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Mateah May 2020
The chill crawls up my spine
Its tendrils of fingers intertwine
I walk a never ending line:
Anxiety that goes on

I stumble forward, determined but weak
I can’t remember how to speak
But from my mouth: a mournful shriek
Will there be a dawn?

Whispers begin to fill the air
They come and go from nowhere
Were they even real? Is nothing there?
Fear has a reek

What brought me to this dark place
What set me on this eternal race
What being or spirit, what face?







Ah, it’s finals week.
A little humor to end off finals week for some of us :) who knew one week could feel so long...
Mateah May 2020
?
What if this entire world
Was only just a dream?
If everything you said and did
Was never heard or seen?
Mateah May 2020
...
If I do have wisdom,
Why can’t I recognize?
And if I don’t know that it’s wisdom,
Well... am I even wise?
Just thinking.... if you have an answer or opinion on this please share it!
Mateah Dec 2019
I’m here.
I exist.
There’s nothing to resist.
I’m not happy, not sad.
I don’t remember how it feels to be mad.
I’m not melancholy. Not depressed.
Not thinking about what comes next.
Just here. Just existing.
So please stop insisting
That I’m upset or unstable.
I'm just sitting at an internal table.
Watching life happen with an unattached view.
Don’t worry, I’m fine.
It passes with time.
No, it wasn’t you.
I promise, I’ll be okay.
I just can’t feel today.
But... it’s better this way.
It’s just my mental defense.
No I’m not tense.
I’m indifferent to everything.
Yes, everything.
I’ll be fine tomorrow.
I promise it’s not sorrow.
Just let me be today,
and tomorrow you’ll see I really am okay.
I wrote this while having an episode of derealization. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically when you detach from reality (although much more scientific than that). This is more than just “zoning out.” Its almost like a dream. It’s having the inability to feel absolutely anything. Often times my senses feel muffled. Everything just seems fuzzy, distant, and unreal. Indifferent is the only word I’ve found to describe how I feel in the moment accurately, because every other word I’ve tried implies emotion, and there is none during a derealization episode. Sometimes when this happens I don’t recognize my own body as me. It seems like I’m trapped inside a foreign body just watching life happen. My body goes into auto pilot and acts normal, so usually no one even notices. However, sometimes if it’s a really strong derealization episode, even my body doesn’t function properly and I seem withdrawn and depressed. This poem is supposed to be me reassuring someone who sees me in that extreme state that I will be okay. That I’m not depressed, not mad, not sad, etc. But that I just need time for this feeling (or more like lack there of) to wear off. I wanted to write it with an air of patience, due to my inability to be annoyed by people’s questions while I’m experiencing it.
Mateah Dec 2019
A love that learns to see
The individual
Is a love that sees the whole
Not their residuals
Mateah Feb 2019
Perfection is a goal
No man can truly claim
Growth is a goal
Any man can attain

Strive for perfection
And you'll be aggravated
Stride towards improvement
And you'll be appreciated
Just a little encouragement. No one's perfect, and it's useless to set a goal you can never reach. Try to improve and grow. Don't set your focus on perfection or you'll consistently let yourself down.
Mateah Oct 2018
If you ever climb a mountain
There's something you shouldn't do
Do not build your home on the mountain
Simply because of the view

You can stay there for a little bit
Enjoy it while it lasts
But when the time comes
Let the past be the past

If you hold on to a moment
Till you've held on far too long
You'll miss the enjoyment of today
And that moment becomes a worn out song

So if you dwell in the past
Let go and move on instead
Once you look forward you'll realize
There are only more beautiful mountains ahead

As you move on you'll want to look back
At the things that you've come over
The peaks, the creeks, the valleys,
The glaciers, the rivers

Look back. That's okay!
Take a minute to reflect
Your past can help you prepare
For what might be coming next

While you're looking though, be careful
With how your time is spent
Because every moment looking back
Is one less step towards your next ascent
I've gone through a struggle of not letting go of my past. Most people have a hard time letting go of the bad stuff in their past, but I think just as many people have a hard time letting go of the good stuff. We spend too much time admiring the "good old days" and wishing we had them back. It keeps us from fully experiencing the "now" and from truly moving forward. I'm not saying to forget everything you ever experience. It's perfectly okay to fondly reminisce about good memories or to every now and then cry about bad ones. Just don't DWELL in your past experiences.
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