Dying love in a gilded cage,
Imprisoned by my pent up rage.
You never loved me, but neither did I,
The last gift you gave was the gift of goodbye.

Late at night is when I think
And try to I clear my head
I often stay awake all night
Just laying in my bed

As soon as I get comfy
Thoughts start racing in
I start to question everything
and regret my every sin

At first the thoughts are gentle
Like what will I do tomorrow
But as time crawls by; they escalate
Till I'm drowning in my sorrow

I think of all my failures
Every detail of what I did wrong
After hours of reliving pain
I convince myself I don't belong

I suddenly feel isolated
and like the silence will never end
I feel like I will never escape
There's too much I just can't mend

I feel overpowered and worthless
Like I'll never do anything right
I hide till the world fades away
And I'm awoken by the light

I realize a new day has come
It's time to put on a brave face
I put those negative thoughts away
Until I return to this place

Poems expose my vulnerability
But it's something about the tranquility
that keeps me writing again and again
I like it when
they are my escape
from this world of hate
Most of my poems are sad
but that is how I get past being mad
I like to write
All day and night
I prefer my friends and family do not read
what secrets I keep inside of me
I'm scared of people knowing
About what my poems are showing
Honestly they don't show me
And how happy life could be
But they do show small parts
of my heart
I just need to try
and write things my
feelings always feel
like maybe about the happy appeal
Either way I'm happy with this
Writing poems and feeling Bliss

In bed

     for the first time
I am watching you
  
   in the bathroom
     brushing your teeth

just the right chunk of light
     enough to see

a magenta vest

your only tattoo
sneaking out from the top
   of black shorts

your clock notifies me
   it is ten past twelve

a dog yaps in sporadic bursts
   outside a siren whines
only to die seconds later

     but I am captivated
by your shape

the backs of your feet

   a little fraction of skin
     under the belly-button

   and if this is to become
commonplace

an ordinary event

   I will sleep every night
with a smile

     painted over my dreams

I thought these feelings were gone
but they're still buried deep inside
and you're like a grave digger
Your shovel stabbing at me
sharper than a knife.
You ripped me wide open
you tore me to shreds
and if you asked me to take you back,
my answer would probably be yes.

I would instantly break down from the soul
if you asked me
when was the last time i was ever happy
i couldnt see myself telling the truth
i'd have to pick a lie that would satisfy you
one that is convincing,
maybe a story behind it.
one that would make you believe i knew what you were asking.
if i knew what that was maybe i could tell you,
but im not sure what you mean,
that is one question for which i cannot help you.

There is a corner of my mind
That I am frightened to visit
There is a child who sits there
Alone

It is me
Alone
A child
In a corner

A child afraid
In a corner
I want to help myself
But I don’t know how

There is a corner of my mind
That I do not explore
Because I lack courage

I read about hope
Hope and boundless courage
These are the companions
I would like to befriend

Hope
Boundless courage
Courage that knows no bounds

I have been rejected
Time and again
And I become the child
In the corner of my mind

Lost
Frightened
Alone

With courage
With hope
Perhaps I can help the child to stand
Perhaps the adult can carry the child
To safety

Hope
Like a warm glow
Courage
Like a great gust of wind

My stomach feels tight
My chest full of aching discomfort
Wearily
Bleary  eyed
I travel into the predictability of a narrowing future

In spite of everything
I try to help the child to stand

'Don’t worry' I whisper
'I am here for you
I am here to help you stand
I would never scold you
I will only show you kindness'

Clocks ticking

but I didn't even notice

As I lay on my back

head hanging off the bed

I hear it

tic toc tic toc tic

I'm floating

watching myself 

 sounds weird huh

I can see everything my flesh is doing

like a movie,

yet I'm above my very being...

Numb

but I can hear it

the clocks ticking

I'm praying he'll stop

tic toc tic toc tic

Musing of someone with dissasocitive identity  disorder!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

That year was so cold
As cold as that winter that wouldn't end
All I remember about that year
Was how little I fit in anywhere
How I connected with no one
How I sat alone at school
While in a room with 40 others

I lost count of how many hours I spent
Alone in my parents cold garage
Sitting in my car that needed a new motor
Watching the snow fall from the window
And the breath rise from my mouth

All the times I sat staring at a handful of pills
Too broken to go on, but too scared to sign out
Caught in endless torment, with no future in sight
Half of me not caring anymore
Half wanting so bad to hold on

I never imagined I'd survive that year
Or the next, then 5, and 10
Or have the life that I have today
But I am evidence that all of it's true

And giving up too early in life
Is like throwing your cards down too soon
You just might be holding a king or a queen
But it might take you more time to know

by Lj Mark