I close my eyes blocking out the sun. Its warmth drenches me.
Slips its way around my quivering bones and flosses my joints.
I am not by any means a child of the sun; I like to be cool and shaded.
But today I welcome each beaming ray and feel my soul slightly connected.
The breeze lifts my hair and in doing so my spirit does gallop.
Winding in and out of each strand only to rest it again softly on my shoulders.
The grass is fragrant on the air and firm beneath my feet.
Each blade reminding me that I am planted. I am not floating.
In this exact moment I have substance and a core.
This time is precious and I cling with greed to each singular moment.
As they never last long enough for me.
And as they always do, the tides of my emotional balance turn and on those unpredictable currents the conflict begins.
I feel the hurt as it trickles in, between the light and the dark.
Slivers of delicate agony sluice through my harbored thoughts.
A cloud skitters in, masking the sun.
The politics of my life are diameterically diverse and their pressures do accumulate.
Tossing the tiniest of pebbles onto an already tremulous load feels like rocks gathering weight to become boulders as they settle in among the rest.
I teem with ideas of cutting loose, however solidly I am anchored to this life.
It's strange that I smile when the truth is I'm hurting, so crowded in by my thoughts.
I think if I don't smile I may just shatter into a million beaten pieces.
I'm scared to fall away, to flash my picture forward, to stay where I am, to move...even in the slightest.
I feel wretched and abandoned. I bastardize myself.
I can't let anyone in, what would they think if they knew that I'm distorted and repulsive?
Mirrors reflect my imperfections, announcing my shortcomings on sight.
My secrets fertilize my self destruction, they harvest my self hate.
Their crops are the thoughts that remind me of my shames.
Like the thorn of a rose, so I am to this life.
I blemish the idea of beauty and innocuously hold the power to inflict pain.
The sun has turned black; cooling my skin and locking up my muscles.
The wind has picked up and now screams in my ears.
The grass waxes brown, dying with each flickering pass of my eye.
My thoughts consume me, piercing me through and through. I lack, I repent, I fall short, I endure, I reach out, I stumble, I laugh, I sob, I cut, I dissolve, I exist, I rejoice, I cry out, I hurt, I fail, I accomplish, I love, I leave, I give up, I stay, I persevere, I relate, I fear, I stand, I fall, I manage, I crash, I burn, I balance.
But above all of this...I conquer, I bypass myself on this kaleidescope journey. I'm here. I'm alive. I am one more light on the water.
written by Stephanie