I just want to cry
But I cant
My head hurts so bad
The lights are back on
But now I want them off
It hurts my head
My brain feels like it's gonna explode
Maybe I want it to
Maybe I shouldn’t but it sounds enticing
Almost Exciting
But they tell me not to think of that
Why can’t I dream
My only escape
My mind
It races

Going on a tangent
Broken sentences
My brain is not working right
I think it needs oil
It seems a little rusty
They hand me a pill bottle
When I asked for help
Pieces falling to the floor
I try to put them back
But they don’t seem to fit

Reality is fake
And people aren’t perfect
we hide our emotions with masks
And this I am certain
We act so happily
When we’re actually not
Everyone is fake
Why are we turning to robots

You throw me out
Like a piece of trash
Then rope back in
Like I’m gold
This is a never-ending cycle
Don’t you think
This is getting old
We hate each other
Then we love each other
We treat each other
Like a sister and a brother

I was in the first grade
I was sitting down during storytime next to this kid named Michael
I was a normal kid
I chased boys on the playground and I was friends with mostly girls
Who knows what my teacher was reading
I wasn’t paying attention
I was staring at Michael
He was my first crush
I didn't know why I liked him but I did
Something came over me and as he’s intently listening to the story
I turn to him and kissed him
He looks back at me in disgust and thankfully no one saw me do it
I never talked to him again and he moved that next year

I'm in the fifth grade
I'm texting one of my best friends and the time
He just happens to be a guy
He texts me a picture of someone from a game
It's a cute character so I type “ aww he’s cute”
Autocorrect had a different plan for me and changed it to “ aww you're cute”
I started freaking out at what he would say
But he responded with “ your cute too”
We ended up dating and he was my first boyfriend
I loved him and he loved me
We went to the movies together and sat next each other every day on the bus
He bought me candy and a stuffed rabbit for Valentines day
His parents said that he wasn’t allowed to date till he was in high school
So our relationship ended quickly

In my house, we never really talked about dating or sexuality
But occasionally my grandparents talked about a “gay” couple they knew
I didn't know what that meant so one day I looked it up
To my surprise, it meant a guy who is attracted to another guy
And I was confused, I didn't know that this was ok
I didn’t know people felt this way and I started questioning myself
Did I like girls
Did I like guys
I didn’t know anymore and I questioned this for a while
Nobody knew about my build up question that only I could answer
And it started taking over my thoughts
Every girl that I saw I looked away cuz I didn't want to give off the wrong impression
Nobody talked about sexuality
I didn't know anyone who liked the same gender as their own

I was at church
And I was in the sixth grade
I'm sitting next to my friend
She just happens to be a girl
She’s stuttering on her words and is more awkward now
I ask her what’s wrong and she says that she likes me
I start to blush
Her head is in her knees and she's about to cry
I tell her that I like her too  
She lifts up her head to reveal her bright red cheeks
She grabs my face and kisses me
I tell her that I love her and she insists that she loves me more
I liked girls, but I was still confused
How could I like a girl and a guy
I told her about this and she gave me the title BISEXUAL
She gave me a label, I word to finally express how I felt
I still kept these feeling to myself
I didn’t tell anyone and nobody knew about my relationship with her

We broke up and I was depressed
But I was comfortable with myself, comfortable in my skin
I wasn't ashamed of being bisexual and I was shown that it's ok
That's it’s ok to have these feeling
And no I’m not figuring out my sexuality
That’s already figured out
I’m not confused, I’m not desperate
And no I don't like everyone I see so please don’t ask

I’m bisexual
I like girls and guys and everything in between
Gender doesn't matter to me cuz all that matters is personality
Society likes to brainwash people to think that girls like guys and guys like girls
But why
Why must we be confined to the idea that we can’t explore our sexuality
And we can't love who we want to
Let it be said that if God didn't want us this way
He wouldn’t have created us this way
And if God didn't want us to like our own gender
Why did he allow us to

Flowers pop up
And cover the ground
Rainbows of color
All around
Pools open with a splash
Then it gets cold in a flash
Crisp and dry
Color starts to fade
It  starts to die
Then crumbles away
The cheer starts rising
Red and green appear
Then whoosh it’s all gone
To start the next year

Makeup Makeup
You cake it on
So you can look pretty
And your acne gone
Your dark circles
Cuz you can't sleep at night
Foundation can cover it
So don't fright
Your insecurities shielded
So the world can't see
Through all the cake
How pretty you could be

Crying, Screaming
That’s the sound of fright
To you, it’s a game
To others, it’s a fight
Cuz when your home life
Isn’t alright
The crying and screaming
Could be the end of your life
Your scars and bruises
That you hide with makeup
So people don’t know
What you're made of
Fire and fear
Death and destruction
Because your home life
Was full of corruption

Stab Stab
Your  words are like a knife
When we are together
We can never make things right
I try to put the fire out
But you just make it worse
Our friendship can be good,
Or it could be a curse

I find myself the happiest
When there are tears running down my cheek
I find myself the happiest
When I’m choking so hard I can’t speak
I find myself the happiest
When every step feels like a mile
And I find myself the happiest
When my blood is flowing like the Nile

I have a fear
That you will disappear
And leave me here
In this wasteland I keep
My troubles are too deep
I can never sleep
With you on my mind
I lose track of time
I know you will never be mine
And that’s just fine
You tease me every time
Now I just rhyme
It’s my new pastime
Away from all of your lies
They follow me like flies
They force me to cry
On the happiest of days
You swept me away
The first time I saw your face
You drifted up to first place
But now I just have a fear
That you will go far away from here
And date another girl
From a whole other world

Drip drip
I’m falling deeper down this well

Drip drip
My depression is taking me to hell

Drip drip
I can hear the faucet running

Drip drip
It drowns out their screams as i’m cutting

I feel so broken
So lonely
So scared
My heart’s been broken so much
I’m impaired
Nobody wants to heal
My damaged heart
So it will just continue
To fall apart

A slab a meat
Three spoonfuls of rice
A pile of beans
Yeah that sounds alright
A healthy meal
Upon my plate
That was the last time
I truly ate
After that meal
I looked in the mirror
And on that day
It couldn’t be clearer
I wanted to be skinny
I wanted to be thin
And this is when
My anorexia journey begins
The next day
At the table
I said I wasn’t hungry
My mom said you have to eat
Or your gonna be weak
And my joke wasn’t funny
But what she didn’t understand
Was that it wasn’t a joke
My stomach is rumbling
But my mind says nope
And I’m not trying
To grab for the rope
Just one bite
Seems too much
Maybe a sip of water
Will be enough
I don’t want to be fat
I want to be pretty
And the only way I can do that
Is to be skinny

Slit slit
There goes the knife
A clink on the floor
That sounds very nice
I pray to god
That I will bleed out
Or someone will hear
My silent shouts
I wear long sleeves
For my hidden scars
Arms used to be bare
But now full of marks
There’s a rope on my neck
A pool of blood on the floor
As I remember my parents
Slamming my door
Telling me how much they hate me
How much they don’t care
As I sat there
With a blank stare
I was plotting my suicide
That took place that day
Cuz nobody really liked me
Anyway

My mind is like a War Zone
And my body is the battlefield