I don’t wanna move.
I don’t deserve it.
Winners deserve to move, and I’m not that.
I’m a loser, worse than that.
I’m a failure.
no job.
no wife
no kids
no life.
I’ve never deserved it.
Maybe I was doomed from the start.
Yeah probably... I never had a chance. Not like I deserved one.
Instead I’ll just lie here.
I won’t eat, I can’t, food is for the successful.
I’d say wake me when it’s over, but I can’t go down.
I just don’t deserve it.

I'm adrift in a digital sea.
The waves take me as they see fit
and I can't but think if this is it
Pewag acts as a weighed cape
so tightly wrapped it bruises my nape
Useless movements lead to the bottom
The doubts flood my mind as they flood my boat
Stuck in my ways
Will I be stuck here forever?
God, I have been so naive
"One last time"?
I'm such a liar
The digital sea has swallowed me whole
No horizon
No hills
Nothing to enliven
Just chills
Has aspiration been abandoned?
I've made my my peace
The web of lies threading across my mind
Stop asking, I'm not fine
Blood soaked tears cover my face
I screamed into the abyss
and the abyss screamed back.
"Be Still and Know"

I fell in love with poetry
When my mind began to turn on me

i can see light beyond the clouds
the waves have ceased their swells
and so I can now see and breathe all the same.

Many nights I see you lay awake,
tormented by the mistakes of your past.
I see your thoughts
replaying it in your mind like a bad rerun you can't turn off
I can't take it anymore...
I can't take watching you inject that pain into your mind
over
        and
               over
                       again...
Don't you know there is rest for you on The Skull?
There is rest for every broken
                                                    sadden­ed
                                                                ­     weary soul.
All you have to do is move it to my side.
I can take it.
I paid for it.
It is done.
Now sleep, child.
Take rest
I'll keep watch.

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"

Rest upon my heart O God
And teach me how to rest in yours

Armed to the brim with bullets and bombs
Delta A moves into the control room
slaughtering security ruthlessly
leaving a wake of dead cells
they move in and press play
every single mistake replayed
like a drive in inside my eye lids
I fight back the tears
Delta B breaks in the front
they riddle it with lead
abandoning it of any hope of releasing any joy
It's destroyed
They've taken over
I could ***** but I won't
I don't want to give them the satisfaction
The enemy won the battle
but reinforcements are coming in the form of light
There's a war inside my head (1)
And I won't give up until I win.

My heart breaks for you. Tears overwhelm me every time I think of you.
I remember your flowing dark brown hair that reached down your entire back.
My God, it was beautiful.
We’d jump out of the bathroom window onto the trampoline to see who’d go the highest.
It was incredible. We were so innocent... for a time.
But things change, usually for worse.
I recall walking in on our brother on top of you and our sister.
Both of your eyes were swelling begging me to do something.
Sadly, I had no social cues to understand what was going on...
**** my autistic brain.
I should have stopped it.
I should have told mom and dad.
Instead I failed you.
I feel like it’s my fault you choose a life of debauchery.
Rock bottom can’t be real because your keep finding ways to dig yourself deeper.
First the drinking, then the drugs, now choosing to become my “brother”.
When I first heard it set a clock in my mind. A countdown ‘til I hear of your inevitable death.
You say it’s a choice, but in reality you’re willingly stepping into death row with yourself as the executioner.
There is a way out though.
And I beg you to take it.
Please, shave your sunken face and come to the true savior.
You’ll no longer need to fill a hole in your soul because He will restore it in its entirety.
I just hope it’s not too late.

Sundering into nihility
Undecided if I should
  I think it's for the best
   Can't go on
    I think it's for the best
     Don't give up
      Eventually, it will get better.

my mind has turned against me
images of being tortured
bounce like a red hot molecule inside my skull

"you deserve this"
"you're worthless"

they scream in my ear
its like a non stop 747 flying by my head
but today was different

i grabbed the thoughts by the throat
and pressed them against the wall

with my eyes burning with righteous anger
i throw them to the ground

i press my boot against its throat
and press with all my wieght

they begin to choak
gasping for air
they utter a single phrase
"please have mercy on me"

you didn't have mercy on me
you didn't give me an ounce of joy
you didn't allow me to get out of bed

so no
i will not have mercy on you
i will end your miserable existence

in the trunk
and down the street
i throw you in a ditch

shovel to the head (1)
i bury you far away from me

i'm not stupid though
i know you'll come back

but this time i'm prepared
if you come on my doorstep again
i will not be held accountable for my actions