For her,
As it always should have been.
For her,
As it always should be,
For her,
When her hearts full of grief,
And she’s crying cuz of me.

After the silence settles,
Like dust.
We hardly feel dumb struck.
Sideways glances to say with my eyes:
For her.

And her long hair,
And her loud laugh,
And the long walks,
And the loud laughs,
Will never be mine again.

--For her--

I keep rewriting this because I know it's the first time I'll write about you in weeks, and I don't think it matters how many letters I put together to spell out words that remind me of you because none of them will do you justice. You're too good for this. I want to become a better writer just so I can properly explain the color of your eyes because I want for whoever is reading this to know just how beautiful you are. I don't want to write something that isn't as good as you are. I know you probably don't think of me anymore but I sure as hell think of you and I am done apologizing for it. I'm not angry anymore but I still wish you'd come back to me. I know that one day you will or maybe I am just holding on to something that isn't really there. I'm tired of hearing your name and getting chills down my spine, tired of seeing something that reminds me of you and feeling my knees buckle beneath me. I don't want to remember you but I am scared of forgetting you.

stars spilled out from the night sky
into morning, mourning,
and
so did your skin.

please know, your
voice is
louder than any gunshot now
even as new bullets echo against
your gravestone.

dear freshman class,

1. It doesn't always have to be the love song or the funeral march
you are not obligated nest yourself in extremes
believe me, they will tell you how classrooms feel like caskets but you are by no means decomposing

2. You are but children in a linoleum jungle, young wild things at play, you are fresh fruit, ripe but not yet forbidden. Do not rush to grow into your bones just yet, we all want that kind of wiggle room back.  

3. the seniors will leave, your boyfriend will dump you, your friends will change, but the sky will still be the sky,  the sun will still be the sun, and the world will not end. With any good day comes skinned knees, bruises and dirt, remember that.

4. Maybe you'll try out loving with an open wound, come out bitter with your teeth knocked out, come out damaged or guilty. Fifteen is an awfully inconvenient time to love someone, I'm not telling you to be afraid, you already are, all I'm saying is learn to let go as fast as you learned to hold on, accept defeat, know that people can only ruin you if you let them.

5. It will feel like getting beat down sometimes, but you too will find good use for your knuckles, for your hands, your lips, your tongue. It will feel like getting beat down sometimes but you too will find people to patch you up. People to find comfort in, people to text at 2 am, people that stay.

Hi. Hey. What's up, how's it going?
Not much, nothing really, *** it's snowing!
You're so cute, we should meet soon.
Where? What time? I have a meet at noon.
I'll pick you up, I'll be there to cheer you on.
At my school, after my parents are gone.
I can't wait to see you, *** you're cute!
I have to sleep, be up early, phone on mute.

Hi. Hey. What are you doing?
Not much, laying down, just chilling.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Um... I don't know what to say.
It's okay, takes time, sooner or later.
You sure? You know I'm a fierce debater.
***, I love you, you're super funny.
Thank you, let's go, it's kind of sunny.

Hi. Hey. I have something to tell you.
What is it? You okay? Got the flu?
No, last night, I'm sorry I told you a lie.
It's okay, I don't understand, tell me why?
I don't know, it felt right. By the way there's this guy.
It's okay, but this is a break, you didn't have a to tell a lie.
I miss you, please! I'm so sorry...
It's raining, I cant .. Do you hear your story?

Hi.
Hi. Hey. How was your day?
Good.
Wanna come over? I'm bored.
Busy.
Oh, well, I have something to tell you!
What?
I love you, I love you, I love you!

Oh...
Oh.

Tell me we are nothing.
Tell me we are nothing so I won't have to worry where you are going when you say you can't tonight,
When you cancel last minute,
When you make strange excuses.
Tell me we are nothing so I don't get invested and I don't think about what I'll wear when I see you or what you're doing right now.
Please, please, tell me we are nothing so I don't cry when you disappear, so I don't tell you everything, so I don't think I am special.  
Please tell me we are nothing.
I don't want to fall asleep with you and just be a shadow in the background of your love.
Please tell me we are nothing.
Please.
Please.
Please.