"monophobia" poems
Last night I had a
dream, so definitely
indifferent from clouds
of thought which drift
over my sober-wreaked
mind.
I squint and shake
and shiver with
movements, so
statically paralysed.
Bathed in my pit
of sweat and insanity.
To fathom these
patterns of hidden
truth, libido,
won't do one bit.
It can't cease to
become.
If I'm not careful
enough or tentatively
scarce in a midnight
screech I'll be sure to
tell the world my fears.
Dec 10, 2015
Dec 10, 2015 at 11:11 AM UTC
How would you take the news of my bitter insomnia?
Would you feel conflicted knowing that could I sleep,
I might not still want you? I know that you’re just a heap
Of atoms tied together, cells powered with mitochondria,
And without you I am just succumbing to hypoxia.
You are nothing to the universe, just an ignorant sheep,
And were my head unclouded, no illusions would I keep:
I’d know in lucidity it’s just my acute monophobia.
But you are there still, hiding under my thin skin,
And you’re not going away, and it’s driving me insane.
How could I discount your memory, your incredible smiles,
Your hands rough like heartbeats, your eyes glowing like sin?
You are a heap of molecules, mere bone and membrane:
And your soul is a fire, your ardor drives me for miles.
Dec 9, 2013
Dec 9, 2013 at 4:48 PM UTC
Monophobia
Or the fear of being alone
Or the fear of waking up in the middle of the night by yourself knowing that you have absolutely no one to confide in.
From an early age I was taught that my self-worth was defined with how many people found me desirable.
I found myself hopping from one relationship to the next
As if the moment I found myself alone
I was worthless
It became my favorite game.
I soon figured out that the more you “put out” the more attractive you are.
Here, I will give you my body in trade for a momentary ounce of affection
Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you need me.
Your voice sung melodies into my heart.
I fell in love with your voice where you fell in love with my desire to please.
Giving you everything you want,
Until I have nothing left to give.
I should've known that the well is only worth tapping when there is water in it,
When you told me I was too fat for you,
I shouldn’t have immediately went on a diet.
When I found out you had been cheating on my the whole time we were dating,
I should have left you.
When I found out you were going to be the father of another girls baby,
I should have kicked your *** out.
When you started treating me like property,
I should have killed you.
But I blamed myself,
Took ever bullet,
Every punch,
Did ever chore
Palms forward,
Ready for more.
They tell me that this is wrong
But they don’t understand watching three am pass by,
Alone every night,
They don't understand nightmares and insomnia.
I am told that misery is better company than being alone.
Jan 12, 2015
Jan 12, 2015 at 11:13 PM UTC
Why'd I do that?
Not again.
Thought I was stronger,
I let him win.
My eyes see him,
my heart sees you.
I never wanted to be through.
Why not? Just once.
Wise words from a dunce.
The deed is done,
no warmth, no fun.
Shaky limbs, teary eyes.
No one hears my trembly cries.
A helping hand,
a caring touch.
That's all I want,
is it too much?
I know your story,
your faults, your glory.
You know my wants,
you know my dreams,
yet you ignore my silent screams.
Been down this road,
a deathly spiral.
Why can't I breathe?
is it viral?
The symptoms fade,
just like the flu.
Not gone for long
returns deadlier and new.
My chest pains are real,
but for you, I pretend not to feel.
I want a smile or even just a glance.
Hopefully someday I'll get my chance.
Forget my worries, forgot my creed.
This one night stand was nothing I need.
Would you hold my hand? touch my face?
cause my tears burn, its worse than mace.
Help me see, help me grow.
There's something I need to know.
In the morning will you be?
or will it just be a lonely me?
Feb 24, 2012
Feb 24, 2012 at 1:11 PM UTC
I have fallen into the pit.
And as I stretch my arms and hope for wing I remember I am no angel. Flailing through the air I hold my breath denying the loneliness in that hangs there. I am not lonely! I scream in my head though the only thing that passes my lips are the silent sobs and gasps of the tears that streak my face. The pit is not silent. You would think with no one around there would be no words but the voices in my head say differently. They pick my every flaw. They strip me of my hope and inhibition and it is they who pointed out my lonely pit. They where the ones who pushed me into the pit in the first place, after all.
Monophobia. Philophobia.
Together they morphed and created a pit for me to fall in. And they mock as I begin to hope for a rescuer, I have to wings and they pit has no end. I want to be saved but I do not want to fall in love. It hurts too much.
Tired of being alone and too afraid to try to fall in love I stretch my arms out on more time.... As the pit takes over my heart....and pretend wing spring from my back. The feathers are onyx black and i know better than to try the fly.
The pit has consumed me
and I have embraced its darkness.
Feb 9, 2015
Feb 9, 2015 at 1:09 PM UTC
My fear of being alone
Conquers most
My lips are sewn
Shut in fear
As the feeling of being watched
Dominates my senses
Eyes boring into my back
Seeping into my skin
Chilling my bones
And my body shutting down
Inside I just want to crawl
Into a corner
Where no eyes
Can peer maliciously into
My soul
Feb 19, 2015
Feb 19, 2015 at 9:48 PM UTC
You won’t leave right?
I don’t want you to leave
I hate being isolated
I do like to be connected with others
Whether it’s in the streets
School, work,
I do hate to be alone
Heck, I can’t be alone
Even if my own room or home
I need to hear my mother’s cooking
My father’s typing at his computer above me
My sister’s awful singing
My brother playing football outside
And your voice
Telling me things
Will
Be
Ok
Someday
Don’t leave.
Ok?
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019 at 8:23 AM UTC
I have monophobia.
Monophobic.
Sadly that I am.
I smile to myself knowingly, for that indeed I can.
I'm able to live with a family.
They matter to me, but I don't to them.
Living alone in a room with a view.
These words,they just introduce me.
(c) Livvi
May 9, 2016
May 9, 2016 at 3:45 PM UTC
There's this weight that numbs my entire body.
I rarely ever feel awake enough to call for someone.
Smiling here and there, winging my existence.
Attempting to attempt to go with the unpredictable flow.
It's stripping the lives I invest in, bankrupting me of any connections.
Isolated by everything but darkness, seeping in, like an infection.
Neglected and forgotten, oh no, there goes my monophobia.
Rapidly repeating this cycle of depravity, what a f*cking tragedy.
My fortune is as fortunate as living but being brain dead.
Instead of ever really feeling here, disconnected, stuck in bed.
Like this evil aura projects a demon over the body of a moth.
I'm being abused by something, blinding me, i'm lost.
I'm no one's friend, no one's love interest, no one's first choice.
Not that I want that, but I only really ever just wanted love.
But the one thing I wanted, when I could have wished for anything,
Is the one thing that constantly gets taken away from me...
I just don't want to feel alone, forgotten, on my own...
There goes my monophobia...anxiety is elevating.
I don't have panic attacks, so where does it all go?
Building up an evil to consume my soul?
Trapped in a life built on feeling like a fool, not too good not so bad.
I want to scream, let my tears stream, but I feel stuck.
In the end, I can't even cry, I just move on...
And it laughs, playing with it's little brittle fingers
Watching me break and mold until I'm cold and too old
Like a moth with it's wings ripped off at birth with the wish to fly.
This evil thing is using me as a sacrifice and it wants me to die.
Apr 2, 2019
Apr 2, 2019 at 12:16 PM UTC
The future is a place of terror to me,
Uncertain truths and dwindling returns.
The people around me fade out,
Or perhaps I'm the one lost in the background?
There isn't some international lost and found
Where old and new friends can simply shout
To allow me to return feelings I once spurned;
A future alone is all I can see.
Apr 11, 2022
Apr 11, 2022 at 2:11 PM UTC