You miss me.
At least, I think that's what this means.
That when our eyes meet in passing
And I can feel your melancholy from 20 feet away,
That when you confess you've been listening to mixes made just for you,
That when I had to leave and we embraced
It felt like clinging to a cliff-face,
That maybe it all meant that you missed me.

When you went looking for me at work,
When you squinted into the windows as you passed
Looking for me to be there
Were you thinking of me?
Were you missing me?

Tell me something,
When you're with her,
Do you think of me?
When you're kissing her neck in passionate moments,
Do I ever cross your mind?
When you're about to fall asleep at night,
Those moments before unconsciousness seeps into your skin,
Am I passing through your thoughts?

You miss me, maybe.
I can't quite tell for sure,
So I rely on hope.
But darling,
You beautiful, shattered, bittersweet soul,
I miss you to the depths,
So much sometimes that it steals my breath.

The problem with writer's block
Is that it isn't some mystical thing,
Some boogeyman hiding in our inkwells
And under our notepads.
It is simply one term
Encompassing a number of ailments.

Writer's block is being incapable of settling on a topic.
It is incessant song stuck in our head,
Preventing us from thinking up our own verse.
It is the checklist of errands and responsibilities
We may have forgotten that day.

Writer's block is remembering we forgot to turn off the oven,
Or the TV
Or the lights in the kitchen,
Just as we sat down with a pen.
It is the ominous cloud of self-doubt
That chases away an semblance of a first line
Or a second
Or a conclusion.
It is the sticky, complacent boredom,
Or the absence of motivation.
And sometimes it is the lack of desire,
Like a fire dying down
No flames here, but the embers still hot with potential
We wait for new wood to burn.

It is the fear of criticism,
The self-loathing that we discredit ourselves with,
And it manifests is all forms
Or just one.

It is a gift,
The mark of a writer,
Like the calluses from our pens
And it is also our curse.
Literature's hazing technique,
Weeding out those that would give up on her
At first signs of resistance.
Persist,
And call yourself a true writer at heart.

It's like some well-kept secret...


Shhhhh, don't tell Evie!

Like her mother,
Her desires before her children.

It continues.

Since we met,
a day has not gone by



Where I do not think of you.

When I wake up in the morning,
It will be a new day
And the beginning of a new life.

And the sun will be shining.

He was more frail than even I,
Thought I might break him
If I held him too tightly
And there was a gentleness to his touch,
Not marking my skin like newfound territory
Only invisible ink of sweat and saliva
To mark the path we chose
Tucked away now like a treasure map

He is the swatch of new paint on the wall
If I look at it hard enough,
The old color falls to give way
And my imagination can rest here
A reprieve from grief
A newly claimed corner of my mind
Safe from memories of love and pain

It doesn't fix anything
But it makes this easier
And that
Is enough for me

Each new year brings the same question

             What comes next?

There was a time when I dreaded the morning shower,
For fear of washing you off of my skin.
I wanted to carry you with me, always.
Cherished your touch, scent, warmth.

Now I dread the night and the dreams that come with it,
For fear of seeing your face,
As I know I will.
There is no escaping the numbing anguish
Of longing for your touch, scent, and warmth.

Not even in unconsciousness.

Looking back on how it all crumbled
Now that the dust has settled
It still looks the same
The same jagged, torn, scalding cuts
Sliced into my flesh with a glance
No clinical approach to it
Just a peek, and it burns like hell
A lingering, slow burn
Like the chemical variety.
Fitting, considering your chemistry.

There's no other way to see it.
Your choices that weekend
Still echo in the caverns of my veins
And on slow mornings like this one,
I can't breathe for the striking,
Astringent slap in the face it still is
Like being thrown into an ice bath.
And here I still lay,
Floating like an ice cube, frozen
Asking the same questions:

Why?
And
How could you?

Leave without saying goodbye?
That is a capital offense, sir.

My liver is getting strangled by my intestines
My stomach is eating holes out of itself
And I'm sitting here in dumbfounded stillness
Wondering
"What's next?"

It's all still here
It's been waiting for me
Since I left it here in anger
This maze of wrong turns and traps
Of mistakes and misdirection

And still
I am no better at solving these puzzles
Than I was months ago.
The uncertainties and anxieties
The mysteries and the caution
Still hiding in the paint on the walls
Hanging on the hinges
Blowing in the sea -wind
They haunt me
Keep me company
Follow me.

Someday it will end,
Inevitable, I was told.

Even then,
Even when all is done and finished
Will I still think of you?


Will you still think of me?

Anxiety pulls my intestines out through my belly button
As I wait in silence for The Verdict.
Fear, a rabid dog, lashes out at my feet with every retracing step.
Time is both an enemy and an ally
Here, where darkness sears every eye into blindness.
I would see your face,
Would it not bring both Exuberance and Despair as gifts to my heart.

I would beg of you,
Could my mouth but move for the irons locked around it,
Prove Fear and Despair wrong.
Let Distance and Silence not calcify your heart and affection.
I plead of you to fight for your warmth,
Do not let the cold win
Though it may be easier.

Don't forget me for nothing but a mistake,
A passing thought in your life
With no significance but the confusion you once felt.
Please.
Give me something to trust.

In college, going home was always a reprieve
Well, until it wasn't.
Those awkward moments when you'd walk in on an argument,
Or when you had chores again
Like slipping back into your childhood skin
But it was a little tight, constricting.

But home made my chest hum,
No matter how tight the skins I wore became.
Home was a historic ranch with a view of the skyline
It was washing dishes with a view
And spending more time on the porch than in the living room
Home was the first place that actually felt like more than just a house.

Home had a yard, and friendly *** who mowed it
Home was walking outside to the smell of fried dough
Mouth watering for a fresh doughnut down the street.
Home was a garage turned art studio,
Bugs and all
Home was fighting over a single, small bathroom.
And it was just a couple minutes walk into the city.

Cityscapes, always changing.
Now, home is a green field, awaiting development
Home was ripped from beneath us like the run down houses two summers before.
Home is gentrification,
Only a few steps from the balcony of wealthy young professionals
Cozied up in their overpriced studio apartments.
Home still smells of doughnuts
And the driveway in the sidewalk is still there
Home still brings back our perennials,
White, purple, and pink.
Home cannot be taken from us,
She is woven into our very fibers,
But she can never be touched again.

Home was sold, beaten, bulldozed, and cleared away.
Home is just a memory.
But I will still drive by,
Smell that sickly sweet air,
And pick some of her flowers.

Here's to you, my love.

I know your frame
Too well
For you to be
Just a face in the crowd

I close my eyes
Exhale
Disbelief flutters in my stomach
As you drape your arm over my side
Your hand slides up my stomach
And you fingers find my hand.
I think I forgot to breathe.
The air feels full of static
My lungs tingle with the shocks

You pull yourself close
Nip my shoulder.

I think I might catch fire from the explosions
My nerves dance
All the way to my toes
I curl them up instinctively

We lay there, breathing
Inhale
You smell of campfire, alcohol, and J
So delicious, tantalizing,
I want to fill my chest with your scent

You pull me close to you
Breathe in
Ecstasy
I roll to face you
Afraid, hesitant
This could still all be in my head.
Slowly, I look up to meet your eyes
Captivated
Blues, greens, hints of yellow gold
Universes, built of all your intricacies and thoughts

Clinging to you, I am frozen
Afraid of this dream that will end any moment
Scared that you will wake up,
And realize that moments like these
Are dead to you.
But you don't,
The dream continues

I'm staring at you
You're staring at me
Suspended in time, waiting

Suddenly
You're kissing my neck,
Hands in my hair,
Pulling me closer, pulling me in
Surprise meets bliss
And I cling tighter, nails on your skin
Surrendering, I fight to keep up
Kissing, holding, feeling you

We break apart.

Your eyes are wide,
I smile, almost laughing in ecstasy
Your eyes grow intense,
And we slowly, hesitant,
Lean close
And intertwine once more.

Smooth and seamless.
Our bodies remember even if our minds forget.

The panic is setting in.
It started in my ankles,
Shivering its way up
To the sweat on the back of my knees.

Creeping,
Crawling up my thighs in goosebumps
Chills.
It reaches its slimy, mangled claw
U
P
And clenches my stomach,
Digging into my diaphragm
And pulling down.

Breaths turn fragile,
Like butterflies taking flight
Light
And shallow.

The panic
Has set in.

There is something in the play of your eyes
A mischievous glint
A promise of laughter
A whisper of guilt
A threat of tears

Something in the way you move
Like you could be diving into the perfect somersault
Or in front of a bus
Every movement
Like it could be your last

Something in the quiet of your breathing
On nights when we shared the same bed
Something about how you reached for my hand
Even in sleep, present
Peaceful yet turbulent
Your body couldn't stay still.
Even in unconsciousness, restlessness took you from bed
To roam the house at night

More and less
The Paradox

I'm tossing pebbles into the dark
Please toss one back

I look up at the stars


And I see you.

Baby, I'm a pessimist.
There's no situation I can't find disaster in
I'm smooth and quick on the downfall
Ready to give up hope at every stoplight.

Vending food to hungry dollar signs,
I sell my faith in humanity with every transaction
Each meal comes with a slice of my dignity.

I beg for even one person to surprise me,
Shake my prediction from their shoulders,
All to no avail.
Predictable, granted, solidified in their selfishness

At 3 in the morning,
They're all looking for someone to go home with,
Someone to tell them they have worth,
And they'll willingly bare their teeth should you get in the way.

It's not beautiful anymore,
Watching this dance called humanity.
It's ugly and self-gratifying
And only rarely is Care shown to anyone but children.

We lie, manipulate, and steal from one another
Killing the very earth beneath our feet
And somehow I am still supposed to hope for something better?
I lost that hope when I was still a child,
And the stump left in its place shows no signs of growth.

Baby, I'm a pessimist.
Which is to say,
I'm an *******.

When I feel down
I like to think on all the phases in which I've loved you.
From the fragile flame of our brief beginnings,
To the tangled legs and songs of our second chance,
And I smile every time
I come back to the present,
And dwell in the me that belongs with you.

"I can't wait"
You know what, love?
I call *******.

Sometimes it is enough just to be near you
Within proximity of your smile and laugh
I am in silence,
But I know, somewhere nearby,
You're amidst all the noise,  
All the life
And it makes me feel just a little bit stronger.

Finally,
It happened.
Laying in bed
I can feel the emotional hangover coming on.
Words play on repeat in my head
Words like "one night stand,"
"Guilt," "Pain," "Solitude."
Over and over
Intermingled with the aftershocks
Of Mom's messages.

An emotional hangover.

Guess it's time to start
Picking up the ******* and broken things
Left over from the night before.

My left hand has resorted to pins and needles
Heels keep bouncing, won't stay down
Restless recklessness making my skin crawl
Like a live, exposed wire

I need to burn.

Razors and cigarettes, like magnets,
Calling my touch.
Like a sacred ritual,
I'd sacrifice myself for desire
Hopes and dreams be ******
I'd light that fire.

Let me burn.

I'd be the light on the coast,
Warning of the dangers below
Whispers in my sirensong
Beckoning you to harbor home
Sending up prayers in my smoke

Tie me to the pyre.
Strike the match.
Watch me burn.

Like a sunset
Nothing gold can stay.

Calling all heros
Tonight
Would be a night for rescuing

Breathe in sleep, my dear
For, waiting in the darkness,
Hopes and dreams await

It's hard to remember sometimes
That the world doesn't see you through rose tinted glasses like I do.
So when I encourage you to chase after your dreams,
I can't help but feel responsible
When they laugh at the way you run

I thought I was growing tall,
Making progress,
Even if that meant outgrowing you.
Turns out those pains weren't growth at all
They were cracks in my foundation,
And all it took was one taptaptap from you
To make me *snap

I can't help but wonder what I did
Uncertain, unknowing.
What made you stay
But the moment you were away,
You just kept on running.
What magic trick were my hands weaving
Behind my back, unseen, unfelt?
What did I do to make you stay,
Am I guilty of manipulation?
Because once you stepped out that door,
You were never coming back,
And yet,
Before you left,
Before you took those steps
You said it was difficult, painful
That you didn't want to.

So what made you stay?
And what's making you run away?

Lying on this twin mattress reminds
Me of the times we'd squeeze two in one
Like some kind of intimate sale.
50% off my full sized bed
Landing me here,
Listening for your snores
But finding none.

You're about to reach terminal velocity
With the biggest grin on your face
Symbolically giving your dad the ultimate *******.
The only way you know how,
Plummeting to the earth like a raindrop

I mean, after all,
You are the rain.

But there you go
No fear, no anxiety,
Just weightlessness
For a few seconds, maybe more
How should I know,
I've never jumped out of a plane before.

If I know you at all,
You'll be thinking of him the whole way down.
Wish I could be there.
You'll be truly happy, if only for a moment
Because I know,
This is the last way to feel close to him anymore,
To flirt with death,
To peek through the curtains to the underworld,
To try to catch a glimpse, or maybe a shiver,
An impression of his essence, his soul.

You might even judge yourself for humoring such whimsy.
But don't you remember,
Those who shun the whimsy of things
Will experience rigor mortis before death.
So flirt with death if you must.
Do every stupid thing,
But please promise to come back.

Fight.
Purgatory was never meant to be your home.
Escape.
Don't relent when the maze locks you in.
Fight of your demons, love,
In whatever ways you deem necessary.
Live.

Wander back
And flash me that tortured half-grin.

*What do I think of that?
I think it could make the world a better place.

The vest grows heavy on my shoulders
Fuse in one hand
Match in the other
Fingertips practically itching to act.

Why is it so hard to self destruct?
I've got all the required materials right here
Why can't I be just like them
Loose with words and actions
Spreading myself like cloudcover?

They've got me thinking
Maybe if I could just explode
Pulverize myself into tiny bits
In that brief moment
Of becoming nothing from something
I'll forget your scent
Your eyes and your voice
That for a heartbeat, if only just one
Your name won't be pulsing through my veins

Even if it was the last thing on my lips.

Like two overstuffed pillows long forgotten in the attic
Slammed together in a great concussion of sound
BLOOF
All those particles of god knows what flying into the air,
We call them bunnies
because it's safer than acknowledging all the creepy crawlies now flying into our nostrils
I am shaking the dust off of these lobes in my head
Clearing out proverbial cobwebs
And beating bad habits with broomsticks
Like you would an old rug.

*Shake the dust off
And start writing again.

Silence, the only thing in the world that's "ours" anymore.

It's dark here
Thick like velvet
Smothering, almost.

And you're not here.
Promises, fidelity broken
And here I am
Alone.

No you.
No us.
Just me.
And silence.

Someday,
Someone will want to be in just this bed
Laying next to me

And maybe by then,
It'll be worth it for them to stay
Because I'll have myself
Finally figured out.

Even after
All
This
Time

You still captivate me.
Picturesque in your passion
Like a lighthouse,
Channeling your energy, golden.
You shine

And though there are times when it hurts to stare
I can't look away from your flame.

Broken promises.
All it was amounted to
Was a string of broken promises.

Maybe it's time.
Time to release you
Back into the shark infested waters you call home.
And maybe it's time for me to sever
The fishing line tangled around your heart,
What holds you here.

Perhaps it has been unfair of me
To keep you
In a world so out your element,
So restricting and staggered.
So unlike your fluid currents of freedom.
Solid ground is a prison.

I know what you've done for me,
The fear of asphyxiation that you've choked down
Just to stay by my side
Night in, night out
To see me smile.

But I want more now,
More than just night
More than just a smile.
But I know you can't.

Staying means holding your breath forever
Staying means suffocating
Staying means losing yourself
The end of all freedom.
Staying means losing you all the same.

So maybe
It is time to let you be free
to become just another shark
In those waters you call home.


But then I may not be able to breathe anymore.

It's that time of year again
Where the heat turns up to 11
And suddenly I'm boiling like a cauldron over a hearth
Leaking out all my impurities.
Purging my illness like a lightweight two martinis too many.

Spring was a lie
Summer is my rebirth
And I sweat it out like the metaphorical labor I'm going through.
It's July and my ghosts of Christmas past
Have decided I'm getting too Scrooge-like, again.

Reborn, like I said,
But not without requiring a death to make room for this new life.
And in this death I am haunted,
Revisited by all those summer ghosts
Pain after pain, brought back to spark in my vision
The kind that induces goosebumps and clammy palms.

Some memories, the ones that leave you gasping for air,
Like the time you fell flat on your back from the playground ladder,
Lungs in shock, stunned
Those memories don't fade with time.
They'll disappear for a while,
Fly south for the winter months,
But that summer heat is too familiar.
They'll always come back,
Lurking in parking garages, apartment gates, and on park benches.

Winter cold may sting,
But it was winter who brought you,
And winter when you chose to stay.
It was summer who took you away,
And summer again when you left.

Now the solstice has come
And I've already begun to simmer.
Time to grow anew, again.

Potential.
Enough to graze your fingertips across
The kind that enduces goosebumps
A soft weight dangling from your limbs
A nauseousness pumping adrenaline into your circuits
The Almost.

And now it's over.
The precipice,
The "one ill-timed-slip" into seduction,
The conscious choice to stay on the cliff
To not tumble into selfish indulgence,
This once-favored hang out, gone.
Nothing but a meadow,
Grassy, blooming, safe.

The adrenaline, the temptation, the choice
Vanished.
Nothing but a humid breeze to imply movement
A hint that something was once here, before.

And now, just another memory.
Another secret.

Here I am
Still hanging on every word


Even after the floor dropped out from underneath

Tell me something beautiful.
Tell me something that will have me
Sitting on the edge
Anticipating.
Whisper to me
Those tumultuous intricacies
You carry in your chest
Let magical phrases
Flit across your tongue into the air
Like butterflies
Akin to the ones in my esophagus.

Tell me of tomorrow
What adventures lie in wait for us
Where you'll take me
What we'll see

Weave a blanket from the tales of the past
That I may wrap myself up into
While you're away.

Tell me what's good
What's bad,
What's sad
What's bothering you,
Making you mad.

Spill it all
Like the milk our mothers didn't cry over,
Like the blood, a brother's pact,
Like the ink on the page,
Like the beans, as they say.

Open arms, ears, eyes,
I'm listening.
Tell me something, Beautiful.

I'm walking to work
And you're falling through the sky
But that's just life, right?

Keep drinking from that tap
Even when you grow weak
Return still to take another gulp
Make yourself sick from it

But keep going back
Until it ******* kills you.


I stretch my hand out
Red with warm, healing heat
Burning up from my gut
Supercharged by my longing heart

You're just within reach
Let me touch you.

"I should be used to this by now."
Yes
I should.
I should be used to being a prisoner in my very skin.
I should be used to my body telling lies
That he'll take for truth.
I should be used to my ****** past ruling my life.

When I tell him I want him,
But I'm not "in the mood."
When I tell him I'm turned on
But he says he can't tell.
When we have to stop having *** because I've become painful for him
Or I disassociated
Or I just needed to stop
Yeah, guess I should be used to that by now.

I should be used to letting my partner down.
Be used to seeing the disappointment in his eyebrows.
Used to his palpable frustration with trying to understand.
I should be used to apologizing, over and over,
Knowing it is all my fault
Though he keeps telling me I shouldn't be sorry.

I want to ****** the man who did this to me.
I want to take something back from the world that stole *** from me.
If I can't have that,
I want to ***** up my sickness,
Like it's the virus it feels like.
I want to be literally ******* normal.

Is this what it means when they say,
"The courage to heal?"

Five minutes of your time
Five minutes of mine
But I'd give every minute leading up to these moments
To make them last just a little longer.
Just one more sentence.
One breathless "I love you. "
Something to reassure this heartsick brain that's been burned before
Still showing scars from the last arrangement like this.
Just one more minute to tell my racing heart
There's no need to be afraid
And the lurking darkness she's trying to outrun
Is merely an illusion.

Just, just
Five minutes, then -
Do
      Do
            Do.
Call ended.