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Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2018
Crave you like an addict
Miss your poisonous high
I'm happy without you or drugs
Yet I want you and I dont know why
Your love is my drug
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2018
Some are born broken
One rung in their genetic ladder twisted differently
Selfish, uncaring, and weak, among other things..
Whichever fatal flaw, their cursed souls just don't seem to be able to change
These are the people that explode like bombs
Leaving a wake of destruction everywhere they go

Some are broken by something else
One tragedy shakes them with such viciousness feelings rattle loose
Falling to the bottom of their body
Sunk somewhere dark they don't know how to reach
Once this happens, they are never the same again
Cold heartache in their guarded eyes
Regardless of how many lonely years pass

The worst broken is to he born whole
Over days and months of misery and frustrated failure
Little pieces chip away
By the chisels of surrounding people
Whether it is an unkind word spoken
A careless lie believed
An act of spite or betrayal
Even faultless unreciprocated love
Each time they are hurt or disappointed another piece is shaved off their soul
When enough goodbyes and unanswered questions have taken their share
Eventually all the goodness eroded creates a crater so big
There isn't anything real left at all
I am the last one
Amanda Kay Burke Oct 2018
Gasping for air like fish on land
Feel my heart's pace quicken
Desperate to escape mocking reality
I savor these drugs kick in

To fly a distance from here is my aim
Run far so I can start over
I am too close to unhealthy triggers
I'm losing ambition, why should I get sober?

It is not love I'm seeking out
Looking for internal happiness
Do not ask me why I'm always blue
Then tell me I must be depressed

I want to be normal, been so long
Need to defeat my addiction
Can't find the strength that used to reside
Just can't let go of this affliction

Desire the drive to be better
My mind stuck in a deep rut
Must be missing part of the formula
Just can't figure out what
It feels like I have all the pieces to the puzzle I am just too stupid or too impatient to figure out how to win.
Amanda Kay Burke Oct 2018
Wish I could run away from here
I am ready for an escape from lows
Hands habitually reach for your skin
I sense the danger when close

I know you are toxic and addictive
Exactly how bad you are for me
My heart always leads me back to you
With my mind it will not agree

I keep replying to your messages
They make me very sad
Showing how short of a distance we have come
In the five long years we have had

History keeps on repeating itself
The cycle is very clear
It's so hard to let go of the thing
More than anything else I hold dear

I attempt to remain your friend
We both want something more
We foolishly still pretend there's hope
To regain closeness we felt before

At times I feel strange around you
Most of the time I feel hurt
The passionate affection had for you
Buried under six feet of dirt

If I forget all the wounds you inflicted
Undo the pain I caused you to feel
We could start anew like the past never happened
Like the awful grey days wasted were not even real

The sorrowful memories persistently exist
Plaguing mind with nightmares dark
Try to erase the patient moments embedded
They will forever stay stuck in my heart
I could run away forever if I had you by my side
I can escape my problems if you match me stride for stride
  Oct 2018 Amanda Kay Burke
AR
My sentence?  Life imprisonment
Trapped within an invisible cell
Condemned to endure a silent torture
In a self-created hell.

Each day the same as the last one
A routine known off by heart
Granted family and friends play the role of extras
But I always star as the leading part.

The role of the happy-go-lucky
Who laughs and always seems overjoyed
Who comes to the aid of the extras
But happy-go-lucky inside feels destroyed.

Completely defeated serving this life sentence
It seems theres no hope of gaining parole
Questioning a future outside of this self made prison
Ill mental health finally taking its toll.
Amanda Kay Burke Oct 2018
Without you I am lost

How do I navigate winding emotions alone?
What is needed to direct my feet forward instead of backwards?
Which way is North?
How do I know without owning a compass or even a vague faded map?

Sobriety is quite a puzzling place to lose your way
I need assistance

Someone to help me solve
The riddle I have become
I am in the process of discovering my true self and it is challenging to say the least
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