ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

I am lost as an adult
Lost as a person

I am lost in worry
Lost in thought

I am lost in advice
Lost in words

I am lost in this world
Lost in uncertainty

I am lost on my own
Lost all alone

I am lost in everyday life
Lost my direction

I am lost in a place I don’t know well
Lost my way home

I am lost in time
Lost my day

I am lost in boredom
Lost in my interest

I am lost in memories
Lost in my past

I am lost and everything is falling apart
Lost and it’s all my fault

numbers and measures filling my head
constantly counting, always under fed
i think that you notice me
shifting my plate with a fork
but you dont notice me
fainting in the bathroom
or crying in bed
i dont think you notice
when i skip meals
and run for an hour
but i cant stop
even though i feel miserable
and my head always aches
i cant stop
even though i am consumed with numbers
and it haunts me when i wake
i cant stop
though i've made promise again
and i always feel weak
i cant stop
because i want this, that number
to be lower than i've seen.
i want to disappear under my sweater
and feel light in your arms
i've gotten used to feeling dizzy
grown to like all the harm
so i'll shove off your worry and
i'll lie when you ask
go again until those digits
are smaller than my last.

My heart aches
I can’t survive being alone
It’s such an empty existence
Everything is meaningless
No one is around to care
But I’m really ill
And I’m only getting worse
What do you expect
When the invalid is left
To care for herself?

I’m working
I’m trying
I take my medicine
I bandage my own wounds
But the more I patch myself up
The more I wonder why it matters
Why should I bother getting better
If no one even noticed I was ill...
If no one seems to care...
If I don’t really care anymore...

PULLING the edges
Until THE blood comes through
The darkened SKIN
Never new TO you
Turn them into permanent FIXtures
Turn THEM into scars
Line your body with a constellation
of crooked moons and stars
RIPPING until it hurts
BECAUSE the PAIN IS the best part
Let THE PROOF run down your face
Prove you have a heart
DIG a little deeper NOW
til your nails turn red
Careful now SWEETHEART,
Any more and YOU'RE DEAD.

I'll blow my brains
'Cause I deserve it
Ignore my pains
'Cause I'm not worth it


They hurt us
These are the ways they vent
Us monsters
Should get our punishments


Us monsters
We are the monsters
We deserve it
These are the ways they vent

Us monsters
They hurt us
Price of a sentience?

Price of a sentience...
We're true monsters.