“Everyone has there addiction “
I was told by my father of a ride home after a long weekend and it stuck with me as if everyone is struggling with something it helped ease some anxiety and my dads were drugs and my moms the finding my pain calming to her knowing she caused some of it and mine well was far worse they would say as if I didn’t know and whenever I had a chance to satisfy my urges I would because I had nothing to lose except my life and of course that was my goal

I look in this mirror of mirrors seeing everything wrong with me and who I been in this last year I have loved, hated, lost, and lived a little more than I usually do and I have loved a little bit more than I usually do and hated myself a little more than I usually do but I still yet to be a little bit more of the person I want to become but let's see if I can make it to next year :)

I wanna love
I know its everyone's dream or most of the population  
but I'm too hard to love in this state my emotions twist and turn like the streets of this city this big city of lovestruck teens but hey
everyone looks a different way to a different person I'm a pit stop among the long road of amazing sights and amazing people
but hey at least i give my all right?
even if i get shot down as soon as i get to that happy place because maybe i don't deserve it or maybe I'm doing something wrong
and maybe just maybe i try to hard
don't chase just wait
then
what?

The more I think In This head of mine
The more I think of past times in the wind like wind chimes as I pick from my favorites of those memories in my mind the more I see they will never be just mine

I already have a broken heart
  yet with this heart
I will never part
with it in pieces like a freshly opened puzzle
you changed my point of view you
showed me with every piece there's a story
not a failure

Have you ever just looked up at the stars? Just you and yourself and I mean really looked at them what will you be doing the next time every star on that night is in the same spot where will you be? who will you be? you make so many choices every day so how about today you make the choice to be a better person the next time you look at those stars and they are in the same spot but you're not

making bad decisions is my whole brand  
no matter the day
no matter the weather
I make bad decisions knowing what I'm doing
and it could be the self-destruction I long for
it could be the stupid smile they put on there stupid face that says they love me that leads me down a rabbit hole of pain
chains linking me to my incompetence
the gun I put to my head to say "I'm okay"
but the choice I made this time
might be one of my best but we shall see
Isn’t that right love?

With the screaming in my ears and the thuds, I can feel through these cheap floorboards but it’s the best we Can afford. Is there a stop to this meaningless pain he feels like inflicting?

How much more can you take?

I asked as her children are sobbing for there mom to be safe and okay yet I hear no answer as I hear you fall one gets brave and run toward the door of the crime and gets pushed down and made fun of cause

"he’s annoying"

they said as well did everyone so he became more silent even though he might have been one of the smartest there. 6-year-old who was slower than the other kids but got made fun of by his stepdad for
not being able to say what he needed

when yelled at frozen in fear he wouldn’t move scared for something to happen to him

now the only thing they have is the scars and trauma for back then

im glad its over

I think life is just full of pain and those moments of joy you feel in between those terrible days or weeks hell maybe terrible years are just that, moments. Those moments where you truly smile and look out the window and are happy that you can see that beauty of this war stricken world up close is what we need to be grateful for its what we live for and im finally okay with that

As I sit with the sand at me feet
And the crash of waves in arms length
All I can think about
Is you
Holding my hand in yours
Telling me
This will never change