My body is covered with tattoos

I made them with thoughts, ones I created with memories, ones that are considered permanent but bit by bit I manage to take them off. Ones that changed colors by the season I'm in. My body is covered with tattoos as well as scars. I managed to let go of the ones that wanted to take off, and ones that infected my being. Healing wasn't a pleasant place. I tell myself enough, but I couldnt help myself. ''Maybe this time, this one won't have to go.'' But I seal my scars with another one, and another, and another, and another, until my skin screamed, until my skin felt nothing.


I got bruises for not feeling

I am supposed to be happy. There are many reasons to be. But I guess I can never be satisfied and id still want more, even though I do not entirely know what I want. My heart feels so empty, that I hear the sound of my own heartbeat in the hollowness of its chambers. I grasp for air everytime because I feel my throat closing in. I'd get stomachaches and would want to ***** out everything that I am. Because I hate everything that I am, was, and became. Serenity is played in shows, movies and music, in people at the streets, walking alone but not feeling lonely, in colors, in everything that I can only watch but never touch and never become.


Imagine me having a heartbreak every single day I see you.

You walked past me looking at my eyes but never in too deep. My feelings are buried deep down, where I can't even dig. You are the love I never intend to have and the love I have always wanted. You took me to a whole new reality but left me there. I was screaming your name everytime my heart and body start to shake. You caused me all this pain but you were always innocent. I mistook your glances for longing, I was the one longing.


We take words and make it as romantic as it sounds

We put love in every bit of context or in some cases we force out love to take part of our whole being. That's how we live, survive and die. We write songs about the sky or the moon or the sun and make it seem like they are infatuated with the clouds. We make the wind sound like the humming of a broken hearted lover waiting to be salvaged by the knight. There was always a knight, who comes and saves us. Take us out of the black and white world we created for ourselves. We make this up for our loses. For our victories. For the ones that broke us. For the ones that mold us back. For ourselves.

Cow dung
She hung
Between her legs

Dry leaves
She'd weave
Into disposable wear

Even second hand sanitization
Was considered better condition
So she ducked into the safety of unknown risks

Absorb, if it could
Wear it she would
No space for concerns, no choice

On one hand they say
Empowered today, we women, stay
On the other, stands she, in rural patches of ignorance

over two billion people
these days are waiting to commemorate
the birth of one whom they consider
humankind‘s savior

it happened more than 2000 years ago

since then it has not really been established
from what he has saved us

looking at our history
does not help much either

maybe this is a good thing
such indeterminacy can be quite uplifting

after all
who does not like to be saved?

If I asked you to close your eyes and picture everyone you loved, how long would it take for you to spot yourself?

I've not been able to find myself yet.

The only part of my day
That I look forward to
Is when I go to bed
And lay there making up scenarios
In my head.

I think of comebacks
To 8th grade bullies.
I think of witty retorts
To my mother's snide comments.
I think of intelligent things to add
To conversations I had months ago.

I think of all the things
I was too scared to say.

And in my mind
I say them.
And pretend how things would be different
If only I had the courage to speak.

Just tell me
if heaven closed its doors
when no one on earth
has seen you cry

Just tell me
if you can't get back home
when the fields you ran into
have never been a refuge in a storm

Just tell me
if everything you see now is dire and bleak,
and you felt your loneliest
when you entered the amusement parks alone

Just tell me
if even the world's greatest jokes
Can no longer penetrate
the humor that you think you've lost
but I know it's still there

Just tell me
if sugar doesn't taste sweet to you anymore
and instead,
you find your enemies' laughter a good meal
everyday
and for every day

Tell me,
just tell me if you're used to all of this
and even if you don't
I know it all

For when the heavens poured down rain,
the droplets that touched my skin
told me you're not okay
I knocked into your door
and I heard those fights —
telling me that this isn't your home
I walked my way to your favorite amusement park,
took your favorite ride
and later on, I've seen a post online
telling me about that newest amusement park to try
I wanted to text you right away about it,
and I just don't know why all of a sudden
I anticipated for the next jokes you're about to crack

And even if sugar loses its sweetness
your smiles won't ever lose theirs —
that even if I haven't seen them for quite a while now
I know that they will always find their way back,
the way you used to light this world
with your own little steps
that formed a pathway
of hope and colors of the Promise

I know you'll always find your way back to that Promise
and if you could just tell me,
Tell me —
but even if you don't,
I know it all
for you are my friend,
you are a friend.

Just tell me,
and I will listen.

b.d.s.
09-09-17
:)