Because the voices keep screaming
because it's so loud
because there were no tears in your eyes
when you said your good bye
because the morning is cold
and so is the evening, the night,

because a thought of you gives me shivers
all the way to the spine
because I don't know if you ever loved me
or if it's all just a lie
because I find you disgusting
and adore you at the same time

because I don't want to talk to you
and I am scared you won't write back
because I want you to hold me
for the last time
because I want you to see me naked
and feel the lust in your eyes

because I want this to be over
because I don't want this to be over
because I know I still love you
because I know I can't stop
because it's killing me
because I want to die

They creep in silence these tangled thoughts of mine.

Quiet contemplating thoughts and no restriction of time

The what if's and why haven't I's?

They  chew you up like a new found obsession

Then spit you out leave you second guessing

Cleanse your mind of all assurance

Build you up then **** your endurance

kind of glad I learned my lesson.

Never let your mind control the weapon

Self doubt

They always compare love to a burning fire
And say, " you ignited my heart into flames"
But you were the frozen furnace
The ancient stove that no one ever bothered to heat up
You were cold down to the core and I had electrical heat running through my veins
And everytime I touched you you gave me frostbite
I tried so hard but you were too numb
And sooner or later,
I ran out of match sticks to keep this pathetic excuse of a fire alive
Because I was the forest fire and your were the water that drowned me

when you hear your alarm go off the first time,
and then the second time,
and the third you finally open your eyes to
find yourself surrounded by the same four walls as yesterday -
it's okay if you press snooze again.
it's okay to go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're putting on your mascara,
and then your eyeliner,
and all the other crap that makes you feel pretty -
it's okay if you cry it all off.
it's okay to go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're putting on your favourite jeans,
and your comfy sweater,
and they just don't fit the same as they used to
because you're not the same as you once were -
it's okay to try something different.
it's also okay to just go back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you're walking down the hallway to your first class,
and then your second one and it's all just as dreadful,
and you can't concentrate on anything other than
just picking up one foot after the other, just getting there -
it's okay to just be present physically for today, if that's all you can manage.
but maybe, it would be okay if you just went back to bed today.

but you don't.

when you get home and your mom calls you for dinner,
once, twice, and three times,
but you're just not hungry and you're not sure you can
keep up the stone face you've been wearing all day -
it's okay to ask her to save some for you to have later.
just go back to bed, just give yourself some room to breathe.

but  you don't.

every day, you fight the same battle.
and if it feels like you're not making any progress,
just remember that you didn't go back to bed -
and you could have -

**but you didn't.

..and then she kisses,
sets me free
unburdens
takes the weight of me,
whispers in my ear,
'there,there dear,
don't get upset,
we've only just started
and not there yet,
be patient,
and then she kisses.

I lost myself in the ways that I tried to love you
& I lost myself in the ways that I tried to make you love me

I lost myself through bruised knuckles
& blood-stained wrists

I lost myself that time, at your friend’s house, when I said no,
& you didn’t listen

I lost myself in our endless fights
& how you always made me feel like it was my fault

I lost myself the night you grabbed me in the arena
& left “your mark” for two weeks

I found myself the day we said goodbye
& it felt like I could breathe again

I found myself when then the scars started to fade
& the bruises disappeared

I found myself when your words no longer haunted me
& the thought of you didn’t break my heart anymore

I found myself when I stopped thinking about you
& started thinking about myself

how do you stop yourself from becoming a living contradiction? what do you do when no one has taught you the proper way to respond to the pain sprouting through cracks and seams and overgrowing the gardens of your mind, suffocating the beautiful because there is simply not enough room, what do you do when you’re trying to swallow the panic bubbling up in your throat? where does that heat come from, that builds in the backs of your eyes like all the hurt you bundled up for safe-keeping because some fights aren’t worth having, even when you can feel your heart breaking, a little at a time? why is the emptiness and the darkness always so much bigger than anything else? when does it stop feeling like a form of torture to leave the house and when does everything stop representing him in small and insignificant ways, every hour, every minute, every second? how do you stop the deep pit from forming in that area of your chest every time you accidentally stumble on a song that holds echoes of him in it’s crevices? echoes that escape like whispers of smoke and riddle holes in you, relentlessly and eternally? how the hell is someone both everywhere and nowhere all at once? when do you stop waking up in cold sweats because you are so achingly alone? where is the pavilion of shelter? when does it stop feeling like a war that you’re only fighting with yourself?

-*k.c.

the curves on my
frame are the lines of
a sketch bent slightly
too far; i'm an awkward
angle in geometry
class no one dares to
find and this tiny black

dress is revealing too
much in too little
time. the whispers of
crisscrossed marked
thighs and starry knees
swirl before me and i'm

gone, disconnected. they say
black is slimming but
i've never felt more
potent and i hope
to god no one can see
right through me.

formal dances aren't
ideal for the invisible.