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  Dec 2014 AnActualToaster
Ellen Marie
:)
You should smile more often
they always say
As if a twitch of muscles
could take this pain away
I look at you and I see half-finished poems and words that don’t exist, your eyes are like indigo oceans I keep drowning in but somehow I don’t mind not being able to breathe.  I wish I knew more about why you are the way you are, what terrifies you the most about yourself, and why I find it difficult to catch my breath when you look at me as if I am a stolen daydream. You make up for a lot of things, really, like going through fourth period half asleep because last night it took me three hours to stop thinking about you. You make up for that, and everything else. You are made of electricity and good intentions stitched together with a voice that could shatter a million hearts, and I am just a lost soul wondering why I trust you with mine. And I do, I do, I trust you with my stupid old heart, and I want to memorize every single corner of yours like the back of my hand. I want to know how a heart like yours could love such a wounded one like mine, but maybe that’s what love is, sacrificing perfection for something tragically real. I look at you and I see fluctuating potential, like the morning sun peeking out behind tired gray clouds, and how sometimes that has to be enough. Ever since I met you, my heart has remembered how to beat, my hands have remembered how to hold, and you love me enough to make me forget how much I don’t love myself. Maybe you are temporary and maybe you’re an illusion, but I still cling to the hope that maybe, this is why I held on until now.
I’m scared of dying

I’m tired of crying

I look in her eyes

She says I’m lying

She says I’m ugly

She says I’m a *****

I leave the mirror

And slit my wrists

She left her mark

I felt her sting

The voice in my head

Urges me to bring

The blade to my arm

Not sure if I’m living

I go to sleep

I wake up again

I go see her

For another conversation.
  Dec 2014 AnActualToaster
em
The way I feel about you terrifies me.
I have never felt this way before and I don't know that I can let myself, that I even want to feel like this. All I know is you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I think I need you in my life more than I want you there.
I'll smile,
     pretend
  I'm okay...
Better than the
          truth
   Anyways.
First in my series of lies.
Click #mylittlelies for the opener and click #mytruths for the previous series.
Thanks.
  Dec 2014 AnActualToaster
Unpuresoul
I hate this feeling
But time and time again
This feeling is everything but appealing
I reach for a blade but what have I to gain

I feel sick; knotted stomach
For my demons are feeding
I try to think but my head it aches
I feel my emotions building; breeding

I hate this feeling
But this cage I wait
Ever so patiently waiting
for my demons to escape

*I whisper "Not again"
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