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Deb Jones Aug 2018
You can lose your shoes
You can lose your job

You can lose your keys
You can lose your mind

You can lose your glasses
You can lose your heart

You can lose your remote
You can lose your child

You can lose your purse
You can lose your vision

You can lose weight
You can lose your house

You can lose a baby tooth
You can lose a beloved pet

You can lose a favorite shirt
You can lose a friend

You can lose sunshine
You can lose the war against skin cancer

You can lose your hair
You can lose a prayer

You can lose your money
You can lose your car

You can lose a needle
You can lose your tongue

You can lose at love
You can lose the ability to walk

You can lose a bit of change
You can lose the ability to stand

You can lose at cards
You can lose your hands

You can lose the lyrics to a song
You can lose the ability to hear

You can lose a game
You can lose a youthful face

You can lose a race
You can lose your mind to dementia

You can lose a fingernail
You can lose a parent

You can lose a toy
You can be lost in grief

But the worse thing you will ever lose
is your sense of self. Not who you  project yourself to be. But who you really think you are.
The truth is your sense of self may not come close to reality. And that is perfectly okay.
If i lose you i will never be the same anymore,
i will lose my best friend , my soul mate, my smile , my laugh and everything. Once i lose you there will be no more sunlight , no clear skies, just like the clouds my eyes will do the same cry until you make the tears go away, if you walk away it will rain.
I cannot lose you because if i lost you everything would be meaningless,I wandered into the darkness looking for something to bring happiness to my life, something real. I found you and ill be ****** if i lose you. You mean more to me then you'll ever know! I've fallen so hard for you, that if i ever lose you, ill lose myself. If you were a tear i would never dare to cry. I might lose you ! I don't think you'll ever understand how afraid i am of losing you Stephen <3
My worst fear is losing you </3
Maybe im scared because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything i think about, everything i need and everything i want.
Stay. No matter how hard it is being with me, just stay. I need you!
I get jealous very often, i get jealous so easily and its only because i dont want to lose you <3
Even though i know things won't always last forever, I want to have you for as long as i can. Youre the one who brought the happy feeling inside me again. i haven't felt like this since i was a kid when my family would make me laugh , and i dont think ill ever want to lose my happiness again. Please don't go anytime soon. You make me really happy and i cant risk losing someone like you.
My nightmares are usually about losing you, I don't want us to be strangers again. I dont want to lose you after all weve been through, all the pain we push past , all those beautiful memories.
Promise me, promise me youll never leave.
I dont wanna lose you baby, please dont ever let me.
You see i love you and i dont want to lose you because my life has been better since i found you <3
Melissa Vance Feb 2012
“Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.”
Three simple sentences said by a favorite TV persona that ring truer and truer by the day
I used to think them hogwash, certainly not right
But now I see the truth in the words and because of that I feel fright

Lose one friend
This is because of some simple riff or fight
You didn’t think anything of it
You think that everything would be alright
Little did you know that this one thing would change it all
It would change how you viewed the world;
How you saw through your crystal ball

Lose all friends
Simply because all friends take sides
They may claim they want to be Switzerland
But they can’t just run and hide
This causes a division—
A civil war among you all
Those people you used to hold dearest
Now seem like strangers behind a wall

Lose yourself
Because they have become a part of you in their own way
It happens every time someone touches your life
Whether long term or just for a day
You molded them into your life
And made them your comfort zone
You never would have expected
That one day they would be gone
It’s sad that they took part of you with them
And this makes you feel so wrong

I guess it comes with the territory
Of making and losing friends
You always hope for the best
But you really don’t know until the end
The quote from the beginning is from the TV show "Boy Meets World." It is said by the character of Eric Matthews. It's really stuck to me lately and I just had to write this to get it out.

The ending is really rough and I know that. Feedback and commentary would be greatly appreciated. Thank you a lot! Have a great day :)
Untitled May 6
I lose my mind,
I lose it when you loved me

I lose my mind
I lose it when you talked to me

I lose my mind
I lose it when you left me
when you left me


Whenever you leave,
somethings missing


And whenever you stay,
I can't stand it

I want so much,
I gave up enough

You took it all
you made it hard for me

I don't want to let you go

It's hard to heal,
it's hard to grow

And all I asked for was your love
and you couldn't even give me that

What did you even do for me?

I lose my mind,
I lose it when you loved me

I lose my mind
I lose it when you talked to me

I lose my mind
I lose it when you left me
when you left me

And I lose it when I think of you,
I cry, cry, cry

I scream in pain and agony
and I lose my mind

I can't have any control of myself,
the pain takes me over

And all others can say
is that "it's over"

But it's not over if I cry myself to sleep,
and it's not over if the wounds still feel so deep

And it's not over if my heart still beats
like I want you

I want you
to make me feel better
so you can feel worse

I just want you to leave earth,
I want you to go to hell first

My love was truly a blessing
but you turned it into a curse

And I have to let go,
it's so easy for you to do

Because I'm not the one,
and I meant almost nothing to you

And you say what I tell myself isn't true,
but how am I supposed to believe you?

When you are a liar,
and all you do is hurt me

And say you don't want to
but I keep finding myself hurting

Everyday, and every night
and "sorry" will never make it right

I don't care how many times you apologize,
because I've already lost my mind

There is nothing you will do,
I'll just have to rely

On patience and time
and healing the pain

Even though it feels like it will
never go away
Harold r Hunt Sr Nov 2014
Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.







































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.










































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.










































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.










































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.











































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.










































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.









































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.










































Death
Death is so hard and bad.
We lose so much and gain so little.
We watch as they come and go
Only to say no words that can make them stay.
We fill our hearts with the greatest of pain
But God hears only so few.
We cry before God to know why.
But he only knows the reason why.
The young,The old they walk side by side.
Knowing someday, we shall see them all.
Death is hard. But what can we do.
But just ask why!
God  hears us Today as another angel falls
Our prayers we cry go to those that have lost.
Our prayer to God goes heaven bound.
sorry for the post being posted twice.
Where is the pianist in me
Where is the overly-enthusiastic musician
Who'd pick up any lyrics
And make it into a song.

Where did I lose my words
Where did I lose my will to write
Where did I lose my courage
To cry my heart out on a piece of paper
And bleed my fingers on a guitar-string.

Where did I lose my random scribbles
Where did I lose my unabashed thoughts
Which I would often lash out on empty canvases.

When did my creative block
Turn me into a mechanical machine
And make me forget that
My right brain works better than the left one.

Where did I lose my faith
In this ****** human race
Where did I lose my friends
My family
And all those who loved me?

Where did I lose my
Optimism
and when did I lose myself
To anxieties and the blues?

Is this real or a dream?

Where did I lose my courage to live?
Can someone find it for me?
I should stop over-thinking.
Santiago May 2015
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Oooohhh, oooohhh
[2Pac:]
Nuttin to lose...
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Oahhhh, oahhhahh
[2Pac:]
I got nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Oh-hahhh
[2Pac:]
Stuck in the game
Me against the world baby

[Verse 1: 2Pac]
Can you picture my prophecy?
Stress in the city, the cops is hot for me
The projects is full of bullets, the bodies is droppin
There ain't no stoppin me
Constantly movin while makin millions
Witnessin killings, leavin dead bodies in abandoned buildings
Can't raise the children cause they're illin
Addicted to killin and the appeal from the cap peelin
Without feelin, but will they last or be blasted?
Hard headed *******
Maybe he'll listen in his casket - the aftermath
More bodies being buried - I'm losing my homies in a hurry
They're relocating to the cemetary
Got me worried, stressin, my vision's blurried
The question is will I live? No one in the world loves me
I'm headed for danger, don't trust strangers
Put one in the chamber whenever I'm feelin this anger
Don't wanna make excuses, cause this is how it is
What's the use unless we're shootin no one notices the youth
It's just me against the world baby

[Girl:]
Me against the world
[2Pac:]
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Ooooh yeah, ooo-hooo
[2Pac:]
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Me against the world
[2Pac:]
Cause it's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Hey!
[2Pac:]
Me against the world
[Girl:]
Ooooh yeah
[2Pac:]
I got nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
I got nothing to lose

[Verse 2: Dramacydal]
Could somebody help me? I'm out here all by myself
See ladies in stores, Baby Capone's, livin wealthy
Pictures of my birth on this Earth is what I'm dreamin
Seein Daddy's *****, full of crooked demons, already crazy
And screamin I guess them nightmares as a child
Had me scared, but left me prepared for a while
Is there another route? For a crooked Outlaw
Veteran, a villian, a young ****, who one day shall fall

Everday there's mo' death, and plus I'm dough-less
I'm seein mo' reasons for me to proceed with thievin
Scheme on the scheming and leave they peeps grieving
Cause ain't no bucks to stack up, my nuts is backed up
I'm bout to act up, go load the Mac up, now watch me klacka
Tried makin fat cuts, but yo it ain't workin
And Evil's lurking, I can see him smirking
When I gets to pervin, so what?
Go put some work in, and make my mail, makin sales
Risking 25 with a 'L', but oh well

[Girl:]
Me against the world
[2Pac:]
With nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Ooh yeah... oooh-ooooh
[2Pac:]
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Me against the world
[2Pac:]
I got nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Oahhhohh
[2Pac:]
Ha ha
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Ha-ahh, HA-AHH!
[2Pac:]
With nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Me against the world, hoahhh
[2Pac:]
Me against the world
I got nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Ha-hahh (hehe) heyy!

[Verse 3: 2Pac]
With all this extra stressin
The question I wonder is after death, after my last breath
When will I finally get to rest? Through this supression
They punish the people that's askin questions
And those that possess, steal from the ones without possessions
The message I stress: to make it stop study your lessons
Don't settle for less - even a genius asks-es questions
Be grateful for blessings
Don't ever change, keep your essence
The power is in the people and politics we address
Always do your best, don't let the pressure make you panic
And when you get stranded
And things don't go the way you planned it
Dreamin of riches, in a position of makin a difference
Politicians and hypocrites, they don't wanna listen
If I'm insane, it's the fame made a brother change
It wasn't nuttin like the game
It's just me against the world

[Girl:]
Me against the world
[2Pac:]
Nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Me against the world
[2Pac:]
Got me stuck in the game
It's just me against the world
[Girl:]
Oahahhhh
[2Pac:]
I'd be ashamed to lose
It's just me against the world baby
[Girl:]
Me against the world

[Outro: 2Pac]
Heh, hahahahahahah
That's right
I know it seem hard sometimes but uhh
Remember one thing
Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that
So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out
Keep your head up, and handle it

[Girl:]
Me against the world [x3]
I pulled the veil off my soul
I opened a window and let out the smoke
I took a hammer and smashed the mirrors
I took a step from the darkness and reached for the light
I attempted to live
I attempted to be
And love retreated

Do I shackle myself back to the somber......to the silence.......to the dark?

or

Do I continue to reach from the dark.......reach for the light........and find happiness?

One thing I am most certain

If I choose to keep writing or choose to stop..........I lose
I will lose myself......lose myself........lose myself in the words

or
I will lose them........lose him........lose her.........lose all........lose none

I've never chose me before and I am tired of being lost
With a heavy heart and fear of loss I say:

to them......to him......to her.......to all......to none

I am tired of bumping around in the darkness basking for a brief moment in someone elses light
Stay or go is not my choice

It is YOURS

Take me as I am.....growing.....shaping.....living.....shining
or
here is the door

Good-bye to you
Hello to *ME
kitkat keighley Sep 2018
I see you walking through the rain
And I see the water covering your teardrops on your face
And I know that I broke all your rules
Oh, now you're looking at me, and I'm looking at you like a fool
But, you don't know what it feels like to fall in love with you
No, you don't know what it's like when you can't go back
'Cause I only lose my mind when I ain't got you
And how can I not win when I'm always bound to lose
No, when I ain't got you
No, no, no, I ain't got you, no
So come on inside, you catch a cold
Oh, darling the storm will pass when you grow old
But you stand next to me with a look in your eyes
And you say goodbye, you say goodbye
And you say goodbye
But, you don't know what it's like to lose you
'Cause I only lose my mind when I ain't got you
And how can I not win when I'm always bound to lose?
When I'm always bound to
'Cause I tried to hold on tight to make you mine, but I lost each time
And I only lose my mind when I ain't got you
But I think it's time to let you go
To let your heart find a home
I need to let you go
'Cause I only lose my mind when I ain't got you
And how I can win when I'm always bound to lose
No, I ain't got you
No, no, no, I ain't got you, oh
Songwriters: Dean Lewis Grant Loaney / John Castle
Lose My Mind lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
Patrick Austin Sep 2018
Our Backgrounds before we met...

I'm an only child born in Montana in 1983, from a divided home. Parents divorced at seven, Mom was unstable and unfaithful. Dad obtained custody of me and we moved to Oregon Coast to live with my Grandma. I had unhealthy visits and relationship with Mom thereafter. My Grandma died at 12 and at 13 my Dad remarried an alcoholic woman, I had a strained relationship with them until adulthood when she stopped drinking. I had exposure to trauma; alcoholism, mental illness, verbal abuse and juvenile troubles. I rebelled by using drugs in my late teens and early twenties, I lived on my own for a few years after high school but had little direction.

My bride is the eldest with two little brothers, parents stayed in same area of Portland during childhood with lots of family support and her parents stayed married. They had Christian values but some anger and anxiety issues at home. She was sexually assaulted at 17 and never had good closure with this. She told me her parents didn't provide her enough help with things like this growing up. Status quo was the backbone of the family dynamic, challenging emotions were discouraged. She rebelled by being reckless with herself, financially and sexually. She decided to join the Navy at 19. She lived alone briefly, but mostly with Grandparents & Parents before our marriage.

I loved how we both grew up reading Archie comics. No other girl I had ever met had that in common with me. I think we wanted a surreal life like the one in Riverdale.

2002

She and I were 19 when we first met in my home town on the coast at an arcade. We became friends and secretly liked each other. I was too nervous to ever make a move on her. We traveled together, she stayed with me, we used drugs together and drank at times. One night she drank too much and had *** with a guy I knew at a party. I was devastated by this. She was Navy bound and I didn't see a real future for us. The next morning she left and I didn't talk to her again for two years. I figured she would be gone with the Navy soon and that she must not have been interested in a relationship with me despite the time we spent together.

2003

I was depressed about this rejection. I dated an older woman who was interested in me but was no substitute. I eventually moved to the Portland area to work and live. I still had few plans and was lonely, in or out of the few brief relationships I attempted. I never found someone that I felt safe with or had a true connection, let alone true love. She ended up not following through with the Navy and continued working her way up in her job at the call center. She attended community college and dated a few guys. She dated one guy for a couple of years who was not a good match for her but stayed with him off and on despite issues. His family was wealthy and treated her well. He slept around on her as did she. At one point he gave her an STD. She also had an ongoing affair with a married man in the military that she went to high school with. He had a child and a wife with mental health issues. She was still hurting a lot at times and not always doing well.

2004

She reached out to me via email after two years of no contact. We emailed back and forth a couple times over the next few months. We talked about meeting up. We spoke on the phone and eventually met up in Portland. We had an amazing night getting to know each other again and work past the confusion of our earlier days of friendship. I realized that she did in fact like me before but since I was timid and trying to be proper and take things slowly she didn't understand my motives. She apologized for her actions at the party as well. She claimed she was in a really messed up place and was making bad choices at that time. Getting our feelings out in the open was good and she appreciated my attitude towards being slow to make moves on her when we first met. I was worried about falling for her based on our history but eventually I was determined to give it a shot. We soon after starting dating and being intimate. Our love was extremely powerful and beyond all others we had both experienced. She broke ties with other suitors and shortly after we talked about marriage and started planning a wedding for the next year.

I remember when we first held hands. We were so shakey and she was quivering on my couch as I had my arm around her. We felt so safe with each other. We could finally be ourselves and do what our hearts desired. We knew we were on to something new and so amazing. We were so patient with each other as we navigated our new love and emotional thresholds.

I remember when we saw Matisyahu in concert together. That was a once in a lifetime experience and a life-changing moment for us. I feel it set the tone for things to come in our future.

I remember how creative my proposal to her was, in the Arcade where we first met. I hid the ring in a prize container from one of those claw machines. Pretending I got the ring from inside by reaching into the machine on one knee I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I could pull it off before she caught on. She looked so shocked and surprised. I was so excited she said yes! We took pictures in the photo machine and had burgers afterwards, I'd do all of it all over again just to see her face in that moment.

2005

We found an apartment for us in Portland. I moved in while she was still living back with her parents until the wedding. She had to change her number because the married man she was previously involved with kept calling her about changing her mind about marriage and continuing their relationship. She was offered a job in Denver and we decided to move away together after our sandy wedding in Cannon Beach. I still had a very hard time and was embarrassed with my past history with her. Many of my friends knew what had happened at 19 and how much it hurt me but I was so crazy about her I think I tried to pretend it didn't happen or that it was not a big deal because we were younger. We got married and moved to Colorado soon after. We made friends at a church, I became more active as a Christian and really loved being married. We were very involved in keeping spirituality in our marriage. I began to notice her poor financial decisions and practices more. This caused conflict but we always tried to communicate and work on things.

I remember when we went down to my folks for New Year's in 2005. We sipped tea in my Datsun as we drove to the coast over the snowy mountain pass. We told them of our engagement. We were all so blissful and excited. We never knew what was to come. We didn't even know about the opportunity in Denver yet. Our story is amazing!

I remember when I wanted to go see her in Portland and the roads were iced over. I left my car at a park and ride before I caused a wreck. I took the light rail across town then rode a bus to the Eastside shopping mall. The bus to her house was not running because it wasn't safe so I walked the rest of the 4 Miles sometimes having to crawl on my hands and knees to make it up hills in the ice and then I finally made it only to just spend a couple hours with her and fall asleep on her parents couch. Her Dad drove us back the next morning to my car so I could get to work. It was all worth it just to see her for that little extra time. I would have done anything for her.

I remember when she was interviewing for the new position in Denver? I drove all over Portland trying to find little toy cars to help with her illustration about how a team is like a car having all four wheels and how they work together to accomplish a goal. I was so proud of her for giving it her all and succeeding at earning that position. Now that I think of it, that car analogy applies to our family and us. We all need each other to be better and keep on track and be a team. I am so motivated by that and our boys. I lose my way without that and I want to be her reflection and motivation as she has been that for me. I truly thought we brought out the best in each other when we were together.

I remember when we were given tickets to see Fiona Apple. That was so spontaneous and a great way to kick off our time in Denver together. We always used to watch our same movies over and over again. Like the Friends DVDs and White Christmas every winter break and The Wedding Singer. We walked everywhere and lived simply. "I wanna be the guy, who grows old with you"

I remember in our first Denver apartment when we took baths together in our claw foot tub in the big bathroom. We put a board over the top and played cards. I liked playing Uno with her in bed too. She was so funny being slightly color blind and in the dark, mixing up the greens and blues. We played Uno in Breckenridge too at that cool bed and breakfast in the fall.

2006

We had continued fun and adventure in our new home of Denver. She was doing well as a trainer for the bank and I started working in health foods. We went camping in New Mexico a couple times with friends and we both took individual trips to Oregon as well as one together for her uncle's wedding. We had marital spats on occasion but always bounced back. The issues we had seemed like part of a normal marriage and were far better than what I had grown up around. I realized that marriage was a lot of work but I was up for the task. She occasionally became aggressive throwing things at me or breaking things during conflict.  I believed I was the problem and tried to change for her in many ways. With two incomes we still had trouble making our bills at times. She had debts that I never knew about that started to catch up with us but I took care of getting them settled and we paid off her car and traded it for an older Volvo Wagon that we both loved, I even had it repainted her favorite color for a birthday gift. Overall things seemed like they were progressing in a positive way.

I remember when we saw Midnight in concert in Boulder. That was the peak of our hippy days. We were alive with pleasure in our healthy vegetarian diets and practices living in a time and place like no other. I want to be like that again. Reggae was our music. We had much in common.

2007

We really fell into our roles in our marriage and the community; church and culture, friends etc. Things seemed very balanced and appropriate for us at that time and that age (24-25). We had separate bank accounts and jobs. I had money in savings. We started the process of buying a house so we could invest in something. She became pregnant shortly after. I embraced the challenge with positive energy but we were both in for a big change. We started having more fights. I didn't have many friends and would write to old friends via social media just so I could to catch up and tell them things were going great with being married to make myself feel better than I actually did. She hated the dawn of social media and also felt isolated I'm sure. She felt I should be doing more for her and I didn't know how to do what she needed but I failed to ask a lot of the time. After one argument, she left the house. My instinct told me to look at ******* and ******* as a retaliation. I had not done this much once we were married because she always met my needs but when things were difficult between us I felt more emotionally isolated. She walked in and realized what I had been doing. She was very upset, and because she was pregnant, thought I was not attracted to her. The truth is I found her even more beautiful and in fact when I looked at ******* I tried to look at women I found less attractive than her so that I feel good about what I have. I mostly fantasized about how these women were more submissive and loving than her. That is the part I needed to feel good about and feel better about myself with because I felt very dominated and controlled. She has never forgiven me for this and I will never stop feeling sorry to her for my brokenness. During one particular argument that year she was getting close to being violent towards me again and I pushed her away on the chest with my fingertips. She got very mad and said I hurt her. I immediately felt terrible and apologized. I never let something like that happen again. I have always avoided violence towards others especially women and of course her. I was defenseless against physical and emotional abuse.

2008

Our eldest son was born at the beginning of the year, it was a traumatic birth for everyone. We wanted a natural birth with a midwife but we were transferred to a hospital and she ended up having an emergency C-section, nothing went as planned. We had a really hard time coping with the emotions of this experience. A lot of buried feelings and trauma from both of us started coming out. We moved a month later into our new home outside of town. No more walking or biking to places, we had to drive everywhere. This house was next to our friends from church. We thought this would make us feel less isolated but we didn’t really have the community with them that we had hoped for. They were upset that they didn't have a child of their own yet and being around us might have been hard for them. My wife stopped working and stayed home with our son. All these changes made for a very difficult time. I did my best to support them but this was the first time we shared a bank account and needed to follow a budget more than ever before. We had no debt at the beginning of the year with money in savings but then the hospital bills put us down about $7,000 and rising with new home and moving expenses and baby needs. My job could barely keep up. She and I had a hard time adjusting. We could not afford to travel home to Oregon and visit family as much and we felt more and more isolated. She started showing me more signs of instability, locking herself in the bathroom with kitchen knives and scraping her legs which continued off and on for years to come. Talks of divorce and suicide threats seemed to happen more than before. I felt responsible and tried to fix her ever changing issues with me.

I remember when herr ******* were full and swollen with milk. It is so beautiful the way she could feed our babies. I wanted her in every way, our bodies belonged to each other. I was there for her and our shared pleasure. I loved it when she told me that she was mine in the heat of passion. This spark could only be a bandage for so long but I didn't know that yet.

2009

I tried to promote within my company but was not selected, they were cutting budgets and employment all around me. I felt worried about our future. I had always thought the military might be a good opportunity and could move us closer to family back home. My father-in-law encouraged me to look into the Coast Guard. I felt this would be a good way to get moved closer to Oregon.  I ended up joining the Navy because we found out we were pregnant again with our second son and that was the only way I could join a military branch. She worked off and on as a nanny and later in the year at a coffee house working nights. We barely spent time together and when we did it was a lot of hard conversations or arguments about finances with making up intimately in the middle of the night between times of caring for the baby. She once scratched my neck with her fingernails during an argument. People I worked with noticed. It was a hard time and we knew change was on the horizon with jobs and moving. We did visit Oregon that summer though and had a great vacation at the beach with a borrowed 4x4 and staying at a hotel and picnicking out of a cooler as well as going to her brothers wedding. I was 26 and about to join the Navy to provide better for my family at all costs sacrificing myself for their benefit because I would have rather died than look like I didn't try my best for them.

I remember when our babies would kick and move around inside her belly. I loved laying by her and feeling her tummy. I would hum to the baby and hear them move and squirm. I loved giving our boys baths when they were babies too. We had our little bundles of our love, wrapped in a towel in our hands, so tiny and vulnerable. I miss those days and want to remember them with her, aside from this state of melancholy.

2010

The Navy recruiters would only take me if we rented out our home and had her stay with family during boot camp and training. We moved to a furnished apartment in Denver and put our things in storage. She was 5 months pregnant and our eldest was two. I shortly after was let go from my job. Our second son was born in April. I got a contract with the Navy at the last minute but didn't leave until August. We sold our beloved vehicles and lived off retirement funds for six months and moved down to Florida where her parents had just moved out of the blue for work, to stay with them until I left for boot camp. I applied for temporary work in Florida at a dozen places but had no luck in my three months there. I took care of our eldest a lot while she took care of the new baby. Being in Florida was a culture shock for us but we had our moments of romance and made the best of it. Eventually I left for boot camp in August. It was really hard and sad to be gone. She stayed in Florida and came to visit me with the baby at boot camp graduation in October. I then went to Connecticut for five months of training. It was also hard but at least I could call home every day and be in the same time zone. I visited Florida during the winter break and saw my boys and her. We went to Disney world and had a great time on her parents. We also made a romantic home movie I could enjoy while away from her. I flew back to Connecticut and tried to make the best of things. My roommate was very abusive of substances and I resisted the temptation for a long time but the threat of being submarine service bound and missing my family pushed me to drinking every weekend and getting messed up to escape before I left.

I remember when we drove to Key Largo, Florida and stopped at a crazy bird wildlife center. I remember our oldest was so amazed hearing a bird say hello back to us. It was so foreign and fun there. I am glad we all shared that experience together.

I remember our trip to the citrus grove in Florida. That was such a great day for our family. I always look back on that with really fond sentiment. I felt like I was in a beautiful family music video with them.

2011

I finished Submarine Training and got orders back to the Northwest. The plan was all coming together. I arrived first and bought a car and got our items moved from storage in Denver to our townhouse rental in Washington. She and the boys joined me a month later. I didn't report to my Sub for another month as they were at sea. She became pregnant again with our third son right after arriving. We had just bought a small car and were not planning on another child. Towards the end of the year I was working a lot and having a really hard time, being bullied and treated poorly at work plus our financial situation was still very difficult. Adjusting to the military was hard among younger men being 28. I dreaded each day in that environment but I tried to endure it for my family. I went to sea for a couple months at the end of the year stopping in Hawaii and California. During this time She reached out to her ex married affair partner after six years of no contact. She didn't tell me until later. She said she needed closure with him, we were not in counseling yet but she decided this was appropriate. I flew home early from sea and wanted to surprise her. The stress and trauma of this quick transition home after being to sea for the first time (which was also traumatic) made me want to drink and get messed up before flying. I arrived home and surprised her but I seemed off to her which I was but didn’t explain why, I have never done that since. I got to be home for two months almost work free while we celebrated the holidays and prepared for the new baby to be born. She started getting more involved with a church and building a community for us which was great. Our financial struggles almost led us to foreclosure of our home back in Colorado but by the grace of God we got it sold with a short sale just in time.

I remember when I came back from Hawaii and brought her a beaded necklace and she wore it naked with her big beautiful pregnant goddess belly and we made passionate hippy love together. I want to grow out my beard again and spend my life making hippy love and feeling free again.

2012

Our third son was born in January. It was a very positive birth experience and much less stressful than the other two. Shortly after I flew out to finish the other half of the deployment I had missed. I really focused on being positive and spiritually connected by reading my Bible at sea which was helpful. I called her when I arrived in Japan halfway through being gone. She was upset because she tested positive for an STD while trying to get on birth control. I became suspicious of her yet she was suspicious of me. We both got tested again and I was clean, she told me she had a false positive after all. This put a big strain on our trust, especially being so far away. This forced us to be honest with each other about some things such as her contact with her ex lover and my drinking to cope. We were both very upset until I returned home and we could start some counseling to work through things. Forgiveness seemed to be difficult for us. It brought up hurts of the past when we were 19. She also had severe postpartum depression that became worse after each birth. I was still having a hard time with work and the submarine environment. Our church friends tried to counsel us but it was not the most helpful. My submarine was scheduled for extended repairs and not going to sea for three years, I would be transferred before the end of that period. I used this time to bond with her and my boys. I wanted to get better involved in our community and do volunteer work and side jobs to earn extra money. Our boys were all given diagnosis's for autism which begun to fill our lives with appointments and challenges for years to come but we were a good team in dealing with all of it. It gave us something to work together on but took our focus away from working on our own personal issues and relationship with each other as much as we should have.

2013

We had new years with both sides of our family in a snowy mountain setting in Oregon. It looked like it was going to be a great year until her Grandpa passed away suddenly. It ripped our entire family apart but especially her. He kept the family grounded and she was very close to him, he really loved all of us. She and I started going on dates again because we had Navy sponsored child care. It was the beginning of a really good thing for us. Tragically one night after a date we were dancing with the boys on the patio and I tried to pick her up and I lost my balance and fell on her, breaking her collar bone severely. She needed surgery and was very mad at me for years to come. She has a scar, a metal plate and numbness in her chest. We worked through it with our community from church but she still is very mad at me. I feel more terrible about this incident than she could ever know. I would lose a finger in place of that incident if I could. I continued having a really hard time in the Navy and I didn't want to stay in but She insisted our boys needed care only the Navy could offer. She also said she would divorce me if I ever left the Navy. I took this threat seriously even though she assured me later that she would never actually do that. Against my own convictions I reenlisted because I wanted to do the best thing for my family. We moved into base housing at the end of summer and didn’t go out to do things as much anymore. The house was nice but it ****** us in, we also had less community with people around our home. I started volunteering at church more and doing work with special needs people. I felt like I was doing good things and that I had purpose all around. I think she appreciated this about me.

2014

We started seeing a professional counselor together and individually. It became a regular event. I worked on myself and she worked on herself. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and eventually broke off communication with her for my own well-being and the betterment of my family. I got past a lot of the bad feelings I had. She worked on her traumatic experiences and our relationship dynamics. Just when things were going well I got a new boss who made things hard for me and others at work and I started messing up more. I got in trouble for messing up a job at work and was given strike one on my record. She lost respect for me as a provider but I tried to stay strong showing her that I would continue to do my best.

I remember when we had an appointment in Tacoma and we had a brunch date together afterwards. She looked so beautiful that day, I took her picture and was so proud to enjoy  huevos rancheros and momosas with her. I remember going to the Tacoma Art Museum seeing the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit, we have a great time together doing new things and feeding each other's interests. I loved laughing with her too, sometimes we just bust up like nobody's around. I loved the sound of her laughter. I loved watching Portlandia with her, it is so funny to remember the funny place where we became close and be able to relate together.

2015

I kept working hard and being involved with family and appointments for my boys and her. I still maintained my volunteer work and part time side jobs. I got strike two with the Navy for messing up again... I had just gained orders to leave the sub for local shore duty. I could not get out of the extended repair situation soon enough. She was very disappointed in me and not so understanding. I worked through this situation with our counselor as did she. He always told her I am a good man and that I do a lot for her and the boys. It's true, I care more than anything about them, I made mistakes and I feel bad especially when I cause my family stress. I left for shore duty in April. It was a hard time adjusting to the new routine but eventually we seemed to make it work. That summer we took a trip to visit Texas where her parents had just moved from Florida. We spent a great night together for our 10th anniversary in a hotel in Texas and went dancing. We had a lot more time together as my work schedule was less. The more people we had in our home working with our kids on issues the less useful my input seemed. I was not included as much in making family decisions because they all seemed to happen while I was at work, despite my objections. We tried to get our budget under control but she still had anxiety discussing spending. She continued to struggle with depression and was put on medication because she had still been harming herself. She was put on Prozac daily and anti anxiety medication as needed. He family members were not very supportive of medication which upset her but I always tried to be supportive in seeking help and continued care for both of us.

2016

We had a busy routine of kids in school now and home school and preschool and appointments for all of us. She wanted to go to church less and less. I started drinking a couple beers at night almost every day. I tried to mask my stress from her mood swings. She decided not to go to church at all anymore and focused teaching the boys about Jewish traditions exclusively which was hard for me to adjust to and confusing for the boys. I loved her and wanted to be supportive. As usual I was submissive and removed myself from the Christian church and some friendships. I feel like we lost our community at that point. We searched for a good place to have a new community with Jewish people but it was like starting over. I felt like I converted to Christianity for her when we got together and now I had to convert again, either way I would have done it for her because I loved her that much. The kids were confused by this change. After trying and failing at many synagogues we finally found one that seemed right for us.

2017

We finally had some money in savings because I kept it a secret and ended up planning a trip to visit her parents in Texas but it fell through due to lack of military flights. Instead we spent three nights away in a nice hotel resort as a family in February. We had three days of pure family time. Playing Battleship and other games in our room as a family, watching movies and eating at all the different restaurants and getting room service. Going swimming everyday in the foggy pool. I love our family and how we can have a great time together doing nothing but at the same time so much. That was so peaceful and relaxing. I wanted to keep doing things like that together as a family before our boys got too old. Shortly after this vacation she wanted to go back to school, then we bought a third vehicle so she could. Shortly after this she changed her mind about school and wanted to buy another house instead. I went along with it to please her and we practically killed ourselves trying to get the move accomplished with not much help or money. We had a good year over all. We got away for a romantic anniversary together in the summer. Just before the boys were going to start public school in the fall, her parents moved back to the area. She had anxiety with this and cut off contact with her parents and brothers for a while. Her Dad called me very upset and I tried to keep the peace until they reconciled. I was doing better with work and made up for lost progress as well as making arrangements to change jobs in the Navy to something more fitting. Since the boys started public school, I planned on leaving for Navy training in my new position after the beginning of the new year when they would be at a more settled place in their routine.

I remember when we went to the Olympic Club for our anniversary and we stayed there for a night away. We drove the long way through the countryside talking about new music that she wanted to share with me and she made notes of it on my phone notepad. We brought our own cooler and picnic that included Session Lagers and chocolate. We checked in to our room and made noisy bohemian love on the edge of the creaky bed in our small European room inches from the door. Then we went to the theater downstairs and watched the late showing of a really interesting Sci-fi movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". We took showers and slept sweetly together. We made love again in the morning before we had a delicious brunch outside on the patio. We took the long way home and drove around on new roads and found our way out of cell phone reception. We figured out the road less traveled to get back to our home. We loved being alone and away together, just one night can make such a difference and mean so much.

I remember going to the Forest Theater to see Tarzan with our boys. That was such a great time. I would love to get our boys into theater and go see them someday. I wanted to keep our dreams and goals together alive and not lose opportunity and fall short by losing our partnership.

I loved going camping in Seabeck. Loading the truck with all our gear and getting away. Archer got sick from the cowboy caviar and I had to clean him and the tent up in the night. I was glad we had each other to be a team in our marriage in that situation as with all the other times. These sorts of things are what escape a person's mind when they are determined to get a divorce.

2018

We had a lot less money than the year before, again buying a house took its toll on finances as did the boys school and after school activities. I stayed very involved taking the boys to appointments and sporting practices. We stopped going to synagogue but tried to practice Judaism at home as much as possible, which I was very supportive of and involved with. She was still depressed and talking about suicide at times. I encouraged her to get help as I always had. Eventually she was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and manic depressive by a new provider. She started taking new medicine for this and was worried I would want to leave her. I assured her I would never leave her and that I always wanted to work on things with her and help her. I left for training in Mississippi February 8th. It was going to be hard but I thought it might be good to have some time apart from each other to miss one another and reflect on things as well as prepare for times when I would be away at sea. I got in trouble in Mississippi for giving junior personnel a ride and being negligent of people who might be underage and possibly drinking, this became strike three. I never thought this could happen. I became recommend for separation from the Navy shortly after and was stuck in Mississippi for six months instead of six weeks. She was supportive through most of it but seemed to fall into hopelessness. Money was spent by her that we didn't have without discussion. She quietly leased appliances and tires and purchased a vehicle as well as having a secret bank account and email address. I discovered through our insurance company that she wanted to leave our policy for divorce. I didn't know this and she had even told the boys she wanted a divorce before I even knew. I was caught off guard and confused. I kept trying to communicate and reason with her but she didn't want to talk. I refused to give up and wrote emails and a letter but it only seemed to push her away further. By the time I left Mississippi she had filed for divorce and a restraining order against me saying I was unstable and a threat. I couldn't return to my home. My whole life fell apart in just a couple months. I found out she had been talking to other men in the Navy and keeping more secrets. I assumed this was her way of taking control during a difficult situation. I really needed her support during this hard time of transition out of the military. I became homeless, jobless and without my family in a month. I prayed to God that given time things might change between us but it was of no use. Bipolar had consumed whatever was left of my bride and there was no turning back.

I felt that our love was not one to be cast away. Other people might not understand or agree but what we had was truly special. We may have surely needed some time and space to get counseling as well as reconfigure and repair our marriage but I didn't feel like our relationship was irretrievably broken. She was so important to me and I thought she was the love of my life and would always have my heart. I wanted to be her partner in love and life, watching our boys grow up and being there to support each other. Being that she is Bipolar I knew she will need a lot of help and I was more than willing to assist her in making sure she was taking care of herself and not throwing herself into harm's way, ensuring she sticks with a plan we agree to for consistency. I cared about her deeply and had much compassion for her. I didn't believe she was thinking this through or thinking about the future. I really wanted to look at the long and short game with her, neither seemed appealing to me if we progressed but here we are. Things are not going to be easier. She will still have to face her problems and deal with me on a regular basis for the rest of our lives no matter what happens. She can believe her lawyer when they promise she'll get the moon and stars out of this in the end but they only see half of the story. Above all they want our money. It would have been good for her to face me in person and tell me she wanted to divorce and we could have started talking about it with a counselor to figure out how that could even work. Instead she chose to avoid as much responsibility for her actions as possible by doing everything in my absence as if I am not a real person. I had to find out about it from our insurance company and was last to know.

Immediately after I hear the word divorce I looked into her cell usage history and find she has a new military boyfriend that she talks to 20-30 times a day. She felt she owed me no explanation for this and it was none of my business. A mature person would have let me know about this months before and I would have seen it coming but there was no sign until it was seemingly too late. She strayed down a dark path and never turned back.

Her proposed parenting plan was cruel and had no thought put into it. Two hours a week with supervision, no holidays but father's day? She said she’s not trying to keep me from the kids but this is the exact opposite of what she’s saying with the paperwork she filed. She seems very mixed up and still you continues to make rash and sudden choices. Like a completely bogus restraining order against me that contradicts so many facts she has stated herself on record during my Navy retention process. She was so bold as to want to change her identity and even put it in ink on the divorce paperwork as well to a whole new name. That is not the actions of a stable person. She has since changed her mind again on that just as quickly as everything else in her recent life choices. I can't trust that any decisions she is making right now are for the right reasons or that she is of sound mind. I have never seen her so conflicted and confused, grasping at straws and running scared from herself.

Using the legal system so carelessly and going back and forth makes me feel like she is not ready to be making big choices and changes for her and our family. It is very unfair that she can’t consider my feelings on things and what I wish for the boys as well. Very reckless behavior. She can’t anticipate that the day would come where she has to face me and talk to me like an adult. She wants to hide behind the legal system which only leaves much to be unresolved. Ghosting me is not really an option in a marriage of 13 years with children.

Having relationship conversations is too difficult for her at this time and she would rather avoid it and skip to divorce because she thinks that will somehow be easier. I suspect she knows she is making poor choices, possibly out of fear and lust for something new and less painful than the reality of things right now. Our marriage was nowhere close to divorce when I left. She was sad to see me leave and woke with me at 3:30 am to say goodbye, making me coffee and cookies for me to take with.

Our community and accountability seems to be gone due to the continued trend of isolation that she is drawn to. The God fearing loving committed wife I thought I had is gone or trapped inside a terrified shell of herself. She cut me off from her family members and I can't discuss my concerns about her with them either. She only seems to have community with those who are not going to discourage her from these destructive choices.

I understand we have had issues and struggles but we are no worse off than other couples during challenging times. I think that because we loved each other so much it just hurt more when things got hard. I can't accept or believe this is justified or the right choice based on the positive trend we were on before I left. This was the longest break we have ever had from each other and I think she just needed someone to be there more for her, no matter who it was. Time can heal all wounds and I hope that is true for our relationship as co-parents.

She still refuses to tell me about why she wanted a divorce or talk about anything beyond caring for the kids. I have fought the restraining and I can see my boys again but I am still not allowed to my home without her permission.

I have risen from the ashes in just a couple months. I rent a room from a nice couple from our old church and obtained a good paying job while I continue paying the household bills.

This is a really hard time, this difficult spell could have been a tool to better our relationship. I wanted to experience more beautiful memories with her. We had so many more beautiful memories and dreams left to create. This is what marriage looks like to me now as I lower the casket.
This is a timeline of the major events during my 13 year marriage. Amidst the reality, I injected all the lovely memories that refuse to leave my mind.
Sometimes you open yourself up to a person because you feel and believe that they're different and maybe this time they won't break your heart and that your love will be requitted. So you go out on a limb and open up so much of yourself to this person. Things that you're afraid to tell others about because of fear of being judged or rejected. But there's just something about this person that allows you to tell them everything. You become so comfortable in the presence of that person that you openly admit your flaws, you don't hide it. You just completely lose yourself in love and in the thought and concept of being loved, of being in a relationship and of being with someone that you can be yourself with. The idea of that person just completely excites you and everything about them makes you happy. Seeing them and hearing their voice just helps you in an inexplicable manner and being with them is an emotion of complete comfortability on its  own. You learn to love this person and you accept their flaws and differences. You accept how they might not necessarily love eating McDonalds as much as you do or they are crazy about sci-fi movies where you can't even get yourself past watching a chick flick.
But that's just it, you don't mind.
You don't mind because love is about sacrifices.
Its about sacrificing your weekly episode of The Vampire Diaries to watch the most recent sports updates.

Because you'd rather lose the argument than to lose the person. You'd sacrifice a part of your daily routine all for love. The worst part is that nothing is guaranteed. You're not guaranteed how long you will be in a relationship with this person. You're not guaranteed complete happiness and you're not guaranteed that things are going to be perfect. You just have to trust this person and have faith. Believe the best and hope that everything will work out for the. Best. Believe that even if you break up with this person, that you're going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok, and that new beginnings are perfectly acceptable. Believe that you're going to overcome heartbreak of any kind. You just have to believe that someone out there is looking for someone like you.
What others see Wrong in you just might be the exact thing that will make someone else fall in love with you. And you need to be realistic. Not all relationships last forever. Some relationships are there for lessons and experiences. So that very person that you completely open yourself up to, can break your heart. It could be during or even after the relationship.

But its all part of life I guess. You'll never know how to love someone wholeheartedly if you haven't been hurt before. You just have to turn your heartbreak in to something positive, make the most out of your situation. See the light in the darkness. But learn to deal with things too. Find closure in what happened to you and don't leave a relationship with unfinished business. Because unfinished business will have to be finished sooner or later, and I think sooner is better. Allow yourself time to heal too. Opening yourself up to someone that much can hurt you a lot, and everything you had with that person will be completely lost in an instant. And you're gonna need to come to terms with that. Remember that what's meant to be , will be.

Love, is a complicated thing, and you're never quite sure how things could possibly turn out to be. You're just gonna go out on a limb each time hoping for the best and patiently waiting for your happily ever after with a special person.
em Jan 2016
Lose my keys.
Lose my sleep.
Lose my thoughts.
Lose my pride.
Lose my lover.
Lose my mind.
This is a skill I've mastered.
What I am is a loser.

Trust me darling it only hurts the first time.
The pain?
You'll lose that too.
then I lost you.
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Beacause all these feelings,
Are making holes in my body;
& I cant stop bleeding.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are tearing me apart;
& the pieces to my body have gone missing.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are creating pollution in my head;
So I have forgotten how to think.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are melting together like water;
& I cant swim against my waves anymore.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are freezing together like ice;
& they just throw themselves at me;
So I keep bruising.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Allow me to express myself;
Allow me to go out of control;
Allow me to drink to forget;
Allow me to abuse myself;
Allow me to be dizzy;
In my own head.
The more feelings I have,
The worse I become.
Just take all this pain away.
Just take all this misery away.
Just take all this negativity away.
Just make me forget how to feel.
I wanna lose all anger.
I wanna lose all depression.
I wanna lose all anxiety.
I wanna lose all tension.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I just wanna be numb.
I wanna lose everything.
I wanna lose feeling.
WordsOfLoved Aug 2013
I seem to be the master at this game
always out liking someone
I dive it with high expectations and end with them crashing down into the dirt
because I always out like
You liked me, I liked you
you stopped liking me eventually, but I didn't stop liking you
I win, you lose.
You'd think winning is a sweet victory
but winning this game ends in nothing but sad nights
I win, you lose.
I'll stay on the phone, content with just listening to our silence and you did too
for a while
I win, you lose.
I'll go out of my way to see you
you'd go when it was convenient
I win, you lose.
I keep the same feelings
while yours wither
ha,
I win. you lose.
All connections break because you simply
don't feel it anymore
I win,
you lose.
Marieta Maglas Oct 2011
In the Springtime
The wind beats the trees
Until they lose
Their most beautiful flowers
In the Summertime
The wind beats the trees
Until they lose
Their most beloved fruits
In the Autumn time
The wind beats the trees
Until they lose
Their most painful leaves
In the Winter time
The wind beats the trees
Until they lose
Their hope.
And the wind beats again those trees
Until they lose
Their most important spring buds
Again and again
Until they lose their sap
Moreover
The wind beats the trees
Until they collapse down
To the ground.
Category: Poetry
MCN: C7MNH-VCG58-TASX1
© copyright Mon Nov 08 10:51:00 UTC 2010 - All Rights Reserved- From A beauty on fire
Wyatt Apr 2016
Plotting a suicide without any motivation
or living a life with just a bunch of frustration.
Sitting here all exhausted
from all the journeys flowing through my head.
Life didn't seem like it was worth that much,
at least I thought that about mine
and truthfully that hasn't changed much,
maybe you think I'm selfish or maybe I'm just fine.
Doesn't change that fact that
if I'm completely honest with myself
death doesn't sound so bad,
you're in a sleep that you never had
when you were on this planet because you were feeling bad
about all the stuff that you did but you didn't wanna do.
Have you ever felt like that?
Like you're living a lie and you just want to hear the truth?
Man just stop me right now and take me back
to a time where we were uninformed
about how weird we were and how weak we were
because things were so easy and we couldn't get hurt
because our parents were right there to bail us out
every time when we jumped in and couldn't get out.
Now I just mask all my feelings and act like they don't bother me
and sometimes I feel like it's working and I shut them all off
but what's the point then if we're just mindless robots
going with the flow and doing what they like
without ever considering if we're all alright?
Drinking in the dark without a light
and getting hurt so we can get high.

I don't think too many people can relate
with what I say and you know I hate
people who lie to me and tell me it's all okay
even though it's not okay.
You know how many times that's been
a distant thought in the back of my head?
I died and I came back to life
about a thousand times in a month's time.
That's probably the deadliest type of rhyme.
Back and forth and here and there,
life right now doesn't seem so fair
like when they said back when I was here
in school saying I could be whatever I want, but why should I care?
Because right now I'm struggling just to be
the most basic form of a working being,
trying to put in work and make some money
because that's the only form of worth these people give to me.
You wonder why I've had it with this life,
why it feels like we're all so consumed
with broken ideas and getting caught in the headlights?
We've all got blood on our hands and we made that choice.
We're all buried deep in the sand hoping that our voice
can escape and grab hold of someone nearby
because we were just kidding and we don't really wanna die.
But we also know that if we don't die, we'll just act dead when we're alive.
So do you lose or do you lose?
Don't give me a concerned stare from your eyes,
if that alone could cure the hell in my mind...
then I guess I would be alright.
Anything that breaks the norm,
a sigh or a moan gets their attention
and they want to be there immediately
but why give them the pain that you bring?
Doesn't sound like a good deal to me.
So do you lose or do you lose?
Emerson Nosreme Sep 2018
Lose yourself to music that you wanna blast all day long
***** all the neighbors who yell at you for it

Lose yourself in books that you want to read
Read a few a friend would recommend
Otherwise don’t force yourself to read books that you’re forced to read

Lose yourself when you write things you want to write
Don’t let anyone tell you what to write
And don’t change a thing about how you write

Lose yourself when you do what you love
And don’t worry about anyone who is glaring at you

Lose yourself in the eyes of the person you love
Whether it’s him, her or them
Or whether your parents hate them
Or whether everyone hates you both

Lose yourself in the clothes you wear
Ignore any raised eyebrows
Focus on the positive comments

Lose yourself in the make up you wear
Don’t worry boys, this is for you too
And girls don’t stress about it
I certainly won’t care
Haych Feb 2014
When you feel like you're being stabbed
And the knife twists deeper and
and deeper
tightening its grip
and the tears are flowing
flowing faster and faster and they don't seem to end
and you're drowning in the darkness of the dark, dark night

When your screams become voiceless...
When your fingers become numb because you're frozen in fear...
And you lose hope...
Lose sleep...
Lose reason to fight the pain...
Lose reason...

Lose sight...
Of why you ever survived this far...
And most importantly...
Why you didn't switch it all off...

It's because you care,
It's because you're stronger than you think,
You're beautiful,
You're not all those horrible things that people call you,
You're not a failure because you keep falling,
You're not a ***** up because you *****-things-up
YOU ARE HUMAN!
You are perfectly imperfect!

and now let me tell you the truth that you've been denied of...

It's okay to not always be okay
It's okay to care too much and be the reason that you get hurt
It's okay to lose people, and things you love
until you have nobody but yourself left...
We where created weak,
To find our strengths,

And because when you feel like you're drowning
and gasping for air
all on your own
when you finally take the choice
to let yourself be the victim of your pain
or rise above the waves of your dark dark days
And learn how to swim
even if you keep drowning
if you keep fighting to stay afloat
you'll forget the pain
And you'll concentrate on the one thing that matters

you'll find out that it IS okay to not ALWAYS be OKAY
You've just got to be brave.





       
-H
Classified Jun 2014
The way her eyes portray so much and are so deep, so beautiful and so captivating

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

The curve of her waist that leads to her hips enchants and intices me

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

The shape of her lips invite me and excite me

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

The ***** of her neck to her chest to her breast intrigues me and causes me to long to explore it with my lips

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

Her being is vivacious

*Infatuation makes you lose sense
Do you know where the line is between Infatuation and Love? Because they are two wry different things.
If you wanna lose your rebel cherry,
never give away your rebel cherry.
The Man, he is slippery
as a cat called Quantum Gravity.

I never wanna hear your rebel yell
was tracheotomised by trials of a rebel.
The Eternal Yes made in Madison Avenue.
We don't always win but rebels never lose.

If you wanna lose your V-sign
V-plates, you gotta frig the system.
The Man, he is a jive
turkey of received wisdom.

I never wanna hear your rebel yell
was tracheotomised by trials of a rebel.
The Eternal Yes made in Madison Avenue.
We don't always win but rebels never lose.

What we gotta lose
except for our chains?
Our workfare & zero hours?
What we gotta lose
except for our chains?
And our flowers
to Che Guevara?
Tell me we can have the world if we choose.
Build my hopes so far up to the point where I can't lose.
Illuminate all the possibilities of what we can do.
Make it seem that no matter what I still can't lose.

Lift me to the ******. Would it be a surprise?
How far up can we go?  How much further can we rise?
Did you ever speculate what would happen if you failed?
Instead, you just gave me a boost and watched me set sail.
Didn't even deliberate before you spoke to me of such words.
Knew it made me happy to have things to look towards.

Now, your misrepresentations are finally transparent.
It's no surprise you discourage me with more disappointment.
Painted all the things I despise with one single portrait.
Its like you  raised your hands, gave up and said your forfeit.
You must be too lazy to commit or your life is not worth it.

You have nothing left to lose, right?
Not compelling enough to put up a fight.
What if I was something you had to lose?
I should be the difference of how you anticipate to choose.
You could die today, never be able to see my face.
Never be able to touch my hand or watch how our fingers lace.
Never be able to smell the scent of my dark hair as we lay.
Never be able to hear my voice or all the words I could say.
Can end it all here, right now, leave behind this place.

So I'm reaching out and you can slip away.
Make it a nightmare turned into reality paved in stone.
Cause you are willing to leave me behind, all alone.
Let me stumble on my breakdown to where I collapse.
You say, "I have nothing left to lose," perhaps.
I fall once more and I crumple, hitting the floor I smash.
Your failure to launch led me to subside and crash.

Is that really where you want me when you choose?
You were wrong, I do have something to lose.
That something I have left is you.
Mateuš Conrad Apr 2019
.you can never really write any poetry by not covering the "heartbreak" the loss of your own "printed" words: how much different is the internet, from "real" life? just asking... since: internet banking & internet shopping... to lose a poem / pre-scriptum is not exactly the same as losing a person to mind: father's day... i cooked the dinner, i took out the trash, i wrote an invoice... i guess that's much better than leaving a card of greetings... and, come to think of it? why are we the sort of people subjugated to nostalgia, with but also "without" a history? aren't we subjugated to nostalgia and a history as a "fiction"? the beginning of the 21st century, the end of the 20th century... the 19th century germans associated themselves with a nostalgia for ancient greece, we're the only people who have an inbuilt nostalgia "safety-mechanism"... the only people in time who are nostalgic about the life surrounding their own existence slot, which doesn't have a trans-temporal dynamic... i remember times when we would be teenagers... spitting on people from car-parks on imaginary tonsures, buying *****-magazines from indian cornershops, or belgian freebies of non-insinuations, white lightning cider while sleeping over at youth centers playing snooker throughout the night... even at school: attending a catholic school with the irish east enders... uniforms, sure... a chequered shirt: blue, red, white... tag? made in canada... and if only capitalism worked as it once did, made in canada? lifetime of a shirt? 20 years... now? made in china... not exactly real cotton, is it? 2 years... before ironing the shirt *****... once upon in gants hill, st. valentine's park, and the pub, recently closed, decent karaoke... in the park? golf, basketball, rowing boats in the large ponds... when the jews were there... gants hill roundabout... the hanukkah torches... jews scuttling wearing trainers come rosh hashanah: jews can't wear leather on rosh hashanah (judgement day)... shy like rats... when the jews were there (gants hill, ilford)... the park looked great... tennis courts... now, when neo-Bangladesh moved in? ****** place. what else do i remember from my original pre-scriptum that i lost? oh, that once time in gants hill... walking into a kosher bakery with ****** knuckles, having tested them on a canvas of a brick wall, buying some dough-fused-sweets? with the girl selling the sweets bewildered by fear? i like the look of fear in people when tested by uncertainty, and bleeding knuckles? later? climbing over the park fence, taking a **** while squatting in the darkened palace of the park, walking into a brothel, having my wallet stolen, not reacting in what would have been justified... high school... we wore uniforms... so no high school h'american culture trap / culture... school uniforms are the best idea, there's no chance to "shine" in telling apart the rich kids from the poor kids... there's only the standard... walking to a supermarket, past a thai surprise... sports bra, short hair... walking back... she's still there pretending to talk on her mobile to someone... you take her home with a few beers... play her some jazz... take her into the garden, the moon is a beauty... you **** her... hand in her underwear and you're still gambling... before the emergence of the nag hammadi library and the whole androgynous vogue, the thai were already readied with the lady-boys... when i reached in and found nothing but oyster... would i have stopped finding a wink-wink slouching worm? slap a trans in the face? no, not really... a thai surprise is, a thai surprise... i would have considered doing my first ****... "lucky" for me she was a she... a girl... ****** her in the garden under the moonlight... gave her my hoodie, which she drowned in... finally... the level of interaction where the female is not a mantis, i.e. a female larger than the male... she drowned into my hoodie as i walked her home... i like the familiarity with the mammalian, not resorting to insect superiority of females... these days... i find that males are strictly mammalian... while females? they are borrowing insect-esque ontologies... well, darwinism allowed the time-frame... males are mammals... females are insects, behaviour-wise... two time frame i do not appreciate the english for... darwinism is prime.... cultural-marxism my ***... what about cultural-darwinism?! no?! that doesn't exist?! cultural-darwinism is as real as cultural-marxism, and, in the former sense? it really does belong to the conservative right-wing politico spectrum! might i add? isn't psychology merely pop philosophy? i find psychology riddled with rubric cohesion, it's all oh so "self"-evident! i abhor psychologists... these gypsy philosophers... medicine-men with no pharmacological shadow of power... to prescribe drugs... arguments, persuasions, but no dialectics... psychology will forever be, for me, a philosophy primer, short-cut... pop philosophy... psychologists can treat people who have never read a philosophy book... r. d. laing... i remember this one instace... me and a fwend of mine travelled into central london, went into a bookshop shy of trafalgar sq., i spotted an edition of: the scarlet and the black by stendhal... i told him: i will trade you linkin park's debut album, if you buy me this... the transaction was made... the one book i read after seeing a film adaptation starring rachel (rakhel) weisz and ewan mcgregor... ra-kh-el: not ray-chel... we used to be humans once... at high school getting bullied back... putting pins on chairs once we got up, sitting on them... playing bulldog in primary school, slap-ball, tag, playing cards at lunchtime... 16 fatty boy... one summer in poland, comes back aged 17... the irish girls take an interest while eating a pomegranate... what was the success of your diet? don't go to the gym... excess skin, an aesthetic surgeon is not what you need... there are only two ways to lose weight... either via swimming or by cycling... cycling is the best... lose weight by also toning your body... gym is a bad idea... by going to the gym you are straining exclusive parts of your body, either the torso, your hands, etc., jogging? unless on soft ground, bad idea on concrete, arthritis... cycling or swimming... lose weight... tone at the same time, the skin is allowed the required time to adapt to shrink, and forget what propped it up in plump form with all that excess flab... ugh... i hated being attractive to the opposite ***, i never used it to my advantage! imagine... an irish lad comes up to me, on behalf of some girl while i'm donning a french braid: you look just like johnny depp in blow, impersonating george jung... 14 year old girls walk up to you asking what shampoo you're using... herbal essences... i never used my looks... *******... now i'm a heavy drinker... so much for looks... first girlfriend? a fwend had to call me telling me she called him that she felt butterflies when i dropped her at the train platform after a day's worth of dating: tate modern, edward hopper exhibitions, cinema: troy, starring rose byrne (briseis) - honestly, a man can go crazy over curly hair... and then a restaurant date... that **** just flew over my head... i wouldn't have noticed... honestly though... i missed the whole h'american cultural excavation genesis in high school... catholic... uniforms... jesuit army-esque formation... now, i'm ageing... i'm starting to find the company of cats to be: clingy... my shadow included... i once thought that dogs were needy... i'm starting to think that cats are worse, esp. the maine **** breed... "lonely" or "loneliness" doesn't really resonate with me, esp. when thinking something "feels" like a variation of claustrophobia: hence i write... without a dialectic in place, ever since plato wrote his dialogues... what is philosophy, primarily? isn't it an off-shoot of "claustrophobia"? we write because we are seeking escape from congested thinking, a variation of "claustrophobia"... now imagine a schizoid character... having to focus on an imaginary dialectic, actually... having dialectics enforced on him, with no clarifying exodus to posit a gensis with! now, a clingy dog i could understand, given the overpowering status of the leash... but a clingy cat, when there's no leash involved?! shoom! right over my head... gone, somewhere into the distance!

what, this is the part...
were i cite...
   the weimar ******
critical condition...
       a daft punk troop
of a song,
  end of line....
blow-up a hot air balloon...
worth of blaire whire...
play the tambourine
like a ******* video...
there are,
quiet, simply,
no nazis coming...
fashionista faux pas
examples...
i'm alive,
but i'm dead,
i just forget to don
a strap-on...
  "oops"?
   that **** go down well
with
the "in"-crowd...
usual... metropolitan...
verbiage surge of answers....
   many a fetish after...
we arrive at the sensible
aspect,
"toxic masculinity"...
when guns n roses wasn't,
and nirvana was just plain
gay...
              and then...
whatever that happened,
happened..
                 and people were like:
come to the "new" tomorrow,
there's always a yesterday,
in a dream,
in some phil collins
wannabe
studio...
or... some other random ****
that
excluded peter gabriel.

                 i died:
and just about right:
my harvest had come.

great book reviews...
"toxic masculinity"...
so all masculinity is
about a clockwork orange?
   if it is?
can i be pro abortion
anti mongolian horde?
yes? no?
  which is it?!
neither...
   **** me... that's just bad
luck...

                               sundbeds,
sunflowers,
tulips,
sunglasses,
    plenty of staged
eager nights...
boring political affairs...
and...
         when gaming was
more about the narrative...
and never,
ever, about the microtransactions...

point being...
it's a game within a game...
time, is the prime concern...
you play a game,
by waiting...
you wait: by playing a game...

  microtransactions
are...
you ever move a sim3 avatar
to a computer,
and make it play a computer game?
what's on the macrocosmos spectrum?
you....

               "back in the day"...
you'd spend a saturday morning
engrossed in a gaming narrative...
metal gear solid,
tenchu, final fantasy solid...
20 quid...
and you played the narrative...
and a game became equivalent
to the worth of a book,
resident evil,

            you paid for a month's worth
of gaming,
you exchanged tips,
you sometimes bought a cheat book
because of the homework,
and that was your saturday morning
before hitting the shopping mall
or, whatever...

the current dynamic of
microtransactions in gaming?
i never, ever, do...
i'm an old gamer type...
i see the potential of extending
the life-expectancy
of a game...

   as long as you don't buy into
the microtransactions gambling habit?
as long as you play the "game"
within the game?
the game is an assured classic,
akin to chess...

              you have to play
the waiting "game"...
             time...
                           that's all it is...
whether war robots,
    or dawn of titans...
        comparison...
  you know that the best fruit,
is fruit, allocated
to the geography of it being sourced
seasonally...
you can't actually get better
strawberries,
than english strawberries...
from england, come june / july...
no ******* point sourcing them
from spain in late march / april....

    same thing with gaming...
the modern games haven't made any
elaboration...
apart from dislodging the player
from the concept of narrative...
**** me... that's almost an improvement...
given that now: time is the counter
measure, and the gamer...
   is having to invest,
in a narrative, outside of the confines
of the game,
once upon a time,
games had time-narrative
constraints...
     now: there's time,
and there are gamer narratives,
excluding them from time-narratives,
of a game...
         it's almost a faux pas...
more like a wet-*****...
****** pinky lodged into an ear,
an april fools' day scant...

        if you hacked passed
the microtransactions hype...
and didn't?
and instead took to patience?
it's free...
   where once,
a game would cost you 20 quid,
and a month's worth
of narrative,
back then, when games
resembled books,
when the gaming industry
was heavily influenced
by literature...
and now?
   the game's free...
sure...
it's "unfair", it's biased...
when you don't engage
in imported gambling
of succumbing to what, this is the part...
were i cite...
   the weimar ******
critical condition...
       a daft punk troop
of a song,
  end of line....
blow-up a hot air balloon...
worth of blaire whire...
play the tambourine
like a ******* video...
there are,
quiet, simply,
no nazis coming...
fashionista faux pas
examples...
i'm alive,
but i'm dead,
i just forget to don
a strap-on...
  "oops"?
   that **** go down well
with
the "in"-crowd...
usual... metropolitan...
verbiage surge of answers....
   many a fetish after...
we arrive at the sensible
aspect,
"toxic masculinity"...
when guns n roses wasn't,
and nirvana was just plain
gay...
              and then...
whatever that happened,
happened..
                 and people were like:
come to the "new" tomorrow,
there's always a yesterday,
in a dream,
in some phil collins
wannabe
studio...
or... some other random ****
that
excluded peter gabriel.

                 i died:
and just about right:
my harvest had come.

great book reviews...
"toxic masculinity"...
so all masculinity is
about a clockwork orange?
   if it is?
can i be pro abortion
anti mongolian horde?
yes? no?
  which is it?!
neither...
   **** me... that's just bad
luck...

                               sundbeds,
sunflowers,
tulips,
sunglasses,
    plenty of staged
eager nights...
boring political affairs...
and...
         when gaming was
more about the narrative...
and never,
ever, about the microtransactions...

point being...
it's a game within a game...
time, is the prime concern...
you play a game,
by waiting...
you wait: by playing a game...

  microtransactions
are...
you ever move a sim3 avatar
to a computer,
and make it play a computer game?
what's on the macrocosmos spectrum?
you....

               "back in the day"...
you'd spend a saturday morning
engrossed in a gaming narrative...
metal gear solid,
tenchu, final fantasy solid...
20 quid...
and you played the narrative...
and a game became equivalent
to the worth of a book,
resident evil,

            you paid for a month's worth
of gaming,
you exchanged tips,
you sometimes bought a cheat book
because of the homework,
and that was your saturday morning
before hitting the shopping mall
or, whatever...

the current dynamic of
microtransactions in gaming?
i never, ever, do...
i'm an old gamer type...
i see the potential of extending
the life-expectancy
of a game...

   as long as you don't buy into
the microtransactions gambling habit?
as long as you play the "game"
within the game?
the game is an assured classic,
akin to chess...

              you have to play
the waiting "game"...
             time...
                           that's all it is...
whether war robots,
    or dawn of titans...
        comparison...
  you know that the best fruit,
is fruit, allocated
to the geography of it being sourced
seasonally...
you can't actually get better
strawberries,
than english strawberries...
from england, come june / july...
no ******* point sourcing them
from spain in late march / april....

    same thing with gaming...
the modern games haven't made any
elaboration...
apart from dislodging the player
from the concept of narrative...
**** me... that's almost an improvement...
given that now: time is the counter
measure, and the gamer...
   is having to invest,
in a narrative, outside of the confines
of the game,
once upon a time,
games had time-narrative
constraints...
     now: there's time,
and there are gamer narratives,
excluding them from time-narratives,
of a game...
         it's almost a faux pas...
more like a wet-*****...
****** pinky lodged into an ear,
an april fools' day scant...

        if you hacked passed
the microtransactions...
       and didn't have the chance...
microtransactions are like
the old school cheat hacks...
but not quiet, but somehow quasi-,
       a modern microtransactions,
would be a cheat magazine
thorough-through
a game like final fantasy VII...
you have homework,
but you still want to complete the game...
modern games...
modern games...
there's an "end gole"?
  what modern game is worth
"completing"?
    
   again: tron, ready player one,
back to the future...
star wars just became dead
to me...
   sick people will plague hard-working
people, with a quasi-gambling
addiction,
needing to make microtransactions...
and they will,
my father was plagued by
an impostor, claiming to be a
tax office official:
and what if, that person had
an authentic position at the tax office?!

when gaming was for gamers,
the games were bought...
there was a narrative...
but now... now games don't have a narrative...
why would they?!
   who the hell plays games for
the narrative these days?
i know that on the crapper,
i need a game that allows me
to experience live-stream
interaction with non-bots...

       and these old gamers,
who still invest their money
in literature-esque-games?
so i was the sad one,
investing in vinyl?
   aren't the classic ******* gamers
just as bad,
investing in prepackaged
narrative gaming
experiences?
             a game with a narrative...
yeah... me buying vinyl
is: b'ah b'ah bad...
       what sort of game is alive and well...
when there isn't a crowd pushback
for the currency of microtransaction?

the narrative is time,
   the longer you endure the inadequacy...
the more you realise:
you're basically playing
the same game,
but in your scenario:
it's free...
   in some other ******'s scenario:
it cost him 70 hundred quid...

personally?
   i love this microtransaction dynamic...
concerning the people who
do not engage with it...
it's the perfect antithesis
   of what ruined the music industry
with genesis: napster...

you really are, playing the ultimate
game,
time...
         the one sort of commodity
that games,
without a clear narrative construct,
"forgot" to mention in terms
of them being exploited...
to their full capacity
of the one "commodity"
they "forgot", or rather,
couldn't "sell"...

              a tenchu PS1 game could
have lasted me a month...
now? a free game,
like war robots...
with absolutely no NPC?
hell... i'll be 90 and still be playing it;

what else? applause!
i wanna be your girlfriend - girl in red

Oh, Hannah
I wanna feel you close
Oh, Hannah
Come lie with my bones
Oh, Hannah
Don't look away
Oh, Hannah
Just look at me the same
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
(Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah)
Oh, Hannah
Tell me something nice
Like flowers and blue skies
Oh, Hannah
I will follow you home
Although my lips are blue and I'm cold
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
Oh, Hannah
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend
I don't wanna be your friend I wanna be your *****
And I wanna touch you but not like this
The look in your eyes
My hand between your thighs
Oh, this can't be real
Its all just a dream
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips
I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend
Lose my breath
I don't wanna be your friend
Lose my breath
A poem every day.
7/4/2020

cant describe it any other way baby
PEARL SMOKE Jun 2018
Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.
She's my pretty city country girl
She's something I can't lose
Is she livin' in  the country
or the city, she must choose

You know I really love her
She's the one I really want
But if she moves off to the city
It's my heart she'll stay and haunt.

When I first saw her smiling face
It was a good old summers day
She had moved down from the city
And I hoped that she would stay

We played games out in the haystacks
We ran races through the corn
Turn left and hit the river
Turn right, you're lost till morn

She's my pretty city country girl
She's something I can't lose
Is she livin' in  the country
or the city, she must choose

You know I really love her
She's the one I really want
But if she moves off to the city
It's my heart she'll stay and haunt.

She occupied my dreams then
And still does to this day
Back then I hardly new her
I just hoped that she would stay

Short shorts and Gingham dresses
made her look the country part
But high heels and silk organza
Tugged the city in her heart

She's my pretty city country girl
She's something I can't lose
Is she livin' in  the country
or the city, she must choose

You know I really love her
She's the one I really want
But if she moves off to the city
It's my heart she'll stay and haunt.

We'd go to high school hoedowns
And dance like no one else was there
But when she heard Big Band Music
She was dreaming of Times Square

She loved to go out touring
In my pickup through the crops
But in my heart I knew she missed
The sounds of taxi cabs and cops

She's my pretty city country girl
She's something I can't lose
Is she livin' in  the country
or the city, she must choose

You know I really love her
She's the one I really want
But if she moves off to the city
It's my heart she'll stay and haunt.

She stayed here all through high school
But I knew deep down it had to end
I knew if I tried to say "I Love You"
she'd say "I love you like a friend"

She knew I'd never leave here
And I knew she had it made
If she went back to the city
And stopped her country masquerade

She's my pretty city country girl
She's something I can't lose
Is she livin' in  the country
or the city, she must choose

You know I really love her
She's the one I really want
But if she moves off to the city
It's my heart she'll stay and haunt.

It was two weeks past commencement
When I told her what I thought
Then I dropped down to me knee right there
And I showed her what I'd bought

I looked into her smiling eyes
And prayed that she'd say yes
Would she choose to stay in Daisy Dukes
Or go back to her chiffon dress

I'll let you guess the answer
By the way I end this poem
But I'm still here in the country
And she's waiting now at home.

She's my pretty city country girl
She's something I can't lose
Is she livin' in  the country
or the city, she must choose

You know I really love her
She's the one I really want
But if she moves off to the city
It's my heart she'll stay and haunt.
Shreya Inks Feb 2015
When you have a broken heart,
And you can't go back to the start;
When it hurts to move forward,
And you can't go back to your world;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you wanna sleep but you can't,
When you don't get all that you want;
When you find your dreams shatter,
And all your friends begin to flatter;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you lose something you die for,
When you lose all the reasons to adore;
When you work and it doesn't work out,
When you have to face the fall out;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When tears cover your face,
When to wanna win some race;
When you wanna make your dreams,
When you are drowned in the streams;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you wanna confess something,
And you are afraid of the shame it will bring;
When you feel like albatross over your neck,
And it hurts to look back;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you have a broken heart,
And you can't go back to the start;
When it hurts to move forward,
And you can't go back to your world;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you wanna sleep but you can't,
When you don't get all that you want;
When you find your dreams shatter,
And all your friends begin to flatter;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you lose something you die for,
When you lose all the reasons to adore;
When you work and it doesn't work out,
When you have to face the fall out;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When tears cover your face,
When to wanna win some race;
When you wanna make your dreams,
When you are drowned in the streams;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you wanna confess something,
And you are afraid of the shame it will bring;
When you feel like albatross over your neck,
And it hurts to look back;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you have a broken heart,
And you can't go back to the start;
When it hurts to move forward,
And you can't go back to your world;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you wanna sleep but you can't,
When you don't get all that you want;
When you find your dreams shatter,
And all your friends begin to flatter;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you lose something you die for,
When you lose all the reasons to adore;
When you work and it doesn't work out,
When you have to face the fall out;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When tears cover your face,
When to wanna win some race;
When you wanna make your dreams,
When you are drowned in the streams;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

When you wanna confess something,
And you are afraid of the shame it will bring;
When you feel like albatross over your neck,
And it hurts to look back;
Then put all your faith in Lord,
And all your wounds will be cured.

© Shreya ♥
Leila Valencia Jan 2017
The tightest grip on a loose tether string

I want to lose control
Be in control
How can they happen twice - at once?

I feel you, I see you, and its pounding.
I'm pounding.
And I can't lose myself, I can't lose control.
Oh You -  and how I stand alone again.

And when I do, lose control, I lose you.
But I need to lose control to get you.

Do I know what to say, do?
How to act....
How to feel...
I want to stay away.
I want you to stay away.
Or I may lose control, and I mean control over my senses

Yet, I need to stop worrying about controlling you or me.
Controlling how I want everything to happen.
You to happen,
Me to feel

So let it flow, free fall, tumble and take its wave.
Tumble on the shore, and pull back into the current - once more, it splashes down on the wet sand
And each curvature in the wave is so different, pushed by wind, and shaped by geography
And each push and pull towards you, should flow
As I realize this, I may lose my grip

And release
When you feel so vulnerable around someone you have strong feelings for and you want to not feel this way because you hate the feelings of losing control of yourself and your emotions.

— The End —