The room around is opaque
But there is no Raven to be seen
Only the monstrosities that disfigure in the light.
A butterfly contorts into a moth and we are one in the same-
The whispering in the night seems to turn me inside out.
Goosebumps and bruises and scars.
This skin that needs to shed.
Like drug store perfume, it fades away
And before you know it, you're clean.
You're clean and you're ripe and you're pure.
And before you know it you're still sitting in the same corner
Begging yourself to cry wolf.
I lit you a birthday candle
and yelled at God
For the moments he has left me
Beams of clarity
Seem to remind me
you are what is missing
In a Stranger's house
In waves of sleep
Where are you?
I want you to blow out your candles
I want you to rip open the gifts
I need you to be here
And I need you to be clear
Of my face.
the things I said make my eyes sore
The things I didn't do much worse
I'm angry at time for pushing us further apart
If only we could go back to the start.
how does one talks of death so casually
how do you tell someone you tried to end your life as if it's a cake walk
How do you tell the story of almost jumping off a cliff like it's somebody else's story to tell
How dare you tease gravity like that.
One step forward, never come back.
Rolling rolling rolling down my cheeks
I can't help it that you talk of death so bleak.
You're punching clocks and he's punching walls because he doesn't understand what you're trying to say. Are you crazy? Boys don't speak metaphor, baby.
He's playing ****** knuckles and you're speaking 10 different languages trying to explain how much you love him without saying it pointblank.
I'm scraping my knees begging you to understand and the only thing you can muster is, "are you okay?" You're putting band-aids on wounds I was never planning on trying to heal. I'm pouring my heart out and you're too busy getting towels to clean up the spill to even notice what I'm saying.
My words hit your ears like fists against cement and I can't keep giving you everything just to watch you break it all in front of me.
I want you to know how it feels to be the shattered glass instead of the hand that drops it.
I want you know how it feels to be a rooftop instead of the nails that bolt it down.
And more than anything I want you to know how it feels to be someone I could never love.
I do not know how to put this much hurt into words but im going to try.
Loving you is like a reflex.
It's like im screaming I love you I love you I love you and by the time im finished I realize it didn't even hurt that bad and all im left with is a sore throat and a bad taste in my mouth.
I feel like all you're ever doing is whispering.
Stop telling me you love me when the world goes silent
Stop telling me you love me with your hands pressed against my skin
STOP TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME IN HAND GESTURES AND HIEROGLYPHICS WHEN I DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WOULD SHOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME AT THE PEAK OF THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN FOR EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TO HEAR
I am tired of hearing you speak to me in symphonies and blanking out on stage.
I am tired of only being spoken to in body language and im tired of hearing you say sorry like it's my name.
What im trying to say is if practice makes perfect then how come you only ever love me with the lights off?
1/12 poems from my new book I luh dis one
Im empty past the point of trying to write metaphorical ******* about it and there is an ache inside of my chest that I can't feel anymore but I know it's still there. There's a hole inside of my heart and its permanently reserved for everything I never got to say to you. It's weird how emptiness is so filling. How you can be completely full of nothing and hear the silence so loudly in your head that your ears start to bleed. Im tired of not knowing your favorite color and I'm tired of you not being able to tell me. Im tired of writing you words you will never be able to read and I'm tired of feeling your last breath in every one I take.I guess what I'm trying to say is I am tired of everything but you and you're the only thing I can't have.
I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.