Motto: „ they are all elsewhere/ examining things/ in new bedrooms/” – Charles Bukowski – Praying for rainy days

**** Bukowski
thinks that’s a supraestimated fake
for townsends of years
„ harder than The Riots of Watts”
and it’s not about *****

it’s too precoius and delicate
and it’s not about women
'couse the women *** with roses
or with the spine-birds
and still gets payed on the job

it’s all about poetry
it’s about that funny slaughterhouse
in wich we kick eachothers stupide ***
like some real lovers
and then we rearange our underwear
or what’s left of it

it’s all about  a load of **** good to be throwned at the garbage
'couse – don't mention it – there is nothing heroical
and every ****** thing is a makeup
there is just a mouse shiverring in a corner
two ugly frogs are hugging all what is left of the sun
and above all
the monkey is trying hard to improvise a tired smile

**** Bukowski
I don't know a living soul with such a perseveration
to ****-up his poems
like his money on horse-races
like his fat’n’ugly mexican ******
and still somehow to become his own hero
insane like this
born into this
and becouse he had lived to much like a dog

alone with the whole world
with it’s ******* **** beauty
in wich actualy nobudy finds his mate

in wich everything it’s just a canibalistic clown
and a childish cry
almoust painfully dead
from his own laughter

he ran away from his unborn child,he thought in his mind he was too young to raise a young child,couse he also was a child.
All he wanted was to be free,young and wild.
As he took two steps back he felt relief,then he believed he could leave,so he left with his believe.

Runing away was like runing to jail he knew not.
Planing to go in drunkiness and in revery that two he knew not.

The mind kept spreading more lies to the morning  bread he eated,he was just too weak so his heart was defeated.The unborn child forgotten.The weeping girl weeped and whipe hear tears,but his memory remaind,a picture of him that can never be ereased,that each and every thought of the child evoked the unbearable feelings,the bast of fury flames touring her mind,shouts encrepted in the her heart,on the bed twisting n turning,wakin and sleeping but still she found no rest,internaly bleeding,emotional abused by his pictures

then she thought
thought that abortion might be the solution to the situation that she is in.

She rose from the waters

Of couse she was wet

Her hair mingled in moss

rigor mortis ? not yet !

I stood for cautious

My heart cried out in fear

FOOL ! don't go any closer

This is certainly most weird

She left watery footsteps

As she ascended the hill

To the abandon cemetery

Where all rested so still

There on a knoll

She spread out a cover

Sat down and awaited her lover

A screech by a cat

A hoot of the owl

And in the air

A stench so evil and foul

She rose to her feet

As he appeared in the gloom

They embraced

By the light of the moon

His eyes were live coals

His breath sulphur hot

His clothes were impeccable

His skin dried and taut

Together they sat

But there was nary a word

When he bent over and kissed her

There was a sizzling heard

He stripped her bare

of her watery rags

And they made unholy love

It sure made me gag

The clouds in the sky

How quickly they flew

The moon was so embarrassed  

That he turned blackest of blue

Hurting by the ocean waves
  sand with blood, we all
learn to behave, when our
  curtains catch no light,
and do not prevent the
  squashing night
to give my child to another
  and to abort a fetus, who
is or was his brother,
  depending whom you ask,
of couse I wouldn't know,
  so I numb with clothes,
money, and blow.

disease set up a limits,
all over crossing lines,
shark darkness pushing spirits,
forbid the Future bright,

when sources dried up cleaned,
when finish seemed arrived,
and body doesnt listen,
an orders stretching mind,

have lived ones life already?
have lived ones world they say?
all bettings leaving steady,
ones boat drown away?

this all regrets and sorrows -
will follow for the fate,
but yesterday, tomorrow,
all over Futures days -

fight back, combat an illness,
show up Your shining light,

couse constancy existence -
rulls only sleepers kind.

What I write may sound deep
But it's real life
What I write may be critiqued
But it's real life
What pushes me to do this
What motivates me to do this
Pain did

Without pain, I wouldn't be here
Without pain, I wouldn't bother
Even writing this stanza
Yet writing this takes the pain away from me
Yet it comes back to haunt me
They ask me "how do you know what real life is?"
Pain is how I know what real life
Revealed the entirety to me
I didn't live a life of candy and cakes
I live a life of failure and mistakes

Yet I am still here
Telling you how I am able to do this
How I am able to write this
Pain gave me this
And don't say you never felt pain
Couse without pain there is no real life
Yet there is a road of joy and happiness
The most of us find
I am still searching for mine
Yet pain never dies


Still, carry on
Even if I have nothing holding on
Pain showed me
And it will show you
A taste of reality
Pain guided me
Will it guide you?

If reading is dying--
of couse it's--
then, what's thriving?

My storm
A gentle breeze a gentile Wisper
Only to turn in to a storm my love you are my storm
The wind took my heart away. The Tidal wave of love that washed over me
The lightning that flashed and filled my life with new light new hope
My storm my storm you are my storm that rattles my world and shakes my foundation only to wonder will the lightning strike my heart and Couse it to shatter

Got a little goblin just the other day
to remind that there's no reason not to smile
Got a little pocket sun to shine on my days
and to warm me when winter comes

I painted my head in green just the other night
now I have smile instead of tears
I made myself a little deal
that will drive away my fears

every time clouds are grey, but rain don't fall
piece of my goblin dies
and my goblin cries and I cry with him
'couse rain might be a lie

Why
Why do I do this
I new this
Would hurt
But the fact is I did this
What's my problem
I need a fix
Or else I won't solve em
I need to change this
Take this, break this and bring this
To places where it needs to be
Like in dark cages

I can make it
But the fact is it plays with
Me
My demons
Favors me
Telling me who I am
And what not to be
But wait
It's up to me
So get out of my face
Don't touch me
I am the one the runs me
So get out of here
You dummies

I will not rest
Until I break this cycle
Of my demons giving me the title
Of what they say
No, it's what I say
My life is my cave
It's my haze
So get out of my maze
Couse, it's what I create
Not Yours
Stick to it
But if I worry
I'll lose it

But I figured out why others follow me
Why they look up to me
My writes are a step above the sea
They see it
Now they're proud of me
See it or not
I'm just teaching a lesson
To those who live in the dark places
Of Condemsion

This was a session
to help me but
If this helped you
I gladly thank you
For you understanding this message
Couse this gave me redemption
I actually thank my demons
Without them
I couldn't write this message
But I am sure
They are out of my expansion
I correct the incorrection
They did
I am free
So I live
In Peace

I'm Home

see how you do
while im not around
couse baby i know
that im your fuel tank

its funny to me
to see you this way
because you thought
you were better off
oh id say

Who am i tell me who i am , i cant couse who stays and leaves, ever person i take into my life, takes a bit of my sanity when they leave, slowly as parts of me are taken, i fall apart, those who support me leave, as if i were nothing, because they see im weak, im NOT strong in any way, the only thing i have is a cloud of Depression

Let's do this
In the zone again
Coming home again
To visit my paradise
That I cope within
Sometimes I sleep with them
The dreams from them
It's beautiful
Lively
No what else is
Family

They love me
For every ounce
They hug me
Tells me
They see my pages
They feel me
It's a brilliant feeling
I hold them
Never let go of them
Couse, it's all I got
It's a once in a lifetime
So take it
Cherish it
Love it like you never did
Take it in, Cradle it
Want to know why
Listen in

They will always be there for you '
Take you, bandage you
Find you, feed you
The ones that see you
of who you are
They accept you
No matter what you are
Darkest of nights
Make the brightest of stars
We are the stars
light the night where ever you are
You're never lost
My family is a Northstar

Yet
We can't miss the thunderstorm
It's hard to hold on
And sometimes
The lights gone
But with family
A new light
A new dawn
Yet the storm will carry on
But we can mend it
bend it and push it to the side
And we say "Heaven where alive"

Well now
This is what I can say now
It's up to you
Take it as you will now
Because some they don't know how
Going around
Telling people "there not loved now go" now
It sickens me
takes me to places I don't want to be
Evolves me into something I don't wanna be
It Put's me in a place where nobody is
Then I remembered when no one cared
When no one was there
Hearing the voices in my head like
You ain't going nowhere

I almost lost it
Sorry
Just trying to get my point across
That when your life is very thin
Family is everything
I'm not saying this so you can feel me
It's something real to me
Listen I used to cry cause no one was there for me
Now I got my family every day saying "They'll always feel for me"
This write is healing me
Hope it heals you
Just never let people distract you
from doing you

Hope you see it

Save us once
Save us twice
Save us again and tell the lies
Couse only once in your life
You'll have this shot
To do something right
For me and for all of us
Save us from evil
Save us from the hell
Save us from everything
And tell us why do you care
Save us now
Save us for good
Save everybody in the crew
And be who can't you save

Social media
A place that we can stray away from reality
Our own place
And enjoy our lovely fan base
With positivity
With love no misery
But the other side
it concerns me


When you loved by your community
It soothes you
Known that you are loved by others
Some moves you
To keep going, don't stop
It's a lot to take in
So much that if you lose it
You lose you
When the love is gone
Nothing you can do but lose


It's not true
Social media can change you
Messes with your mental
And then you lack potential
To keep going
Knowing that your boat is sinking
You can't swim
Knowing you can end up drowning
But without your fanbase
You cant be saved
Knowing that you made it sink
So you cave in


You're stuck stranded in the ocean
No one to save you
You think the blame is on you
It's not
social media changed you
You feel the world is better off without you
Couse social media fed you that


Then you let the boat sink
end it all
Drowning
To never resurface
This write is for someone who Drowned
And unable to resurface
Who is it for, Check the news
The bluebirds are chirping in melancholy
They should have a clue

This is also a message
That Drowning is far from the truth
You have people  who care for you
Get help
Who can help you
Yet so many fake faces out here
You don't want to
The world was never better off without you
we love you

I'm Dedicated
The Definition of Dedication
Wrote this whole page while I was levitating
Sit in my room with the pen and paper
I'm innovative
They have been afraid of me since I was a second-grader
I'm a kid on the playground mom told you to never play with
There are levels of writing and I'm on the elevator
Going up to the top floor look at how we elevated
Wait you don't know our kind now? better get educated


Take both of my arms to rip them out of my sockets and separate them
Forgive me, I know I get animated
But I still save lives every single day without a hesitation
Never been more motivated
Just look at all the minds I have opened and penetrated
I am the voice for the people that think things but never say them
That's why they come to me with courage far better than the wicked
Were carrying weapons


Put the controllers away its game over
I promise I'm way colder
My people keep saying that they're hungry for new inspiration
Pretty convenient I just made a plate for them
But this world needs a makeover
If you've been waiting, The wait's over
You're about to witness a takeover  
I'm home

Now they're waiting for me to match that
The emotion and power I had in the last one
But If I don't then they will say I'm losing my passion
But If I do am I repeating my actions
Yeah look at "The Search" is massive
Ain't no way I can match that
My biggest fear of writing this page is not writing trash
It's disappointing myself and my family


See I want you to picture me
I'm in my room writing
Crying on the floor in the bathroom
In the mirror my room handshaking
Reading "Leave me alone" On my computer screen
Figuring out if I will always feel the way that I feel
Or maybe I can learn to be happy
Or maybe I can't be
Couse If I'm not strong enough are they gonna call me a has-been


Pain has always been the root of my strength
If I cut it off how am I supposed to keep growing
If I let it go won't my whole way be ruined
Then I realized this whole conversation is stupid
Never cared to impress people that don't even know me
I just write what I feel, somehow I started a movement
Trying to enjoy my life but I don't know how to do it
Wasting all of my time being afraid I'm gonna lose it


But then I figured out the reason they follow me
The reason why my family surrounds me
It's not because I'm a god I don't need you to bow to me
All they ever did was doubted me now everyone is proud of me
acknowledge or not
You're not ignoring or following
I'm just teaching them something they can't learn in their colleges
This is for the ones who live in every single day in their lives
Feels like it's darker than Halloween


You're not alone out there
Look around you we have a lot of family in here
Couple a hundred thousand is what I did last year
Read "The Dark Inside Me" trying to **** my fear
They'll get that in a minute
I am a savage I admit it
A lot of baggage I live it
That's why my passion is flooding
Really don't care if they get it
Were only three pages in it
This is just the beginning
We are Home


Isaiah & Aiden Real Life

All ready dead an controlled
Piece by piece
I'm drowning in ur tears
Couse
U are there

Is my life worth it
That question stings me
it pains me
It's hard to cope
When no one is behind you
To say hey I got you
I don't have that
instead, I got the ones that stab you in the back
and watch you bleed
and laugh like it's funny

I wonder
How my life become the drug of hate
Hate that's hard to erase
It takes a toll upon me
So I created an isolated place
In my mind
Now you wanna open up the doors
well my doors not
Open it for what, so you can hurt me?
And blame me that you left me?
You should stop watching me
Couse, I won't open
See I chose this
But I'm not safe in there
Misery lives in here

I regret it, I let him in
I open up my doors so he could leave
But he never did
He's to settled in
My mind
Plays like he's kind
He's the kind that isolated me
Became a knife and stabbed me
All over my body until I can't move
My body bleeds like a faucet on high
I lie here lifeless

Put's me in place to either lie here
Let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from
So I can win
But for you to do that
You have to open the doors
Now the misery is talking
I don't know what to do anymore

What does it takes to understand a man
I ask myself that
Cause I am that
Matter of fact
A man who has lost days
and use pages to break away
From those days
I am glad i stayed among the living

Living in peace
But some doesn't
some living in the streets
Begging for loose change
On streets
Or those who lose everyone they meet
Cause of mental stabilities
It's crazy
Then they get judged
Some treat them like felonies
Or tell them they will never be
Perfect
I'm the voice that when people think things
They never say them
Their lifting weights
Let me weigh them
Cause they need a savior
So I'll save them

You want to head for a perfect life
To suffice your needs
see sights you wanna see
Understand me
I do to
But were human
Failure exists
now you say you never did
Admit it
You're scared to show your insecurities
To Sit down
And take off your crown
And say I fell down
Kings can't rule without his city village and towns
Real Kings made it
You imagined it
Come on now
Fear is an emotion
But you see it as false emotion
I see it as a potion
That grants me
To Push whatever stands in front of me

Before I can make a potion
Had to craft it
Imperfection gave me the material
To master the minerals
I learn that
but you never did
Perfection mangles you
Imperfection embraces you
But you never embraced it
Have you

You have no Idea what perfection is
Until you embrace the imperfection you live
Learn from it
Work it
into a better you
Perfection tells you who you are
Imperfection is what are
what we all are
They say never judge a man
Until you walk a mile in his shoes
Couse Imperfection made his shoes
Now he's bigger than you
Bigger then you will ever be
Since your "Perfect"
You'll never be
The truth is
Perfection
Is a fallacy

Souls are like butterflies,
demand burned in fire.
They fly, fly, and fly.

Dry leaves fall,
seasons slowly change,
dark branches are alone.

And I can't make you stay -
tell me why you don't stay.
Do you think my heart hurt?
Do you think I am in your cult?

Birds are in the sky,
and you are making me cry.
Am I wasting my precious time?
What could be mine?

Darkness is everywhere,
but your window is light.
Was I too selfish -
that I must be punished.

Tell me you hate me,
so I can turn to the dark.
Couse, I am a loser -
who deserve to die.

Why do I see blood,
when I am next to you?
Tell me you despise me
so that I can hate you.

Why can't I make you stay -
tell me why you don't stay.
Do you think my heart hurt?
Do you think I am in your cult?

Snow will come,
changing the time.
I will hate you,
everything will become true.

Butterflies are like sparks,
the black night stars.

Excuse me I'm not the ...
Couse I'm ...
I never thought I ...
It's not what ...
Maybe if you ...
Nevermind.
.

Where does my life end
I ask myself
What a question no one would ask themselves
Well there not me
And they will never see me
If you did you would notice my bleeding heart on my shirt
it hurts when I speak of it
Blinds me when I see it


You have no interest in me
Then hit the road
Couse, I'm kind of twisted
so keep your distance be a ghost
My race is twisted
But I'm the realist you ain't know
Then I'm offended
Let's bring back the shadows here we go

I went from nobody to kind of noticed
Hide my mind inside my closet I just can't explain it
My wife tells that she's concerned and think that I should tame'em
But I just leave them right beside me next to my self-hatred
They ask what's my mind
What's my mind about
Bloodlust hunting me
What does that mean, well gather round
That means when it comes to me controlling it is limited
limitless then I lose it then I become the deadliest
You don't get
Let's move on to something else
Fine

I'm in the wind they don't even know it
I come undercover yet don't know where I'm going
But when I enter the room you would think it is snowing
But I have a coat for difficult moments
Yet I'm under the weather but no helps me so I

Hold up my balloons don't show my face
Keep weighing  on me every day
If I let them go then I'll be more Afraid
Gives all I can do but they remain the same
So I loosen my grip they say it's not okay  

quiet QUIET QUIET QUIET LEAVE ME ALONE

I hate when they debate that we are desolated
were so overlooked that there looking over our life Isaiah
We don't do enough interviews to go out in public lately
We don't connect on hours socials to keep the buzz from fading

Let it fade
once it's decimated
Then you save a life out of nowhere and all my poeple embrace
Then the praise will surface again its part of my operation
I don't need advice from my doubts right now
end of conversation

Shut your mouth better tone it down
Or I'm  gonna change your dial
Now they say the kid is quiet
But pretty wild
True

Always asleep cause the world is a disorder
I have to better to fix my order
I go to my room and stare at my corner
And speak to me in a language that foreign
The only one who understands he's the greatest
I want to be him so when I think about myself I hate it
Then question my life why am I here again
I Hate to be different But hate to be normal so I

Hold up my balloons don't show my face
Keep weighing  on me every day
If I let them go then I'll be more Afraid
Gives all I can do but they remain the same
So I loosen my grip they say it's not okay  

Leave me alone leave me alone
Leave me alone leave me alone
Leave me alone leave me alone
Leave me alone leave me alone

LEAVE ME ALONE

Gen. 3:9 "And the Lord God called unto Adam and said, "Where
ae\rt thou?"  
Where are you, Adam? Where are you hiding? (JH Para.)

Did God really not know where Adam & Eve were? Where
they were hiding?

Of course He did. He is God and knows all things. In theological
laguage, God is omniscient, there is nothing or no one He does not know.

When Cain killed his brother Abel, God ask him "Where is thy brother Abel? What hast thou done?"

Again, did God not know the whereabouts of Abel? Did God not know that Cain had killed him and buried him in the ground?
Of couse He did, just like He knew where Elijah was hiding and the
exact cave he was in (I Kng. 19: 13) and several other illustrations
showing that you can not play Hide and Seek with God.

Dear reader, God knows all about you; where you are, what you are doing, with whom you are hanging out, what plans you are making.
and God know all about the trials and set-backs anddisappoinments
in your life; He not only knows all about them, He also cares for you

My Sunshine wrote a little chores based on I Pet. 5:7 "Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares foryou." She wrote,"Cast all your care upon Him, cast all your cares upon Him; for He cares for you in everything you do, so cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."  
               From Jerry Howath's Book of Devotions

i tap the block of ice to hope for a reply
to dread that you are inside

&

not by the fire thawing or in a warm bed

will

an icicle from your nose
drip down your pyjamas
traditional with stripes

in the holiday cottage
there are floral duvet covers
with frilled edges in abundance

i ask who is staying there, she says
contractors. i imagine them in fancy
flannel nighties and smile widely

of couse this is not true, just a thought
which stayed some time and folk
wondered at my happy countenance
not knowing i made it all myself

not so cold here and while the mill day
ends with fiddling locks in the black &
up over the mountains darkly, i find
that the next times we are let go early

then january break
to ponder our next move

while watching

here in my house we will
remain personally european.

neatly.