Me and Jagged Teeth usually dont take this path, but , it was an unusually hot day.
The shadows from the trees grew thick expelling most of the heat
She always had badluck , tripping on her own shoelaces , getting caught in every mischeveaous
act and even biting her own tongue as she spoke. there was a day unlike this one where she claimed dominion over
the forest we walked, only for  her to fall face flat from her throne , a trunk cleaved by lightning it seems,
and chipping her tooth on a very vicious rock.
forever since that day i've called her Jagged Teeth
"there it is" she spoke pointing towards the middle of the path.
A large filter of light from the sky fell upon the center ,
the sun seemed to have chosen this one spot where it would torture the wood.
"this is where the heart is"
she whispered. "they say if you make a wish here in the sunlight..."
"Who cares!!!" I yelled. It was beutiful enough without all of her fairy tales.
Never had i seen nature at peace with itself in such a way... No sound would echo
through except the chirping from the crickets and the buzzing from the gnats.
They did not swarm here or attack...Nature was at peace with herself.
"You dont belive me?" Jagged remarked
obviously not, i thought to myself . "How would she know"
"I'll show you then"
over where a patch of
flowers were swaying in the breeze she stumbled over a vine,
turning, to me and giggling at herself,
peculiar enough the flowers were taller than us
She moved them aside crawling on the soft
bed laden with petals and worms and other beuteous things.
She swept away some soil and dug her hand underneath  
and up she pulled a small white daisy, roots and all...She looked me in the eye
"Quick!, Before it dies"!!!
She bolts back out of the thicket of flowers i
stayed confused at how she knew so much about this,
from the corner of my eye , where she picked her treasue
a small snakes head rose up from the soil...
"Hurry" she exclaimed  i ran to her. "There was a-"
"SHH!"
Just watch!
slowly she walks to the heart of this  Oasis and holds the flower at eye level. Slowly picking each petal one after the other ...
"so what " I thought but then, the petals flitted in the wind like a tornado was around them and each white petal
burst with color into butterflies one red, one green, one blue, one yellow , one black and one white
They flew around us growing larger and larger until they burst into hundreds,
flew up into the sunlight and exploded into petals each a color of those butterflies
I could only smile. Magic before my eyes and Jagged was the one to show me.
"How did you know of this place, Jagged?"
she skipped towards me and smiled. " I saw it in my dreams." She explained "BUt hurry before the sun goes down!!!!" "Make your wish!!"
Excited i ran towards the flowers taller than my head. Leaping i fell on the bed to my knees and reached deep through
the soil of this hallowed ground. I felt the emptiness
of this space and reached deeper my hand grazed something soft and i grabbed and pulled it out
A low hiss and a stinging sensation was on my hand. "Benjamin!!!" cried Jagged
but before i could turn to her i fell darkness came over me like a thick shadow...
As Benjamin fell Jagged caught him in her arms he convulses and shivers.
"Help!" She Cried and begged and pleaded
"Help, I dont want him to-"
"Die?" muttered a soft deep voice
"N-No...I do'nt...Where are you??"
"Beneath you." It hissed and from below the snake transformed into a figure reminiscent of a human in a dark robe it dressed and spoke softly,confidently and quietly.
"What did you think the price of the young life you took was?"
"Young life?" she queried. "The Daisy...But i didnt know!!"
"NO ONE EVER KNOWS!! They Come and mutilate and ravage this land like savages and expect no retribution!!" He booms causing the infinite chirp of the crickets to cease, the sun to sink lower and the flowers wither deep into their bed.
Jagged Teeth cowered before it crying and sobbing silently , gripping Ben tighter.
"But I'm sorry..."
"Sorry will NOT bring back the life you took selfishly ,Child...Now leave him here, the poison in his veins will soon end him leaving  him to become part of the Oasis..."
"No!!!"she cried
"YES!"Declared the spectre
"Now leave this place, and the LIFE that is the cost..."
"Take me instead!" She begged
I've already done this deed little one. I cannot reverse this..."
"You lie!.." she retorted "If this wood can grant wishes I'm sure you could..."
The shadow leaned towards her Smiling widely, grimacing its teeth blindingly white but eye deep and black.
"You would give your life for his and the little sprite you took?"
She kisses benjamin on the forehead and lays him gently on the bed of the forest.
Standing sloely looking it boldy in the eyes;
"Yes..."
"FINE!" it hissed
Spininning the spectre turns bright white  and consumes Jagged Teeth...
*
"B e n j a m i n..."
I turn to see Jagged standing in the middle of the Oasis.
"J a g g e d!" I yelled runningtowards her.
I see behind her a figure ghastly grinning with darkened features...
I reach out towards  her and so does she.
The ground, thick like mud slowing me with every step. On my arm is a grasp cold and sharp. The figure is clutching
my wrist behind me but i keep running, the closer we get more of the spectres appear...closer and closer...until everything is black. The spectres ooze black liquid and i scratch to reach above them. I see Jaggeds limp hand and before i can clasp it in mine we are swept away by the black mass of the river...
"Jagged Teeth!"
I lurch forward and scream.
The room i awake in is white and a loud beep is blipping in and out. The door slams open
"Ben, Sweety its ok it was just a bad dream!"
"Where is  she mom, Where is Jagged!"
"Honey, Who?" she replied
My heart sinks into my chest and my head into her *****...
-
Behind her she closes the door. She did her best to calm him but he still seemed restless,distant even.
What was this Jagged toothed monster that haunted his dreams?
She motions herself around the corner and she sees through the window where her son is resting. The doctor is standing there looking confused with his charts mumbling about anomalies and other inconsistent data.

"Will he be ok?" asked bens mother
"Yes, But he seems rather Dillusional.."remarks the physician
"Its an act of God that we found him in time, the poison he was subjected to was more than three times the fatal dose...."
Bens mother clasps her purse and reaches into it to pull out a cigarette.
"Thank you doctor..."
She lights her cigarette and inhals the white fumes.
"When can we go home?"
"Well lets run a few more tests, I want to make sure he is ok, Physicallly and Emotionally."
"I understand.." She exhales violently
"Where was he found if you dont mind me asking...?"
"He was outside of the Forest, Hell i didnt know he was the adventuroud type...Hell inever even Knew that place existed until now..."
She drags one last time on her cigarette before ashing it in her hand
"Looks like he's been through hell."

The snowy lilies gird her pith - in wake;
bejewelled love reposed in truest sleep
as Floras' wreath outdone by sorrow's make,
then thought; what comfort worth are stems - to weep?

Could petals glint upon her sombre plume
and sorb bereaving rain - of mourning kin,
or priestly Latin's timbre out of gloom
and Schuberts' toned refrain - a lighter hymn.

Although, a striking; flowered plush pervades
as fragrance spliced with copal - yields in heart
and over each an ashing pyre cascades,
begotten times and seasons - death not part.

Embraced the blossoms, now upon her lay;
a sweeten lilly - kissed by loves defray.

The bodied lilly fires in ashing haze
and from her amber embers I devolve,
into a weeping candle - churning maize;
an orb at night, alight to my absolve.

Remorse suffused with jasmine glazes woe
as moonlight trailings battle hue my grief
for left no infant child to mirror so -
my lover's petals, ceasing lines of leaf.

Nor have, I flare to scribe a marbled ode
that could so hymn or bear my love that shared
nor stone as cold as grey, be just; that owed
the flaming satin, fate had not so spared.

Then let this writ incense - her newly form
until my vigil dims; to death's reform.

i tried to eat my whole heart raw once.


but i could not stomach it. could not stomach the noxious ventricles down my throat, could not swallow the bollus of unfleshly pink carnage.
so i broke it into pieces and i blamed you instead, because it seemed easier to say you broke me than to say that i ever loved you.


i.

this is how you broke me :

whenever i thought of you ******* her i would think of dying inside.


dying is a blessing.

dying is the movie that i am too young to watch but too old to resist. dying is divinity, it is paradisical death in slow motion, an entity mushrooming in between the eyes of a decaying rabbit. it is tears being ****** back into the eyes of a small girl, legs apart, ***** ripped, the fruitlessness of futility bleeding out like saliva from a mouth. dying is being idle, dying is being able to think without questioning existence, dying is a moth, paled by smoke.


it is that tuesday night i promised myself i would never write again
if all i wrote was about you.



ii.


this is how i broke myself :

whenever i thought of you dying inside her, i would think of *******.


******* is a blessing.  


******* is the reason an orchid can sing without a stigma. ******* is the malformation of your tongue when you say " i hate myself, because i hate you, but i hate you more. ". ******* is about three blocks away from love. ******* and love are probably secret **** buddies. ******* is saying you love her. ******* is saying you love me. ******* is that heart-shaped bruise that you left on my wrist, that tuesday night you ***** me and called it love. ******* is telling me i am not her.



this disposition of 'her', the realisation she plays a better 'her', than i play 'her', the realisation that she stole 'her' from me, when'her' was a dream both of us  could hope to fake.



iii.


why people are kept broken:

you once told me, while ashing out a cigarette on my neck,
*"it is better to stay broken so nothing else can ever break you again."

I drive all day
I drive all night
I drive to pray
I drive to fight
I drive
To survive
I drive
To thrive
I drive
Through lies
To criticize
**** eating flies
To minimize
My nocturnal cries

I drive until my hands bleed
No time to road sign read
I must satisfy my movement greed
Until I gain a glorious lead
And I may finally be envied

I drive all day
I drive all night
I drive through rain
To see the light
I drive through blame
To see who's right
I try to stay in my lane
But traffic is tight
I hear a car horn refrain
That's this road's blight

I drive until I hallucinate
But these visions are great
Much better than my fate
And as the hour gets late
The visions determine my state

I drive all day
I drive all night
I drive into clay
Once I lose sight
My car tires
Wrapped in barbed wire
Engine on fire
Like a funeral pyre
The ride has become shaky
From all the bumps I'm taking
In this massive bet I'm staking
That I'll brake before breaking

I drive until I fall asleep
Drifting down this pavement creek
But instead of crashing
Like a cigarette ashing
I fade away without a sound
Into the blacktop ground
And realize I love my car
After we traveled so far
But this revelation comes too late
As I approach heaven's toll gate

I see it, just beyond the horizon
*slipping, forcing its way through
the cracks... I hear it snap in two
in a wicked memory
to dream of you

something in my eyes
a seamless beacon of wanting"
so inviting and haunting
as I lay sleeping and dreaming
you seep in, penetrating flesh
into ink filled veins
piercing my mind
welcomed and unkind
you are coming to me again..

Through darkened tearfilled clouds
not going to go unnoticed
or easily forgotten
breaking my heart
in a flash of white lightning
snapping like a whip
cracking in the deep
waking me...
from wishing silent sleep

alone and trembling,
heightening my awareness
striking in anger
and jealousy
igniting dormant flames
heating up the air
and catching my breath
taking it so carelessly
in your reckless abandon
whispering of my despair
in the rush of fading tires
lonely moving & telling liars
engulfing me in the heated fires
ashing memories of you just yesterday

I hear the squealing brakes
looking past the road we didn't take
desperately seeking souls
you take another way
I am left blinded

A secret wishing heart
like a flickering candle the wind
a glowing secret sin
snuffed out too soon
gone just lingering a minute
relishing, savoring
the waifing scent of sweat
the everlasting glow
as it is choking out the air
from all we know
suffocating and unliberated
repressing feelings
I wait for death again

We try and stay within the dark
putting out even the smallest spark
awakening and awaiting the night
we are standing in the shadows
in the cold of the morning
and the calling of the crow
I see it is time for you to go
  I stand and stare at you in wonder

Turning my face and my other cheek
against the licking, dancing flames
and turn my eyes against the ticking, quickening passing hands of time
we tell them again, again
in impassioned rhymes
feeling the beat of the music
soothing and moving
we rail and wail against the power
as we pluck another flower
strumming my guitar
far away
I am  fighting to save us

I've kissed your lips a thousand times
relived this dream within my mind
and even when my eyes are blind
I see you when I close my eyes
a time off lonely sad goodbyes
I sigh in the bittersweetness

I see your hand caressing, caressing ...
me with your with eyes..
my frame, *******
and I, of you...
I too undo
I am obsessing

Remember in sweet September
your soft calloused hands
a lovely place for me to land
that yummy sound I hear you make
almost more than I could take
wishing me that you could
secretly wish you never would
I reach for your embrace

Take me with you when you go
your heated breath against my neck
whisper gently nibbling my ear
release me in a secret fear
to be without you here
so come a little closer my baby

"The heart watches as the brain burns"
playing on your radio
I feel it burning it down again
changing the seasons
and stations of our life
to cold for angels to fly
wishing you didn't  say goodbye
like a grateful waiting timeless stone
my heart's put upon a throne
so glad you made it safely  home
etched forever
in a flawless beautiful Bethel grey
with a memory inside of us each day
"when my eyes finally close in death"

I leave a loving
heart-shaped
granite, locket
framed by Rolling Green Mountains
immortalized like a Rock of Ages
forever awaiting...
...your return.

Cherie Nolan© 2016

I will not hide despite the cameras in the sky, nor will i fear the satellites or Internet spies, and i will fight, and i will fight, as to not comply to the lies that co-hearse the norm, into standing idly by, in malformed, and twisted histories, twisting history, into a pearled vision of ministries giving eulogy, to enemies of the light, using light to blind the masses, before the flashes of infertility begin emanating from the cities, under the unity of, We The People, turned predator, under better sedatives that are better delivered, straight to the dream, or belief, of, or in anything.

Dare to dream, turn a blind eye to everything, or just something else, assigned children, or stolen wealth, while warmly held, in foggy hostilities, of those you rarely see, while soldiers of the peace, protect the streets, with covered faces, and powder burned fingers, lingering just out of reach, from the stones that burn the armored cars SAWing through the crowds, with the pulsing sound, of a million hell hounds, hell bound, machine gunning the bodies on the ground, for the pale riders, feeding on the dark horse, on course for a four course meal, leaving hopeless poses, of crying corpses, ashing in the wind of their trail.

Its our blood of defeat that lines the streets with the feed for the beast, as well as that same blood that feeds our victory, as we shall be exactly on time for the end, and the beginning.

"just think of  all the things
that the whales and dolphins could teach us"
     she says
ashing her cigarette
with a cheeky grin

happy mother's day

pizza and beer and tequilla
and all that i can think
     is how proud it makes me
to know that she's the home i came from

Lightning lashes
At the night sky,
Splitting clouds
Over this unholy
City of ancient gods,
And I peer at the
Ashing remains
Of civilisation
Once mighty,
Now can be
Summed up
In a yelp
And a
Groan.

(A) gloomy night with the rain falling on my
(B)ack, yet you're not here, you're never here. Please, just get in your
(C)ar. Come to my place, meet me at the
(D)iner where we first met. Turns out, it's
(E)xactly how we left it. And that's not even
(F)air, because we aren't how we used to be when we first
(G)ot here. We're different now, we drifted and you no longer love me and it feels like
(H)ell. Because I still love you. I always loved you. You were always my one and
(I) loved you. But that's the past, and now I'm
(J)ust a figment of your imagination- who the hell have I been
(K)idding? I was just a passing thought, the
(L)ittle rain droplet on the window that you follow, but,
(M)arvelously,
(N)ever remember.
(O)h lover, come to my place. I can make you your favorite kind of
(P)ancakes. I still remember how you
(Q)uestioned if I was ever really alive. I suppose you have your answer now.
(R)un, run far away because you're over me, but I still remember your middle name.
(T)ucker, your middle name was tucker and your first name was as
(U)nique and beautiful as you are. Do you remember how I would kiss your freckles? You'd get embarrassed, but that was my favorite kind of
(V)ernacular. Your cute, embarrassed language was so enticing, and I longed to hear you speak. The rain is falling on my back, and you're not here. That's probably a good thing. The rain is falling and its
(W)ashing away what remains of you from my
(X)enophobic skin. You're washing away and I'm so glad it finally happened.
(Y)ou're gone, you're ******* gone. You've been gone for a while now, you left a while ago, but it was me, who refused to let go of something so disgusting and yet somehow still amazing. You're gone now. You're gone, and I finally feel completely,
(Z)aftig.

this all could have been mine
geometric shape wallpaper
and dashes, dots on my sheets
mom making my bed
smoking non-filtereds
and staring in the direction of
old globes and stuffed squirrels
posters of campuses i should i have attended

shirt no pants
no shirts
scribbling something partially worth reading
legs crossed
listening to that song for the fiftieth time
ashing on the floor
waiting by the phone for you and only you

but this isnt home
i didnt grow up here
i slept here
i embraced those who meant something
i giggled till tears
dripped into my oil paints
but even watered down they were made of use

a spring in this bed is
right the **** up my ***
springy is what they call me now
ill scrape those stickers off
a six inch blade till dawn
and i would be no closer

to those days where i cheesed
where you begged for me
where i began to loose myself
where i became less of a person
and more of a character to you all
cartoonish

no
my home is not here
and if you try to get me to own
a single element of it all
ill decry it
i know its not healthy
but i was thinking
that i could make up the difference

in my bedroom
not only with my hands on you
a gentle graze
or light and deserving
application of the pucker
but with my pen to pulp
and a gush to the world
so that a secret might
be known to us all
not just me

I can't feel a thing, sitting beneath another cold wind.
Smoking an ******* note,
Slips between your moan.

Watching the night take another one.

Ashing a toxic sigh, yet the morning smiles.
And I keep ignoring sleep,
Who catches my darlings dreams.

Till I take another drag
Till I close the door
And take a ride on a cosmic lore.

Believe me, its peaceful under the moonlight.

Please grasp me,
press me to your chest.
Hush my frenzied inhalations,
I can bear this pain no longer.

Dip your fore-finger,
across the roughed wake,
of my cheek.
Blot away the trauma.

Rest your chin
dangle its weight
my head -jeering-
screeching
little girl-
clutches her temples.
It flickers, clarifies.
Back and forth,
Rocking, in fragmented, jerking
motions- her underweight
figure slammed along.
Blood purges with each
maddened- hoarse gurgles
the spittle deposits at
the overhang of her lip.

Snagged in the animosity,
of gnawing, writhing inhumanity.
TASTE IT rusted copper
An ashing purple, crusty
and running over engorged rims
of milky cocoa.

Darling, tip out your tongue,
lap up the shrivels
of failed organs and deprived marrow.

Images, flicker.
Pulse, with the steady
throb of an aching yawn.
shift
Reality sweltering
Chilled moisture scoffs-
the nape of your neck.

Muddled, focus,
focus.
honing in
back-
and-
forth.

Rocking back and forth,
no good.
Not good enough.
No help.

Flicker
malicious snarls.
Fluctuating horror,
impales your upper thigh.
-SILENCE-

Whispering -hush-
-hush-
don't
let him hear
hush
whispers

Make it STOP
whispers
-hush hush-
help
*ME

friday morning,
we wake up hungover
from last night's binge drinking,
because even though we love our jobs,
no one really wants to work for their entire lives,
when so many things are unanswered,
perverted, and misconstrued.  
hashtag all of those millennial catchphrases,
to garner hearts from your friends
who you haven't seen in years,
friends who work in San Fran,
Chicago, Greenwich Village.
crank up your laptop speakers,
as Neon Indian's Polish Girl
plays that **** synth,
and take a drag from a P-Funk,
before your Grandma hits your
shoulder with the newspaper daily—
right after she speaks in Vietnamese,
asking you what is your name,
because she has Alzheimer’s.
but in these social media days,
isn't everything that is worth mentioning to your sister,
everything that is worth fighting for,
everything that is ****** in this world,
on the internet (maybe, just Twitter tbh).
screenshot the cat meme you like,
save it,
share it,
move on.
if only she wasn't allergic to cats,
maybe it could have worked out.
that was 7 years ago.
—*** ova it. Then, mix your red bull with your coffee,
because the next 10 hours of your life,
will be revolving around caring about people
other than your ungrateful and ingratiating ***.
don't cry,
when I say good-bye.
stay for a while, under the shade of the rooftop
where the deejay spins Frank Ocean
and Frank Sinatra records,
as everyone is drinking scotch, or Yuengling,
and ashing over the veranda bansister,
; the bad boys try to open their souls
to the good girls. and the bad girls,
reveal too much to the good boys.
we devoured those drugs, as though
they were jelly beans from a convenience store,
and then we broke into the store
and ate some more.
break the coals on top of the hookah,
puff, puff, pass—
inhale, exhale,
fit the deformed piece
back into the Dinosaur puzzle,
and crawl back into bed,
pull the covers over
your trembling body,
shut your eyes,
and reflect,
for the day is heavy with regret
and unsaid things.

Leaves die in the fall,
and I’m that cold wind.
Cancer that kills
all cells within.
Everything I touch
just wilts with a nudge
as glares and smiles
all start to judge.
When the sun finally rises
and winter’s away
grass in the fields
all raise to the day.
But my back yard withers.
All sad to see,
everything I touch
dies to its knees.
Beautiful, but yet
with a touch it is crumbled.
Unknown to me,
my touch only stumbles.
Loosening the dirt
with sweet talk of a dove.
So quick into lust.
So quick into love.
When all is settled.
At last a right pair.
That match lights in flames,
ashing in-to thin air.
This winter’s a cold one,
as the cancer spreads thick.
Clenching last breathes,
and killing so quick.
A life so familiar,
Living’s a tease.
Everything I touch
dies to its knees.

The taste of cigarettes has become a trigger
tugging on my memories of intimacy with women
the mere thought alone of smoking is ***
I smoke a lot
lighting that cigarette with fire
inhaling that smoke
that sensation tingling through my veins
exhaling then inhaling
again and again and again
sometimes inhaling deeper
and exhaling slower
I love to watch the smoke plume out of my mouth
and linger in the air
it's such an intriguing contrast
between the oxygen and smoke
though sometimes I get lost in it,
this cloud of death
and see it bigger than it is
sometimes I forget to breathe
this is a habit of mine
pretending that I don't need air
I sit there motionless
as the veins in my neck
begin to protrude out from under my skin
and my head becomes heavy,
too heavy to keep up straight,
and my mind becomes light
then, as always, I open my mouth
and voraciously inhale some oxygen
I guess there's just something in me that wants to breathe.

A beautiful woman walks across the street in front of me
***, ignite, inhale, exhale
I turn up the music in my headphones
then, she makes eye contact with me with this look in her eyes
it was deeper than what was in between her thighs
and as if she could hear the music in my head
the flow of her body as she walked away swayed to its rhythm
this seemingly insignificant moment turned into something beautiful
it was euphoric
this simple acknowledgement of exsistence
of which I had experienced so many times before
had become enough to distract me.. . to distact me. ..
to distract me from the cigarette in my hand
which was now ashing itself
there was nothing ****** about it yet the after effect felt just as good
but it was a different kind of good
a good I could only feel from that moment alone
I looked down at my cigarette, now half gone
and contemplated on whether I should finish it or not
I stood up and walked to the edge of the sidewalk
and as I threw the un-finished cigarette down into the gutter
I realized that

Life is ***
there are so many things out there to ****
so many thoughts to ****
so many vibrations to ****
and I would like to **** for a very long time.

we'd drive long hours, longer than my stretched out hair,
until the air was absent of pines
until we were far over the leering mountains like snaggle teeth,
jutting out, sharp, distantly lavender.
classic rock would blare from the speakers,
almost crunchy in our palms,
like old, dried flowers,
and walls of heat would slam
solid.

our clothes would be in napping, crumpled, piles
and sunlight like gold coins would spill through the
open windows,
resting on our skin like afternoon breath;
light and hungry.

our fingers would be nesting like slender birds
on the doors, leather burning our palms,
hands holding various types of cigarettes,
thumbs periodically ashing
into the screaming, sweating wind.

the summer was a woman
giving birth.

Drinking wine from water bottles
Losing the feeling of upper class
It is just another bottle to dive into
The haunted house on Kirby road
The single lit candle in the abandoned bathroom
Dogs barking on chains
Signs screaming private property
Driving through graveyards
Ashing on the dead
In small towns the gas meters don’t matter
As the youth hunt for fear
Disturbing the peace to find
The little girls grave.

Red  
do you remember the way his words were like the plague on your skin, and how you compared yourself to burning wood; crackling and ashing all around you. can you remember the combustion in your eyes that was put out by the sprinklers from your face; he's chasing you around the table with hostility in his fists; there's red on the ground. Ring around the rosy isn't as fun as it used to be.

Orange
do you remember loving the way others laid their hands upon you? but it will never be quite the same as the sweet taste of  his knuckles, kisses- are what he called them. when he finds another has laid his hands on you, he kisses you with great passion and rage. sprinting after you, come out come out wherever you are. tag, you're it.

Yellow
can you remember when you woke up in your closet, hide and seek is so fun with him. there were yellow lilies by my bedside, I just know he loves me. he left me a note, "another round?" I pick the petals off the flower and lay them around me, covered in yellow sugary pollen they whisper to me "he loves you, he loves you not" don't worry, he'll find out soon enough.

Green
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, get down from there they yell. it's going to take a lot to put her back together they say in a clamor. you jump down and stain your white pants from the puddles and the grass waiting at the bottom for you. all the kings horses and the kings men could never make her smile again.

Blue  
rock a bye baby you sing to me, please oh please don't put me to sleep. these black and blue kiss marks are screaming out, others might hear, what should I tell them, should I shout? I pace around the room, he says to you, hush little baby don't you cry, your bough did break and your cradle will fall.


Indigo
there's a time where we try to reclaim our youth because of overwhelming nostalgia, dreaming in children's games and nursery rhymes. things are not always as they seem in the dollhouse, this is a sadness much deeper than any other, if you asked me to name it I would tell a story of a deeper shade of blue, an indigo of sorts, but people are not toys and I will not be your puppet anymore.

But me, I'm still trapped inside my head I kinda feel like it's a purgatory
So polite and white, but I got family who would ****** for me
Think I'm living paradise, what would I have to worry 'bout?
Dealing with these demons, feel the pressure, find the perfect style
Making sure my mom and dad are still somewhat in love
All these backfires of my experiments with drugs
And I experience the touch of my epiphany in color form
The difference between love and war inform me I'm above the norm
But, give me anybody though, I'll gladly chew his face off, them bath salts
Rhymin like it's summertime on asphalt, hot
Haven't picked a major label think I'm black balled
I still don't got the heart to pick my phone up when my dad calls
Will he recognize his son when he hears my voice?
I put this music against my life, I think I fear the choice
And I don't know what I'm running from, but I'm running still
I conversate with acquaintances, but it's nothing real
I'm from a city that you hear and think a bunch of steel
So a hundred mills wouldn't make me sign a ******* deal
Money kills, that's the truth, it's called the route of evil
But I want that Rolls Royce that the homie Lennon drove
So, if you ain't talkin' bout some money I'ma send you home
Unconventional, special but unprofessional,
Adolescent expression that's lettin' me meet these centerfolds
As troubles fill my mind capacity I let them go
If I was Johnny Depp in Blow, I would let it snow
That's just me all wylin' out and being extra though

And, if God was a human it'd be yours truly
Watching horror movies with some foreign groupies, thinking this decor suits me
I do drugs to get more loopy, I'm in tune to ancient jujitsu spirituals, it's blissful
Looking out as far as eyes can see
I'm glad that me and this elevation could finally meet
I think I'm JFK's final speech
They try assassinating all of my beliefs
But I'm asleep so whisper to me for the peace of mind
And he be high some **** to grind on top a Jesus shrine
Twenty thousand on my watch cause I needed time
If y'all would leave me the **** alone, that'd be divine
Can't decide if you like all the fame
Three years ago to now it's just not the same
I'm looking out the window ashing on my pane
****, I wonder if I lost my way

Time? Its 9:00
Driving to town
You're happy to finally see an old friend
You call her your girl
Pulling over into a convenient store lot
You check your phone
Something came up
She canceled
Sadness fills you
So you text a friend
Earlier he said you two would hang out
But he canceled too
You begin to feel lonely
You message a bunch of people and no one responds
A cigarette finds its way to your lips and its lit
A walk around town
Dark and empty, you only see a few cars go by
What time? Its nearly 10:30
You're all alone
Sad, frustrated, lonely
All by yourself
You realize you've gotten to your second smoke
You keep walking
Brief moments you can see your feet and the walk way in front of you
The night is empty
The street lights are dull
Infrequent
The pavement under you chills your feet
A chill that creeps up the bones of your legs
Creeping
Until the hand ashing that cigarette is shivers
Back at your car
Time? 10:20
Your phone lights up
You're blinded by its light
A message
A stranger? A guy? A friend?
Someone you know
He "hits you up"
You know what he means
You're hesitant, but lonely
So lonely
The street light pass, like a drunk strobe light
Off and on, off and on
You can make out the worn and shaking hands on the steering wheel
You don't know how, but you're in the car, a block from his house, before it hits you
You feel sick
Lonely and sick
You're there
A dim light
A couch
Cold again, you're laying down
Now you hurt
Lonely, sick, and hurting
The world moves in rhythm
Back and forth
The dim light is a haze as your eyes unfocus to block out the world and its rhythm
Time? Its 11:15
Cold again the rhythm changes
You want to cry but can't
You haven't been able to in a long time
The third cigarette is smoked

2/17/2015

last Thursday, the snow came
down on Nassau street
and the ludlow alley
by the record shop

It came down in flurries
goosedown down on streets
where, in the spring,
students balance 12 packs

help us out!
And in the fall
they're not to be seen.

"Sir," I ask
stepping out from where
my friends drink flat whites
and chocolate lattes.

"Can I *** off you?"
i grab the Marlboro and walk away
It's funny how people suddenly
notice how cold it is outside

when you're out there alone.
"****, little lady
it is cold outside isn't it?"
and "aren't ya cold, girl?"

a David Bowie leaks out of the record
store when someone opens the door
to leave or go in ? I don't remember.

"yes, it is cold," I reply, ashing.
"aren't you outside too?"
"Well.." The men
have no business talking to me

of course.
"Do you have a ride home?"
"Goodbye," I twirl on the stomped cigarette

go back into the café
say hello to my friends
and watch the pedestrians

scurry out like weevils
in the goosedown, which
I can only see because of the
Orange lamplight.

cigarettes still taste a little like our last kiss — like it's 5 am again and we were stuck in rusty rooftops, waiting for the break of dawn, or for the other to initiate the kiss. that being said, i always wished that 5 am's lasted longer, and that cigarettes burned longer, and that we kissed longer. but before we knew it, the sun had risen and there we were, ashing our cigarettes on the floor, kissing our last kiss. but here i am, darling — yours for the breaking; my cigarettes, yours for the taking — so kiss me again. break me again. leave me again.

say goodbye to me, darling. say goodbye, just once again.

I wonder
If I was at a party and
Our eyes locked as strangers
Would I keep on walking to
The window I was ashing my
Cigarette at?
To the table with the liquor
Placed on it?
To the music device I was
Tinkering with?
Never to second glance at your
Camouflage veneer?

nothing as reckless as a feigned indifference, reckless with a negative connotation- that is-
a pretended falseness and concealment of passion, obsession, a love….

inconsiderate of a universe’s ability to destruct, to ****** away any given scenario, to wipe clean the gravity between two souls, two minds, too much gambled. too large of a bet. high risk little return, no return.
none at all.

we bathe in sorrow hoping it lightens to laughter.
ashing cigarettes on our skin, dexterity
laziness in us all
leaving coffee black
leaving ashes paraphernalia of the love I burnt
with fists that turned cold, so cold, unclenched
a melancholy weeping for the sighs of metal breath.
an injection of remorse, what’s it quenching? what’s it worth?
what’s it asking? what’s it taking?
are we sinning? are we praying?
where’s the Dying end, where’s it stop,
tonic, what’d it tell you? did your analeptic 'screaming-to-the-ceiling' testify to the woes endured by a life on earth, a life lugged through, broken by its intricacies
we’re all on hands and knees
singing, sobbing, pleading, throbbing
it’s a beauty in the dead leaves, the Fallen I feel badly for, a reaching sympathy,
beyond what my hands express
we embody selfish bringings  
bursts of breath
balloons of noise of gasps of the lapse preceding death
is it hypocritical to enjoy the lack of closure, the abrupt ending, keeping bottles kept?
the myriad of leaving
the method to Drinking
heavy heaving
stumbling cross-legged through this party of contemplating Permanence, a greying breeding
i imagine a man heading a room ceasing noise not having to demand it no, rather whispering, whispering streams of thought of consciousness.... or the lack of it
on buzzing fragments of philosophy and rationale.....
or the lack of it*
the lack of a sounding foundation
the lack of a solid grounding of a planned pathway of a plan at all,
bottomless to the Bottom of the top of the

I hope you are doing okay;
Even on days darkened with rain.
There is more to this life than pain
Please don't waste your time away,

Ashing cigarettes in their tray,
And swearing his name in vain-
I hope you are doing okay;
Even on days darkened with rain.

The way you are seems so cliche,
And things are more or less insane.
Think of angels, sparkling like champagne
Singing loud above this cafe-
I hope you are doing okay.

These monstrous buildings
that loom above us
cast a shadow
similar to an abusive father,
hand cocked back
as if the taste of his palm
will remind those he sways
of metallic bullets
and the forgotten stroll
the ****** streets
stumbling through lifeless puddles
as if a drunken Jesus
and the lonely seek solitude
and crave desire
and the life that fills the morgues
and graveyards
provides enough iron
for the worlds deficiency,
ashing our fingers as
anxious seraphims
pull out our nails
and staple eviction notices to joy
and mercy me
the trees fall to their knees
as if battered toddlers could speak above the screaming silence
at the table
of a broken home.

Vintage baby
With your 519 Levi's and high tops
Slicked hair, don't care
Soft eyes you risen angel
Vintage baby
You got me
Yeah, you got me
You got me good
I got it bad
Watching you against your '67 Camero  
Slowly ashing away your drag

You've always got some pretty little thing
Mid week comes and she has a new name
You're rugged baby
Made for heartache, a physical heart break
Modern day Greaser
The baddest in the school
I wonder about you as I sun bathe in my pool
Walking home or running from basic
Good girl I stay but watching you is toxic
Give me a chance baby, I promise you'd like it
Turn a good girl into a terrible classic babe
I promise you'd like it

Swimming in the ocean'
Golden wring around the bud;
Onlookers say you're a mess'
Swimming till your hands go numb.
A discreet beaut with blue blue tempered veins;
Where is your nest?
Soul of a street poet with a bandaged leg;
Do you need a place to wrest?
A harmony without creases
And with each passing face you used to know ,
Synthesized within fluid time,
Was once a place you called home;
Still their oaths and honor would attest
(Lovely lonely bird ,
Ashing a cigarette)
That each one thinks they know you best.
You realize nurturing lithe bones
Like the lady of the lake,
That all in all, you are all alone.

For, my soul is a knight
Darkness stays out of sight
My eyes captures the vision
Of my life's daily mission
I know, you must be thinking
That I am too obsessed and certain
But assuring, my ego is sinking
With a diverse challenged pattern
The insights are behind my smile
When you see me walking a mile
Burying away my grudges and pain
For all the positive energy I can gain
My mind is at echoed peace
But my practice will surely reach
To my embodied childish soul
Peeping in the light, like a timid mole
Feathering my innocent broken heart
That had flames and was ashing apart...


©sim

My life
                                is ashing
                         this pipe
                  into a leftover
             cardboard
       5 star resort
mashed potato box;
                          Last week’s banquet,
Three days rotten.