No words
will ever be
enough.
To express
what goes on
in my head.
The thousand
storms.  
that rise and
fall.
While I lay
in the
dark.
Thinking
too hard
about all that’s
scarred.

kiss me while you can
because we are not getting
out of this alive

it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
my sister lies in a hospital bed after a suicide attempt.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
yesterday i was at the mall while my sister was rushed to the er.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she swallowed a bottle of pills yesterday to try to make the hurt go away.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
her heart rate went down too low.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she needed me when i wasn't there.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
my nightmares have become a reality.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she's not dead, but she isn't alive.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
the demons lurk in her eyes and i want them gone as much as she does.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she looked so pale with the charcoal staining her tongue black.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
i sit here with a blade and consider breaking my promise.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
i continue to repeat these lines.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
maybe it's a mantra, but it feels like my last words.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
i want her back home.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
the desperation in my soul begins to surface.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
come home soon squish.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
otherwise i might join you in that hospital bed.

And it's 2am. I'm lying on my bed staring blankly at the ceiling. While half of the world is fast asleep, and the only thing i hear by now is the rain patting on the roof. My mind empty as the walls, my heart cold as the weather. That's when i realized that i was numb. Numb from the pain you've caused weeks ago when you decided that i wasn't good enough for you. You left and it felt as if my world stopped spinning, the clock stopped ticking and i stopped breathing. I was drowning from the pain as i was trying to grasp for air. We were in the ocean and when we reached the middle, you left and i didn't know how to swim. I guess i was the anchor dragging you to the bottom so you decided to let go. You were my ship, adrift, you finally saw the port leaving me alone in the ocean. You knew you were safe. It's 3am and i kept asking myself "Was i holding you down?" The thoughts in my head began to consume me. And my lungs was starting to be filled again with water. Suddenly, i couldn't breathe. I tried to grasp for air again for a second but then i asked myself "where am i going?" And the answer started to ripple like a raindrop in the water. The answer was a resounding nowhere. So i stopped trying and let myself drown waiting for a rescue that wasn't ever gonna come.

I will never find the right words
to say just how I feel,
but this love that floods my heart
is a love no one could steal.

You’re the air that I breathe
my beloved sweetheart,
the light shining in my soul
the whole of my heart.

Your smile is breathtaking
a heart so loving and true,
my heart flips and skips
every time I hear you.

I’ll walk with you forever
giving all I have to give,
and promise to love you
beyond this life, I live.

Defining feelings in words
can sometimes be hard to do,
but I’ll always do my best
to show my love for you.
~