I'm dissociating again
I can't connect with my body
My head's just floating in thin air, tired and at the verge of being psychotic
I can't remember what I did yesterday or the day before
I'm anxious, feel like everyone is watching me
I feel the need to hurt myself or worse for that matter
I made plans to end it again
At night nightmares haunt me
At day I feel like the body I'm in isn't mine
I'm scared to get a psychosis
I'm scared I'll suddenly start to lose my grip on reality

And he thinks it's so easy
Because he knows how to love
But I never met that feeling
I've had a dark cloud above my head and my heart for as long as I can remember
Who even am I?
My brain tells me it's perfect
But my feelings got stuck behind this wall
I can't seem to find them.
Every day I pretend. I pretend that I'm fine.
'yes I ate my dinner, yes I took my medicine, yes I love you'
These lies became a friendly play.
But the glue behind the mask is wearing off and slowly reveals the broken pieces left of me.
I don't know anymore
My brain divided itself into little fragments, hovering all over the place.
The only safetynet is myself, and I can't seem to find her.

Ik heb een onrust in me die moeilijk te plaatsen is
Nog in mijn hoofd, nog in een hokje
Het is niet de goede soort onrust waar je bezig van raakt
Het is de onrust van drie dagen niet snijden, vijf dagen normaal eten en vijf dagen niets in de buurt hebben om mezelf mee te beschadigen
Ik kan niet stil zitten, heb continu de drang om iets de doen
Mijn armen tintelen en schreeuwen bijna om bloed
Ik loop vaak te ijsberen, loop het mooie voorbij
En ja ik geniet, maar het is zo'n chaos in mijn kop
Ik ben op en ik kan niet verder meer, maar met deze drang blijf ik lopen
Je zou kunnen zeggen dat ik de scherpe pijn van een mes tegen mijn huid mis
Je zou kunnen zeggen dat de aansteker, lucifer en sigaret vriendelijk en verzachtend van aard zijn
Daar komt mijn zieke kant naar boven
In deze paar dagen is mijn zieke kant vaker aan de oppervlakte verschenen dan de echte Anne
Ik weet niet *** ik dit stop zonder bloed en zonder pijn
Ik weet niet *** ik leven moet
En nu?

The lights went off again
The room is completely dark now
I know the furniture is there, but I can't see it
What I do see is a flickering light, a settle reflection of a mirror
I can't see myself
Who even am I?
The lights turned off
The room is filled with black
I can see the shape of a doorknob
Gloomy light touches the surface and there goes my hand
The door is shut
No movement allowed
It was worth a try
I'll wait in the dark
Scratch the door untill my fingers bleed
I'll not rest until I get into the light
Or heaven I suppose

How did you peel open your eyes
After every blink?
How did you open your lips
After every word they screamed at you?
Why didn't you fight back with every tear they made you lose?
How did you not see the little dots of light in the evening sky hoping to be saved?
I know you wanted to be one of them
You wanted savior, but didn't let people close enough
That's the difference between you and the stars
They pull me close with a telescope, you push me away with all the power found in your fragile bones.
But then again, how did you become one of them?
How did you become one of the stars?

Disgustingly full of selfhatred
I once again push a knife to my skin
Red pearls fall to the ground
They are filled with rage and pain
I can't remember a time before my fall
They cut my wings with silver blades
They teached me how to do it
So now I'm pulling feathers out of my skin
And wish no more

nothing better to do, I'm yelling '*******'
I'm trying to figure it out
ruined my shoes trying to kick the dirt
trying to clean the blood off my shirt
I'm trying to figure it out
Nothing here to see, just a wild kid like me trying to figure it out
nothing better to do, I'm stuck here with you
I'm still here trying to figure it out
Licking lollypops with men watching me walk by
they want a piece of me but I'm all mine
enjoying the sun with glasses bigger than my face
I've learned to love what seems to be the race
dancing with my shoulders out, I planned it out, I don't care I figured it out
walking like the catwalk is my place to go, now let me show you I figured it out
Smoking a cigarette and stay in bed I figured it out
I love the danger, I figured it out
I'm officially off the rails, you should try it

What don't I understand, little girl?
I've seen so much of the world
The pain is temporary, like the youth you used to have
What don't I see, my little girl?
I've heard so much about the world
The sorrow will disappear like the sun dissappears for the moon
What don't I feel, my precious child
I've been here for a while
I know you feel like feeling nothing
But that's how society makes us something
I know I won't be able to show
But eventually these feelings will go

He said to the gravestone

I need something
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My own life
I need something
To heal me
I am tired
Of helping
My own mind
I need someone
To take my hand
And tell me it's okay
To close my eyes for a bit
I need someone
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My
Own
Life

I let my body be the gun
Shooting myself with silver bullets
Pulling the trigger with pleasure and joy
I find myself on the ground with thoughts keeping me down
and silence leaking out of me
I smell blood and metal
It slips away like time and day 
All what's left is biterness
And for a splitsecond I felt the pain
That one thing I was seeking for
Now I lay here still and dead
The numbness took the best of me

It's killing me

Why the hell is everybody on their phone?
Why is the answer to life on the ******* phone?
And is the answer to my happiness in the cloud?
And if I die will anyone notice if I'm not around?
Why is the gram more interesting than paper in your hand?
And why am I the only one who doesn't understand?
It's like they got the instruction while I live in destruction
Why are people smiling while they're all so sad?
I dare to tell you a part wished they were dead
And why the hell is the temperature rising?
Why the **** don't we talk about that
Because all we care about is our streak on snapchat

She is wonderfully fierce
As strong as a storm and as stubborn as the sea
She lives by self destruction
Injecting fire in her veins until there's nothing left to burn
She loves the rage, the anger and the rawness
She lives for pain and rebellion
Everything she touches dissappears
Everyone she loves will leave with a broken soul and more wisdom than before
Just a hand full of people can read the fond of her book
They still don't understand the words, but they manage to flip through the pages
She's entirely made of clouds
Unpredictable and impossible to catch
She's a talkative listener with her heart on her sleeve
She's me

You're the one I want to keep
And hold in my arms
For as long as the clock is ticking
Kissing the soft spot in your neck
Getting your scent all over me
The more I breathe it in, the more I long for you
And I am not one to write love poems
But you made me do it anyways

I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
You are in my blood
You are all that's left
And it scares me
What if you don't want me anymore
What if, after all this time, you'll get bored of the way I smile, or the way I cry
All those other people did
They beat me until I couldn't get up anymore, treated me like I was nothing
What if I'm nothing to you?
I know that's not the truth
But this fear keeps creeping up on me
I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
What if you take yourself away from me
I'll be left without something to keep me from choking

My mom asked me what I wanted to be
'I want to be one of the stars' I answered
'You want to be above everyone else?' she asked
'I want to be gone and I want to turn into dust' I told her
Silence followed

But failed

I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast
I fished for concrete
And happiness filled me when the rough stone hit my bones
I laughed like I had fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
Almost , almost but not really
I'm happy I found the concrete under my face, life popped the gun and I ran the race
Now I'm tired and done trying
I can see how small every single one of us is
How do we have the audacity to call ourselves big?
Is this the world we wanna text in?
Right cause thats all we do
I'm glad that I found the concrete
I'm glad I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast

CAER
It's too much to handle
CAER
I can't do it anymore
CAER
I'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces left of me after almost ending my life, but there's so much pain
CAER
I can't keep up with the life around me
CAER
it feels like a cage
CAER
like I'm drowning
CAER
I can't breathe, can't make a sound
CAER
being at home isn't safe anymore
CAER
I'm getting worse and I don't know how to tell people around me
CAER
I just wish I could disappear, never existing in this life
CAER
I am tired and not the typical 'I need to go to bed' tired
CAER
I need to sleep forever to feel satisfied at this point
CAER

I will show my teeth in full ornate
Trying to scare you away with this ****** mess of mine
The pile of bones I'm sitting on, my throne, is collapsing
All that's left is water to drown in
I'm not proud of the decision I made to scare you away
But I love you
And you'll break with me if I don't leave you behind
I'll see you in another life
And miss your lips before that time

oh bitterness where did you come from
with a sip of my wine I can taste you
moving down my throat
leaving red stains on my skin
where did you come from
leaving soggy thoughts in my head
I can taste you when I kiss
I can feel you when I cut
oh bitterness you are the fear in my bones
holding me hostage in my own body
I can feel you lingering around me
I can see you in the corner of my eyes
I can find you where I used too find words, in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue
oh bitterness you are prettier than I remember
you are like a dangerous lover
and I take you like an addict

Depression is always gonna be there
Its always gonna be in my head
I can take pills for that, but it’s always gonna be there
Thats why I hate it so much
It’s so ******* unpredictable
Like I can be completely fine now
And wake up the next day
Or something will trigger me in the next seconds
And I will completely freak out
I will lie in my bed and cry
Depression is what it looks like in the movies
at-least for me
It’s closed curtains, being in bed all day
Not wanting to go out
It’s just so frustrating
When you can’t give a **** about yourself anymore
Nothing ******* matters anymore
And it just *****
Because you do care about things, you want to care about things
But you’re just stuck in between caring and being too tired to give a ****
I ******* hate depression
I would **** it if it was a person
Why is it even here?
It’s just horrible
It’s always gonna be here and it’s never gonna go away
Things are just ****
I have had to cancel a lot of things because I was too depressed to go out
You just don’t want to see yourself living another day
When my depression is really bad, like now, I can’t see myself living next month
I can’t see myself in a weeks time
I can’t even see myself tomorrow morning
That’s when my suicidal plans and thoughts kick in
Because I can’t freaking see myself living for another second
If I don’t love myself then nobody will
And that’s the sad truth about it

I haven't eaten in three days
I feel lightheaded but good
It's a type of high I can't explain
It makes me feel in control
But if I keep doing this they'll have to forcefeed me
They'll put a tube in my nose and feed me like I'm ill
But I'm not, I don't have a disease
I'm no patient, I'm Anne
I'm me.
I like going on walks, enjoy the sun and cloudy days. I love the smell of rain and the sound of thunder and I like being rebellious. Love poetry and books. I am Anne, not a patient.
But I haven't eaten for a while
And I start to feel less like myself

My head feels like a balloon
all the thoughts trapped in one little space
focus too much attention on it and the balloon will snap
It happened. They gave me medication do take my thoughts away, but I am so trapped in my thoughts that the air escaped, and with that I got lost too
I don't know who I am anymore
There's one thing I do know
A balloon belongs to the sky, and that's where mine will be very soon
My balloon snapped a little while ago, but I made myself a new one.
Now the air is making it lightheaded again, so it can fly to the heavens for once

I'm fat, I'm ugly and I ruin things
my battle with anorexia and boulimia is taking over my life again
and I'm so tired
Im so scared of eating and I don't even have a reason why it is that way
it just is
I don't even have the energy to get up anymore.
I have to get up
I saw a butterfly after my therapy session today and it made me smile
I like the little things like that
it's the little things that count in a day full off fights and battles
I purged again today
I panicked so badly and I was so tired
I ****** it up big time
I'm letting everyone down
I make people hate me and I feel so ******* isolated
and all of this because I'm too scared to eat
I'm ****** up
I need to get rid of myself before I ruin somebody else's life

The big things will be seen as signs of an undeniable strength in the back of my mind
it's unspoken about, but we all know the power is too big
A shiver goes down my spine while I sip on my last bit of wine like I want to press my sanity in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue. I want to take the sour pinch and enjoy the smell of sweet life a little bit longer
I feel lightheaded as it moves down my throat

And then you told me
What i hoped you wouldn't tell me
I know the exact words weren't a goodbye
But it left a sour aftertaste in my mouth
I see a future with you in it
And you see a future without me
Trust me i know
I've been with enough people to know
I love you so much
I wish i could tell you how much this breaks my heart
I love you
Please stay

I'm trying so hard to let the air in
But all I can seem to do is scream terrifying melodies
they broadcast the pain like it's some sort of freakshow
The watchers laugh at me while I'm trying to dance with the devil
One wants to give me a hand and tries to pull me out of the madness, but he fails
It's okay though. I like to watch him while I suffer. He reminds me of the good things in life
And although we can't touch hands just yet I know he's the one feeding me oxygen while  most people stay at the sideline to watch me gasp for air

I don't know if I'll breathe tomorrow

Hi
I am Anne
I am a girl
I am 18 years old
I am really depressed

But... I also am..

The girl with hair that constantly changes

The girl with scars on her arms and wounds on her heart

The girl with her own will

The girl who never takes a single thing for granted

The girl who used to starve herself

The girl with thoughts darker than the night

The girl with so much love to give

I am a lot

But the only thing that matters

Is what I am to you

And they're all laughing
I'm there too, trying my best to keep my smile on point
it hurts so bad to be in in this room
I adore all of them, but I feel alone
I feel so isolated from the rest of the group, even tho I am the one making jokes
being social does't make me feel any better though
I love all these people
I've known them for years
But it hurts to be here

And there's all this rage inside of me
All this pain and anger
I can't tell you how much there is  
You'll get scared
I held everything in from age 6 to now
All the pain and the heartbreak
People abused me and left me
People pulled me in and kicked me away
I've never been someone's first choice
I've never been someone's priority
It scares me when people get too close
It scares me when people ask me about myself
Because all I've ever known was helping others
All I've ever done was prioritizing everything above my own mental health
Even at the unit
Even in my therapy sessions
And I'm so done with it
I'm so done with breathing air for other people

Most people would say I'm better
I was so sad and so angry at first
So now, i must be better
I'm always smiling
I don't hide my scars anymore, I must be so proud of my recovery
But this is so far from the truth
If anything I feel worse
I just hide it now
Even from myself
I ignore it
And distract myself
But it always comes back
You can't run away from these things cause they are a part of you
I dont want to burden anyone
I dont want to go back to another hospital
Seriously, I don't give a **** if you're throwing me back in a mental institution
I care that I won't be able to see my mom
She needs me
So I smile
I act like I'm better
I lie
I keep the tears in and pray to whoever is up there that they buy it and let me go
And they do
It became so ridiculously easy to pretend
Then there's therapy
I care about other people too much
I care about how everyone around me is feeling
The first weeks of therapy are okay
I'm honest, as honest as i can be
But then we start to bond
I start to care about their feelings
And all of a sudden my life's perfect again
They fixed me, right?
No, but i act like I'm okay to make them feel better
Of course on the inside nothing has changed
It's only gotten worse
At night i can feel it pestering inside me and i wanna cry , i just want to cry so bad
But i have no more tears
I'm numb
So i use my imagination
I think of places far away
Places where I'm happy
I know she'll notice all of this eventually
My mom
She'll notice and i will keep quiet
I don't want to hurt her feelings
My feelings? My feelings would hurt her
So i hide them
And i don't get better
You know, the sick thing is, I don't even think i want to get better
Because I'm scared of that too
This is all I've ever known
I don't remember being happy
I don't remember peace with myself
It's lonely
It's so ******* lonely
Because everyone else knows this completely different person
They don't even know me
I don't know how to deal with this anymore
I just want it to stop
I care about people so much, I dont want to hurt them, but when they meet the real me they will get hurt
I'm done.

I’m so torn
don’t know what I want
I want the love
But I don’t want the hurt
I want to fall
But I fear no one will catch me
And I’ll fall to the ground
As the person who promised to catch me
Watches and smiles
What if  they give me their heart
And I can’t give them mine ?
Maybe I should lock it away with a key
And only take it out when someone
Finally wants to love me

I am the one with the big eyes
I am the one who's always standing tall
I am the one with scars on her arms
I am the one who bites cheeks when being anxious
I am the one who wiggles her toes when waking up
I am the one who's always trying to help friends
I am the one with freckles
I am the one who drinks an oddly amount of tea
I am the one who tattoos herself with a cheap tattookit from the internet
I am the one who cries when seeing old people
I am the one who can't walk without thinking about every step
I am the one who likes to go to vintage stores to fantasize about the people who used to wear the clothes
I am the one who likes her book the old fashioned way, just paper
I am the one who's always cold
I am the one surrounded with art
I am the one in most things
But am I the one for you?

I had a therapist tell me once how ironic it was how much love I gave out
because I didn't give much to myself
she laughed, like self love was a sick joke
I chuckled and cried at home
I had somebody tell me that I could not love somebody else unless I loved myself
this time I got to laugh
this time the sick joke was mine
it was me
might as well wait forever
I remember hating myself at the age of seven
diaries filled to the brim with criticism
I had enough pages to stitch them into wings
and fly close enough to the sun to see my tears turn to steam
felt the wax burn on my shoulders
and mold into thick skin
I was nine when I wanted to die
thirteen when I found a solution
figured if I could cut my legs enough
gravity would let me go
when it didn't I tied a rope around my neck and twisted it until I couldn't breathe
stars filled my eyes and I was almost gone that day
I almost convinced myself I'd done it
when I started writing
I smeared my blood on every page
to remind myself that everything beautiful has a consequence
I have died so many times
so when I told you loving you made life almost worth it I wasn't joking
If someone can love a dying thing this way
and give thanks to the way my body hold back
if someone can kiss the scars
Administer the pills
absorb the bad days
and wake up smiling next to me
then I can try to breathe again
because self love does not always comes first
or second
or even ever
I will always be a woman of wounds
a broken neck and melted skin
love will not heal me
but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself
and it'll maybe teach me a joke that I can stay alive long enough for to laugh at

no one understands that I have nothing to gain
no one understands how it feels to slowly go insane
to have panic attacks so bad that I can't breathe
no one understands the pain I feel in my chest
Like I'm infested with a disease
diseases ****
No one understands the tears that fall down to the floor
until I can't cry anymore
My eyes are drained just like my soul
my soul is a hole, a pitch black hole in the universe that can't be filled with love
its too scared of love, I'm too scared of love
I find myself on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand
Pills that I took like tic tacs
now the clock tic tacking away until the day..is gone
They will scream and they'll ask me why I did it
and I will smile like I have fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
i will tell them it's okay to fly into the sky with fearless wings
the scars on my arms will tell the story they are so curious about
my scars will tell them how my life is like a personal hell
I never got to choose to either live or die
I never got that choice
I'm in so much pain
18 years worth of pain is unbearable and yet here I am
I am a burden to the people around me
I want it to be over

I had a plan for the future
But I feel like this plan is falling apart
I purged for the first time in a year
It made me feel empty again
I don't know why I need to feel empty all the time, or maybe I do  
I am so scared of feeling things
So ******* scared of life that I rather live like a zombie
I try to break free from this grip depression has on me, but all it causes is blood to flow
I don't want to disappoint people
I don't want people to worry about me
but I'm getting bad again
I need pain, high and starvation to make me feel like I'm in control
but the truth is I'm not
I don't know what the **** god's plan for me is, but I'm sick of being his puppet
He can't own me. Nobody can
I will never be owned
I don't like restriction, I don't like people telling me I'm theirs
I';m scared that people have high expectations and will get disappointed once they find out what a mess I really am
I'm sick of myself
I'm sick of being this way
I want to feel happy again, I can't even remember how it feels to be ******* truly happy
that isn't normal, I'm a freak.
I can't live like this any longer
I'm so scared of life, I can't live any longer
it feels like I can't breathe
like the ground is disappearing underneath me and I'm falling in a ******* hole
I'm scared and my parents aren't there to help me
I'm scared of what I will do to myself
I don't want to leave the people I love behind, but I can't live like this any longer
I'm in so much pain and I can't even explain it
I can't even tell you how much it is
it's like every bone in my body, every part of my soul just shattered and is cutting up my innards
I can't do this anymore
I AM SCARED

I like to dance with candles
Stealing their warmth with pleasure and joy

And as I'm watching the flower petals hit the ground
I realize life is short enough to fall
I can gasp for the air once left in my lung
but finding it back is harder than I thought