Seeing you
makes me
miss you
more.

I can't remember when I last heard the wind whisper through the leaves of the trees, when I last saw the dappled, dancing shadows on the turf, when I last breathed in the smell of summer rain.

It feels like years since last summer,  years since I was happy, years of unending winter, years of struggling to get through.

And just when spring peaks o'er the earth and hope starts anew, everything is dashed by the return of the cruel snow, like a man being thrown back into prison after his first glimpse of light in years.

Just as summer seems so unattainable, so too does the happiness which has long been lost to me. Summer will come eventually, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again.

Things are getting complicated
Ev'ry day I'm frust-erated
My hearts not in it, just my mind
Doubts are growing with the time

My mind is clearing, fog is gone
Every step I've made was wrong
By following the path to you
I'm binding my heart untrue.

You're a dream, you always were
But neither of our dreams concur
The galaxy you once called ours
Wasn't meant to hold my stars

I'm so sorry for the hurt I've brought
For keeping secret all these thoughts
I promise you have ev'ry right
To be upset at what I write

Though it wasn't meant to last forever
I'm thankful for our time together
And sincerely in these parting times
I wish for you the best of lives

Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder
Sometimes it makes it forget
And what doesn't **** you doesn't always make you stronger
Sometimes it tears you apart with regret

You ask me what my diet is
and I am reminded that for three years of my life
All I had in my lunchbox
were jam sandwiches
Single slices of own brand bread
with scrapings of red in the center
If there was anything there
at all
And I tell you that I've never had a problem
with portion control

You ask me again how I stay so skinny
and I think of all the days I spent
rummaging through bare cupboards
Looking for something I could have
for dinner
As I tell you that I have always
been like this

You wrap ******* around my
wrist and joke that a breeze would ******* away
and I can see myself now
11 years old and 5 foot nothing
Pushing my sister in her pram
up a hill on the way home from
school
Straining under the weight
And I tell you that my body had
never failed me when it wasn't windy out

You demand to know why nothing I eat sticks to me
But I can't tell you how my frame
hasn't yet gotten used to being full
of something other than rage
And I don't think I would recognize
the girl who wasn't starving
and stuffing her face
So I tell you that I just don't know

You can't help but ask why I didn't just buy myself something extra
And I smile when I think of the small
amount that I had to spend
and the fiver worth of sweets it went on
that I handed to my baby siblings as I shut the door
to their room
On the worst day I can remember
Because they didn't have to be hungry too
So I didn't eat a single one

But I tell you that skinny is just a memory I didn't get to give back.

Playing again
the playlist of memories
trying to feel
something
we used to have
but
nothing

the feeling we used to share
the warmness of your skin
the touch of your lips
the sweetness of your smile
the crookedness of your nose
they all are gone
I could not feel it
I could not dream it
I dont even remember
how your face is like
Time surely is unyielding
it makes my body
not to remember  
any of those feelings
Its like you've never been in my life

But somehow
the pain is still there
its like
im still hurting
from a wound that
has totally been healed
its like
i've moved on yet stuck
im happy yet sad

or
does it mean
im just broken?