"offside" poems
Yesterday I played football
Nine young men and one old fool
I gave it my best, my all
Good job there's no offside rule.
My task just the goal to guard
For the ball I duck and dive
This Astroturf is quite hard
Till full time let me survive
Forget the goal, guard my beer
Sipping between shots on goal
Finally the kids appear
This short game, it took its toll
Jun 9, 2014
Jun 9, 2014 at 4:30 PM UTC
A dot outside the circle,
Isolated.
Feeling as if I'm
A puddle on the beach.
So close, almost the ocean.
So close to the sea it needs to join,
Otherwise it will evaporate
Unfinished.
I am the one who waits for the time to speak,
But opens his mouth once the moment passes. Too late.
The tide of conversation has gone out,
Leaving just a puddle on the beach.
When the rain comes to drench the soil,
It's the crop that grows offside,
Not a **** but un-harvested nonetheless,
That's yearning for a transplant into the greener side.
And if this flower was to be picked,
Would the field realise?
Eventually.
You don't realise something's there until it's gone.
May 6, 2016
May 6, 2016 at 4:40 PM UTC
Five for fighting
hands to the face
personal foul
player disgrace
Illegal contact
leap in the fray
willful head shot
leg astray
Encroachment defense
mouth guard out
roughing the passer
back field bout
Grounding the pigskin
mis-aligned
horse collar tackle
clip from behind
Knee on knee
offside end
unnecessary roughness
too many men
Gross misconduct
poke in the eye
hooking the shooter
sticks up high
Match ejection
over the top
face off folly
penalty shot
Unsportsmanlike conduct
chopping the block
slew foot infraction
hammer lock
Stick to the head
kick in the crotch
**** end jab
adhering the watch
Slashing the d-man
spearing the wing
running the keeper
back checking
Intentional grounding
stoppage in play
punching and hacking
delay of the game
Striking the ref
aggressor in fight
obstructing the line out
ear in a bite
Loss of downs
hands in the ruck
pinching and boarding
illegal upchuck
Rules of the battle
by the bye
pushing the limits
with a wink of an eye
May 10, 2017
May 10, 2017 at 9:24 PM UTC
As a child I cried
When denied
Your creamy-white inside
So fresh and benign
You gave me addictive, bloodshot eyes
Like a sugary sweet joyride
I long for you by my side
Comforting lone nights, amply supplied
I could eat you poolside
Or outside
Inside or in a landslide,
Hearthside or in a hayride,
Formerly provided storewide
Now you sit on the offside
Nowhere I can find,
Saddened am I,
To see that Chauncey crocodile has finally dried,
Along with hostess, and died.
Nov 24, 2012
Nov 24, 2012 at 1:47 AM UTC
You have a wife and four daughters
and a colleague amongst your supporters
mindset engineered: you answer a question
with a question and indulge in light sensationalism
My wife befriends many people - a natural star
suddenly they're saying the same things that you are
ideas are pinched, put to use, there's no excuse
for queering my pitch - you stupid *****
No offence meant: I hold myself to account
who am I to hold court, judgemental nonsense
don't say anything, go sit yourself on the fence
come back to me when you have pounds, shillings and pence
Some commontators seem less than cool
it's doubtful if they could explain the offside rule
May 10, 2016
May 10, 2016 at 1:43 PM UTC
I knew he was a player
So, I didn’t get involved
I stayed there on the side-line
But never touched his *****
I watched him with his other halves
Advantaged by position
He played the field and tackled
This dude was on a mission!
He's scored his final goal
Set up his final long ball
The flag is up, time has been called
He’s found his final fixture!
No more wins, just ties!
May 31, 2016
May 31, 2016 at 5:50 AM UTC
Today while out on duty
the most surreal thing happened to me
and all this is true
ask the taxi driver
while senking of to have a drag
on vapor ***
noticed a taxi drive sitting on the car park
i was securing for the day
Knowing it would not be used
went of to tell him this carpark will not be use
and as I did leaning in his offside window
felt something rub against me leg
looked down
only a whiled rabit ******** on my foot
said to him look at this there is a rabit sitting on foot
if he had not seen it to I would have thought I was going mad
Buit there it was just sitting there
man weerded things happen to me
no wonder I so surreal.
Oct 30, 2015
Oct 30, 2015 at 6:29 PM UTC
A steady beat followed us
For some time
Soon after what was once us
Only became the silent echo
Your offside comments spaced you
You truly are a master of short stories
You once were there with me
In a hollow bubble of joyous days resenting the future-
Onward till better moments preach your conscious
Keep your signs close
But keep your chin up once more.
Apr 21, 2011
Apr 21, 2011 at 11:50 PM UTC
Always a time lapse
somewhere behind,
elastic bands of the
troubled mind.
Young Turks lurk
no money
no work
offside of the law.
There is I am sure
a serenity to find
in the time lapse of
a troubled mind,
Zen,
what then?
and it's not about snap back
chit chat
pictures that
tell me
serenity is there
I need to know where.
Sad a day Saturday
and an easy mistake to make
I take these strings in my stride.
I shall play catch up
to match up the shapes
that shift thoughts that shape me
twisting my tongue around
the troubles that run
away.
Mar 4, 2017
Mar 4, 2017 at 2:25 AM UTC
Because I don't have time
I just like to waste the day
unwashed in a bathrobe
Being myself, at home
in my city bunker -
in front of the window
that mirrors on the outside
If you fly past it
you will see sparrows
being chased off the seed
by ducks who then flee
from the gull army
which has hardened its beaks
four times in the gastric acid
of the Duck family
I am safely offside
and what I don't like
I erase from the screen
Jan 18, 2023
Jan 18, 2023 at 3:52 AM UTC
Welcome to the Off-show where reality never happens,
An interim getaway from life's twists and thorns.
A world of unfulfilled wishes and fable champions
Here we are spoilt in opulence and celebrations.
Mind wandering away to magical pleasures,
Our form metamorphosed to toothsome figures.
Heartbreakers resenting the day they broke up
Relatives are now loudspeakers of our miraculous outcome.
Soon reality returns and once again we are offstage
To default conditions of dissatisfied offsprings.
The squandered time and effort catches us off guard
As false celebrations and goals are ruled out as offside.
Our Off-show is but a self tragedy casting who we are not.
An unattainable future if we don't embrace who are.
Till we heal and dress the scars we might never shine as stars.
When you embrace and empower yourself only then can you show off.
Nov 15, 2018
Nov 15, 2018 at 2:32 PM UTC
They asked me
What do you see?
I answered
poverty,
shut in the backrooms
sold to the groomers,
I see
Poverty
chalked like a signature
walked over
talked over
ok'd and
then laughed over
lunch,
left over
leftovers,
I
See
do gooders who can't see the wood for the trees,
charities
screaming, another please
I see
disease
Men
on their knees
Girls
selling their souls to
fill in the gaps,
making new roles to play.
Ask me again what I see.
Psychiatry, rude on the streets, why is it me?
Look to the future and what will you be?
You'll be the question unanswered
the thing we don't see,
the orphan we look to
and expect clarity.
****** me Baldrick
don't ya think this a bit sick?
Maybe, says he, but he's not the brightest of buttons on the cutting room floor,
Bollix I can't take
it no more,
I see **** all in the grand scheme except poverty and a wet dream
now and again.
Oct 10, 2015
Oct 10, 2015 at 12:53 PM UTC
as they say: greater the ***** bigger the morion;
yep, i'll napoleon that,
half a hoof in the cobblestone trot
with the horses crab walking in the sidelines;
oi ref! oi! yellow card! offside! ah no bother,
he's the general of the insolent crowd anyway:
in song: southampton - oh went the saints,
oh when the saints go marching in...
be in that number, be in that first eleven i'll be
leather globe kicking i'll be.
Feb 22, 2016
Feb 22, 2016 at 9:16 AM UTC
You say that your friends
Can find a welcoming ear
In their time of need
But I know
Of hundreds of shouting matches
Half as many protested more-than-hugs
Days in and out of manipulation and deceit on both sides
Years of saying "you have no right to feel that way"
Many doged questions
Minutes shouting down every expression that you disproved of
Several iterations of "you'll die alone"
Days and nights hidden in offside rooms for fear
A few good slaps
And a laptop against the wall at age eight
That all demand to differ
Sep 19, 2018
Sep 19, 2018 at 12:10 AM UTC
#*The sun rose up to a woken slumber
On the west side of the sky
Not realising it was afternoon
For the people on the earth
Surprised they didn’t know which way to go
On a winter’s day, when not many are outdoors
Was it rise or to set, that the sun chose today
To see if it was alright to go other way*#
Jan 16, 2025
Jan 16, 2025 at 11:50 AM UTC
On the offside, outside the factory where
the klaxon sounded every day at three
she would wait for me,
I would meet her and we'd walk back home
along the streets we knew paved with cobbled stones
and we'd imagine it was the road to Rome and
I was a centurion sent to save her,
we never
gave a thought to what may come, we
just enjoyed our moments marching
in the sun and then the lights
went out.
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 8:36 PM UTC
I've never had a crush but she got me.
Spruntly created, she is; what a gleam!
She didn't complicate things, gave me hope.
Imagination had gone far; 3 kids, wasn't that what we got?
I'm achieving one of my goals in life soon; offside, I was caught.
After 5 calls, a beep still not certain. Jeez, God!
Dreams getting crushed by a crush.
Haven't even wooed, allusive rejection.
The one who gave hope has taken back.
This time, supernumerary.
Same giver; same taker.
Sep 24, 2018
Sep 24, 2018 at 6:44 PM UTC
When he tackled again, I was left feeling weak!
Then to lose the last game, and stay top of the league
It's a perfect conclusion, opinions won't sink
Just a simple illusion, of how others think
They dive on the surface, then smile with pride
Did he do it on purpose? Was he trying to hide?
Gazed through his soul, as he tried to act proud
But he followed his goal, just to blend with the crowd
I would play a pass through, if he tried making space!
He might find, being true, would reward him first place!
With his fans in their seating, he took centre stage
When I knew he was cheating, he turned a new page!
He stood, then declared, he was wearing a mask
Left feeling so scared to go through with the task!
Kicked the ball out the way, then I tried to be friends
But he threw it in play, then ran back in defence
When the ref had revealed there was one vital minute
He barged through my midfield, determined to win it!
Open goal!!, last man!! With no place to hide!
I stood like the linesman, to flag him offside
Now, it wasn't my mission to draw the red card
For this crucial decision came down on him hard
Let the truth take its toll, but i wasn't forgetting!!
Your previous "goal?", had came off the side netting **
Dec 6, 2019
Dec 6, 2019 at 8:28 AM UTC