Stumble in at 3AM
I'm drunk again
Kick shoes off at the door
Drop my keys on the floor
Fumble for the lights
Man I miss Friday nights
Crashing on the couch in my clothes
Being somebody that no one knows

Once an addict always an addict
And I'm back in the attic
Blowing dust off picture frames and knickknacks
Stirring up old feelings and panic attacks
These memories so fragile
These demons so quick and agile
None of it ever goes away
Just covered until a cloudy day
When my soul decides to do some housekeeping
But this is something no spring cleaning
Could ever completely sanitize
Until I come to realize
That this is no longer me
Just remnants of what I used to be

I just want to make you gasp and moan
Run out of breath but screaming for more
Treat you like a queen on her throne
Spread your legs and make your spirits soar
It's all so filthy romantic
To you just ***** bedroom talk
Simply playing with semantics
But I'm more than talk I walk the walk
It's not about you and me
Because Lord knows I'm a lost soul
It's about us being we
Because that's what makes me whole
The claw marks up my back
Just the graffiti of passion
Still dressed in black
That's just my fashion
I'm not me unless I'm bleeding
So scratch and bite and tear me open
I'm begging almost pleading
My blood is poetry in motion

I somehow enjoy the pain
Of countless needle ******
Like I love to watch the rain
As it falls on my window and sticks
The outcome worth the process
So much more than I can express

Her eyes express longing you cannot fathom
You try so very hard to cross that chasm
Knowing nothing else matters but reaching her
You dream of the day that connection will occur
She is something you can't and won't define
She is the definition of what you need
In the distance a hazy and vague outline
And somehow because of her your soul is freed
You miss her though she was never truly yours
As from your open mouth your broken heart pours
Words that try to capture that image so faint
She is a picture you could not ever paint

To everyone waiting to see me fail
I came to let you all know
That this soul ain't for sale
I'm sure you enjoy the show
But this sure isn't for you
It's all for me and I'm all in
You don't know what I've gone through
And you sure don't know where I've been
I've been in the deep end
I've gone through hell once or twice
Enough to know that I'll bend
But won't break in this life
And I spill it all in these lyrics
I'll sing and scream loud as I can
To make sure you hear it
And know I've become the man
That I want to be
But we all know
No matter what we see
There's room to grow
So I search for my answers
I continue to strive
To cure these old cancers
That try to eat me alive

I can't quit it
I can't forget it
I'll admit it
I've been at if for a minute
Playing a game and trying to win it
No matter how I spin it
This is who I am
Without any plan
This is the man
That through it all emerged
After traveling a road that diverged
My demons have been purged
These paths are not paved in gold
Though I walk through the cold
It all seems so old
For every time I fell
For every story I tell
For every single hell
I struggled to make it through
It was all that I could do
To come out as someone new
A few more tears a few more scars
Yet I am still gazing at stars
Daydreaming of things so bizarre
An image in my head a smile on my face
My troubles all vanish without a trace
Knowing all the while that this is my place
I have been broken, beaten, and burned
In all of this I have learned
Love is not given it is earned

I hope you hate me as much as I do
Maybe that's why I go through what I go through
The decisions I make
And the chances I take
All excuses to push away
The love that I want to stay
But I am undeserving
My fear is unnerving
I desire to build
But I only destroy
My dreams are all killed
By my own selfish ploy

My mental health
Is far from sane
Books on the shelf
For days of rain
But I lose track of days
Caught up in the haze
Of the days that I miss
Far from my old bliss
Filling my days with pain
And so I sit in the rain
Waiting for puddles to grow
Into mirrors with my reflection
But even as I stare I'll never know
The reason for my mind's infection
Wishing puddles were lakes
So I could jump in and drown
Escape all the heartaches
See no sights and hear no sound
But the music in my head
Softly, sweetly pronouncing me dead

I hope you're sleeping well
Because I surely can't
When you're gone it's hell
This is just an exhausted rant
About how much I miss you
I'll fit right in with the so called poets
Crying in writing and feeling blue
Knowing that no one will know it
But I'll drop another line
About how my heart is on my sleeve
And that I know I'm not fine
Every time I have to leave
I'm sure I'm stealing from someone
Because all writing is a crime
Everything has been said and done
There is no new line or rhyme
But I hope mine hits close to the heart
Pulls out some passion hidden
Lets you know I can't stand being apart
And that every line is a gift given
In good conscience and spirit
I know my ears are ringing
But do you hear it?
All these recycled notes I'm singing?

Incense and candle wax
Roaches and hookah haze
**** my panic attacks
Numb me into a daze

Guitar strings and piano keys
Gentle breeze and rustling trees
Whispering secrets to my soul
Filling the void patching the hole

Skinny jeans and baggy shirts
Long hair and gentle skin
It heals all of my hurt
The environment I am safe in

Your eyes and soft subtle smile
Content to just stay for awhile
Let my fingertips dance along your arms
Unaware of notifications and ringing alarms

This is my Heaven my Nirvana
My heart talking not the marijuana
You are my drug without the crash
Each passing moment gone in a flash

With you every second is a lifetime
Each one worth repeating
These are simple lines put in rhyme
I just want to feel your heart beating

Dreary
Drizzly
Days
Drowning
Dilapidated
Daisies

Lazy imagination and a
rushing mind
I try to shine light on
the thoughts behind
These vacant stares
and shifty smiles
Like you know I hate you
but would let you stay awhile
I'm dececptive, receptive, stressed out
and so simplisitic
But these images are so perverted
yes I'm so sadistic
Trippin' away in my own
******* basement
Noddin' away to this muzik
content to feel complacent
My mind ebbs and flows
entranced in ink
As it floods the pad it is
everything I ever think

Do you hate me?
Because I know I would
Of all the things I see
I never do I what I should
Drunk at the keys
Going absolutely crazy
Writing whatever I please
While the record plays me
Drives my inspirations
I'm sorry but I'm not
All these crazy sensations
Cause me to give everything a second thought
Double takes and instant replays
Slow motion to analyze every motion
But it only leaves me in a daze
Stuck on your love, my drug, my potion

If I died
Would you miss me?
If I lied
Would you forgive me?
If I love you
Would you love me?

I put One above you
Who do you put above me?

If I hate myself
Would you hate with me?
If I find joy above all else
Would you celebrate with me?
If I'm lonely
Would you stay with me?
If I let sin own me
Would you pray with me?

Save me from sleeping
Save me from nightmares
Show me love worth keeping
Show me a heart that truly cares
Stay and keep me up all night
Stay and keep me craving
Share in this fight
Share a life worth saving

I can only play the hand I was dealt
So no I'm not sorry for what I've felt
Life is nothing short of a gamble
And I know I tend to ramble
I'm just making the most of what I've got
Seeing if you're interested or not
Because I find you rather amazing
I'm really not the best with the phrasing

I'm a little old fashioned
With how I express my passion
Though if you would take the time
To converse with me past the rhyme
I'd hope you'd come to see
There's a whole lot more to me
Than some scattered paper and ink
Allow me to show you how I think

It's a little crazy and far-fetched
Enough that I often get shipwrecked
I blur my reality and dreams
Still don't quite know what it means
But with the woman I see
Could you really even blame me?
I can't imagine anything better
Though I fear the day she reads this letter

Girl you've got me crazy
Heart racing and head hazy
With thoughts of "I love you"
Could you ever love me too

I want you to warm my soul
Please come make me whole
I want to warm your heart
Never let anything tear us apart

These are such silly feelings
That seem to fill my head
They send me reeling
Remind me of passionate words I've read

I only wish I was half as eloquent
Or brave enough to say
The words I know I really meant
Maybe the time will come one day

Until then I sit here and write
Amused by my own anxiety and nerves
It's just another late and lonely night
Sitting here wishing I could trace your curves

My mind is frayed
Making me miss the days
I used to self-medicate
Didn't have to hesitate

Those days are far away
Sobriety making a lengthy stay
And it makes me manic
Paralyzed in an unending panic

Honestly I feel like ****
Calm and composed for a bit
Then hopelessly falling
Substances are calling

And it's ****** up
That I'm stuck up
Left confused and alone
Not to mention dangerously prone

To hatred and deprivation
Brutalized on the verge of starvation
I'm on a downward streak
Feeling more and more weak

So my pen bleeds words
That no one has ever heard

I still think of ending it all
Every now and again
Been awhile since my last fall
But now is different from then
I have a reason to smile
She gives me one every day
And it's been a long while
Since I've felt this way
But old habits die hard
And I'm really not that far
From the same schoolyard
Where I got these scars
From the pain I let overtake me
From all the nightmares on repeat
But that's not all that makes me
I will not wallow in defeat
As each day dawns
I find strength in her eyes
To continue to carry on
To break away from all my lies

I honestly enjoy my head space
Even though me and my demons come face to face
So often it has become mundane
I am rather fond of my brain
Though I know all I do is overthink
So often it puts me on the brink
I've come to appreciate the extremes
And for that matter my daydreams
I fall in and out of reality
Without the slightest feeling of abnormality
Yes I am indeed quite odd
I'm broken, I'm ****** up, I'm flawed
Every day is a discovery
No I'm no in need of recovery

I met my soulmate years ago
A love I never got the chance to know
However I try to push past it
I just can't seem to mask it
All my attempts to numb this pain
Strand me to shoulder my own blame
All these conversations all this history
So well known yet such a mystery
Even as I pen this line
I know she will never be mine
Love is simply complicated
In a sea of souls I'm isolated
Somehow not myself without her
There will always just be something about her

It's so nice to be lost
In something other than my mind
No matter what the cost
I have definitely come to find
That this is me at my best
With a chance to care
A chance to let my soul rest
And I am acutely aware
That this is the highest I get
Consequently the farthest I fall
But I never find it to be a bad bet
Because all good things start small
Though I tend to move quick
It's by no means in a rush
It's just you give my brain a kick
And here I am with a bit of a crush

I miss you so much
Even though you're still here
But we're out of touch
And I'm caught up in this fear
That one day you'll walk away
When all I want is for you to stay
Soulmates destined to be apart
And it will always break my heart
That I never really had you
The one person that made me new

Save me
I can't
You see
This rant
As crazy
My mind
Is hazy
Please find
My solution
In confusion
Each line
Only two
Not fine
Without you

Peace is never mine to keep
I find no solace in sleep
I wake and I want to weep

For no dreams come to me
No visions of beauty
Darkness is all I see

For me there is no rest
Struggle to be my best
With my heart torn from chest

A painting in red
And finally silence
An infinite flat line
I am not dead
There is no violence
Trust me I am fine

We spend so long
Telling kids what not to do
Warning them of what is wrong
What is "bad for you"

"Don't drink alcohol"
"Don't do drugs"
They drive you off the wall
They make you violent thugs

This method makes me furious
Feed them information
Then tell them not to be curious
Wonder what's wrong with this nation?

We don't let people be
Be themselves for once
So *******, sincerely, me
You legalistic dunce

I dabble in dreams
Singing with the sirens
Masking my shrill screams
I'm searching for guidance

These eyes are empty
I'm living outside of me
My demons tempt me
Form a different reality

I spend days in a cloud of smoke
With my nose buried in my collar
The more I try the more I know I'm broke
Living lackluster life in squalor

I'm panhandling on the corner of the street
With only pieces of my broken heart in my paper cup
Yet I find it so hard to admit defeat
I'm down not out I'll pick myself back up

Tight pants and baggy shirts
I haven't eaten yet today
Right now my stomach hurts
Smoke later and I'll be okay

I have this obsession
With being sickly thin
Caused by my depression
I hate the shape I'm in

I'm already so skinny
So there isn't any logic
You probably wouldn't pin me
For someone who cannot stop it

My mind hates my body
My soul hates my mind
My mind tries to rob me
My soul leaves me blind

So I wage this war daily
Until one of them fails me
For now I let my ribs show
Like feelings you'll never know

And this isn't some kind of joke
Or some sad poetic fiction
I live off cigarettes and Coke
Struggling with this odd addiction

I genuinely hate this situation
I put myself in isolation
To honestly see what I am to everyone
As I thought before I am no one
Days of silence could turn to weeks
Yet no so called "friend" speaks
I am lost within my own contradictions
As were my initial predictions
So here I sit ****** up off something
Knowing all I'll ever be is nothing
I can barely see what I'm writing
With my blurry vision and this dim lighting
But it'll all be over soon I hope
I'm so far past trying to cope

I found the woman I adore
Wandering through head shops and record stores
Glowing eyes behind her sunshades
My depression my melancholy fades
Tattoo parlors and rock shows
Are all I've come to know
My punk, gypsy, hippie queen
More beautiful than anything I've seen
But romance doesn't happen this way
I'm left without the words to say
I choke on my intentions and fears
Past pain echoes that I still hear
All my doubts break me down
Stuck on the girl I never found

I remember sixteen
Watching a family fall apart
I remember eighteen
Giving love a fresh start
I remember twenty
Walking away from a girl
Knowing there was plenty
Of life in the world
Yet now I'm twenty two
Had some fun and bad breaks
I remember having you
Thinking I had what it takes
I can feel twenty three
Coming up far too fast
When I look back what I'll see
Is a polaroid of my short past
Still be the same punk I am now
Chasing all the same little thrills
All the while wondering how
I've survived the smoke, the drinks, and the pills
I'm not looking for lessons or lectures
I've already walked the stage twice
Sorry but I'm not lookingfor direction
Towards what you people call a life

I did it!
...Well for a week or so
Partial credit?
...I tried real hard though

Or at least this is how I feel during sobriety
Rather after I have just ended a short stint
I drift off and become a member of my own society
Get quiet and hope the world will take the hint

I really can't handle myself or how I misinterpret things
I'm lost in the translation from my head to the real world
You'll never know the pain the memory of you brings
I was lost and found, nothing and everything all because of a girl

I never did it...
And never will!
I only hid it...
Have you had your fill?

In the end I hope  you're all justified
In knowing no matter what I would've died
It really has nothing to do with any of you
I'm just done with what I've been going through
Honestly my only regret is trying so ******* hard
All the while knowing I'd only end up broken and scarred
I was broken long before anyone found out
I'm past wanting to know what life is about
I have tried to nurse my crippled soul
No warmth comes from a heart with holes
Both have been frozen for so long
I still can't find where I went wrong
I'm stuck up in my own issues and ills
So I'm ****** up off these papers and pills
Just a ghost leaving what's left of me
On this pad for the world to see

So close to falling off the face of the planet
I wouldn't ever expect you to understand it
I'm in my soul's embrace with eyes closed
I'm entrapped in these beautiful prose
I am safe here in this bliss
Where I can't remember what I miss
No I'm not jaded I'm fully aware
How long will I be gone before someone cares?

I can't feel my face
Do I know this place?
I've been here before
I can't take any more
I'll fall off the ******* map
Pick up and go and never look back
Afraid to say most wouldn't notice
It took awhile but trust me I know this
Everyone wants you to try so **** hard
But God forbid you expect an inch when you give a yard
Than again how much could I possibly comprehend?
I'm just slouched at the keys, sketched out, at wit's end
This is just a poor excuse for a freestyle
Stream of consciousness once in awhile
I'm so close to ending my effort to care about others
I've had family had friends had lovers
But never found my mutual muse
So I'm stuck with these things I abuse
Mary Jane and John Jameson are good company
Though they tend to lead to a different me
I've come to be scared of my mirrors
No matter how I stare I can't see clear

On the brink of mental collapse
And I wish that I would
Or that I could just relapse
Back to a mask and a hood
A smoke filled mind
Apathy as perfection
Leaving the rest behind
Cleaned out like an infection
Washed away with relief
My wounds are stinging
As I sill hold some belief
That somewhere bells are ringing
Though I have forgotten why
I continue to ponder
Or even continue to try
As back into darkness I wander
To search for happiness unknown
Or contentedness I've never been shown

I stand on the open porch
Out in the winter cold
My cigarette is my torch
Though they're making me old

My soul has been there for awhile
I hope my body never meets it
I want to go out in my own style
I hope my old age never greets it

That's if I reach old age
I guess I hope to do so
See life in a new stage
And help others learn and grow

Give me a reason to live
Or give me a reason to die
I can't handle in between
Do you even want to give
Anything other than a goodbye
Just another somber scene
I lie awake in bed
Wanting nothing more
Than for it to end
But I can't stay out of my head
I can't settle the score
Breaking after the bend
Shattered in to countless pieces
That once resembled a heart
Pushed too hard to find
Meaningful releases
But I ******* fell apart
Lost hope and went blind

Many days I feel worthless
Even more I question my purpose
Too much to explain
Everyone feels pain
Everyone cries their eyes out
Has something to talk about
I don't need someone to understand
Just someone to offer a hand
To let me struggle and break down
Knowing that I will come back around
Because if there's one thing I'm sure of
It's that I know how to love
But continue to learn every day
That there is always a new way

These are the nights I used to drink away
Sitting alone in my prison cell
But I am trying to stay sober every day
Still stuck in my own solitary hell
I want so badly to break free
I want to let loose all my dreams and nightmares
For everyone to see
But I honestly don't know that anyone cares
My skin itches and my body aches
And every day I hear that abuse calling me back
To stay here and stay safe is what it takes
To keep it all from fading to black
I struggle to even think that I can make it
Through this trial I choose
To continue to fake it
But I can't afford to lose

You changed my life in so many ways
I struggled to make it through the day
Before you walked through that door
And showed me what life was for
I could never explain what you mean to me
I could never describe all the beauty I see
Your smile reflects my soul
To hear you laugh makes me whole
Nothing could ever be better
Than when we're together
Every moment every minute
No matter how you spin it
To me is pure bliss
With every little kiss
Every whispered word of affection
Strengthens that connection
You're what I have missed for so long
And all I have is this simple song

Is my tongue stimulating?
Because chasing your love is so frustrating
I was only ever after your heart
You only ever pushed us apart
It seems I can never win
No matter where I go or where I've been
I always lost myself in you
There's nothing else I can do
I search my soul and wrack my brain
To find some other cure for this pain
There is no cure no prescription
To feed my love addiction

It's so hard to get inspired
When I feel so **** pathetic
Drugs get my brain so wired
Lately life just feels so synthetic
So fake so pretend
My head is buzzing hands shaking
Through it all in the end
I just don't want to be faking
I feel like a waste of time
Stuck in my cycle of inebriation
I feel like I'm wasting rhymes
Teasing myself with my imgination

Call up the doc
Time for new meds
Stuck on the cell block
Feeding my simple head
Solitary confinement is so loud
At least until they bring me pills
I can't say that I'm proud
Of all these cheap thrills
Of all the things I abuse
At least they're always there
Something I can constantly use
To cover up the fact no one cares

You give me peace of mind
I give you a piece of my heart
Searching only to find
That this is just the start
Of something more
Or maybe it ends in disappointment
Feeling like we're meant for more
Some special soul anointed
To spread something we don't know
Something lost on this world
But there must be room to grow
A small yet significant pearl
Of the wealth of greater beings
And it's impossible to explain
What I am sitting here seeing
Through all my pride and pain
I'm always cut back down
By repercussions of my actions
I crash back to the ground
Surrounded by distractions
Can't see through the mist
Can't hear through the static
Feeling the sweet kiss
Finding love is automatic

In my darkest nightmare
In the mirror I stare

I see my mouth stitched shut
My eyes glazed and wrists cut

No one around to see my pain
My tears and muffled cries in vein

Because I am more alone
Than I have ever known

Feeling nothingness gripping
Feeling my life now slipping

I whimper one last time
I write my one last rhyme

Lie on the floor awaiting death
And take my final fading breath

So many false truths
Even more honest lies
From beautiful youths
With such eager eyes
It is in such contradictions
We all become such slaves
To our own convictions
Until we fall asleep in our graves

These pits six feet deep
Tucked away in the back of the mind
With all the secrets we keep
Hoping no one will ever find
So afraid of what people think
About our scars and flaws
Knowing they won't see the link
Between the effect and the cause

Little do we know
Everyone has their fair share
That they won't show
For fear no one will care
As such all demons feed
On this cycle of pain and shame
Not only this they breed
Bringing more players to the game

This bottle is my baby
This smoke is my lady
These rhymes are my therapy
Need my shades just to see
My eyes stay low
A soul you couldn't possibly know
The word rehab makes me laugh
My self-medication helps me with my craft
At this point in my existence
I lack any sort of persistence
It might as well all be gibberish
Honestly if I had one wish
It would be to never gain my sanity
Because I already lost faith in humanity
So this craziness keeps me somehow hopeful
These substances make me vocal
Breaking the levee to let the words cause a flood
My own thoughts and emotions boil my blood
I could never aptly describe this concept
Even after years of searching I'm inept
This person isn't even slightly reminiscent
Of who I once was and is now so distant
I am a shadow a ghost
Afraid of what I desire most
My effort has only ever shattered me
Beaten, broken, and battered me
Though silence accomplishes very little
I am stuck somehow here in the middle
Of constant outbursts and pure withdrawal
As is the definition of my constant fall
Into depression and anxiety
Only worsened by 'sobriety'