I sit here. Shaking. Losing myself......no, maybe gaining myself. The part of me that feels happy. Excited. Not my normal zombie walking self. I guess you always gave a heart to feel. Maybe gave me life in my eyes and the same life I gave to you to feel.

Temporary healing.
Temporary Freedom.
Temporary love.
With only the expense of your heart.

I guess he took pieces of me that I thought I didn't need.

I never knew what love was....until I meant you.
I never knew a love that could consume me like yours could.
I never understood why girls would die for some boy. I never understood that....until I lost you.

Love is just a four letter word to me now. It has become a stranger in the streets that passed me by. Love passed me in the hallways without even speaking a word. I let Love pass me by everyday I saw Love. See Love hurt me. Love crashed my hopes of ever feeling a beat inside my empty chest without thinking that its a lie. I got hurt. But Love kept me warm at night. Love took my nightmares away. Love took the sting from the pain. It gave me affection when Love hurt me. Told me everything was going to be okay. Love is now a ever fading memory to me now that I only remember from the photos in my scrapbook. Love came when Love wanted. Love left when Love wanted to leave. Love left me with holes the size of craters in my heart. Love was toxic. It killed and calmed me at the same time. But I remember what Love did to me. Love hurt me in ways that normal people couldn't. Love shattered what was left in my head that told me that "Maybe people stay." I found myself hurting worst than I ever have even from the worst wars I have fought. Love made me think I was finally beautiful. But the day Love decided to leave was the day I filled the hole in my chest with pure destruction. I staved and bled when I felt the hole begin to drag me down. Little did I know that the hole was just the grave I was digging for myself. The day Love left, I decided to try that grave on for size.......

Living
its just a chore without you.
Living
is something I have to do just to see you again.
Living**
Isn't being alive without you.

I cried again today.
You still arent here.
Still arent in my life.
Its a living hell without you.
I miss you.

I'm sorry.

Its hard to be what you need through a static screen.
Day by day I'm being replaced in your picture frames.

What is Love?
Love is the sweet taste of you on my lips.
Love is the soft brush of our hands when we were alone.
Love is the constant state of safety that was found only in your arms.
Love is the shades of green that swirled into a frenzy of a million galaxies that thrived in your eyes.
Love is the deeper connection we held with each other. It was like we were alone together in a room of a thousand people.
Love is when you can tell every emotion I held inside of me. I hide from the world but I can never hide from you.
Love is when we sang to each other in my kitchen and not caring that there was food cooking on the stove.
Love is the feeling that I could wake up every day in the same place. My arms wrapped around you to keep you safe. As if I could save you from your self. As if I could hold you close enough so you could never be far away again. That maybe if I didn't let you go you would never be able leave.
Love is when I could think of the word and the only thought was of you.
I still know what love is.......So why wasn't it enough for me to love you.

Truly*,
There is a war inside my heart.
I hear the crash of hurt feelings hit my chest with sharp pains.
I feel the pain of bullet holes pierce my memories.
For all the times I wish I would have pulled the trigger.
I hear the screams of agony from the broke heart that lies in my chest.
I guess Im trapped in my own hell.
The hell of myself.