You gived me love
You saved me from myself
You showed the world
You showed me that I could trust you
But all that goes though my head is
What if?
What if you hurt me?
What if I hurt you?
What if it doesn't work
What if? Just What if?

With depression you can't just think postive it doesn't work that way. Depression is there it never leaves, with depression you can't get ride of it. You can't just think happy trust me if it worked that it would be a blessing, but it doesnt. Thats why people with depression have to get help and take meds for it. That's why I need help and take meds it keeps away the bad thoughs. And F.Y.I its not an episode there is no such thing as a episode. Trust I would know. You don't understand what people go through when it comes with depression. We get bad though, and we wish it would go away, but it doesn't thats why we talk about it because it helps. I need help, I know I do because if I don't get help then i'll be scared for the rest of life. I used to hate being alone and now I can care less if I am alone or not. Thats what happens. Depression is a disorder which means you can't get rid of it. It stays with you forever.

And when someone is having an anxity or depression, don't just say "oh it will get better" "just think postive it helps" or "its just a phase it will go away". It is not something that you can just say it will be ok it will go away, or I'm fine nothing is wrong with me. Because that does not help.

Or if we say "i'm fine" it really means help me
Or if we say "I'm ok" It really means i'm broken
Or if we say "oh i'm not hungry" it means i'm giving up
or if we say "I'm tired" it really means I'm tired of everything and everyone

so listen to what I say and what I mean by it. If you hear me say I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm tired,or I'm not hungry. Then that's when you want to keep an eye on me, watch how I act and make sure i'm ok.

Today I learn the word beautiful
I didn't know what it mean't
because I was never called beautiful
yeah I mean my mom and dad said it, but I never believed them.
But today is different, today I looked in the mirror and didn't see the broken girl.
Instead I saw me
The girl I am supposed to be
I didn't think I would ever see her again
But she looked at me and said
You are beautiful and you should believe it because its true.
You are worth it
You need to smile more because that smile could make someone day
That smile isn't ugly its beautiful.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

Hi my name is bella, I am five years old and I live in a house in the middle of the woods. I have two friends, but no one can see them they only come in the darkness so I always keep my room dark. My mom calls me crazy, but I know i'm not because I know there real, I can see them. When I go to school they stay home and look over my mom because she sick and it worries me. I made a fort in our basement so we can hang out after school, but when I got home they werent there and I was confused. I looked everywhere, but nothing. I heard my name and I saw them and I went over and well that was the day I ever saw my mom and the last day I was alive.

I wake up, I look in the mirror and I see someone that I don't want to see. I see the devil that hunts my head and that hunts in my mirror. He tells me these thing that I don't want to believe, but I do. I try to close my eyes and tell myself its not real, but when I open them there he is.

I try to tell him go away, but he won't he makes me feel sad and he makes me want to yell and scream and cry.

My life is a horror show that never ends.

I hate him, but he doesn't hate me.

He say he is my friend, but I don't want to be friends.

He says "this is your life now"

But I don't want it to be.

And his words were " to bad your stuck with me"

You were so upset and you though no one cared, but who knew life would change. You though staying quite was the best, but who knew it would end up like this. You wanted to die, you cried your self to sleep everynight and if I was there I would wipe your tears away. If you could see me now you would be proud and I know you are. You used ask what was the reason to live when you could just die. I know that its hard, but your not alone anymore. when you though life was better without you let me tell you its not. Everyday you woke up and faked a smile and sometimes you said you were sick which was all a lie. But here we are today alive. We lived to see another day and now were happier then ever, which is a lie, but life isnt always gonna be sunshine and rainbows. Right?

I am in a bulding and its on fire, don't worry i'm ok
I never felt more alive, this isn't me saying I want to die
Because I don't.. I know your confused, but thats ok so am I.
I been stuck in this house since the 5th grade I guess I just havent found the way out.15 year old girl is talking about a house on fire. What does this mean? It means i'm ok. This house was on fire, but not anymore. I'm safe because I believed that one day I will be save.
This house was my hell and now it set me free

today i'm wearing a dress
and this is the day I will never forget
because this is the day we first met
you were wearing a shirt, tie, pants, and dress shoes
this day was the day I told you I would reameber for ever
but who knew forever would end today on this day....

Because this day you lied and used me
this day I reamaber crying my self to sleep
this day is the day I want to forget
but I can't because evertime I see you
it brings back the memories
Was I not good enouph?
Was I not pretty enouph?
Did I not give you want you want?
I'm sorry I messed up

When they ask me if i'm ok
I look at them and I just want to cry, but I can't.
The look on your face when I said no..no i'm not ok
They look down and they say there sorry. How can you be sorry? Are you the reason i'm feeling this pain? Is it your fault? Because the last I check this is all on me. Not you so please just leave. When I said those words  that person didnt move and I knew why. You can't help me, you won't help me.

I have never seen someone care so much. Maybe this all I need, maybe all I needed was someone to look at me and say I know your not fine.

That day I will never forget because that day I did't feel alone.

Dear dad

I know i'm not there to say this so I though typing it is the best choise.
I know I messed up. I know i'm not the little girl I used to be.
Dad we were so close and know I get why we aren't anymore its because of me. I shut everyone out. Dad i'm sorry. Dad when you see this, if you ever do, its not your fault, its mine. I should of never shut you out, I should of told you what was going on, but I didn't. Dad I didn't move because I was running, I moved because I need a change and I got one and now I'm happy.

Dad when you read this I hope your not crying
I hope your not sitting there saying its your fault
Dad I hope your not blaming yourself

Dad i'm growing up I become this quite person
i'm sorry

And dad I want you came to my party by yourself because we need to talk face to face. I need to tell you things that I kept to myslef. Why I was quite, why my grades were bad, why I never talked about it, and why I need this change. Dad don't be angery please. I love you and miss you tons. And dad I will answer any questions.

tomorrow is the day that i'm not ready for I have to leave early and say goodbye again.
you passed away may 6 the day I will never forget. We only met last summer, but I felt like I knew you my whole life. Even though were not blood, you are still my great grandma today and tomorrow and forever. People always told me goodbye is never easy, and thats true.
Saturday is the day I will never forget, going to your grave and thinking about the nickname you gived me. When I first met you, you called me Lilliebell, that day will always have a spot in my heart.
May 5 one day befor you were gone, I came to the nearsing home to say goodbye, but before hand I told god, don't let her go not intel I said goodbye.
And thats what happen. You passed away on your oldeat sons birthday, you wanted to see him. I couldn't speak when I found out. But I know what you would of wanted and that would be to move on. So this me moving on. But I want to say Goodbye one last time before tomorrow. I miss you today, tomorrow, and forever R.I.P great grandma

I know you will never see this
but I just have to say this
You and her used to look happy, but now it looks different
You and her don't look happy anymore
becuase you guys fight and then make up
trust me I like seeing you guys happy
But not when it hurts you and the person you love.

Dear crush
Please don't let her go
she needs you
more then you think
yes I might like you
but I want you happy
is that to much to ask .

Dear crush
love her
hold her
and never let her go

Everyday I wish god would give me someone to love
Everyday I wish I had someone who would be weird with me
Everyday I wish I had someone who was there for me
Everyday I wish I had someone who would make happy when i'm down
Everyday I wish I had someone who would pick me up when I fall
Everyday I wish and wish and still nothing
I wish I had someone who I could trust
I wish I had someone who was honest with me
I just wish, but you can't wish for something to happen life doesns't work that way

Hi
I am Pikachu
And here is the reason why
My friend and I have nicknames for eachother
and well mine is Pikachu
I love pikachu
He makes me happy
I will always TRY to do the voice and let me just say i'm not that good ..
You might be loughing at me
and well go for it because I like it
I have two stuff aniamls of pikachu and everytime I look at them it makes me happy. My friend nickname is Penguin and i'm Pikachu and together we are two weird friends who are always together. were like sisters

Grandpa you and I always did things together, now its almost time to say goodbye. Even though were far away, I still hear your voice in my ears, weird right, your alive, but I still hear your voice.
You always took me fishing, and hunting, you made me lough so much. Every hollween I came to your house and steal your candy. Every year got bettter and better. Then I moved away and when I came to Montana to see the family, I saw you and you made me smile and all the memories came back, which made me cry because..we wont be able to make more. You are now 98 or 99 now and its amazing you lived this long. Everyday I try to ask mom how your doing, But everyday I get more scared and more sad that summer might of been my last with you. I have never been more scared in my life. I wish I could be there to say goodbye. I know maybe it's not your time, but one day it will be. I hope i'm there to say goodbye. You mean the world to me. Your my bestfriend. Well in thoses years you were my only friend. I didn't like talking, but I love talking to you. You understood me when no one else did. I'm sorry i'm writing this when I could just say it. I will never forget you, my bestfrend, the one person who could make everyone lough. I miss you today, tomomow, and forever

I hate the way I look in the look in the mirror.
I hate the way my face looks.
I hate the way my old clothes don't fit me anymore.
I hate how I want to cry, but I can't
I hate how everyone is happy, but i'm not.
I hate when people talk crap about me.
I hate that no matter what I do or say it is never good enough.
Sometimes I think whats the point of living, when your just gonna die any way.  
I'm not perfect
I'm not good enough
I'm nothing
I'm a Nobody
Maybe I'm better off alone
Because then.. No one can hurt me even more then I already do.

Dear anut paula

Yes I am writing you a letter... Why? because.. I never got to say goodbye. You made me lough, you always told me when I came over to eat whatever I wanted. You loved hearing me lought and sing. You always love the fact I dance like I was alone. I remeber christmas, that was the last one with grandma. On the drive back you called my dad that night i'll never forget, dad lost his it,he criedand cried. Then amy passed away and we all lost it. Then.....You passed away in your sleep, I never got to say goodbye.  Dad droped his phone and I almost fell to the ground. I wish I talked to you more. But, I didn't. I'm sorry I never called, I wish I did. I love you and Miss you. R.I.P Anut Paula... You will always be in my heart

I can't see
I can't move
you left
you just sat there and left
I bagged
I fought for you
And this is how you repay me
I love you
But, I guess...You don't love me

I see you everyday
I can hear my heart beat fast
I can tell i'm smiling when I saw you
I can tell when I feel hurt because your with her
I blush red when your near
I lought when your name pops up
I wish you saw how I felt about you
I wish you...could see that we could be more then friends
But your with her
And you look happy
You look like she is everyhting
You look at her, like she is the only thing in the world
Like it's just you and her and no one else
Maybe that could be me and you
But.....You blong with her
And I know that
She is everything
That I will never be

Dear friend,
I'm sorry
I know i'm not perfect
I know that I lost you
I lost you, to my pain
I let you go
Because I was scared
I was scared that my pain would scare you away
I'm sorry that I keep saying sorry
And I won't stop intell you forgive me
So i'll say one more time
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

Dear mom

Mom I reamemer all the memories, you told me when you saw me the first time you said I was beautiful. You smile so bright, like I was an angle. Mom you and dad fought alot and I was so young I didn't know what was going on. Mom now I know, now I see the pain and the tears you have cried. Mom I reamemer sitting there looking at my dad and saking him if he is coming back, and him smiling/loughing he looked at me said " I have to go to work" I remember him leaving and feeling scared, feeling like maybe that will be our goodbye. When I woke up he came up and I huged him, I huged him tight. I was so scared. A few years later you became sad, you weren't happy anymore. You would be sick and you though dad didn't care. Mom i'm sorry I never saw your pain. Mom i'm sorry that I could't be the girl you want me to be.

Mom, I was bullied, I was hurt, I was done with life, I was ready to give up. But mom I didn't, you know why because I knew I wasn't ready, I was not leaving the people who need me the most.

Mom, My farther might not text me or call me since I moved in with you across country, going from californa to a small town. I knew he wasn't happy. I couldn't sand hearing him cry because it made me feel worst about myself.

Mom, I love you and never forget that.

And mom I know, I know that we are happy now, we have no worries in the world, you want me to have everything.

But mom I have everything I could ever ask for.

Mom, I am happy were I am.

P.S Dear Mom, I love you, I will not give up, not now, not ever.

And that is a promise

You sit here and me names
That isn't my name
My name is what everyone calls me
My name that I was born with
Just like you
So call me by my name
My friends call me by my name
But you don't
So please tell me why
Did you forget it?
Do I need to remind you what my name is?
Call me by my name
Say my name, not what you think is my name

Who am I?
Do you know who I am?
I'm scared
I have no ideal where I am
I'm lost
Its dark
I see something
It makes me scared
But I'm still walking
I'm getting closer
I see my fear
It is big and scary
The fear of death
It looked so real
Wait.....am I dead?
Hello?? Can anyone hear me?
Please i'm lost
Help me
I'm scared

I woke up
I feel alive
I see the light
I made it through another night

You tell me you like me
You tell me you care
You tell me i'm the only one
I belived you
I sat here and waste my time on you
You lied
But I still care for you
We are still friends
Bcause i'm scared to let you go
You mean so much to me
But you lied, but I still care about you

I know, you want me to be perfect
But I don't what to be perfect
Do you want to know why
Because I am me
I am who I am
I am not perfect
I am not who you want me to be

I like you......
But you will never know
You will never know that I stay up thinking about you
You will never know how bad I want to tell you how I feel
You don't know how much it hurts when I see you with her
You will never know how bad I wish you were mine
You will sit here and smile and lough with her while i'm over here wishing it was me.
I can't stand the pain i'm feeling
I just wish you would see it, so I didn't have to say anything..
I hate this pain, I hate feeling this way.... I wish it would all go away

I hear everything
The birds
The wind
The thrunder
I hear people talking
But it always scares me
When i see people whisper
I always think there talking about me
When I see people loughing I always think it's about me
I always over think
But the sounds of birds and wind
Always make me smile

You can teach me wrong from right
but you can't teach boys wrong from right
you can tell me how to act
but you cant tell a boy how to act
you can tell me to stay
but you cant tell a boy to stay

everyday we learn more and more that boys just don't care about us girls
they use us
they play us
they cheat on us

look at that we became a game
we became a toy
be bacome a test to cheat on
we are a life probelm that they find there way around

I'm not what you say I am
I am nice
I am caring
I love to dance
I love to sing
I love to write
I am me
And you don't know that
I been through way to much
From lies
From people coming in and out
To the point I become scared
To the point I just want to ...
Nevermind
I wish I could show the real me
But to be honest
I don't even know who the real me is

I never though I would be scared of you....
The love of my life
The person that meant the world to me
How can I ever be scared of you?
It doesn't make sence
But I guess life doesn't make sence either
I loved you
I fought for you
But you became my anger
You became the thing I run from the most
I hate you......But I still love you

I never though I would be scared of you, but I am
You showed me the darkness
You never showed me the light
You are something I run from
So please don't come near me
Please don't talk to me
Please just stay away from me

You showed me love
You showed that I wasn't alone
You told me that you would never  leave
You promise me the world
But one day I woke up
And saw it was all a lie
You were playing me
You were in for it for the games
You played me
Like I was a game
I can't belive I Let you in

I fear the light
all I know is the darkness
that is around me
there is no light
there is no window
even if there was
I would be to scared to go near it
so I sit against this wall wating for a sign that I’m free to go
but intel then I’m stuck here feeling alone with the darkness