddy besmirches a friend's reputation.
Why step in, none of your business,
Right?
Why risk losing good ***?

Whatever happened to vigilante justice?
Whatever happened to standing up for what was right?
So focused on physical altercation,
You can't see right in front of you the damage being done.
Don't you see that sometimes justice doesn't resemble
Dressing up in skate pads and a leather jacket?
Sometimes it just takes a sentence,
"Hey, I heard what you said about my friend,
That's not okay."

Too scared to let someone you love down,
Even when it's the whole hearted truth.
A truth you **** well owe them if you know.
Too scared to stand up for your friends in the face of ******* and ****** gratification.
A quite literal ******* coward.

What did I ever see in you?

Drunken admissions,
Confessions, decisions, and statements
Can they be trusted?
Because some would argue that
Drunk words hold true meaning,
But drunk actions lack thought.
So which is it?
Is it either?
Because your pattern of opening up when drunk
Has me doubting your promises.
You don't think she's a bad person,
And it doesn't make it easier.
You like her
And she's like you
And that's what makes it easier.

Challenge my self perception
Show me that I am not the only vault you keep
And I am not the singular candle in the window
Nor am I your solitary partner in crime
I, alone, do not shoulder the weight of your world.

And that,
Is okay.

I'm not sure why
But everyone keeps talking about their mothers, lately.
Maybe it's because springtime reminds us of birth
Or perhaps it's because Mother's Day is next month.

I don't know.

But it's got me thinking of you, Mom.
It reminds me of when I barely reached your belly button
When you'd take me in the garden
And show me your green thumb miracles.
I think back on nights when the stars would sing for us
And you would point out which constellations were ours.
So many secrets and stories to be told.

I wonder which state you're burning through
Which highway you're on
And what flowers have captured your attention today.
It's springtime, after all.

Do the redbud trees remind you of me?
Of the long drives to town
When I would drone on like a honeybee
About those delicately beautiful petals.
Me, I smile despite myself when I see the forsythia unpack their trumpets,
And when the irises grow their beards.
You always had a way with flowers.


Even when your words would slur,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you would pass out and burn dinner,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you stopped coming home at night,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you packed your things and left,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when you didn't get better,
You always had a way with flowers.
Even when I stopped answering your calls,
You always had a way with flowers.

You always did.
I guess you always will.

Amongst the forest of your ribcage
Pounding feet muffled by moss beds
Racing and weaving betwixt a wig of vines
Elusive artist, gymnastic god

Can I catch him?
Do I dare try?

If I ever did, or could,
Reach out and ****** his wrist
Would I not ensnare him?
Like severing the flower from her stem,
Wishing to keep hold of her forever,
But just like her petals, he would wither.

No.

I will not tear through these woods that are not my own,
To entwine him around my finger.
He was not made for capture, but to captivate.
This is not a hunt,
It is a game of tag
And I will burn after him
If only for one touch
Before he sprites away again.

A wood elf and his girl
Making love in the forest of your ribcage.

Still sleeping with the tv on


Missing your light snores