I never planned on falling in love with you.
In fact, I tried my hardest not to.
All those efforts?
All that time?
It amounted to nothing.
I failed.
However, I have never been happier not to succeed.
I adore you.
Every little thing.
You, make me better.
You, make me love everything.
You.
I love you.
I can’t explain it.
I can’t describe it.
Too many words.
Too few words.
I can’t.
I want to, but I can’t.
So, I’m asking you to accept this.
My love.
I wish that these words,
These, unworthy,
Unexpressive,
Uncreative words, find their mark.
I hope they speak to your soul.
The same way that they speak to mine.
A burning whisper that excites and calms.
You, mean everything to me.
I love you, with all my heart.

Your voice was like velvet
It danced in my ears
To a tune so sweet and so kind
They were words that I knew
but the rhythm was new  
So soon that your soul danced with mine
We twirled through the tables
And the lines oh so long
We tapped by the ice cream and cones
We swung past the dishes and the forks and the spoons
We could not stop us we flew through the air
And one point at lunch
I looked up and you
It was then that I knew
My soul had found
The one whom it loved
Somewhere between accents and lunch tables.

My mind is fading
The dust is settling in
It suffocates me
I want to say I love you
But dementia won’t let me

How can you want to die in a world so fiercely beautiful?
Where rain comes out of no where and thunder claps loudly.
Where even night, through the stars lacks no light.
How can you want to die in a world where people love you when you cant for yourself?
Where hope claws through despair.
How can you want to die in a world so wide and new?
Where the sun shines warm on your face.
Where the cold wakes up your soul.
How can you want to die when there are so many reasons to stay alive?

In that moment,
It was just me and you
The world ceased to exist
And left us alone
In that moment
You held me as I broke
I told you I was scared
And you told me that it was okay
In that moment
You made my admission of fear sound like a declaration of strength
And not a confession of weakness
In that moment
I loved you

It dances on my tongue
It’s like fire in my lungs
With every sip
I forget
And my body feels numb
My brain finally calms
I feel a peace now
My eyes start to close
Some momentary bliss
I’m numb
Just drunk enough to feel better
Not drunk enough to die
That’s the way that I like it
Somewhere in between awake and not
I just can’t stand to feel anymore
I hate myself
That ***** but
That’s the truth
I have nothing to offer
And even though I know that’s a lie
I still can’t help but to believe it
I try so hard
But I always come short
They tell me I’m wrong
That I have so much to offer
But I can’t see that all the time
Only some times
And the times that I don’t
I feel that it’s wrong
So here I am
Drinking what could be coffee
And what could be *** and coke
But I think we all know it’s the latter
I just want to quit
Quit life
Quit existence
But I know that’s no option
And I’m sorry that crossed my mind
It’s another way I failed
It seems like that’s all I do lately
But I try
I swear to God I try
This God that I want to believe in
And I see all my friends on fire for him
And I want that
I crave that
But I don’t even know if I truly believe
Do I?
Or do I just want to?
Maybe that’s what’s really wrong
I don’t know
I hate not knowing
But you can’t know
Not with something like this
But there has to be
I refuse to believe there is not God
Because if there is not
Why the hell have I suffered so
There has to be a reason
I need there to be a plan
Is it so bad to believe in God out of desperation?
What if that’s all I have?
Have I completely failed?
I have
And I hate that
I can’t even survive on my own
God, I just want some release
And that is such a dangerous prayer
It’s like asking for forgiveness or patience
You know what they say about that
You ask for it
Then get opportunities instead
That’s not what I want
I want an answer
I want to release the fire in my veins
I want to know that my life meant something
That way I can leave this place
I can die
Knowing I left it just a little better
But I will never know that
And I can’t leave some of these people
And so my sentence
For all the wrong I’ve done
Is survival
And it feels like a violation
Of any claim I have to the eighth amendment
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry that this is how I feel
I’m sorry for being this way
I’m sorry for making your lives harder
I’m sorry
So if this was my letter
That letter people write to say goodbye
I’d tell you thank you
Thank you for helping me live this long
For making me smile and laugh
That you for giving me things to look forward to
Thank you for so so much
There is no way I could write it all down
But that’s not what this is
I won’t die tonight
I’m just drunk
And even if I wasn’t
I wouldn’t
It may be trivial but
I have conventions to go to
My cat to snuggle
Cows to meet
And people I love
Even if I can’t love me.

The dust settles in around me
This sleepy hollow where I live
I snuggle deeper in
When did I last leave you?
You’re around me and I cannot leave
There is nothing in this world that could convince me  
I need you
Without you I am lost
You are my comfort
My security
You are as necessary as the air that fills my lungs
When this world is demented and shows me its horrors
I run to you
Where else could I go?
There is no one I trust more than you
And so I fall deeper into you
Into your warmth
Your comfort
Your safety
You.

And it was strange,
After all that time
Our paths crossed again
Back then,
We weren’t ready.
Too awkward,
Too immature,
Too young.
But now,
We are settled in who we are,
We’re still fun, but we’ve grown some,
We’ve aged,
Quite beautifully I might add.
Maybe now,
After all this time
After growing apart
We’ve grown back together
Maybe now
We’re ready.

There were stars
They were above us
And in our eyes
There we stars
As your hands gently rested on my hips
And mine were clasped behind your neck
There were stars
As we gently swayed back and forth
And the cool fall air
Pushed us closer for warmth
There were stars
In the way that you looked at me
And in the way that I looked at you
There were stars
in our souls
And in the way that we loved
There were stars

To the boy in my back seat
I can see you my friend
There is contemplation behind your eyes
And thoughtfulness behind your smile
I drive on stealing glances as I go
The things that make up who you are never cease to amaze me
As we travel farther away from what we know I am calm
I feel this way because of you
I would stand on the pier with you
Or next to the grass where the goats graze
There aren’t many places I wouldn’t explore with you
But for now you’re safe in my back seat
And I can dream of what is yet to come
As I steal glances into my rear view mirror
Of the boy in my back seat.

I, The extroverted wallflower
Want you to see me,
While you look right past me.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want to stand out
While I blend in.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want you to close your lips
And talk to me.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Want to be alone
In a room of people  
I the extroverted wallflower
Want you to know who I am
While you know nothing of me.
I the extroverted wallflower
Am privately open.
I, The extroverted wallflower
Am neither here
Nor gone.

One moment I’m happy,
The world’s within my grasp,
I’m invincible,
I made it at last.
The next moment I’m hopeless,
Fragile as glass,
I’m weak,
Please don’t break me.
And after that I’m excited,
I want to make plans,
I’m a social butterfly,
I stretch my wings.
Soon after I’m lonely,
I remedy with canceled plans,
I’m too tired,
Please don’t make me go.
And round and round,
Just like this,
This is how I live,
A sick twister of emotion.
I’m dizzy,
Hit the breaks,
Don’t make me stay on, done.
But in the end,
Do I even know who I am?
Sometimes I’m rain,
To a heat scorched land.
Sometimes I’m the heat,
That drives away the water.

You don’t get to come back
You can keep your lies
I know you didn’t try
Lighting up is all you had in your eyes
So me and guys and her
We suffered from the choices per
The addiction you let control you
Separated
One with drugs
One who lost
One with debt
And one who died
We all cried
We mourned what you took
What you stole
What we lost
We can’t retrieve that time
But the four of us
No, three,
That’s two for me
Will make it up
So when you hear me
And ask,
When you can come back
The answer is
When you clean up your act