I want to write about how much I love you;
how your voice sounds like the ambient led zeppelin tunes that blanket my body in goosebumps
or how your olive green eyes have a ring of tree bark brown that gaze at me like I’m a queen
Maybe it’s how you treat me like a queen, you caress my skin like it’s made of gold and silver
You act as if all you wish to do is place me on a throne made of lilacs and constellations
Because you know how much I love flowers and how fascinated I am with the endless night sky
The way you make my heart feel heavy like mount everest is sitting on my chest is jaw dropping
With your lips dripping of honey as you tell me how much you love me
But you refuse to believe me when I say, you too are worthy.
You have to realize in my aquamarine eyes you are the only one I see
Even with thick grey smoke floating through the air from our cheap cigarettes every inhale is a breathe of fresh air when I am next to you.
I don’t know how else to tell you how much I care for you, but please know you are worth so much more than couch hopping and self reliance.
You can depend on me at 3 am when you’re restless and your eyes refuse to shut
You can depend on me to rub your back when it’s achey and sore,
You can depend on me to just be there when you need someone to hold.
I am not obligating you to do the same, and I understand I don’t need to beg,
because behind every loyal queen, is her king.
They're suppose to be your superhero,
Your best friend whom you can speak with at any hour,
Your biggest advocate,
The woman who does all your laundry
Now, you may have made me smell like Gain and Lavender dryer sheets
but you made me feel like my own worst enemy
especially when you slipped out words of rotten dimension
glaring at me through the eyes of disappointment and shame
regardless of this monstrosity that you call a "parenting skill"
I have been forced to listen to you ***** and moan about how the only reason you haven't ******* killed yourself yet it because you are a
--GODLY CATHOLIC WOMEN WHO HASN'T BEEN TO CHURCH SINCE 1989--
you say there is a light at the end of the tunnel
I say you are full of ****
when you preach about how your childhood was drab and terrible because your mother called you fat and a zero so I guess there really isn't a reason for me to be mad at all for you doing the same ******* thing to me as she did to you.
She ripped you of everything fair in the godforsaken world so I'm guessing it's only fair to return the favor to your FAT 16 years old daughter who has grown into a perennial of self loathing and late night smoke breaks
you took family road trips and created day time guilt trips and late night auto collisions.
You remember don't you?
When you thought I'd keep my ******* mouth shut when you set off on a rant about my father, the man you loved for 22 years and through tears and clenched teeth we ate heavily illuminated sheet metal and with every heaving breath I took all I could swallow was your *******.
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy,
I tried so hard to put everyone first and to be a good ******* person
As a daughter, who has rarely felt anything less than your cold shoulder has wanted nothing more than your love and affection, all I had asked for was your nurturing attention and all I got was an angry mother yelling at me asking why I even came home last night through a door that you told me to close.
Swollen eyes told me that your words burn hotter than my Pall Malls as they both sit in the pit of my chest
My hunger pangs remind me that my mother doesn't think I'm beautiful in my size 13 jeans but would look much, much better in a size 8
I have always been so afraid to make you sad but now I realize that you won't ever be happy
you will never be content with me nor yourself
nothing I do will ever be good enough for your high set standards and all I was doing was looking into an empty pit of false hope that one day you'd be a good mother
and I sit, and I think about all the **** you put me through
and with each drag of my cigarette I grow to not give a **** what you think, but one day i hope you can find peace with at least yourself
because when you need someone to sympathize over your petty life
I WILL NOT BE THERE
You call it selfish,
I call it returning the ******* favor.
I've got gnarly bruises,
that come from angry nights and drunken prophecies,
I've got raindrop tears,
that fall like meteors on my bed sheets,
I'm itching to get out of this place,
with instilling fear and a question my body can't let go of,
what if I cannot find where I belong,
like a stray dog wandering the streets at 2 am?
I am nothing but a fool in love with apprehension,
it's a love/hate relationship with myself.
I catch my thoughts as they fly away,
trying to find a vessel with feelings to fall in love with.
Even I get sick of my thoughts,
they're filled with old memories and home wreckers
You're a wallflower
Let your brittle petals
Fly through wind and rain
As if you actually know what its like to love you,
Dealing with mind bending headaches
That only seem to scrape at the sides of my temples like broken glass in my fingertips
I catch myself playing sappy love songs to try to soothe my broken heart
But don't worry I understand you didn't mean to hurt me,
With all those late night phone calls of you
Serenading sweet words of your ignorance
You tell me, that you love me
I wouldn't dare to tell you that I stay up --- all hours of the night
Pondering the gritty words you said before you kissed me
You tasted like sandcastles and night stars
As if you were my daydream
As if you actually knew what it meant to cry 10,000 5 am tears,
set aside just to greet your face at 7
because you don't know I'm quickly cracking like elephants on eggshells
As if you know how to love a women like a straight man,
your hands caress my arms like how the sunset kisses the horizon or
Almost how the stars melt into the atmosphere
You are my atmosphere I breathe you in like oxygen
But you've become poisonous,
what used to be my lifeline is now my deathbed
you're no good for me
Because you don't look at me the same way you look at him
with your big brown eyes as deep as the milky way
Your laugh as loud as meteors
You never cease to amaze me
Yet you still tell me you want to hold me in your castle arms,
You say that you want to hold down my fortress
You say you want to be my knight in shining armor
but I know you'd rather carry the weight of him instead of me
Constellations grapple to the under belly of your lies
The moon has whispered in my ear once again
that you are no good for me
But I don't think that you understand
I know you don't understand
Please, why can't you understand
We are no good for each other
Because while you're above the clouds,
Way past the heavens,
I have my feet firmly planted in reality.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
His lungs expanded with the warm and toxic fumes
Carcinogens work there magic as they sit like burning coals
Preparing the most horrid of scenarios,
Tempting fate with each cigarette he hangs out of the corner of his mouth
Ash in the air fluttering like butterflies that we used to see on the days you felt well enough to go outside
I remember sitting on the couch and you held up a stone
You said "Emily, this stone is going to heal me one day."
But I could see it in your tired eyes that your spirit was breaking
It's a disease, manipulative and painful
Traveling through the veins of innocent people
Wandering through the genes of many
My ears shutter at the word
Cause facing the reality that you aren't here anymore is painful enough
I can't imagine drowning in radiation and pain killers
Seeing my family cry raindrops is not a preferred activity