A split decision
brain disconnecting the vision
replying and trusting
hoping without coping
sight through a kaleidescope.
No parking brake
vision so opaque
no reflection
no connection
no red, no green
no amber to be seen
just a dark tunnel.
Nothing.

serenity is a euphoric surrendering
to the cerulean sky
the green grass swaying with
dandelions releasing
their soft feathery bristles
as tender as the gentle breeze
sending them far and wide
pillowy clouds
suggest ever moving images
the kaleidescope of a child's mind
taking on different shapes
along the sparsely trodden path
trees waving leaves in welcoming greeting
song birds endlessly composing a captivating melody
the air as clean and fresh
of purified aroma
breathing the deep
earthly essence
with each sigh
attaining tranquil purity
thoughts of stilled
quiescence and calm embalm me
in translucent cocoon.~~lorilynn

copyright*lorilynn 2010

the face turned into the haze of the sun
and in the corner of its unseeing eye
i perceived the nature
of these truths
its in that turned face
its empty gaze cast over the far distant landscape
we all seek to sate the thirst
for a sweeter wine
unleash the mystery of self
unlock the untamed within

its smooth plastic features
hides nothing
but some would say that only reveals that it hides all truth
in its pastel faceless features
that we all see ourselfs

in its pastel faceless features
i see all my loneliness
all my shared joys
all loves all sorrows
all my years struggling against the tide
mishap and perchance
its in that man made  face
that we perceive the distance we must travel to find ourselfs
the trials we must endure to discover the truth
behind our own eyes

coiled in its depths are the answers we all seek
after all isnt it that simple
we create the troubles we seek to destroy
in its smooth plastic skin
she finds comfort
free from the fear of another's unpredictable madness
she can explore her own illusions
and that too seems sure
we destroy what we live for

on the beaches of my puddles
and in the forests between my lawn
and the kitchens back door
of my childhood home
the ages have worn away the questions
that once kept me staring off hopeful to the dawn
trying to decipher the meanings
from patterns of a gods casual breath

and so here i linger
these lifetimes later
waiting for the answers
that an inhuman human face hides
pastel kaleidescope
of the turned face
the barren night filled with wishes
and wishes filled with regrets

its pastel tones
haunt the night
its dark mutterings
play along the road that she bicycles on
whistling a girlhood tune
as she fades into loss
the light in her eyes gone forever
sometimes answers are the last thing we need

the day you stopped feeling like yourself
transparent window panes became frosted
with the cool heat of his disinterest
the kaleidescope of your mind began to retrace itself
praying to find a moment where you could
still trick yourself into thinking
that this was something
real
and i am left here turning and screaming
and praying for a day where i can feel warmth
that doesn't come from five minutes in his presence
i dig my nails into my skin because the sharpness of the pain distracts from the sandstorms in my heart
dry and hot and nothing left to give
i look to the stars and try to pray for a future
where i'm not still thinking about the look on his face
when he turned away
and the softness of his voice when it speaks my name

I close my eyes blocking out the sun. Its warmth drenches me.
Slips its way around my quivering bones and flosses my joints.
I am not by any means a child of the sun; I like to be cool and shaded.
But today I welcome each beaming ray and feel my soul slightly connected.

The breeze lifts my hair and in doing so my spirit does gallop.
Winding in and out of each strand only to rest it again softly on my shoulders.
The grass is fragrant on the air and firm beneath my feet.
Each blade reminding me that I am planted. I am not floating.

In this exact moment I have substance and a core.
This time is precious and I cling with greed to each singular moment.
As they never last long enough for me.
And as they always do, the tides of my emotional balance turn and on those unpredictable currents the conflict begins.

I feel the hurt as it trickles in, between the light and the dark.
Slivers of delicate agony sluice through my harbored thoughts.
A cloud skitters in, masking the sun.
The politics of my life are diameterically diverse and their pressures do accumulate.
Tossing the tiniest of pebbles onto an already tremulous load feels like rocks gathering weight to become boulders as they settle in among the rest.

I teem with ideas of cutting loose, however solidly I am anchored to this life.
It's strange that I smile when the truth is I'm hurting, so crowded in by my thoughts.
I think if I don't smile I may just shatter into a million beaten pieces.
I'm scared to fall away, to flash my picture forward, to stay where I am, to move...even in the slightest.

I feel wretched and abandoned. I bastardize myself.
I can't let anyone in, what would they think if they knew that I'm distorted and repulsive?
Mirrors reflect my imperfections, announcing my shortcomings on sight.
My secrets fertilize my self destruction, they harvest my self hate.
Their crops are the thoughts that remind me of my shames.

Like the thorn of a rose, so I am to this life.
I blemish the idea of beauty and innocuously hold the power to inflict pain.
The sun has turned black; cooling my skin and locking up my muscles.
The wind has picked up and now screams in my ears.
The grass waxes brown, dying with each flickering pass of my eye.

My thoughts consume me, piercing me through and through. I lack, I repent, I fall short, I endure, I reach out, I stumble, I laugh, I sob, I cut, I dissolve, I exist, I rejoice, I cry out, I hurt, I fail, I accomplish, I love, I leave, I give up, I stay, I persevere, I relate, I fear, I stand, I fall, I manage, I crash, I burn, I balance.

But above all of this...I conquer, I bypass myself on this kaleidescope journey. I'm here. I'm alive. I am one more light on the water.