Sundering into nihility
Undecided if I should
I think it's for the best
Can't go on
I think it's for the best
Don't give up
Eventually, it will get better.
If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours, 7 days a week: 1 (800) 273-8255.
I'm adrift in a digital sea.
The waves take me as they see fit
and I can't but think if this is it
Pewag acts as a weighed cape
so tightly wrapped it bruises my nape
Useless movements lead to the bottom
The doubts flood my mind as they flood my boat
Stuck in my ways
Will I be stuck here forever?
God, I have been so naive
"One last time"?
I'm such a liar
The digital sea has swallowed me whole
Nothing to enliven
Has aspiration been abandoned?
I've made my my peace
The web of lies threading across my mind
Stop asking, I'm not fine
Blood soaked tears cover my face
I screamed into the abyss
and the abyss screamed back.
"Be Still and Know"
my mind has turned against me
images of being tortured
bounce like a red hot molecule inside my skull
"you deserve this"
they scream in my ear
its like a non stop 747 flying by my head
but today was different
i grabbed the thoughts by the throat
and pressed them against the wall
with my eyes burning with righteous anger
i throw them to the ground
i press my boot against its throat
and press with all my wieght
they begin to choak
gasping for air
they utter a single phrase
"please have mercy on me"
you didn't have mercy on me
you didn't give me an ounce of joy
you didn't allow me to get out of bed
i will not have mercy on you
i will end your miserable existence
in the trunk
and down the street
i throw you in a ditch
shovel to the head (1)
i bury you far away from me
i'm not stupid though
i know you'll come back
but this time i'm prepared
if you come on my doorstep again
i will not be held accountable for my actions
(1) INTRO III by NF
A Shepherd and his 100 sheep walk among the hills of Judea.
It is a warm pleasant day
not too hot
not too cold
It is the perfect day for grazing.
Ninety-nine of the Shepherds sheep have stuck together
But one has left to do his own thing.
He jumps and runs away from the herd
Hiding from the Shepherd
The Shepherd leaves the runs after the sheep
no more than twenty yards away he see it
He bolts towards him
He was filled with such excitement that it echoes through the hills.
He looks his sheep in the eyes
so happy that he found him.
With his eyes swelling up with tears
He gently picks up his sheep
puts him over his shoulder an carries him back to the ninety-nine.
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.
(Luke 15:4-6 NIV)
Rest upon my heart O God
And teach me how to rest in yours
Armed to the brim with bullets and bombs
Delta A moves into the control room
slaughtering security ruthlessly
leaving a wake of dead cells
they move in and press play
every single mistake replayed
like a drive in inside my eye lids
I fight back the tears
Delta B breaks in the front
they riddle it with lead
abandoning it of any hope of releasing any joy
They've taken over
I could ***** but I won't
I don't want to give them the satisfaction
The enemy won the battle
but reinforcements are coming in the form of light
There's a war inside my head (1)
And I won't give up until I win.
I have diagnosed depression and this is how it feels everyday. I won't give up though.
(1) Panic Room by Silent Planet
Your taste hits my lips and I cannot help but smile
I feel such joy and love when your in my life
Your embrace reaches down to the pit of my stomach
and you warm my body intensely
Your sight alone brings anyone to their knees
By God! I cannot live without you!
I would live off of your breath I could
But since I can't I'll stick with your taste
Your sweet, intoxicating taste
I can't get enough.